Chapter 12 Letting Go
“She wouldn’t have worn that dress for you.”
Aster’s words hit harder than I wanted to admit.
That tightness in my chest was like a vice before I forced myself to breathe again.
Could it be true? But then, a moment from tonight suddenly came back to me that I had ignored until now.
The thing she muttered when we had been standing by the elevators.
Something about wasting the dress on me.
Which meant my friend was right, she had indeed worn it for me.
“But why?” I muttered, more to myself than to him. “She’s seen nothing but the worst of me. She still thinks I’m the villain,” I reminded him, but Aster gave a dry laugh.
“Ah, yes, and she’d be the first woman in history to lash out when she’s hurt, right?
” I shot him a warning look, but he pressed on.
“She’s confused. Angry. And if I had to guess, she feels guilty for feeling anything for you at all.
Especially since you’ve spent three years fitting perfectly into the role of the monster she was taught to hate. ”
Well, he wasn’t wrong there, she had reminded me enough times.
But then I thought back to what he said earlier about the book, realizing it as being a pivotal shift between us…
Well, until I had gone and fucked it up by lending it to someone else first. Not that I had known at the time, of course, but it did make me question what else I could have given her in its place.
I had no clue, only what was supposed to be a peace offering had unintentionally turned into poison the moment her uncle mentioned it aloud. And damn him, but the more I thought back to it, the more I realized my friend was right.
Her expression, how the light dimmed behind her eyes. The way her shoulders drew in, small, defensive. Like she had been wounded.
When she’d first entered the room, she’d been radiant. A little hesitant, yes, but breathtakingly so. There had been something almost innocent about it. Not the fragile kind, but a softness that lived beneath all that fire.
For the first time, the little warrior’s armor had cracked, and what shone through had nearly blinded me. And I, in all my arrogance, had been too damn blind to see it for what it was. That book had meant something to her. And I’d tainted it.
That silenced me.
Because for the first time, I was at a loss.
“What do you suppose I do about it, then?” I asked finally, the words tasting like ash.
“Oh, I don’t know, perhaps you could try something revolutionary… like apologizing,” he replied in a wry tone.
I clenched my jaw.
“Need I remind you that’s not exactly my strong suit,” I admitted in an equally dry tone. He grinned.
“Understatement of the year,” he muttered.
“Not helping here,” I grumbled.
“Okay, so what might help is understanding that women like Alex don’t need grand gestures. Just honesty.”
Honesty. The word grated. It wasn’t something men like me were often used to. I was in the habit of making a command and having it be carried out without question, not explaining myself. Baring my soul with honesty was more like a foreign concept.
“You think she’d even listen?” I muttered.
Aster shrugged, his expression softening.
“I think she’d want to. She may not admit it, but she wants to understand you. Hell, she already tries to,” he surmised, making me sigh as I looked away, jaw tight.
Aster had earned his position as my second in command for more than just his sword and his unmatched ability to wield it. He was my anchor, the only one who could tell me when I was being a damned fool and get away with it without losing his head. Something he was doing right now.
Still, the admission cut deep.
Because he was right again, I really was clueless. I could lead an army, crush rebellion, command loyalty from thousands… but the thought of one woman, one mortal woman, at that… well, it disarmed me entirely.
“You’re quiet,” Aster said, breaking into my thoughts.
I exhaled slowly.
“This isn’t ideal,” I admitted.
“No,” he agreed. “Relationships rarely are. Especially when one of you is the commander of a mythical army, and the other’s had thoughts of stabbing said commander since they met.”
I ignored the jab and scowled at the first word he used.
“A relationship? Don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped, however, he only smirked, seeing through me far too easily. But the word lingered in the air like smoke.
Relationship.
It settled in my chest… heavy, dangerous, just like hope. The kind I wanted to stamp out before it grew into something I couldn’t control. Because I’d seen what hope did to men like me. And I’d sworn never to fall victim to it again.
Aster exhaled, looking exasperated.
“Seriously, what did you think was going to happen? You’ve got feelings for the girl, whether your stubborn ass wants to admit it or not.
I know you, and I’ve never seen you act this way around anyone before.
” He emphasized this by folding his arms, his gaze steady.
“You care for her. And trust me, after all the years we’ve fought side by side, I know what that means.
It’s not about using her, and we both know it.
It’s more than that and a hell of a lot more than you’re willing to say. ”
I sighed and dragged a hand across my forehead.
“What’s the point, Aster? You said it yourself, the whole purpose of this is to find our way home.
For three years, we’ve hunted for the one, the key to ending all this.
What do you think happens after that? You think she’s going to want to come to The?kós?
Give up her life, her people, her world?
” I tested, hating the idea of losing her already.
I laughed without humor and reminded him, “She can barely stand to look at us as anything but the enemy.”
