Chapter 18 – Alana #2
He nods and presses his forehead against mine. Our bodies are molded together, breath ragged, hearts hammering in perfect sync.
“What the hell were you thinking? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been, Alana? How worried Lucia has been?”
I can hear the pain in his voice, and I swallow.
I wasn’t thinking is the truth. I was just feeling, and none of those feelings were good.
I needed to be away from LA, needed to be with someone who loved me and accepted me just the way I am.
I regret the way I did it, because he’s right, I have put him and Lucia through stress that could have been avoided.
I hoped she’d be reassured by my message, but of course she was worried.
It was selfish of me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“But I did say I’d be back in a couple days.
I just needed some space. I should have told you, I know.
But it wasn’t planned, Alex, it was a spur of the moment thing. I didn’t even bring clothes.”
“I see that,” he replies. “Cute PJs. But why didn’t you tell me? Do you have any idea how it felt to realize you’d lied to my men, slipped away? I was scared for your safety, and I wanted to kill you, both at the same time.”
I let out a small laugh. That’s so very him. “I know. I wish I’d told you properly. But it was all so intense yesterday. I did what I felt I had to do in the moment.”
His eyes search mine. The anger is still radiating from him, but there’s something else there too. Vulnerability, and determination.
“We had some bad news yesterday. I know that. But you don’t just run away when things get hard.
We face our problems together. You said you wanted a real marriage.
That is what a real marriage is about. It’s about sticking with each other even during the tough times.
Especially during the tough times. I can’t be married to someone who leaves me when there’s trouble. ”
I shake my head. I want nothing more than to stay in his arms, to forget this whole thing happened. To let myself feel safe again. But we need to talk about this, or it will fester.
“It’s not that simple, is it, Alejandro? It wasn’t just bad news. It changed everything. I might never be able to give you children, or the heir your father so desperately wants. Maybe you should find someone who can.”
He takes a step back from me, his face so full of fury that I wonder if he’s about to explode. “What did you just fucking say?” he growls.
I swallow. Maybe that was unfair, because he’s never said that to me.
He’s never once told me he only wants me to provide his heirs.
And he’s gone to a huge amount of effort to find me.
But I’m still hurting, and there’s no point in sweeping any of this under the rug.
“I heard you and your father talking yesterday,” I tell him.
“I didn’t mean to snoop, I just came to the suite to see you.
I heard what he said about me and maybe he’s right. I am useless to you now.”
“You really think I believe that?” he asks, his voice low and dangerous.
“Well, you didn’t correct him. You let him say those awful things about me and you didn’t disagree,” I reply, my voice trembling as much as my knees. The memory of that whole scene floods back into my mind, humiliating and painful.
“If you’re going to eavesdrop, perhaps you should make sure to listen to the whole conversation. My father has always had my unwavering respect. He is a man who isn’t used to being disagreed with and so I let him have his say. I let him get it out of his system.”
Those are the exact same words Kelsey used. Could it be true? I so want it to be true.
“If you’d hung around, Alana, you would have heard me call him a jackass and throw him out of my office.
I’ve never in my life spoken to my father like that.
But for you, for our marriage? I did. You didn’t get to hear that because you ran away.
Do you really think that your only worth to me is to give me a kid?
Do you really trust our marriage that little? ”
“But that is one of the reasons you married me,” I challenge him. “My dad’s political connections, my name, and the fact that I was young and could help your family continue its legacy.”
“Maybe that was part of it, especially for my dad. But that’s not why we’re still married. I don’t give a fuck about kids, Alana, if I don’t have you by my side. You are everything to me. You’re my whole world. I just don’t understand how you could think otherwise.”
He walks away from me and sits at the edge of Kelsey’s bed. He makes this already small room feel even smaller, dominating it with his beautiful bulk. He stares at me, and although the fire is still there, I now also notice how tired he looks.
How would I have felt if the roles were reversed? If I was worried for his safety, and thought he’d left me without giving me the chance to even fight for our marriage?
I would feel terrible.
