Stay in the Present
Ashton
It’s the housekeeper.
I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but I did. Then she said that, and I didn’t want to hear the rest. It’s pretty clear who Jordy was talking with—Alexander. I could hear her talking about the shop before I turned on the shower water, and she obviously did not want him to know she’s here with me.
We’re just having fun, right?
Right.
I wait for the water to warm. I don’t have time to waste, but once the room steams up, I take a few extra minutes to just let the water run over me.
The truth is, I have no right to be upset. Did I really expect more out of this?
I groan into the water, because of course I did. The first girl I’ve been with since Sasha, and I didn’t even consider the implications. I’ve been so careful this far, so what changed?
Everything.
I’m not the same person I was before Jordy came around—and she isn’t either. Both of us leaped over some pretty high hurdles, and we couldn’t have done it without the other.
But we also made no promises to each other. We both knew this time was coming. My only regret is that we didn’t talk about it before, and now here we are, and she’s already moving out of my grasp.
“Pull it together, Ashton,” I growl. If this really is just us having fun, I don’t want to ruin it with melancholy bullshit. It’s time I get over my damn sensitive heart and just live in the moment.
Jordy is in overalls and a thermal by the time I’m dressed and back in the kitchen, and fuck, she looks cute as hell.
“Is this all right?” she asks, fiddling with one of the buckles. I brush aside all my hurt feelings to close the distance between us.
“It is going to be extra hard to work today while you’re looking like this.” I kiss her nose, then pat her behind. Because, damn, those overalls.
She gives me a hopeful look. “Think you could braid my hair again? It’s not pulling back right, and I just need it out of my face.” She holds up the rubber bands and brush.
“Sit,” I command, taking my place in the chair. She positions herself between my legs. I inhale, smelling the scent of her shampoo, feeling a pang of wistfulness. Two more days…
I make quick work of her hair. Partially to keep from buckling, and partially because I know these animals aren’t going to wait much longer. When I’m done, her hair is back in a long braid, and there are minimal flyaways to get in her way.
“You still have to teach me how to do that,” she reminds me.
“I will,” I promise. But when? She’s almost out of my life. “Maybe tonight you can practice on Lottie. She’s a great hair model.”
The sky is just starting to turn a purplish pink as we emerge from the house. Across the field, I can see Bob tossing scraps into the chicken yard. He spots us and gives a light wave. We wave back, and when I look at Jordy, she’s grinning.
“I’m going to miss this place,” she says, then looks quickly at me. Her mouth clamps shut. I smile, weaving my fingers through hers.
“This place will miss you,” I say.
It’s the perfect moment to ask her the impossible.
Stay.
But that damn phone call keeps replaying in my head. Her words, brushing off everything that’s happened between us.
“Can we visit Sunflower?” she asks. When I glance at her, she holds a shy, hopeful smile on her face.
“Sure we can.”
She keeps her hand in mine as we cross the field to the fenced in yard. I open the gate for her, then close it behind both of us. Jordy gasps when she sees the calf nursing off her mother.
“Is that the same baby?” she asks. I nod.
“She grew fast, didn’t she?”
“She doesn’t even look like the calf I saw last time.” She looks at me, her hand slipping from mine. “Can I pet her?” She peers at Petunia. “Will her mother get mad?”
I shake my head, letting loose a small laugh. “Nah, she’s about as tame as they come. She trusts all of us. Just move slow and don’t be afraid.”
Jordy nods, then approaches the two cows. With a cautious hand, she reaches out and smooths it over the calf’s reddish coat.
“She’s so soft!” She continues petting her, losing her apprehension as she also gives Petunia a scratch on her forehead.
“She’ll lose that in the spring, and will have a rougher coat by summer,” I say.
She’s quiet for a moment, her hand continuously running over the soft calf. But I can tell her mind is a million miles away.
Mine is a bit closer—about two weeks ago, bringing her out of a panic attack and ending up in my bedroom. The way we turned a corner without even trying.
“This isn’t just for fun,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. She turns, confusion flickering across her face, then something softer like understanding.
“Ashton, I—”
“No, let me speak. I know you leave the day after tomorrow, but I don’t know if I’m ready for this to be over.”
She sighs, stepping away from the cow to join me at the fence. “I have to go,” she says. “My home is there, my work, everything I’ve built.”
“I’m not asking you to stay,” I say, then I shake my head.