“You’ve missed the point,” he countered. “She loathes the enemy, yes, but that isn’t us. A fact she doesn’t fully understand yet. Probably because you’ve never actually tried explaining it to her.” That one stung. Because damn it, he was right.
I hadn’t tried to explain a single thing. I’d been too focused on my own suspicions, my own goals. And after that night in my office… everything had unraveled.
The only peace I’d felt since was the moment I carried her back here.
In fact, I could still feel the weight of her in my arms, soft and trembling.
The scent of her hair. The way her head had fallen against my shoulder.
When I’d laid her on the bed, I hadn’t wanted to let go.
For one fleeting moment, the world had stopped breaking.
And I hadn’t felt that kind of rightness in centuries.
Of course, I’d never admit that to Aster. He already thought I’d lost my mind.
“The truth,” he said, pulling me back to the difficult conversation, “Is that you have no idea what she’s going to do.
But I do know this… the two of you can’t keep fighting it.
Something’s going to give, and soon. Either you’re going to end up kissing her…
or you’re going to end up fighting it out. ”
I rolled my eyes, despite him not being wrong.
“Frankly, I’m betting on the first, despite hoping to be a spectator of the second.” He smirked, and I granted him a wry look.
Gods help me, the image of the first choice hit me too vividly. Her pressed against me, that fire in her eyes melting into something else entirely. I clenched my fist, not from anger, but from how real that temptation felt. Every touch with her was amplified a hundredfold.
Healing her in my office had nearly destroyed my composure. The sight of her bruised skin, marred by the fall, had twisted something deep inside me. The urge to protect warred with something darker, something hungrier.
Aster was right again. I had two choices, to keep pushing her away, pretending she was nothing but a tool in my quest… or finally admit the truth to myself.
That I could let myself feel.
That I could open up to her.
I could explain everything, the Rift, the scars, the reason our worlds were bound. And maybe, she’d hate me less for it. But for now, that hope was still a dangerous thing.
“The boy,” I muttered, the word tasting like bile. “He’s a problem.” I refused to speak his name.
“Ah, yes, well, in that we are in agreement,” he said.
“Any sight of him?”
“We checked the banks, but he must’ve gone farther downriver than expected.”
I exhaled a frustrated sigh.
“You think he’ll come back for her?” I asked, and my jaw tightened. The very thought of anyone taking her from me made my chest ache and my unearthly self-want to emerge.
“He’ll try. The loyalty she has for him, he mirrors it. You saw it at the rail tracks. The way he threw himself toward death for her.”
I scoffed, remembering the heroic image myself.
“If I didn’t despise him, I might have been impressed,” I commented with gritted teeth. Aster gave me that look again, the one that made me want to break something.
“You’re jealous,” he pointed out in a sing-song voice, and a growl rumbled low in my throat before I could stop it.
That other side of me, the one I kept caged, pressed hard against its bars. Right now, it wanted out and fought me for supremacy. The famed ‘rage’ of my bloodline roared at me to find the threat and eliminate it, no matter the cost. Because, unfortunately, he was right.
I was jealous. The emotion was one I admittedly never had use for before Alexandra.
And I despised it almost as much as I despised the cause.
In my world, such emotions were settled with blades, not feelings.
Two men fought, and the victor claimed what his heart desired…
if the heart in question desired him back, of course.
But this wasn’t my world anymore.
And she wasn’t something to be won. And let’s just say that from what I’d learned of mortals so far, I doubted Alexandra would have been particularly pleased to witness me pummel the male’s head into the ground.
Or twist his neck, ripping his head clean from his shoulders.
She would have classed it as barbaric, no doubt.
Mortals were quick to condemn what they didn’t understand. And the last time the veil between our worlds had opened wide enough for travel, it had been a very different civilization that had welcomed me.
That had welcomed us.
Even I hadn’t been prepared for what we found this time. The mortal realm had changed beyond recognition. It had become a society obsessed with machines, with light and noise, with all its distractions. But even with all their technology, it had done nothing to save them in the end.
And now Alexandra needed to understand that my purpose here wasn’t simply to save my people…
It was to save hers as well.
But as that thought settled, another followed, one darker, quieter, festering like a wound.
What would happen when my purpose was fulfilled?
Would I truly be willing to let her go?
My gaze drifted, unbidden, to the wall beside me.
The one that separated her room from mine.
The silence there felt charged, alive, as though the air itself trembled with her nearness.
I almost imagined I could hear her breathing on the other side.
The faint rustle of movement, the beating of a heart that seemed far too entwined with my own.
I pressed a hand against the cold surface between us, fingers splaying over it as if I could feel her warmth through the plasterboard.
Would I let her go?
The answer came unspoken, as steady as the pulse beneath my skin.
No. Not now…
Not ever.