Chapter 18
Eighteen
“What’s that you’re doing, Your Grace?” came Seraphina’s voice from behind her.
Aurelia started and almost dropped her quill. The letter to Countess of Norwich had not progressed beyond the salutation, and now with the new Lady Canterbury present, it was not likely to be finished at all that morning.
“Just writing. Did you… need something? I thought you had gone walking.”
Seraphina smiled benevolently. It was a dazzling smile, and it made Aurelia’s blood turn hot in her veins.
“No, you’ve mistaken me for your friend.
Miss Penrose, isn’t it? She left with your aunt half an hour ago.
Frederick and I were settling in upstairs now that we’ve both rested. Our rooms are just lovely.”
There was that word again. Aurelia nodded, mustering her manners.
Seraphina sat in the chair across from her – not the closest, not the furthest. She was dressed well in dark blue.
She looked better than she had when they had seen each other infrequently in London, Aurelia noted, and set the observation aside.
She leaned over to ring the bell, and eventually, seeing no way out of it, she rang for refreshments.
“I wanted to speak to you alone,” Seraphina said in the interim. “Last night wasn't very productive, was it? There was too much happening for anything of any substance to be said. But I expect neither of us wanted to intrude on the reunion between brothers. I am glad they seem to be getting along.”
Soon Annie brought the tray, set it down, and left. It was warm that day, and instead of tea they had brought up a chilled lemonade. Seraphine poured for them both with a smile. A shiver went up Aurelia’s arm that had nothing to do with the chill of the glass. The taste was sweet and sour.
“I am sorry for what happened,” Seraphina said.
“For the manner of it, specifically. You deserved better than finding out through a scandal sheet on your wedding morning. At least that’s how I heard it went…
We never did quite know who told the rags what we planned to do. I can assure you it wasn’t us.”
“You are kind for saying so,” Aurelia said, trying to maintain her cool. “I did wonder how that happened.”
“I won't try to excuse it, of course. I only want to explain it, if you're willing to hear it. Because I think you deserve that too – and I deserve to be heard instead of misunderstood.”
Aurelia looked at her. “Then you should speak quickly.”
Seraphina set her glass down and scooted her seat closer. She wore the same fragrance as before: a patchouli and rose scent that was overwhelming.
“Frederick and I have known each other since we were children. Our families were close, so we were always there at dinners, assemblies, summer parties, you know the sort. I never thought of it as anything other than that. He was the Duke’s brother, and after my debut into society, I became Sandacre’s intended.
I waited until he had completed his Grand Tour – around England.
He wrote to me frequently. Everything seemed resolved. Our parents were ecstatic."
The story was benign, but Aurelia still felt a twinge of jealousy.
She wondered if Evander still had the letters, what they contained.
Declarations of affection? Promises for the life they would share?
More likely, Aurelia thought, long descriptions about what he had seen, about nature and people. It didn’t console her in the slightest.
“And then two summers ago,” Seraphina continued, “Sandacre and I were both at a house party right here at Carrstone and… something changed. He had changed. Their parents had died by then, of course. So maybe it was that. All I know is that by the end of that week I knew we could not go on as we had. And I believe he knew it too, but we never spoke about it. I went home, and we tried to pretend that everything was fine..”
“For two whole years?” Aurelia asked.
“Yes, for all that time. I told myself I was being silly, that I had agreed to marry Sandacre as a child and I would honour that. I convinced myself that this was simply one of those things that a woman like me had to accept. Men have roles, and so do we. Our role is to love and protect them so they can make great changes to the world. I genuinely believed I could do that for Sandacre, given enough time, even with the way we were changing as people.”
Aurelia wasn’t going to ask exactly what had occurred. She feared the worst. A kiss, or something more. Maybe he had said something to frighten her. Either way, the muscles in her legs tightened and grew restless.
Seraphina looked out of the window, unbothered.
“Time passed, and we withheld from making betrothal announcements until the time felt right. My father began pressing the issue once the Duke settled into his title. So late last year, we agreed to marry. Frederick was only a few months off of his emancipation. It all felt right.”
“Until… what?”
“Your engagement to Frederick was announced.”
