Chapter 14 – Alana
Chapter
Fourteen
ALANA
It’s been almost two weeks since that first encounter with Dr. Kelly, when I accidentally discovered there might be a potential issue with our fertility.
She carried out a few tests on the day and then called me back for some more as well.
Now it’s just a matter of waiting for the results, which has been harder than it sounds.
I’ve done my best not to obsess. I’ve kept busy at the shelter doing the work I love, and I’ve spent lots of time with Lucia.
She is proving herself to be a completely problem-free houseguest and is really good company, especially as Alejandro is so busy with work.
I don’t blame him for that, but I do miss him.
But while I’ve not been obsessing about the tests, my low-level anxiety about the results has never completely gone away.
I was reassured by Alejandro’s reaction, and by his total confidence that it will all work out for the best, but that doesn’t mean my mind has been put completely at ease.
I’m reading by the pool when I finally get the call from Dr. Kelly telling me my results are in and asking if Alejandro and I can come in later this morning.
I tell her that of course we can and I am looking forward to seeing her, which is maybe an exaggeration.
I need to see her, I know, but I really wish I didn’t have to.
I really wish I wasn’t in this situation at all.
I hold it together while I talk to her, but as soon as I put the phone down I almost throw up with nerves and anxiety.
If she needs to see me straight away, it can’t be good news, right?
Nobody ever wants to get that kind of call from a doctor, because it never means anything good.
I’m not stupid. If everything was okay, she could have just put me out of my misery and told me over the phone.
No, it’s got to be bad. Or maybe I’m overreacting, overthinking. It’s a good clinic, catering to the elite of LA, so maybe this is standard? Maybe they like to give all news face to face, good or bad? Oh God, why is this happening…
My fingers tremble as I pick my cell back up and dial Alejandro.
“Hey, princesa,” he says, his voice low and gravelly. The sound would normally have me panting with longing.
“Hey. So, Dr. Kelly called. She has my results, and she’d like us to go in this morning if we can. Are you able to make it?”
“Of course. I’ll move some things around.”
“Thank you,” I say, my voice wobbling.
“Everything will be okay. No matter what.”
“Okay,” I whisper. He sounds so strong, so certain. I just wish I could believe that too.
“I’ll pick you up at eleven. Is that okay?”
“Yes. I’ll let her know.”
“Te quiero, Alana.”
“Love you too, Alex.”
Alejandro squeezes my hand tightly in his as we sit in Dr. Kelly’s office and try to digest what she just told us. I’m struggling to listen at all. I basically stopped being able to focus after the words it will be very difficult for you to conceive naturally, Alana.
Alejandro takes charge, asking lots of questions, and Dr. Kelly explains all of our options and tells us what fertility treatments might be good for us.
I sit and nod politely, but on the inside I am screaming.
Crying. Devastated. Those words have changed everything.
They mean that I might never be able to give my husband a baby.
The children he so desperately wants. The heir that his family needs.
It’s a huge blow, and I feel it in every part of me.
My mind is in shock, and my heart is broken, because it’s not just Alex who wanted those little Montoyas running around. I don’t think I’d realized how much I wanted it too until now.
Half an hour later we walk out of the doctor’s office, and I am still in a daze. On autopilot and barely holding it together.
Alejandro holds onto my hand, constantly glancing at me, his dark eyes full of concern. That only makes me feel worse. He must be devastated too, but he’s too busy worrying about me, his broken wife, to even acknowledge it.
This isn’t fair, to either of us, but especially to him.
This is my fault. My body is letting us down, not his.
Knowing he’s worrying about me is just making me feel even more guilty.
I should be comforting him, apologizing even.
At the very least trying to stay positive and focus on the hope that Dr. Kelly offered us.
I find that I can’t. I’m just too upset.
I can’t even look at him right now, I feel such a complicated mix of sadness and shame.
He squeezes my hand, then takes me by the shoulders. Forces me to look at him. His eyes roam over my shocked face, and then he tenderly runs his fingers along my cheekbones.
