Chapter 11 #4
“I’m grateful for your therapists. I’m grateful for your books. I’m grateful for your friends. I’m grateful that my videos played some part in your healing. I’m grateful that you agreed to share this story with the world. I’m grateful I get to be part of it.”
One tear spills onto her cheek, and I’m helpless to do anything but release her hand to lean across the table and catch it with a sweep of my thumb. But then I leave my hand framed on her face, and she raises her own to cover it.
“Mostly, Christina, I’m grateful for you.”
She closes her eyes, breathing steadily. Then she turns her head into my hand, her lips brushing my palm. She lays a sweet kiss there. This kiss isn’t about heat or sex, but it is the most intimate of my life.
Her eyes find mine once more. “I’m grateful for you too, Danny.”
We stay there another moment, eyes locked, me leaning across the table gently caressing her face. She slowly lowers my hand and releases it. I lean back in my seat.
Then she clears her throat. “That’s maybe why I’ve been thinking we … um … you and I … we …” She looks around as if she’ll find the words somewhere on the table.
So we’re finally gathering up those cards. “Christina?” She looks up at me; now she’s nervous. “It’s okay. You can tell me anything. No expectations, no judgments.”
She nods with more confidence. “Honestly?”
“Always.” I smile at our recurring refrain.
“Honestly, I think it’s probably become obvious that I’m attracted to you.”
My smile drops.
“And I’m getting a sneaking suspicion that you might be attracted to me too.”
I tongue the inside of my cheek. “So you’re telling me I haven’t been playing it cool?”
She laughs lightly to herself. “I was actually going to ask you out, you know, at Waffle House, if you hadn’t pitched the documentary.”
So she felt our connection as strongly as I did that first night. “Same.”
Her eyes flare slightly in surprise. Does she really not know what she does to me? That I feel like a horny fucking teenager in her presence? That my every thought is of her sweet smile and honeyed voice?
“But I’m so glad it turned out this way instead,” she goes on. “Because that might have been a fling. I might have even checked off that one-night stand TJL item with you.”
I can barely put two thoughts together. “And now?”
She smiles her sweetest smile. “Now, I know you. You’re … important to me.”
Everything inside me is buzzing. I’m important to her. Fuck. I can’t speak, or I might let slip exactly how important she’s becoming to me.
“But when it comes to sex …” she trails off, takes another sip of wine.
“Danny, I need sex to be unimportant. I spent so long following rules and expectations set by others, especially when it comes to sex, and I just wanna let loose. I still need to have one-night stands and casual hookups for a while. Maybe forever. And I’m not so sure you and I would be casual, in any sense of the word. ”
I’m half-tempted to yell, “No, no, I can be casual!” But perhaps the ferocity of that response proves her point. If she wants to have sex with men who don’t really know her—who don’t have feelings for her and who wouldn’t want more—that’s clearly not me.
And she deserves to have everything she wants.
She’s been denied and chastised for too long.
Yes, there’s some deep, wild part of me that was just waiting in the dark to be unleashed on her, and it’s fucking wilting to hear it may not happen.
But I won’t make her feel bad about this, not for one second.
And I wouldn’t give up the chance to keep her in my life, in any capacity, for anything.
Even if I slowly go mad with the need to make her come.
Several seconds have passed while I’ve been sorting through my complicated reactions. “What are you thinking?” she asks.
“I’m thinking …” I trace my knuckle across my bottom lip and she tracks the movement. “That you’re important to me too, Christina.”
She exhales in relief, breaking into a grin on its end. Then she lifts a lascivious eyebrow. “So you’re going to film me trying to convince men to come home with me?”
I roll my eyes. “I doubt there will need to be much convincing. Although your opening line asking them to sign a video release may at least provide some kind of challenge.”
“You know, I welcome the clear icebreaker. You grossly overestimate my experience. There’s going to be a lot of embarrassing bumbling about.”
“Is talking even a requirement anymore? Isn’t it a simple swipe right, take home?”
“Oh, right. I forgot about technology.” She looks crestfallen. “I guess I was imagining sidling up to someone in a bar. The whole Can I buy you a drink? bit that you see in movies.”
“You can still do it that way.”
She goes to bite her thumbnail and swears when she realizes it’s painted. Again.
“You just need to practice,” I say, trying not to grin indulgently at her. And perhaps the wine has completely gone to my head, but an idea strikes me.
“In fact …” I kick back the remainder of my wine, slip out of my chair, and switch off each camera. Then I pick up one of the tripods and turn to where she’s simply watching me from her seat at the table. “I’ll be at the bar. Come do your worst, oh muse of mine.”