“Actually, I’d ask you if I thought you would.
But that’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking if we can make this work.
” I take her hand in mine, bring it to my chest. “We should be together, even long distance. I don’t care, I just want you however I can have you. ”
She slides her hand out of mine and takes a step back. It’s like putting miles between us already.
“I’ve done the long-distance thing before,” she says.
I know she’s referring to Brayden, and it feels like a gut punch that she’d even compare what we have to that relationship. “This is different. You know that, Jordy. Don’t you feel it?”
She looks away and doesn’t say anything for a moment. Her eyes lift to the sky, and I see a flash of emotion cross her face. Just a flash, because when she faces me again, her mask is firmly in place.
“I can’t,” she says.
“Can’t what? Can’t feel it? Can’t try to make this work?”
She breathes out, then shakes her head. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“The truth!” My voice raises enough that Petunia startles just across the pen. “Do you really believe what we have is casual? Because from where I stand, it’s been everything.”
The pained look on Jordy’s face makes me realize I’m just putting myself through hell. It’s obvious this is one-sided. “I’m such an idiot.”
I stride past her, pushing through the gate, only lingering long enough to latch it behind her. Then I stalk back toward the house.
“Ashton, wait.” She grabs my hand, but I pull away and keep moving. “Wait!”
She catches up to me, jogging to match my pace. “Yes, there is something here.”
I slow my step but keep walking.
“I feel it,” she says “and it’s killing me every day we get closer to my leaving. The truth is, I don’t want to leave.”
“Then don’t.” I turn, capturing her face in my hands. As pissed as I am, I can’t get past how badly I want to pull her into me, to taste her lips, to find another excuse to make love to her.
“I have to,” she whispers.
I close my eyes, letting out a slow exhale.
Then her mouth is on mine, and damn if I don’t feel so hungry for her.
I pull her in, clutching at her as I kiss her deeper.
It feels like holding on, and it feels like saying goodbye.
All I know is that I can’t get close enough.
I can’t stand the thought of letting her go.
I don’t want to stop kissing her because when I do, she’ll be that much closer to leaving me for good.
We sink to the ground, tangled in each other.
I drop to my knees, needing to be closer, needing to hold her like I’ll never have to let go.
She straddles me, her hands running over the back of my head as our mouths search each other.
When she breathes, I breathe. Soon we still, soft breaths shared between us, every curve of her body folded into mine.
When we finally find the strength to break apart, she rests her forehead against mine.
“I don’t want this to end,” she says, “but it has to. I can’t stay, and I can’t stand the thought of a whole country between us while I fall in love with you.
I can’t be on hold like that. Because what happens next?
Either I give up my dream, or you give up yours, and we can’t ask that of each other. It’s not fair.”
“I could figure it out,” I say, even knowing it will be near impossible. “Maybe Lottie and I could try out New York, and—”
“And what? Keep Bec and Bob from her?” Jordy slips off my lap, then sits next to me.
“We’ll arrange visits. When she gets older, she can stay summers here…” I trail off.
“Is that really what you’d want?” she asks softly. “To give up this farm, the Felixes, all of Lahoma Springs in favor of car horns and crowded streets?”
I want to say yes. God, I want to. But when she puts it like that, I know I can’t. As much as I want to be with Jordy, I know I can’t leave this place.
I hang my head. “It’s funny. Two years ago, I was the stranger here. Now, I don’t think I’ve ever known any place that felt more like home.” I peek at her. “I get it. I hate it, but I get it.”
She folds her hands into mine. “I’ve been avoiding this conversation for a while now.”
I smirk, squeezing her hand. “Me too.” Taking a deep breath in and stand, pulling her to her feet with me.
“Now what?”
“Now? We stop stalling on this ranch work, and then go see what Bec’s fixed us for lunch.”
I roll my eyes, then tug her to my side. “No, I mean about us.”
“There’s now,” she says. “Let’s not think about tomorrow or the next day. Let’s just live in the present moment as if it won’t ever end.”
Lottie is thrilled to see us both when we enter the house. She drops her toys and runs at me, barreling into my legs. Then she does the same to Jordy, which makes her laugh as she sets down the basket of eggs we collected so she can catch my rambunctious daughter.
“She’s been a bundle of energy all morning,” Bec says from the kitchen.
“Sorry. I should take her out to run a few laps.”