Chapter 44
THEN
Late August
Last Friday
I held on to the door frame and pulled myself to my feet.
My legs shook beneath me.
I had no idea how long I’d been sitting on the hall floor, staring at the door, waiting for Ryan to come back.
But he hadn’t.
I staggered back into the bedroom. My gaze fell on the bed. The sheet was twisted, half hanging off, where we had discarded it.
The tears came then.
I’d cried for him before. Two years ago.
But, back then, I’d been the one to leave.
Two Years Ago – Mid September
‘Are you happy, Ryan?’ I asked as the kettle boiled. ‘Working at the stables, living in your parents’ house?’
He looked up from his cereal bowl and shrugged.
‘We came here for you. Because it’s what you wanted. But—’
‘What I wanted?’ Ryan scoffed. ‘Do you seriously think any of this is what I wanted?’
I frowned. ‘Then why are we here?’
‘My family needs me. My dad nearly died, Kirsty. I might never have got to see him again. Do you have any idea how much that would have hurt?’ Ryan put his hand to his chest as he spoke.
‘You’re seriously asking me that?’ I stared at him, stunned. ‘You know what I’ve been through with my family.’
Ryan shook his head. ‘It’s not the same. I love my family.’
I turned away, busying myself with the mundane task of making a cup of tea, not allowing his words to truly land.
‘Your dad’s back working in the stables now. So let’s leave,’ I said, pushing past the sharp throbbing that lingered in my chest. ‘Let’s go back to Malta. To—’
‘I can’t just leave.’
I turned to face him. ‘But, if you’re not happy here…’
Ryan’s gaze narrowed. ‘We can’t all focus on our own happiness at the expense of everyone else’s.’
I took a step backwards as his words collided into me like a physical blow.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ My voice was quiet and tentative. Yet it took all my strength to ask the question.
His meaning felt so clear. So accusatory. Surely he couldn’t have meant it? He couldn’t think I was that selfish.
I’d abandoned my plans, my hopes, my happiness, for his family.
For him.
Yet he acted as though that wasn’t enough.
I thought us being together was all that mattered. The ‘where’ was irrelevant.
‘It was supposed to be temporary,’ I reminded him. ‘Just until your dad was back on his feet and then…’
I froze as I realised we’d never really talked about what would come next.
Our old jobs would already have been refilled by now.
I sucked in a deep breath.
We’d start again. Find something else. Somewhere else. At least it wouldn’t be here.
Yet something gnawed in the pit of my stomach.
What if he wanted to stay?
I picked up my cup of tea, hugging it to me, drawing comfort from its warmth.
‘Maybe Mum was right,’ Ryan said quietly. ‘We’re from two different worlds.’
‘That doesn’t matter,’ I replied. ‘It’s our future that counts.’
‘We want different things.’
I blinked, confused. ‘Since when?’
‘You’ve always wanted to keep moving. To see more. Keep travelling. You said this was just the start.’
‘You did too,’ I reminded him. ‘We already started looking at where to go after Malta – France, maybe Italy. We have plans.’
Ryan shook his head. ‘I have this.’ He lifted his hand, motioning to the land around us. ‘Here.’
‘For now,’ I said softly.
His head snapped back and he stared at me, his eyes wide. ‘I can’t leave them.’
‘Okay,’ I said quickly.
Perhaps I’d been rushing him. His dad was only just easing back into things. Of course Ryan was worried about leaving him too soon. ‘You’re needed here right now. But once your dad’s stronger—’
‘I can’t leave them,’ he repeated, his voice firm. Final.
I set down my cup of tea, afraid that I would drop it, as the full meaning of his words sank in.
Ryan ran a hand through his hair. ‘Maybe it was a mistake,’ he said slowly, as if the idea was still forming in his head.
A weight lifted from my chest and for the first time in weeks I felt like I could actually breathe.
He finally saw it. He understood.
‘I shouldn’t have brought you with me.’
My jaw dropped as I stared at him. I waited for him to take it back. To tell me he hadn’t meant it. But he didn’t.
I watched as Ryan pushed back his chair and walked out of the kitchen without looking back.
We don’t need any more help. We already have Charlotte.
Denise’s words circled in my brain. She’d always believed I was wrong for Ryan. That I didn’t belong here. Now he believed it too.
I was the only one still hanging on. But to what?
I turned before I could stop myself. I marched out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
I shouldn’t have brought you with me.
The words repeated with every step.
I reached the guest room, grabbed my suitcase from the corner and dropped it onto the bed.
All I had was him.
And, yet, now I realised I didn’t even have that.
Reuniting in Malta had felt so right, like everything was finally coming together. After all this time, I thought it was a second chance to do things right.
But, what if there were no second chances? What if all we ever got were repeated mistakes?
I’d worked so hard to get over Ryan the first time. How could I have been so stupid to get involved again?
Then again, if I was honest with myself, I hadn’t really got over him, had I?
We’d been twenty-one back then, too young to know much about anything, least of all love. But I was older now. I was supposed to be wiser. To have learned from past mistakes. And, yet, here I was, back where I’d started.
Perhaps I was exactly what Janine had always told me I was.
Too much.
Too emotional.
Too difficult.
And now Ryan realised it too.
He’d made his choice – I wasn’t it.
Maybe I never really had been.