32. Jaxus
THIRTY-TWO
JAXUS
I didn’t know what to do.
On the face of things, I should have been celebrating. Kiera was almost back to herself and my idea for getting help for the healers was a huge success.
But I was on edge. I spent my days making sure Kiera didn’t do something to undermine her recovery, keeping one eye on Nyx, and trying to stay on top of briefings I’d fallen behind on while I sat by Kiera’s bedside. I’d delegated my leadership tasks through the ranks to ensure everything was still working how it should. And I was still trying to find any thread that could give us some kind of lead on Kiera’s bond theory.
We were out of ideas, and what was worse was it felt like Kiera was pulling away. I was sensing her distance more and more, and I didn’t know what had caused it. I suspected there was something big she wasn’t telling me, and the idea that she didn’t trust me hurt. But with all that I was keeping from her, I had no room to talk. I couldn’t push her to trust me when I could never be fully open with her. It was impossible. All I wanted was to bring her back to me. To how we had been over the past few weeks.
I stood in the doorway, watching her scribbling away in her notebook. The little crease between her brows was pronounced, she was frustrated with whatever she was trying to work through. I’d learned all her tells over the last few weeks.
She blew a strand of hair out of her eyes and then tucked it behind her ear. I could watch her all day.
She looked up, catching me staring, and I smiled.
“Where did you come from?” she asked, setting her notes down.
“I’m finished for the day,” I told her, happy that she was willing to put down whatever had her brow so furrowed. Maybe she needed to get outside for a while. She was too cooped up on this wing, which I knew was partly my fault.
“So soon?”
I pushed off the door frame and moved towards her, an idea forming. “They didn’t need me. I thought maybe you’d want to get out of here for the afternoon.” I held out my hand.
“Where to?” she asked, taking it and standing.
The energy that flowed between us when she placed her hand in mine took me by surprise. Since her poisoning, it happened every time. At first, while she was sleeping, it was a conduit for my magic to help hers regenerate. I had to push my magic towards her and manage the flow. But now, it seemed to be a free-flowing exchange that was growing stronger by the day. Like I had opened a door and now it couldn’t be closed. It still took me by surprise each time.
Her eyes shone as she experienced the same wonder.
“Come fly with me?” I whispered to her mind.
Her eyes went wide. “You think I’m strong enough to fly? ”
I laughed. “You’re the healer, not me.”
She rolled her eyes. “I know I am, but you’re the boss, apparently. I’m just a bit shocked you’re going to allow me outside!”
I gave her a flat look. “Brat.”
She smirked. “You know it. Now let’s go before you change your mind.”
Immediately, I started to have second thoughts. “Are you sure you can manage it?”
“Yes, Jaxus,” she said as she closed the books and stacked them neatly on the table.
“Will you be warm enough?”
She looked pointedly out the window at the sunshine. “ Yes, Jaxus.”
“Have you had enough rest this morning?”
“Yes, Jaxus! You can’t offer me a flight and then immediately take it away. Let’s go.” She went first out the door and I was forced to lengthen my strides to keep up with her.
“Slow down.”
“Nope.”
“Kiera, you’re going to wear yourself out.”
“Flying will help with that. Our magic will be a fabulous recharge for my system.” Her springy step was frankly absurd.
“Why are you so perky all of a sudden?”
She cast a look over her shoulder at me. “Because I can taste the freedom.”
I didn’t like the weight of the guilt that comment made me feel. I wasn’t keeping her locked up inside. I was just trying to make her do things gradually so she didn’t set herself back. “I think I preferred it when you were afraid to fly,” I grumbled.
“I’m still not wild about it. Don’t misunderstand me. But right now, I’d take anything to just stop feeling like an invalid. Besides, I know the benefits will outweigh the fear. It will boost my magic. And I trust you. ”
Something crossed her face with those words, and I knew instantly that I was right. She was keeping something from me.
I hadn’t forced her to open up to me because it seemed hypocritical, but it was getting harder not to ask her mind to mind to find out the truth. Only the risk of my own secrets being exposed was stopping me.
When we reached the landing, she impatiently waited while I stripped, studiously looking anywhere but at me.
“Shall I take a bag?” she offered. So that I could have my clothes when I shifted back.
“No, I can leave them here. We can just fly, then come right back. I don’t want you out for too long.
Her eyes rolled again, though I could tell she thought it was discreet.
I shifted and shook out my wings, relieved to feel their weight after too long. This flight would be good for me as well. I hadn’t been flying as often as I liked, trying to balance everything lately. And now that I had a ryder, flying solo never quite hit the spot like it used to.
Kiera tried twice to haul herself up that first step but she was still weakened, so I moved over to the benches without a word so that she could give herself a boost. She didn’t complain, and that time, she was able to seat herself with little trouble.
“Ready?” I asked through the bond.
“This is the worst part. Just do it,” she said, tensing.
I didn’t waste any time getting airborne and despite her distaste for the height itself, she relaxed after I leveled out.
“It’s the takeoff and landings you don’t enjoy. You seem to be fine while we fly,” I noted, taking a wide sweep over the city.
“If I’m being honest, the flying is something I think I’ll grow to love. Up here, I feel in sync with you. I can sense your changes in movement somehow. Almost like I’m making the decision to turn when you turn. So I feel comfortable and safe.
“The issue is, when that thing happened to me, that was not flying. I was toyed with. The takeoff was terrifying. I was wrenched from the ground, dangled almost upside down as we climbed steeply, and then just let go. It was the lack of control and the sensations on my body as the ground was ripped from beneath my feet one moment and then was rushing towards me the next. As we take off and land, those sensations trigger the memory. So I’ve never got past that part to actually experience flight.”
