Chapter 8 #4
I roll my eyes. “Not even a little bit. No other activity has a designated word to describe not having done it.”
“Right. Naming the phenomenon turns it into one.”
I slap at his chest. “Exactly!”
He drops his gaze to my hands flush against his pecs. He’s still wearing his leather jacket; it seems such a part of him that it never occurred to me to ask if he wanted to take it off inside.
I fiddle with the lapels. “Not that I’m Miss Experience,” I clarify. “I’ve only had sex a few times. With my ex-boyfriend.”
Danny’s thumbs gently circle my elbows from below. “How long were you together?”
“Mark and I were together about a year. He was a pulpit-bound student studying ministry here. Graduated last spring.”
“Sex must have been a big decision for the two of you.”
I hum, focusing on Danny’s soft touch at my elbows and the texture of his jacket under my fingers.
“I think I was most surprised by how much I wanted to have sex before marriage. It had been touted as this ultimate sin my whole life, and Mark and I were very committed to our beliefs, so where were all these urges coming from?” I laugh lightly.
“We didn’t understand what it meant to be horny, or that it was natural.
We were obviously never taught anything about ourselves as sexual beings, in or out of school.
We figured we must have wanted to have sex so badly because God had already destined us for marriage; that made it feel less like an outright sin. ”
Danny nods evenly. “I understand.”
I give him a small smile. “I know you do.”
Because sex gets so intertwined with marriage, many young people in the church feel they must get married once they’ve given in to temptation.
As much as women are supposed to be pure and modest, they are also paraded and groomed for men.
Danny has a whole docuseries on the widespread contradiction.
“Was he …” Danny hesitates, averting his eyes and dropping his hands.
“Was he what?” I tug on the lapels of his leather jacket.
Danny bites the inside of his cheek.
“Ask me, Maestro.” Because I don’t want to hold anything back, not from the people who will need this documentary one day, and not from Danny.
His big, fervent eyes lock on mine. “Was he good to you?” he asks, like he can’t help it. Like he has to know that my first sexual encounter was at least a caring one. I try to breathe around the fluttering in my stomach.
“I think Mark was as good to me as I knew to expect,” I say slowly.
“The sex itself was respectful. And at least I knew enough to secure birth control first—many with my upbringing aren’t that lucky.
But I was a little surprised that sex wasn’t this earth-shattering thing.
I don’t mean it was bad—I don’t have any frame of reference for the quality—I just mean that it was …
normal. Like our bodies were always supposed to move that way.
And then when it was over, we were still just us.
I think I got a snack. I remember thinking, That was it?
That was the sacred practice separating pure from impure? ”
Danny blows out a big breath. “That’s so much to untangle, Christina.”
“It was.” I point to a little collection of nonfiction books on one shelf. “That’s why I’ve spent a lot of time the last year educating myself on sex and the female body generally. And why sex makes such a showing on TJL.”
“You’ll obviously lead how you want to handle those items for the doc,” he says. “There’s a balance between showing enough to break down any barriers of shame, but you also need your privacy.”
Yeah, I’m supposed to have a one-night stand, for god’s sake. And go to a sex workshop and an adult superstore. And watch pornography.
And we’re supposed to be doing everything on this list together.
“Maybe we do some of those items in private and then debrief together on camera afterward?” I offer.
He nods. “Of course, that could work.”
“Although—” I bite my lip.
“Although what?” He leans in a little more, as if he can chase the unvoiced thought.
I flick my eyes up to him. “You don’t want to capture my raw reactions when I watch porn for the first time?”
When he answers, his voice is all whiskey and embers. “You know I do.”
Every sensitive place on my body goes instantly liquid and hot, as if he’s actually melting me with his gaze.
I swallow. “I have a confession.”
He hums in his throat, the sound activating some pulsing through my body.
“Ally started a locked folder on my phone for me. Of clips she thinks I might like.”
He just stares and stares and sears me.
“Maybe we should just rip the Band-Aid off. Demystify the whole pornography thing. It may be private, but it doesn’t have to be mysterious or shameful, right?”
“What are you suggesting, Christina?”
Oh shit, my name in that shredded voice could make me come apart.
I glance at the camera. “You still good to follow your muse a little while longer tonight?”
His eyes darken like charcoal. “I will always follow my muse—wherever the fuck she may lead.”