9. Chapter 9
Addy
Hi Sasha,
So you want to know what happens when no one is watching?
Let’s just say I have a habit of getting into … tight situations, then figuring my way out with only a little mess left behind. The mess is usually figurative. Usually.
I edit myself down for the world, but in letters … the edits are gone. You’re seeing the unfiltered version. And maybe that’s why I keep writing. Maybe that’s why it feels … okay to tell someone things I’d never say aloud.
I have more stories, but perhaps I’ll save them for the next letter. Or perhaps I’ll just start a whole confessional like this one every time. Could be entertaining.
And yes, I insist on being the one left standing. It’s less about pride and more about sheer, ridiculous stubbornness because giving up would mean admitting I can’t survive my own life.
Probably explains why I keep landing in trouble — and why I write letters like this.
I can’t see you, but somehow I feel like I don’t have to be ashamed of you seeing the mess, the absurdity, the little truths tucked in between the jokes.
It’s only on paper but it feels more real than anything else lately.
How backwards that I’m getting more out of this than you. It’s crazy to think I could have chosen to write to someone else, and we wouldn’t be here now.
Can’t wait for your next letter.
Yours,
— Addy
My stomach lurched as if I were riding a rollercoaster the moment the envelope disappeared into the slot.
Holy fucking shit.
Adrenaline was pumping through my veins. I let out an involuntary giggle and my cheeks flooded with heat. What was I thinking?
Too late for second thoughts. I was crazy, but not crazy enough to break into a letterbox to steal my letter back. Who cared?
He can’t reach me. This is still safe.
Turning away from the blue metal box, I took a deep breath to calm myself down and started walking. The ground was still damp from an earlier shower of rain, and my sneakers slapped against the pavement.
I couldn’t believe I had actually written that. It was a joke, of course, nothing else. How could it not be? Sasha would surely see it as such, too.
Right?
Right. He absolutely would.
I threw my head back and groaned, almost running into an old man who shot me a scandalized look and muttered angrily under his breath.
“Sorry! My bad!” I called after him but he didn’t even bother to turn back around.
Okay, then.
Part of me though, was proud I didn’t hold back.
For a moment, I’d been so tempted to finally look him up online, just so I could finally put a face to these letters … so I could imagine his expression when he’d read this letter.
It made me feel shallow, though, and even more so when I was overcome with the niggling fear of being disappointed by whatever I’d find.
I even went as far as typing in his name, only to delete it letter by letter.
If I’d gone through with it, there would have been a whole host of consequences and truths I would’ve had to face, and I simply wasn’t ready for that.
I shook my head.
You’re just lonely. Lonely and enjoying being the focus of someone’s attention, even if it’s through letters, I told myself.
A small voice piped up in the back of my head. Oh yeah? So you wouldn’t be upset if he ignored your little suggestive comment? Or if his next letter would be cold again?
My steps had turned into agitated stomps and I let out an annoyed huff.
“Great,” I muttered. “Now you’re arguing with a voice in your head. Totally normal.”
I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, how much I wanted to find out if I could get under his skin. Part of me even wished I could witness the moment he first read my letter. Would he show any emotion, or would he remain stoic no matter what?
It felt like he was continuously knocking me off kilter and the idea of maybe being able to blindside him, amused me.
The thought of him enjoying this should have unsettled me, but for some reason it made my pulse race with excitement. It usually took about a week for him to answer me, and I found myself already counting down the days.
This is still safe. He can’t reach me. He can’t touch me.
And I absolutely did not want him to, either.