Chapter 8
THEN
Mid July
I couldn’t move. Couldn’t even look at Ryan.
His words looped in my head, over and over.
I never said what really mattered.
Part of me wanted to ask what he hadn’t said. I wanted to hear it. I needed to. But something held me back. Because, if it mattered so much, why hadn’t he said it before?
He’d had time. When we were together. After. Even today, at the airport. In the taxi. He’d had so many chances to say whatever it was he thought would change things. And yet he hadn’t.
So why now?
I dragged my fingertips through the sand beside me. Maybe it wasn’t important now. Maybe it wouldn’t change anything. It couldn’t – and yet the question lingered.
Finally, he shuffled. ‘I miss this place,’ he said softly.
I swallowed. That couldn’t have been the thing he’d never said. The thing that mattered.
Had he sensed my apprehension and changed the subject? Or had he ever really intended to tell me what he wished he’d said?
That was the thing about Ryan, being with him meant learning to read between the lines. The pauses. The silences. The things he left unsaid.
Dad had been the same. Quiet. Careful. Never quite saying enough, leaving me to piece together what he had meant. How he felt.
I always believed I was good at it. Reading the meaning beneath their words. Reading the silences.
I frowned. Then again, maybe I’d just been filling them.
‘I miss the life we had here,’ Ryan continued. ‘The plans. The possibilities.’
My chest tightened. They might not have been the words he’d wanted to say. But they still tore at my heart.
‘I’ve often wondered what would have happened if we’d stayed,’ he added.
I nodded slightly. I’d wondered the same thing. ‘Or if we’d never come here at all,’ I suggested, voicing the alternative that had circled in my head for the last two years.
‘No.’ Ryan’s voice was sharp and firm as his head snapped towards me. ‘Coming here wasn’t the mistake. Leaving was.’
I held his gaze for a moment, before shaking my head. ‘You were always going to leave at some point.’ That had been the difference between us. Coming here had been my dream. My plan. My escape.
But, for him, it had just been a summer adventure before real life began.
Two Years Ago – Early June
Ryan frowned as he read the text message on his phone. ‘Mum’s asking about graduation again.’
I paused, my spoon of yoghurt hovering halfway to my mouth.
Graduation.
I’d known it was only a matter of time before the subject came up again. And yet, I’d still hoped to avoid it.
I lowered my spoon back into the bowl. The reminder of home, of family, was always enough to make me lose my appetite.
‘I can’t believe it’s next week. It’s come round so fast.’ Ryan shook his head in disbelief. ‘The idea of coming out here for a month between exams and graduation felt like ages but it’s gone—’ he snapped his fingers ‘—like that.’
I pushed my bowl away and stood, stepping out of the narrow kitchen onto the tiny balcony. I squinted in the bright morning sun as it warmed my skin. It felt comforting.
A month. That’s what we’d agreed on when I’d suggested this trip. I’d sold it to him as a break. An experience. An adventure. He hadn’t needed more persuasion than that.
I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly, listening to the hum of traffic drifting up from the street below.
Our apartment wasn’t much. Small. Old. Temporary. But it was ours, and it felt more like home than anywhere else ever had.
I opened my eyes and glanced back at him.
‘What are you going to tell her?’
Of course he’d go back. Why wouldn’t he?
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. What’s your dad said?’
‘Dad?’ I stared at him blankly.
‘Hasn’t he been on at you like my mum’s on at me?’
‘Why would he—?’
I clamped my mouth shut. Ryan’s gaze snapped to my face. I shifted awkwardly. I needed to be calm. Neutral.
‘What?’ Ryan asked, his brow creasing.
I shook my head. ‘Nothing.’
His frown deepened.
‘My family’s just not that…’ I dropped my gaze, my words trailing away as I searched for the right one. Interested. Involved. Close.
‘Yeah, but he must have asked…’ Ryan said, his voice lacking certainty.
‘Dad never asks about anything.’ The admission slipped from my lips unfiltered. I shrugged, like it didn’t matter. It was just a fact, detached and emotionless. But it never was.
I looked up cautiously, my pulse quickening as I searched his face. His confusion was still there, but there was something else now too. Something worse. Pity.
‘What are you going to do?’ I asked quickly, determined to shift the focus away from me, from my family.
Ryan sighed. ‘I guess we have to go back, don’t we? I mean, it’s graduation. Mum would kill me if I didn’t. Can you just imagine how many photos she’ll take of me in my cap and gown?’ He shook his head with a chuckle.
I swallowed. No. I couldn’t imagine.
‘I’ll check the flights later,’ he added. ‘See if we can stretch it out as long as possible before we have to leave.’
We. He assumed I was going with him. But then, why wouldn’t he…?
You won’t be able to manage on your own.
I inhaled sharply at the familiar words that slipped into my mind.
I gritted my teeth.
They weren’t true. Not any more.
I had managed. At university. Here. I’d figured it all out. But—
I swallowed.
I hadn’t really been on my own, had I?
Ryan had been with me.
After we’d met on the first day of university, he’d quickly become my anchor. And after that…
My gaze lifted to him again as he set his phone down on the table, crossed to the fridge and pulled the door open. ‘Orange juice?’ he asked, reaching for the carton.
I shook my head.
He looked relaxed and unbothered. It was all easy for him. Stay. Go. Whichever option he chose, he knew he’d be okay. He’d find his place.
Whereas me…
Did I even have one without him?