Chapter Thirty-two Truth
Chapter Thirty-two
Truth
Hea followed Bridei to the edge of the woods, her heart pounding like the drums in the glen behind her. No one appeared to notice their departure. Whoops, shouts, and laughter rang over the wide clearing, and the music grew louder still.
Bridei did not lead her far, just out of sight into a thicket of pines. Out of the glow of the firelight, Hea noted that there was a waxing moon rising into the dark sky; it was not far off full now, for the month was almost at an end.
Turning to her, Bridei watched Hea approach. The silver light of the moon illuminated the chiseled plains of his face but cast his eyes into shadow. Hea stopped a couple of feet away from him and concentrated on steadying her breathing. Surely he could hear her thundering heart?
“What is it?”
He smiled, although the expression lacked his usual brash self-confidence. For the first time, Bridei mac Beli appeared unsure of himself. “I’m a coward,” he murmured. “I should have spoken before now.”
Hea tensed and folded her arms across her chest in an attempt to create a barrier between them. When she did not respond, Bridei continued.
“I was callous in Bebbanburg. I saw you, I wanted you, and I didn’t care what the consequences were. I’ll be honest; when I left you and set off north, I planned to put you behind me.” He broke off here, the words having rushed out of him. “Only … I couldn’t.”
Hea felt his gaze pin her to the spot and wished she could see his eyes, to be able to read his expression better.
“Bridei,” she began softly, injecting a note of warning into her voice. “I don’t think—”
“Please let me finish.”
Hea clenched her jaw before reluctantly nodding. “Go on then.”
He stepped forward, and in the coolness of the woods, she felt the warmth of his body reach out to her. She inhaled the scent of him that had always been so exciting and yet comforting.
“I returned to Dundurn and readied myself for war … but all I could think of was you. I set off south, to draw Ecgfrith and his men into a net, but at each still moment, you were there.” His words were quiet, powerful.
Hea did not doubt the truth of them for a moment.
Yet Bridei was not finished. “I could not forget you. You’d left a scar upon my soul. ”
Hea stared at him. The noise from the revelry in the glen, although only a few yards distant, felt as if it were a world away.
These were the words she had once dreamed of hearing, yet now they felt like a blow to the belly.
She wished for him to finish there, but Bridei was not yet done.
Now that he had begun to open his heart, he could not stop.
“The day of the battle, after we won, I felt empty. There I was, having achieved my life’s goal, but it was a hollow victory.
When I saw you again shortly afterward, I have never known such joy.
I realized then that there wouldn’t be room for another woman in my heart … that I love you and always will.”
Hea’s throat constricted. The urge to crumple to the ground and dissolve in tears crashed over her. The gods were cruel. What fun they must be having, sitting above watching her suffer.
She inhaled deeply, clenching her fists at her sides till her fingers bit painfully into her palms. “You would not say such things if you knew the truth about me,” she finally managed.
Bridei frowned. He had clearly not expected such a reaction, especially after pouring out his soul. “I wish to know all of you,” he replied. “That’s what love is.”
Hysteria bubbled up within her. “Even if I told you that it was my fault Ecgfrith rode so recklessly into that valley?”
His gaze narrowed further. “How could it be? I set that trap for him.”
“Aye—but a few months earlier, I had a vision … and in it, I saw your army defeated in that place. Many of Ecgfrith’s men questioned his dogged pursuit of you north, yet he ignored their advice. Because of me.”
Bridei folded his arms across his chest, his mouth quirking. “Then you have my thanks, Hea. I thought that victory was due to my tactical skills. It seems I was wrong.”
Anger surged within her at his flippant response.
“What if I also told you that the woman you say you love is the daughter of the man you despise?” Bridei flinched back, as if she had just struck him, but Hea pressed on.
“That’s right, I’m Ecgfrith’s bastard. He was the man my mother threw her life away for—the reason she died young of bitterness and a broken heart. ”
She stepped back from him, taking in the shock on his face. “I’m not so attractive now, am I?”
She turned and fled, making for the trees. However, she had only taken half a dozen strides when he caught her. Hea struggled as Bridei pulled her around to face him.
“How long have you known this?” he demanded.
She glared up at him, struggling in his iron grip. “Since just before the battle.”
“So Lewren kept it from you all these years—you never suspected?”
Hea shook her head, clenching her jaw. “No … now let me go.”
He did so, although he remained standing close to her, ready to grab her again should she try to run. She felt him studying her face, trying to absorb the news. His shock was evident. It was as she had suspected—this did change how he thought about her.
All those tender, passionate words … she had nearly believed him. Yet now that he knew she was Ecgfrith’s bastard, he would forget he even said them.
“My mother loved a king once,” she began, her voice low and angry, “and it brought her nothing but pain. I’ll not make the same mistake.”
He drew back, his face hardening. “I’m not Ecgfrith,” he replied, each word flat and hard. “Do you really think so little of me?”