“But I don’t understand,” Aurelia said, closing her eyes to focus. “You never said anything about… well, about…”
“You can say the word. We are alone,” Seraphina pressed.
“An affair.”
“Yes, I didn’t.”
“But there was one.”
“A little one.”
Aurelia tasted bile at the back of her throat. Some people believed marriage neutralised every sin. But not her. She couldn’t imagine doing that to someone. No one deserved to be betrayed like that.
“I don’t speak about it with any pride. I despise myself for what we engaged in. But I know it could not have been any other way. Do you hate me?”
“I… I don’t know you well enough to say.”
“That’s good. I would hate it if you hated me.
” Seraphina reached over and patted her hand.
“We never intended for it to happen. But I had been holding on to my feelings about Sandacre for years. Over time… I confided in Frederick about it, little by little. And he confided in me that… that he had long held affection for me, ever since we were children.”
Aurelia was quiet. She was listening, needing to understand completely before she responded.
“We talked about it for weeks. I didn’t believe him at first,” Seraphina continued. “We went back and forth about what to do with his feelings and my hesitation about becoming the Duchess of Sandacre. We were trying to be pragmatic, until it became something more.”
“You began to fall in love with him.”
“Something like that, yes. We knew what it would mean – for you, for Sandacre, for our families.
We tried to find a version of it that caused the least harm and we couldn't, and eventually Frederick said that he thought the greater cruelty would be to go ahead with both weddings and spend the rest of our lives in the wrong places. That doing it quickly, even painfully, was still better than the alternative.” She looked at Aurelia.
“And I believed him… I still do. We made the right choice – the only choice, given the circumstances. You must understand that.”
“I understand. But that is not the problem,” Aurelia replied. “There is so much that could have been done differently. Why it had to be my wedding morning. Why neither of you could come to either of us and say this, with enough time for something to be done about it with some decency.”
“We should have. Frederick wanted to. He argued for it more than once. But I was…” She paused, and it was the first pause that seemed unplanned.
“I was afraid that if we told people in advance they would try to stop us. That families would intervene, that pressure would be applied, and Frederick would forget he wanted me, and that we would end up back where we started, trapped. Frederick said I was wrong, and I think he probably was right.”
“He was,” Aurelia said. “Whatever the outcome would have been, it would have been better than what happened. The ton will ridicule us all our lives for what you did.”
“No, they won’t. They will forget eventually. Sandacre is much too proud to be remembered as a jilted groom. And Frederick is too good.”
She didn’t say Evander was good, and Aurelia paused to wonder why. Meantime Seraphina held her gaze. She was clever and she was honest, and the attempt at an apology was real. But it still didn't account for everything that had happened. And she wasn’t going to pretend otherwise.
“Do you have anything you want to say?” Seraphina asked.
“Not particularly, at this moment.” Aurelia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s all very sudden. I don’t think I expected to see either of you again so soon.”
“But aren’t you glad?”
“I suppose it’s easier this way, since there is no more guessing. We know that you are safe.”
Seraphina nodded. “That's fair too.”
They sat for a moment. Outside the window, the garden was grey and still. It was humid even indoors. Summer was fast approaching.
“What is he like?” Aurelia asked, her voice barely above a whisper. “When it is just the two of you.”
Seraphina looked at her, a little surprised by the question. Then something genuinely warm came into her expression. “Frederick, you mean?”
Aurelia nodded.
“He’s funny,” she said. “And sometimes he is completely ridiculous. He’s a romantic at heart though, not a jester.
It can be hard sometimes to accept all his love and affection.
” She paused, something dark passing across her face before it disappeared.
“But he is still young. My mother says men change terribly over time…
He pays me proper attention, the kind where you feel like the thing you've just said is the most interesting thing anyone has said to him ever. I've never felt overlooked by him. I hope that part doesn’t change.”
“I did feel overlooked by him,,” Aurelia admitted. “With him, all the time.”
“I know,” Seraphina said. “I suspected as much when I saw you together.”
“When we were engaged he was charming and agreeable, but he asked me very few questions about myself. I thought that was simply how he was. Now I think he was somewhere else the entire time.”