I bared my teeth and snarled, thinking of what she went through. Never mind this compassionate leadership style I was trying to foster. Being reminded of exactly what he did to Kiera, I decided I still needed to spend some alone time with Koen.
Her fingers stroking the scales on my neck soothingly. “Don’t go all growly on me. Let me just enjoy this, okay?”
I huffed out the smoke I could taste on my tongue and let it drift over her to show my disapproval.
“Dragons,” she muttered into my mind.
We flew in silence for a while, and our magic seemed to open and blossom like a flower. I felt a charge between us like never before, and I knew this was doing her good. I just wished she would open up about what was bothering her.
I knew I couldn’t reciprocate and that was what was stopping me from really pushing. But maybe if I opened up about something else, she would feel the trust between us and let me in?
“I’m still worried about things with Nyx,” I admitted.
“Is he worse?” she came back immediately, showing her concern for her friend.
“No, he seems slightly better in some ways. We had a couple of good conversations while you’ve been recovering. He is holding things together for the most part. But if you are right about how he could be suffering inside, I’m worried for all of our sakes. We need him. The kingdoms need him. So we need him to heal from losing Kol somehow, and we are coming up short on that front. I just feel like I’m failing him. ”
Silence was the only reply I got.
I wondered if I’d pushed the point too far. After all, I knew that feeling of failing Nyx was something we shared. Had I reminded her of how we were both coming up short?
She shifted, seeming uneasy, and I prepared to apologize. Then, I felt the bond between us flare as she drew strength from it to her core.
“I need to tell you something,” she said hesitantly.
I didn’t reply. This was it. I didn’t want to throw her off by saying the wrong thing.
“There is a place where we are likely to find the information we need. But going there is not straightforward. It requires complete trust in each other and will reveal a centuries-old secret.”
I tensed. Did she know the secret I kept from her? There was no way she could.
I felt her inhale deeply, readying herself to disclose her meaning, and I would have held my breath if I was not flying.
“In the Forest Kingdom, there is an archive of ancient knowledge which is a closely guarded secret. Healers are privy to the knowledge only once they have taken their sacred oath, but even then, access can only be granted by the custodians of the archive. My family are the heads of the custodians.”
I puffed out a breath of relief and tried to digest this information.
“What kind of knowledge?” I asked.
“Illegal knowledge,” she whispered. Even though she was speaking directly into my mind, she still feared saying the words and being overheard.
“You see, the healers have always kept the most extensive archives in the kingdoms. Even more so than the priests, who, at one time in history, were a part of the healing order. But over time, the disciplines separated and the magic evolved, and priests became something different to us. Their practices stayed rooted in the old ways while ours developed. Always changing and evolving for the better care of the people. But at its core, healing magic is the oldest kind of magic and we must know its roots in order to help it grow.”
I knew this history, but I couldn’t tell her so.
“When the kingdoms were unified under one rule at the end of the Hundred Years War, everything changed. Old magic was outlawed and all the references were ordered to be destroyed. Our archive was always closely guarded, so it was safe. But healers all over the kingdoms risked their lives to rescue important works and transfer them to the care of the archive in the Forest Kingdom.”
“And it survives?” I asked, intrigued. We had thought that our people were the only ones who thought to rescue this kind of information. But our elders had been wrong. I wanted to see this archive and compare it to the great library of Kerani.
“It does, and its existence is so sacred to my people that the oath we swear to become a healer at the end of our training includes it. Only my bloodline can grant access. Not even the council of elders controls it. It’s the only way to ensure it’s never discovered.”
“So how are you telling me?” I didn’t understand. The blood oath we swore before we were allowed to leave my home to come to the First Kingdom prevents me from speaking of it outside of Kerani itself. If she swore a vow, surely she was breaking it.
“I had thought I’d never be able to. But my father actually encouraged it. He’s very taken with you, Jaxus,” she chuckled. “It’s pretty disconcerting, to be honest. He never warms to fae who aren’t healers, especially not flyers. I don’t know what you did to win him over, but it’s miraculous.”
“So he gave you permission?”
“Not exactly. He just reminded me that our bond means you’re as good as family now, so if I trust you enough, I can make that decision.”
“Just like that?” I couldn’t believe it was that easy. That she trusted me that way.
“Not exactly. The elders will most likely not be pleased with an outsider knowing our most guarded secret. But as my father reminded me, it’s not theirs to guard. That is our right, and as my bonded flyer, I am granting you the trust.”
I didn’t know what to say. This was—I…I felt like a snake. This was the moment I should be telling her that I had a similar secret, but no. My secret was far bigger and had so much more than knowledge at stake. I couldn’t speak the words without breaking the blood oath. If I did, I’d die and she’d suffer like Nyx was for the rest of her days.
If I ever wanted to share those facts with her I would have to take her there and I knew in my heart if we went, the elders wouldn’t let us just fly away this time. I had promised to return and didn’t. I couldn’t go back with yet another outsider and hope they’d accept that we wanted to take our knowledge and live outside of the mist. No, they’d force us to stay. I knew they would. They’d kill to protect the secret.
“Say something—” Kiera sounded nervous and I realized I’d gone into my thoughts and left her waiting for a response.
“So you can go there and see if you can find what we need to help Nyx?” I asked.
“We can go there,” she corrected.
“You’d risk getting on the wrong side of your elders to take me?” I was surprised she’d even consider it. I’d had plenty of experience dealing with elders, and it was something you avoided if you could.
“You’re researching this with me, I need you.”
I was touched. She was such a bright mind, and she valued my help. I was about to say something to this effect when she silenced me with her sharp wit.
“Besides, how else will I get there?”