“Come on, let’s go home. We can do something nice together this afternoon. Maybe go for a hike? Or to a movie?” he says as he guides me to the car.
“No. You have meetings all day. You should go back to the hotel,” I insist. It’s strange, but being around him is making me feel worse.
And him being so kind, so perfect, makes this whole failure of mine feel even more cruel.
He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve me, a woman who can’t fulfill even the most basic of functions for him.
“Alana, I’m not going to work when you’re this upset.”
“Aren’t you upset?” I snap at him.
It’s not fair that I snap, I know that. It makes no sense. But I’m not feeling very sensible right now.
He frowns at me but keeps his voice level and calm.
He knows me too well to be angry with me.
He knows I’m lashing out because I’m in pain, like a wounded animal.
“Of course I am. But we’ve only just found out about this.
We don’t need to start talking about our options right now, but we have plenty. ”
“But there’s no guarantee any of them will work,” I sniff, on the verge of tears now
“Alana.” He puts an arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. “There is no rush. We don’t even need to think about any of that yet. Just let me take you home.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I need to go to the shelter anyway. We have a huge fundraising event I need to plan for.”
He looks at me, his eyes still full of concern. I find a smile for him, because I desperately need him to not spend the rest of his day worrying about me. I need time to process all of this, too.
“I want to go to work,” I say firmly. “It’ll be better for me to keep busy while this sinks in. You go back to the hotel, go to your meetings, and I’ll see you tonight. I’m okay. I promise.”
He frowns at me, but finally, he nods. Hugo has been waiting outside with the car, and he signals him over.
It used to be that if I was with Alex, the other men were left behind, but I’ve noticed these days that we’re always accompanied.
I know things are going on in his working world that he doesn’t tell me, and now he has this on top of everything else.
I wasn’t lying when I said it would be good for me to work, but I was lying when I said I was okay.
I’m not okay, and I’m not sure if I ever will be.
“Can you and Hank take Alana to the shelter?” he asks.
“Of course, boss,” Hugo replies. He nods at me kindly and walks back to the car. He won’t ask, but he knows we were seeing the doctor, and he knows me well enough to tell that I’m not myself.
Before I can follow him, Alejandro takes hold of my arm. He looks like he’s about to hug me, but then seems to change his mind. Maybe he knows it will push me over the edge. “I’ll be home for dinner. Okay?”
“Okay. I’ll see you then,” I say as I force a smile.
I am sitting at my desk a few hours later, still reeling from the news Dr. Kelly gave us earlier.
I made some calls and organized as much as I could for the fundraiser, but I can hardly focus on anything.
I thought being here would help. I thought keeping my mind occupied would be for the best. Turns out I was wrong, and now I feel like I’m incapable at work as well as at home.
All I want right now is Alejandro. I want him to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that what we found out today doesn’t change anything between us.
I shake my head in annoyance at my own stupidity.
I should have taken him up on his offer to do something together.
We could have been hiking in the hills, surrounded by nature, or snuggled up in bed together watching a movie.
We could have been comforting each other, not on different sides of the city, both alone with our thoughts and our fears.
Hugo stands up and stretches his legs, and I realize the poor guy has been sitting in my office for the past two hours without so much as a drink.
He’s been a silent presence, alert but fading into the background as I made my calls and stared at my screen.
Now, though, I know I’m not going to be able to get much else done.
“Hey. How do you fancy finishing work early today?” I ask him.
He flashes his eyebrows at me. “That depends. What exactly do you have in mind?”
“Nothing that will get us into trouble. I just…I just want to go to the hotel. I’ll wait in the suite until Alejandro has finished with his meetings, and you can go visit your mom. I know she’s still a little under the weather.”
He frowns, thinking it over. Doing his own risk assessment. “I’ll have to take you up to the suite, make sure you’re safe.”
“I wouldn’t expect any less,” I say, smiling at him.
“Okay. Whenever you’re ready then.”
I close down my computer and pick up my purse. “I’m ready now. Let’s go.”