Chapter 23 #2
Kallie began to stand, but Graeson tugged on her hand, still expecting an answer.
She released a long exhale. "Can I please check to see if you are hurt before we talk about this?"
"I already told you I’m fine," Graeson said gruffly.
"Then stand up," she demanded, moving away.
Graeson muttered something about avoidance, but Kallie ignored him and folded her hands over her chest, waiting. The moment he leaned forward to push himself up, though, he released a hiss.
Kallie looked at his back and cursed.
A large stick protruded from his lower back. It punctured his shirt, piercing his skin. She grabbed her dagger and cut through the material.
"Hey! I liked this shirt." Graeson tried turning, but Kallie dug her nails into his shoulder.
"Don’t move," she ordered. The skin around the stick was red and irritated. Blood dribbled down his back.
"Whatever it is, it’s—" Graeson choked on his words the second Kallie touched the stick. He dug his hands into the ground, his knuckles cracking.
She carefully let go of the stick. "You’re not fine."
"Just pull it out," Graeson bit out through clenched teeth.
Kallie hesitated as she stared at his back. "I should go get our first-aid kit."
He pointed to Nyrri. "In the pouch."
Attached to the saddle on Nyrri’s back hung a small pouch. Kallie leaned over and unhooked it. Opening it, she pulled out the supplies she needed.
Eyeing the stick, she asked, "Ready?"
Graeson groaned a noncommittal response.
Kallie pressed one hand on his shoulder, stabilizing him. She raised her other hand, and it shook in the air. She swallowed and carefully wrapped her fingers around the stick. "Deep breath, all right?"
Graeson inhaled. When she felt his breath hit its height, she pulled. He spat out a curse and snatched Kallie’s hand holding his shoulder.
"Was that intentional?" he bit out.
"Perhaps," she said, tossing the stick away. She began cleaning the wound one-handed. It was a little awkward and would have been much easier and quicker if she had the use of both hands, but she couldn’t get herself to ask him to release it. She told herself it was because she didn’t wish to make a fuss, but she knew the truth.
His touch was holding her together as much as it was him.
"Kal, I—"
She applied the alcohol to the wound, and he snapped his mouth shut.
"It doesn’t look like the stick drove in too far. There’s probably going to be a nasty scar," Kallie said, analyzing the wound. "We should move to the camp so I can stitch it."
Graeson released a disgruntled groan.
"Can you stand?"
Graeson nodded. Pressing his palms against his knees, he stood awkwardly. He leaned against her; whether on purpose, she didn’t know. Either way, she wrapped an arm around his back.
"Come on," Kallie said, beginning to head in the direction Ellie had disappeared.
Graeson caught her hand in his. "Wait."
Kallie grimaced. "We really should stitch it up before it gets infected."
"It’ll be fine."
She looked back at him and lifted a brow. He still seemed like he was in pain. His features were twisted, and his complexion was dull and devoid of its usual warmth. Had she missed something?
"What is it? Are you hurt somewhere else—"
"No," he said, interrupting her. "I just…I want to talk to you without Ellie around."
"Graeson," she warned. "I have to do this. Nothing you say will change my mind. She’s your mother."
"And you’re…" Graeson’s words fell off as he looked at her. His hair was soaked, and the strands stuck to his forehead as water dripped down the contours of his face.
She wished he had believed her lie. It would have made this so much easier.
"Dani told me the truth," she admitted.
Tilting his head to the sky, he closed his eyes as the storm persisted with no end in sight. In the moonlight, the exhaustion was plain across his face. She wondered how much sleep he had gotten since leaving Tetria. How long had he been flying before Nyrri had crashed?
"Dani’s always butting into things she shouldn’t, isn’t she?" he said.
Kallie curled a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I’m glad she told me. I…I get it now."
"You do?"
She sighed and tucked her dagger back into its holster. "You think you can change fate, Graeson, but you can’t. Neither of us can."
"I don’t believe that. I don’t believe our fates are sealed. I don’t believe there is nothing we can do, that we have to accept that our chances are slim to none."
"Aren’t you tired, though? How many times have you chased after me? How many times have you already fought against fate?"
"And how many times have I beaten it?" Graeson turned toward her, standing on his own. "I’m standing in front of you now, aren’t I?
I will never grow tired of fighting for you.
" He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
The touch was almost nonexistent, yet it sent a wave of energy spiraling down her neck.
Ever since Kallie had arrived in Tetria, she had let herself sink into the shadows.
She had lost her purpose. Since she had woken up in the hospital ward, she had felt like she was falling with no end in sight.
For weeks, she had been waiting to hit the ground, wondering if she would crash or somehow land on her feet.
While she was still falling, Kallie finally felt herself rotating, turning, preparing to land. She no longer wished to freefall.
Accepting the bond would only hurt him. If the trade went south, if something happened to her…
She couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t put him through that.
She refused to return to Tetria and pretend the war wasn’t already here. She would never forgive herself if she gave up, if she let Domitius win.
"I cannot be what you want me to be," Kallie whispered.
His brows bunched together, and his eyes flicked back and forth between hers. "Who do you think I want you to be, Kal?"
"You want me to be safe, not reckless. You want me to sit somewhere while those I care about put their lives at risk for me."
"I—" Graeson began, but Kallie cut him off before he could say anything else.
"I’m going to go through with this whether or not you like it," Kallie said, determined.
She needed him to understand. She needed him to know why she was breaking his heart—breaking both of theirs.
"You may think that I am only doing this because I blame myself for this war, but that is not the entire truth. While my actions are in part to blame, I do not care that my reputation has been tarnished. I’m not doing this because I want people to look at me differently.
Nothing I do will rewrite the past. I have come to terms with that.
Not only do I need to do this, I want to.
For the first time in my life, I have a choice, not only to prevent bloodshed, but to use my ability for good.
"Ever since we freed my mind, I’ve believed my gift to be a curse, that it could only be used for evil.
Domitius didn’t only infect my emotions, he twisted the way I viewed myself.
That is not something that Ellie nor the queen can fix.
That is something that I have to do on my own.
I need to do this because I need to prove to myself that I am not his weapon.
There has to be a reason the gods gave me this ability other than to start a war.
" She took a deep breath. "And if you can’t respect that, then I kindly ask you to leave. "
Although she was afraid to see how her words hurt him, she was proud of having spoken her truth. If Graeson could not understand where she was coming from, then that was his fault. And perhaps the very reason the Fates were against them.
But then Graeson did something she did not expect. He smiled. A true, genuine smile.
He grabbed her hands and squeezed them. "Kalisandre, you misunderstand my hesitancy. I’m sorry that you believe I want you to make yourself small.
I have never wanted that. I have only ever wanted you to have a choice.
Domitius has always been several steps ahead of us, so my hesitancy only comes from fear.
I do not wish to lose you. And yes, part of that is me being selfish.
But if this is what you wish to do, then please, let me be there by your side when you face him. "
There was a plea in his eyes, but she realized he meant what he said. He wasn’t begging her to turn around. It was something entirely different.
His gaze was locked onto hers, unflinching and undeterred. "Let me see you become the woman I’ve always known you could be."