Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
NATE
“Do you know what really surprised me?” I chomp down on a chip and look down at Paige. “There’s one thing that really, well, it was mind-blowing.”
She stretches out beside me. “Well, I don’t know the exact thing you’re looking for, but it’s pretty awesome to know that I was mind-blowing my first time.”
This girl.
“Love the confidence, and you’re not wrong. But I was thinking more along the lines of the fact that you can actually take instructions. You listened like a champ.”
She rolls her eyes.
“Seriously, Paige. That’s the first time you’ve ever actually done something I asked you—oof.”
She slams a pillow against my face.
I roll over before she can suspect it, knocking the bag of chips over, and grab her. She squeals and squirms to get away but can’t.
The streetlight outside shines into the room, highlighting her beautiful face as she looks up at me. There’s a glimmer in her eyes, a look of contentment that I would do nearly anything to keep there.
I place a kiss on her forehead and sit back up. She scrambles around next to me until she’s propped up against the pillows. I watch her get situated, dressed in one of my T-shirts, and looking like temptation itself with her freshly fucked hair.
“You’re staring,” she says.
“Don’t be so beautiful then.”
Her cheeks flush.
“There’s no sense in getting embarrassed at this point,” I tease. “I can still taste you on my lips.”
She covers her face. “Don’t. Stop.”
“That only works in the bedroom.”
She drops her hands and grins. “We are in the bedroom, genius.”
“Touché.” I grab the chips and have another one. “We do need to have a conversation.”
“About what?”
I take another chip and touch it to my lips. I’m going to have to be careful here.
While I told her how I felt while we were fighting earlier, I don’t know if she remembers what I said. I also don’t know how clear I was. I was too mad, too caught up in the moment.
But the way I feel now, after being allowed inside her and tasting her and feeling her wrapped around me, I know there’s no way—zero chance—that I’m going to not have her as mine. And what that means for us and how she reacts to that is yet to be determined.
I drag a finger down her arm. “Right now, things are great. We’re in an orgasm-induced bubble.”
“Yes, we are.”
“But we’re going to leave this room at some point. Probably when Dom calls and is on his way home with Ryder.”
Paige nods.
“And we need to be on the same page when that happens.”
She stills, picking up what I’m throwing down.
I take a deep, shaky breath and blow it out. It does nothing to slow my racing heart.
“I’m not asking you to marry me—”
“Good.” She says it so quickly that it catches her off guard too. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s fine. I’m not ready for that either. Obviously.” I shift my weight around. “But I am asking you what kind of box you’re going to put us in.”
She bites her lip. “I don’t know, Nate. I honestly didn’t expect this to happen. It’s not like I’ve been sitting around thinking about it.”
That’s what I was afraid of.
I eat the chip I’ve been holding forever to give myself a second to get my thoughts together. But it doesn’t take too long because I still feel the way I felt when we were in the living room—only more.
“We don’t have to call it forever,” I say, thinking back to what she’s told me before. “I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment over here. But I am saying that I want you. All of you. Especially now.”
She almost smiles.
“And I can’t see some other guy hitting on you or thinking you’re seeing someone on the side. I’m gonna worry about you when I’m not with you, and I’m going to need to make sure you’re safe. It’s just how I operate. I’m hardwired that way.”
She touches my hand. “I know that. I see you do that with the people you love every day. It’s one of the things I adore about you.”
I lean over and kiss her.
“If you don’t want that from me, I understand,” I say, reiterating what I told her earlier. “I won’t like it, but it’s your choice, and I respect that. I spent hours today thinking about us. Trying to get my head on straight. And the conclusion I came to was this, Paige. I adore you.”
She bites her lip and waits for me to continue.
“I have for a while now. I love our friendship, our flirting, even, it seems, our fighting. As long as it ends like it did today.” I smile.
“But if you’re not feeling it, seeing that there could be something here for us, tell me.
I’ll get you a room somewhere, and we’ll figure a work schedule out so we avoid each other, but I can’t be around you if you’re not mine. It will drive me insane.”
She stills. She doesn’t say a word.
My mind races, overanalyzing the situation. What does her posture mean? What is the look in her eyes telling me? Which way is she leaning?
“I won’t chase you,” I say. “I’m not going to be some creep who follows you around, and you can still call me if you’re in trouble. I’ll always be there for you like that. No matter what.”
She scrambles around until she’s sitting upright. A small smile touches her lips. It’s one I can’t read.
My heart thunders, beating so hard and so loud that I’m surprised I can’t hear it.
