Chapter 3 #2
Ally throws Reese an indulgent grin—everything between those two is indulgent.
I can see where Reese already has a hand on Ally’s ankle through the covers.
I think the two of them would actually disintegrate if they went too long without touching one another.
There are few couples as head-over-heels committed to one another as Ally and Reese.
And one of those couples is Runzhou and K.
“Okay,” Reese says in his logical way, “we’ve got five minutes left on the bacon. Chris, why don’t you tell all of us about the hot documentarian at the same time so Ally and Runzhou don’t pitch a fit.”
I groan and throw my hands up. “I never said he was hot!”
Being the only single person between these two very-in-love couples could be horrible, but thankfully my friends never make me feel like a fifth wheel.
And they are careful not to push me toward any kind of sexual or romantic entanglement, especially given the profound therapy I’ve needed in the past year to find who I am separate from my family and my one, utterly disastrous relationship.
In hindsight, Mark was practically made of red flags. But then again, my life was made of red flags, so he fit perfectly.
Many women at Hilltop attend for the express purpose of finding their soon-to-be-pastor husbands, and they usually succeed—by the end of freshman orientation.
It was downright progressive of me not to date Mark until sophomore year.
Correction: Mark did not date me. He courted me, which means dating with the intention of marriage.
He was very clear about that up front, and he was also very clear that God had led us to one another to better accomplish his will.
Poor me, I actually thought that was romantic.
Yet the biggest red flag was how much my family loved him.
My dad even invited Mark to preach at our church a few times during the year we were together.
Most of the women at Hilltop who hope for a pastor husband study music, but I’m not talented enough for that; I went with a communication major to at least develop skills to promote the church.
Church was the center of Mark’s and my relationship just like it was the center of my family: We constantly talked theology and a vision for our future congregation. I didn’t know any other way.
But I know another way now, and that’s due to the four remarkable people cuddled up on my bed.
Ally is the one who scraped me off the floor of our suite and whisked me to The 135 that fateful night.
Runzhou pulled up a chair to keep me company in the corner.
And by the wee hours of the morning, Reese and K joined them in dragging me onto the makeshift dance floor.
I was surrounded by laughter and acceptance on all sides.
The five of us have been inseparable ever since.
With Mark a distant memory, my friends may not meddle in my potential dating life, but they do keep an eye out for sparkage, mostly because each of them is so damn happy in their relationships that they want me to experience the same happiness.
I see their joy, I see their safety, but I doubt that will ever apply to me.
I can confidently say I’m open to dating again, but I can also confidently say that I only want to date.
I want the exact opposite of what I had with Mark: dating, not courting.
I want to be light and flirty and fun. I want to be a modern, casual, sex-positive woman.
Engaging in something as serious as what Ally and Reese or K and Runzhou have is absolutely off the table.
I take a deep breath. “So the documentarian did give me his number, but it’s because he wants to make a whole documentary about me.”
After a beat of silence, K tosses, “Well, that’s a plot twist.”
“What kind of documentary?” Ally asks, concern etched across her face.
I hesitate. I haven’t shown my friends the Jezebel List yet.
It’s not at all because I don’t trust them, but more because I wanted the project to be only mine for a little bit.
Although, making it the subject of a documentary to be shared with the whole wide world would change that rather quickly, I suppose.
Plus, my friends can get angry on my behalf, and they’d probably be very angry to see this list of completely mundane things that were used to control me and shame me my whole life.
I breathe deeply. “I ended up showing him this list that I put together after my final trauma therapy session last semester.”
“After that final session, you said the world felt open to you for the first time,” Runzhou recalls.
“Exactly.” Touched that Runzhou remembers my words from that day, I lean around Ally to retrieve the folded paper from my bedside table.
“So this list is all stuff that I either wasn’t allowed to do or was told would jeopardize my salvation.
And he wants to make a documentary of me checking the items off. ”
The four of them crane their heads over the paper to review. And indeed, there’s a pulse of anger in their ensuing silence.
The Jezebel List
? Attend a pagan festival
□ Wear a mini dress
? Read the Tennessee counties’ banned books lists
□ Smoke a cigar
□ Explore a science museum
□ Dance in a club
□ Watch pornography
□ Purchase alcohol at a liquor store (Exit 11)
□ Take the Lord’s name in vain, with relish
□ Have a one-night stand
□ Share a bottle of wine at a fancy restaurant
□ Watch the highest-rated NC-17 films
□ Take a yoga class
? Get a Brazilian wax
□ Visit an adult superstore
□ Write an anti-Hilltop paper for my capstone course
□ Sign up for a sex education workshop
□ Vote for a progressive political candidate
□ March as an ally in a Pride parade
□ Tell my dad to fuck off
Runzhou catches my eye first. “A story to tell,” he quietly confirms.
I nod.
None of them throw me pity, thankfully, but Reese’s jaw is wrenched so tight I’m afraid he might pull a muscle.
“Breathe, everyone,” I say. “I’m not the only one in this room who had a rough upbringing.”
Compared to some of what my friends have endured, I have discovered a well of gratitude beneath my hurt. All of us have strained or nonexistent relationships with our parents; I’m not the only one who’s lost my family by choosing myself.
“You just deserved so much better,” Runzhou sighs.
“So did you.” I look at each of my beloved people. “We all did. And we’re making it happen now, right?”
K gently brushes Runzhou’s hair off his forehead. “Right.”
My friends are carving out what they deserve in this life through their romantic partnerships and their careers.
Both couples are lining up their next moves for post-graduation: Runzhou and K are auditioning for music agents, Ally is applying to graduate programs, and Reese is writing a book.
They will ride off from Hilltop into the bloom of a beautiful life with clear paths for success, both personally and professionally.
My outlook isn’t nearly as glamorous. Based on internships out of my communication major, I’ve already cobbled together a livable wage as a remote public relations coordinator for small businesses in the area—a necessity since the great Edmondson family rift of junior year.
But I’ll keep to these PR jobs even after graduation; they offer about as much stability as I’m interested in for the foreseeable future.
I have the Jezebel List. I don’t need a clear path when I have my checklist to guide me through the wilderness.
I’ve spent far too long shoved onto paths that were cleared for me.
Ally continues to study the paper. “You showed the documentarian this?”
“Well, he asked why I was at the pagan festival. It’s on the list.”
She narrows her eyes at me, and I know exactly why.
What she’s actually asking is why I trusted essentially a stranger with this very personal list that I hadn’t even told my best friends about yet.
But I’m not answering that implied question because …
I don’t really know the answer. There’s something about Danny.
He wanted to see, and I wanted to show him, especially once I had broken through his fake persona.
K snorts a laugh. “Was he shocked that a Hilltop student would even know what a Brazilian wax is?”
I laugh too. “I do think that’s part of why he’s so interested.
He might not realize that we fundamentalist kids are always gonna know about ‘bad’ stuff because we were told it was bad.
Do y’all have any idea how many ‘demonic’ music videos I heard about from the pulpit before I ever heard about them from friends at school? ”
Runzhou just says, “Mmm, make us a playlist.”
“So this guy would … what?” Ally asks. “Follow you around with a camera?”
I shrug. “We didn’t discuss any details.
He said we could work them all out if I was interested.
But his documentaries are usually a combination of filming people ‘in the wild’ and editing in various talking heads.
He’ll do voiceover narration sometimes, or you can hear him ask interview questions off camera, but he’s never in the docs himself. ”