“You’re a man—you take what you want, and use, while it serves you.”
A chill silence settled between them. “I care not who your father is. I only want you,” he replied, his voice barely above a whisper.
Her mouth twisted. “You say that now, but I saw your face before.”
“I didn’t expect it, that’s all.”
“Don’t lie to me … I saw your disgust.”
He shook his head. “I would have loved you, have made you my queen … yet you throw it all back in my face.”
He stepped back from her, a chill draft breathing between them. “Very well … I’ll give you what you want. Go back to Bebbanburg, to your empty hovel and your new king. I’ll send an escort of men with you tomorrow.”
With that he turned and walked away, disappearing like a wraith into the trees.
Hea watched him go, her heart thundering. She had not wanted to hurt him but had been so intent on protecting herself that she had done exactly that. The look on his face just a moment ago would stay with her forever.
The strength went out of her legs, and she crumpled onto the bed of pine needles that covered the forest floor.
It’s for the best, she told herself as tears scalded her cheeks. I had to be blunt or he’d never understand.
But if that was the case, why did she feel as if her world were coming to an end?
Hea stayed there awhile, trying to control the sobs that convulsed her.
She had thought she would never know misery greater than that when her mother died—but this felt even worse.
Lewren had been gradually getting sicker for some time, and in the end, her suffering had been terrible.
There had been relief mingled with grief when she eventually died.
But right now her soul ached with misery.
Eventually, Hea stumbled to her feet. She needed to pull herself together. She had to be strong. Spending the night curled up on the forest floor, weeping, would do her no good.
Scrubbing at her burning, swollen eyes, she walked back toward the glen—toward the sounds of gaiety and music and the golden glow of firelight. She emerged, blinking, her gaze sweeping over the crowd that moved around the base of the roaring fire.
Taking it all in—the energy, the laughter, and the unabashed enjoyment of one of the four ‘fire’ festivals that marked the Pictish calendar—Hea felt grief tighten its grip within her.
She could fight it all she liked, but the truth was that she had fallen in love with these people and their way of life.
She should have been born a Pict—despite that she was a foreigner here, she was already more accepted than she had ever been in Northumbria.
And now Bridei was sending her back.
She could not blame him. After everything she had said, he must want rid of her immediately.
But the thought of leaving Dundurn, and the new life she had built for herself there, made panic swell within her.
It hurt, almost as much as the pain she felt at losing Bridei forever—even if it had been by her own hand.
This is your own fault, she chided herself. You’ve already turned into a bitter shrew, without any man’s help.
She needed to talk to him, to convince him to let her stay.
Hea moved away from the trees, circling around the edge of the revelers.
She imagined Bridei had returned and was somewhere among them.
But she did not see him. It took a full circle of the glen before she admitted to herself that he had left the revelry …
and when she walked over to the line of horses and found Croí Cróga missing, she knew it to be true.
Hea glanced about, her throat constricting. What have I done?
She had acted out of fear, but in the end had pushed away the thing she wanted most. Not only that, but she had hurt the man she loved—the only man she would ever love.
It was then that she spotted the couple, seated a few yards away at the edge of the glen. Under the sheltering boughs of a birch sat Rinan and Una. He sat with his back against the trunk, while she perched upon his lap, her arms entwined about his neck. They kissed passionately.
Hea’s vision blurred. Even Rinan had managed to forge a new life here. Unlike her, the warrior had shed the old hates and bitterness of the past, whereas she had carried them with her.
I care not who your father is. I only want you.
Panic swept over her. Bridei did not care that Ecgfrith had sired her … he knew the truth and still wanted her. She had been blinded by her own fears, yet it was not too late—she had to find him and undo the mess she had made.
Hea stumbled over to her pony, where it was dozing under a tall beech. Hands trembling, she tightened the girth to the saddle and untied the pony from the tree. Then she led it away, around the edge of the glen, and onto the forest path that led north-west.
As soon as she was out of sight, Hea swung up onto the pony’s back and urged it into a brisk trot. Fortunately, it was a clear night and the hoary light of the moon illuminated her path.
Behind her, the sounds of the celebration soon dimmed and the quietness of the woodland surrounded her.
As she rode, Hea attempted to marshal her thoughts.
It took all her courage to go after Bridei, for he had truly been angry when they had parted earlier.
However, the alternative was too lonely to contemplate.
If he rejected her, it would hurt—but to carry the responsibility for ruining both their lives would be worse.
Lost in thought, Hea hardly noticed the fork in the forest path approaching. It was only when she rode by the path heading southwest that she drew the pony to a halt. She had assumed that Bridei would ride back to Dundurn … but had he?
Perhaps he had ridden to The Falls of Culloch instead?
She remembered his words, that day they had visited the falls. This is where I come when I need to be alone, to think.
Making a decision, Hea turned her mount onto the southwest fork and urged it into a canter.