Chapter 10 #2
I can’t be beholden to Danny or to anyone.
I also can’t stop talking to him.
“What interviews did you do today?”
“What are your midterm papers about?”
We ask our questions at the exact same moment, then devolve into laughter. We’re both pulling out of the dangerous waters, but he doesn’t want to stop chatting, either.
So we don’t.
We chat, and when we eventually hang up to keep reading, we switch back to texts to live-react to what we read through the rest of the evening.
And on Friday, he sends me a pic of the snack haul that Charlie brought him that morning, and we text about everything and nothing throughout the rest of the day.
By Saturday, the only thing that jostles me out of our growing text thread is three frustrated bangs on the dressing room door.
“Christina Edmondson,” Ally admonishes through the door, “if you don’t stop texting, I’m going to come in there and put the next dress on you myself.”
We are down to the wire selecting this dress for my fancy wine-and-dine TJL shoot tomorrow. Grinning, I quickly switch my phone to DO NOT DISTURB and stuff it in my bag to hide the evidence. “How do you know I’m texting?”
Runzhou’s voice rings on the other side of the door. “You think we don’t know you’ve been texting Danny all day?”
I slip into a flowy pink dress and step out of the dressing room. “How do you figure?”
“You get this look on your face,” Runzhou says from his chair beside a trifold of lit mirrors. “It’s the same one you get when you’re with him.”
“What look is that?” I ask as Ally zips me up in front of the mirrors.
Runzhou leans forward to fuss with the hem of the dress. “It’s something close to happy, but there’s more to it. It’s more … complex.”
“Layers,” I mutter, almost to myself. Always layers with Danny.
Ally tilts her head to appraise the dress. “This is a pass, right?”
“I definitely prefer a cinched waist.”
“Agreed.” Ally unzips me and ushers me back into the dressing room. “And what about Danny?” she asks Runzhou.
“Don’t worry,” I hear him say as I strip off the pink dress and slip into a silk gray one. “I can sum up Danny’s face when he looks at Chris with one word.”
I open the door. “Here we go. Everyone gather ’round for Runzhou’s one-word analysis.”
He chuckles in his measured way, just a huff of air through his nostrils. “Well, there’s complexity for him too, but the dominant thread is clear.”
“Lay it on us.”
A quiet smile. “Worship.”
My heart flutters. “Worship?”
Runzhou nods serenely. “The man looks at you like he would follow you off a cliff.”
The spear of pleasure through me is strong enough to force a smile.
Runzhou isn’t wrong: Danny’s already shown he would follow me most anywhere, camera or not.
Danny is so discerning, so attuned to my every nuance, that I’m deliciously exposed in his presence.
I’ve never been worshiped for being myself before.
Quite the opposite, in fact. The magic of Danny and me is that neither of us can pretend with one another.
Given all the richness between us, I’m not sure we’d be able to fit into the defined roles of some romantic partnership anyway.
All the more reason to dwell in this indefinable space with him, sans sex.
“Rightly so he should follow Chris off a cliff,” Ally declares. “Although maybe not in this dress?”
I snort. “I told you silk never hangs right on me.”
I reenter the dressing room, switching the gray dress for a slinky navy one.
“I’m very jealous that Runzhou got to meet him,” Ally calls.
“I’m sure you’ll meet him soon,” I say through the door. “We still have plenty of TJL to film.”
While my friends won’t join us for tomorrow night’s scheduled shoot, I am looking forward to Danny meeting the rest of them eventually.
He fit into Runzhou’s and my pre-bed tea routine as if he had been there all along.
And like he told Runzhou, it would be difficult to fully know me without knowing my found family.
The universe itself is aware of how much I like this man knowing me.
I step out and let Ally arrange my straps. “This one isn’t bad.”
Ally shakes her head. “ ‘Not bad’ isn’t the goal here. Does this dress make you feel like a sex goddess supreme whose sensual prowess knows no bounds?”
I three-sixty in front of the mirrors. “No.”
Runzhou motions back to the dressing room with a swipe of his finger. “Next.”
I’m shimmying into a little purple number when Ally’s voice changes. “Oh my god.”
“Ally?” Runzhou asks, concerned.
“Oh my god,” she repeats.
I blow out of the dressing room, the purple dress half hanging off of me. “What’s wrong?”
Runzhou is craning over Ally to read whatever she’s staring at on her phone with wide eyes.
His mouth likewise falls open. “Oh my god.”
“Someone better tell me what’s going on right now.”
Ally’s slow smile is nothing short of luminous. “I got in. I got into the sociology master’s program at George Washington University!”
“What did I say?!” I pummel her from one side and Runzhou attacks from the other. We’re hollering and jumping in a huddle and creating such a ruckus that a concerned employee pops their head into the dressing room hallway.
“Reese and I are moving to D.C.!” Ally squeals when we finally release her.
I pretend to dab my eyes. “D.C., New York … my babies are moving up in the world.”
“I’m so fucking scared,” Ally laughs.
Runzhou nods, breathless. “Me too.”
I volley my gaze between them. These are two of the most talented, capable humans I’ve ever met. I take one of their hands in each of mine. “I’m not worried. Y’all are going to be spectacular. Or you’re going to fail spectacularly. Either way, spectacularity is on the horizon.”
They laugh.
“But really,” I say. “I’m not sure either of you can fail. Even if adjustments to the original plan need to be made, you’re both more than ready to make things work, especially with Reese and K at your sides.”
Ally squeezes my hand in hers, and Runzhou raises our joined hands to press the back of mine to his cheek.
Ally makes a disgruntled noise. “Okay, Reese is going to be really mad that I’m doing this without him. We were waiting to find out I was for sure accepted, so I’m too excited.”
With shimmering eyes, she lets the moment build. “We want you to move with us, Chris.”
My mind blanks. “To D.C.?”
Runzhou scoffs. “K and I were going to treat Chris to a formal cup of coffee next week and ask her to move to New York with us.”
“Typical. Such a Chris hog.”
A disbelieving laugh pops out of me. “Are y’all serious?”
“Of course, we’re serious,” Runzhou says with a smile that I’ve seen melt the stoniest of hearts. “You’re our favorite person.”
“I’m trying very hard not to call dibs.” Ally cuts competitive eyes to Runzhou. “But I think I speak for the group when I say we really just want you to do whatever’s best for you.”
Whatever’s best for me.
My friends have been building toward these opportunities their whole lives. They know who they are, and they know their place in this world. They know their passions and how they’ll contribute to society. They belong. They belong with their partners, and they belong in their new cities.
I don’t belong anywhere. Everything I built throughout my life is for a future that no longer exists. Sure, I’ve discovered this haven of found family in my fundamentalist prison, but I always knew my time at Hilltop would end.
The truth is, I don’t want to belong anywhere. My life may be a blank canvas after graduation, but at least it’s not a picture already painted for me.
As long as I have the Jezebel List, I’m not completely lost. But I’m not defined, either. The thought of locking into another defined future coats my throat in acid. It’s why I don’t have an answer for my beaming friends.
It’s also why I need to tread lightly with Danny.
I exhale a big breath. “Let me think on it.”
“We support your choice one hundred percent,” Runzhou says, releasing my hand. “Whether it’s D.C., New York, or even staying here in Tennessee.”
I’ve lived in Tennessee my whole life. Almost every person I’ve known and every experience I’ve had has been right here in this state. So it will take some time to untangle why the one face that flashes in my mind when Runzhou says “Tennessee” is Danny’s.