“Before I answer you, I want to have a conversation,” she says.
I sigh. “About what?”
“How many times a day can you do … that?”
What is she talking about? I open my mouth to ask her what she means when a slow smile stretches from ear to ear.
“Do you mean how many times a day can we have sex?” I ask her, my brows lifting to the ceiling.
“Yup.”
I chuckle as my ego expands. “As many as you want.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
She moves across the bed until she’s straddling me. The only thing between us is the thin fabric of my boxers. She pushes down against my cock, and my balls tighten immediately.
I grab her hips and hold her in place because if she moves, this conversation will probably be paused. Which is most likely what she wants.
Her head falls to the side, bringing all of her wild, unruly hair to her right shoulder. Her neck is exposed, and I want to bury my face in the bend and place kisses across her shoulder blade.
But I don’t.
Instead, I peer into her beautiful golden-brown eyes.
I’m done. I’m fucked. I’ve fallen for this girl. Am I in love with her? I don’t know. But do I ever want to lose her? No.
I can’t say that. I don’t trust her not to dart away.
“What about Ryder?” she asks.
“He likes you, and you’re already here. He knows we’re friends. Maybe we keep a lid on things in front of him for a while until we’re sure we’re a thing.”
Until you’re sure because I already know we are.
She bites her lip. “I don’t see how things have changed any from the other night.
You told me yourself—you want forever, and I’m running from it.
I mean, it’s a step in the right direction for me in that I picked you and not some asshole.
But I’m going to be honest. I’m not ready for some kind of long-term commitment.
And I have this habit of just kind of imploding things when I get scared, and thinking about forever scares the hell out of me.
It feels like a setup for failure. Like, just having this conversation with you has me thinking about what it would feel like for you to never want to see me again, and my heart is racing. ”
“That’s no way to live your life, Paige.”
“I know.”
She looks down and frowns.
My heart hurts for her. I hate that she feels this way and can’t just be happy in the moment.
I drop my hands to her thighs and give them a gentle squeeze. It causes her to look back at me.
“You know what else scares me?” she asks, her voice wavering.
“What’s that?”
“Not feeling this way again.”
Sweet girl. I squeeze her legs again. “What way, exactly? I want to know.”
“Safe. Relaxed. Wanted. Pretty.” She sighs. “Right now, I feel like … like I can rest. This feels like my little spot in the world, and everything will be okay if I can just stay right here.”
I take her hand and bring it to my mouth. That’s exactly how I want you to feel.
“You’ve made me feel that way since I met you, in a way,” she says. “I liked you immediately. I was drawn to you. It was so easy to talk to you and hang out in your office and tease you.”
I smile at the memories.
“And you always knew when something was wrong. Like the whole Atticus thing. You went after him without even really knowing what he did to me.”
“He’s lucky I didn’t know the whole story, or Atticus would have met a much different fate that night.”
She smiles. “I just …” She presses her lips together and closes her eyes. “You know what? I understand what you’re saying.”
“About what part, exactly?”
She opens her eyes. “There’s really only one choice here.”
“Are your communication skills only good when I’m performing some sort of sexual act on you?”
She giggles.
“Because I need an answer, and if that means I need to roll you over and finger-fuck you to get you to talk, then lie on your back, woman.”
She smacks my chest. “You’re right. There’s only one choice here, and that’s to try this.
To see what happens. The thought of walking away and not having this again or having to look for someone else to give me this—which would be stupid because here it is, right?
So if I know I’m going to want this kind of thing, why don’t I just stay here? ”
“Wow.”
“What?”
“You can really talk yourself in a circle, can’t you?” I furrow my brows. “Tell me in simple English. So I know you’re not just staying with me for sex.”
“No, Nate. It’s not just the sex. It’s the feeling of … safety that I don’t think I could replicate anywhere else or with anyone else. I’m choosing you.”
She lifts the hem of her shirt up one inch. Then another. A sexy smirk graces her lips. “And sex. I’m definitely choosing that too.”
I grab her hands just before she brings the shirt over her nipples because as soon as I see those, shit is going to go south. Fast.
“I want you,” she whispers. “Only you. And let’s see what happens.”
My spirits soar, and I flip her over onto the chip bag. She giggles as I smile at her.
“You want to see what happens?” I ask. “I’ll tell you what happens.”
“Honestly? I’m so sore.” She laughs, but the sound turns into a whimper. “I have to learn not to dish out more than I can take.”
I laugh at this sweet girl—at my sweet girl.