I sit beside him, my body pressed close to his.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I really am. But I was already upset and scared.
We’d talked about having kids, and you always sounded so happy when we discussed it.
I wanted it, too. It wasn’t about continuing the Montoya name for me, it was about us.
Us creating the perfect little babies I knew we would create, raising them together, loving them together. I wanted it so much…”
I gulp back the emotion. This is still all too fresh and raw.
He tenses beside me. “I was coming to see you to explain how bad I felt, how sad. Then I heard your dad saying those awful things, and maybe it confirmed how I was already starting to think about myself. Like I was a failure. The fact that I might never get to have a baby, Alejandro, it’s...
” I shake my head and finally lose the battle against the tears.
He sighs, and his arm goes around my shoulders. He tugs me close and kisses my head as I weep against his chest.
“I know, Alana. I know. I wish you hadn’t heard those things. I wish you’d stayed and seen the look on my dad’s face when I called him out and told him to leave.”
I glance up at him, and he wipes tears gently from my cheeks. “I bet he didn’t take that well, huh? I’m sorry I’ve come between you two. I know how much you respect him.”
He kisses me softly. “He’s the one who should be sorry.
He probably already is. At a guess, he’s told my mother what happened, and she’s torn him a new one.
But the fact that you think I would allow someone to talk about you like that, and not defend you, kills me.
How could you believe that? Especially about something like this? ”
“I was already a wreck. Already hurting so much. Maybe part of me thought your dad was right, that leaving you would make it easier for you to move on.”
His grip tightens, and his fingers dig into my arms. “You will never leave me, Alana. There will never be any moving on, for either of us. And I would never let anybody talk about you like that.”
“Thank you. But…Well, it wasn’t just anyone, was it? It was your father. And I know how much you love him. I know how loyal you are to your family, Alejandro.”
He closes his eyes and takes a breath. When he opens them again, they are blazing with emotion. “What you say is true. I am loyal. But you’re family too, Alana, and while I would kill for my father, I would die for you.”
He lowers his head, brushing his lips over mine. I want to relax. I want to put this all behind us, but I have to be sure.
“I don’t want you to die for me, Alex. I want to know that you can live for me, even if we can’t have those little Montoyas you said you wanted.”
He holds my face between his palms, forcing me to meet his gaze.
“There are plenty of ways to have kids. And even if we don’t, you are enough. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect.”
“I want to be perfect for you though. I want to be everything you need.”
“You already are, princesa. I swear I will both live and die a happy man as long as you are by my side. You are my everything. Now, can we please go home?”
My heart swells in my chest. Home. I feel like all of the air is being sucked from the room, and I take shallow breaths to calm my racing heart. I have been such an idiot, but as Alex seems to have forgiven me. Maybe I should forgive me, too.
“Te quiero,” he says softly, his voice a gentle balm.
“I love you too,” I whisper. “And yes, please. Let’s go home.”
He nods. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I have a plane waiting at JFK, but if I needed to, I was perfectly prepared to stick you in the trunk of the car and drive us all the way back to LA.”
“The plane will do just fine,” I say with a smile.
“Good,” he says as he wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead.
“Are you going to punish me for running away?” I whisper. My pulse races, and I feel his cock twitch to life at my words.
“I should,” he breathes into my hair. “I should take my belt to your ass and scar it for life. But no, I’m not going to punish you, as long as you promise never to take off like this again. As long as you promise me that you will always remember you are my whole fucking world. Can you do that?”
“Yes,” I murmur. “I can do that.”
“Okay. So. Do you think your friend would mind if I fucked you on her bed?” he growls, gazing around at the tiny room with its bookshelves and pot plants.
“Yes. I think she’d mind a lot,” I laugh.
“Damn,” he replies with a grin. “In that case I guess we’d better leave it, before I reach the point of no return. I always want to be inside you. You know that.”
“Even when I’m wearing dinosaur PJs?”
“Especially then.”
I widen my eyes and pout. “You like the PJ’s, huh?”