Chapter 1
Tessa
"We're really sorry again, Tess. We wish we could take you with us."
I hold on to the strap of my purse like a lifeline and shake my head. "I totally get it," I say way too cheerfully considering the pit that's growing in my stomach. "I wish you all the best."
Mia, my now former employer, leans in for yet another hug. I accept it, only hesitant to squeeze back because I'm afraid the pressure might be the final straw that breaks the dam currently building behind my eyes. "You too, sweetie. We'll send pictures."
The offer hits me coated in audacity rather than the thoughtfulness I'm sure was intended.
With that as my cue to get the hell out of there before my sadness quickly morphs into unjustified anger, I open the front door.
I step through the threshold of the completely renovated brownstone that I may miss almost as much as the family that lives in it and don't look back.
Bee-lining it for my car that's, of course, parked halfway around the world, I pick up speed.
With my fingers still white-knuckling the strap across my chest, I take deep breaths through my nose and blow them slowly from my lips. My chest burns as the spots beneath my arms heat from clenching my elbows so tightly to my ribs I'm afraid they might cave in.
I know the Randolphs can't control the fact that Mr. Randolph is being moved for work. I understand that Mrs. Randolph quit her job cold-turkey now that she won't have to show up to that stuffy office anymore two weeks from now. But it would've been nice to have a little notice.
I've been with them—Tripp and Tala—for over a year now.
We were all so comfortable with each other, and Tripp had finally started calling me Teth—ironically still better than how he was pronouncing it before.
Thank God he finally got that whole M and T thing figured out.
But now, they're leaving Golden City, and I’m left with no job.
Finally reaching my white Chevy Malibu, I throw the door open and plop myself inside.
I sink into the seat cushion as I drop my forehead to the steering wheel, opening my mouth as wide as I can to silent-scream into the night.
When at least the edge is off, I sit back, my head crashing into the headrest behind me.
Then the quiet tears start.
I'm gonna miss them so much. I'm gonna miss our mornings together where Tala helped me pour the milk into her cereal, even though she completely missed the bowl each time.
I'm gonna miss dropping the two of them off at gymnastics only to watch the instructor dodge Tripp rolling around on the mat for the next forty-five minutes.
And I'm going to miss the way Mrs. Randolph would end each evening calling out to me from the kitchen as I walked out the door.
Thanks again, Tess! I don't know what we would do without you!
She didn't say that this time.
I guess that's because we're all about to find out.
A buzz from my phone pulls me back. I glance down at the screen to see my sibling group chat name sprawled across it—W.W.T.D. With a roll of my eyes, I throw the device onto the passenger seat. I can't deal with that right now.
I attempt to start my car, groaning as I swat at the button and miss the first three times.
On the fourth try, I jam my pointer finger into it so hard, the tip bends backward and only adds to the pain growing in my chest. I pull out of my spot, the idea of driving to Trevor's only deepening the ache.
I coast onto the next street and immediately go into problem-solving mode, wondering if my boss from the restaurant would take me back. Our two best servers quit right before me. Maybe I could offer to help him out if he gave me back some day shifts until I found something else.
I have plenty saved to cover rent in the meantime considering I only have half to pay now—maybe the silver lining here is that moving in with Trevor might be a good idea after all…
But I'm not one to sit still.
And what if he thinks I planned this?
I shake the thought, pushing away a whole other truth I'm not willing to admit, and without realizing, I fly through a yellow light. My heart rate increases as I throw my head over each shoulder. You do not run lights in Golden City. Especially at night.
I slow my pace, my lids slinking shut for just a second as I attempt to clear my mind and the saliva that's built underneath my tongue. My grip on the wheel relaxes as I open my eyes and let my shoulders fall from my ears.
I exhale heavily, feeling every ounce of weight from the last twenty minutes settle onto my chest. "It's fine, Tess," I reassure myself. "Just re—oh my God!"
I slam on my brakes as a blur of a man darts in front of my car. "What are you doing?" I yell out of the crack in my window, my frustration from the entire night evident in my tone.
I can't see much thanks to the lack of lights on this side street and the remnants of tears still slightly blurring my vision. But what I can make out clearly is the middle finger the man with a death wish throws at me without looking back as he continues sprinting down the street.
My mouth drops open as I struggle to respond, a strange sense of déjà vu washing over me. But as the dark outline of an ignorant man—somehow familiar but rude all the same—fades into the distance, frustration over everything wins out.
"Fuck you too!" I scream, leaning toward the driver's side window. The words cut through the silence of the night. He's too far away already to even hear my response.
But I don't really care.
It wasn't really meant for him anyway.
"Hey," I sigh, dropping my purse onto the kitchen counter.
Trevor glances up from his phone briefly and paints a weak smile. "What's up, babe? How were the kids?"
I sniffle, wiping underneath my eyes. "They were fine," I answer before turning around and leaning on the marble. I blow a breath between my lips. "But they're moving."
He nods without looking up, one foot wiggling back and forth as it rests on top of the other on the coffee table. "Oh, yeah?"
I turn, pulling one arm over my chest and lifting the other to rub my forehead. "Yep."
"Where to?" I watch as he squints, staring at the screen.
"Washington."
He finally lowers his arms and brings his eyes to mine. "D.C.?"
I shake my head. "State." Raising both fists into the air, I smirk sarcastically. "Go Titans."
Trevor holds my gaze, clearly only half present. I wait patiently for his reaction—anger, sadness, sarcasm, anything. Just when I think he may curse their name, mourn my loss, or dare I say, run to my defense, he curls the corner of his upper lip. "That sucks, babe."
That quick his focus is back on the screen.
I turn around, bracing both hands on the counter again, and hang my head between my shoulders.
I heave a heavy sigh, and to my surprise, I hear footsteps behind me.
Trevor wraps his arms around my waist. "Don't worry, Tess.
I can cover the rent. You'll find something else. "
I spin around, placing my palms on his shoulders. "It's not about either of those things. I just—I liked the Randolphs. We had a good routine. And they always kept those yogurts I like stocked in the fridge."
"What yogurts?" he asks, honing in on that one thing.
"You know, the big ones with the real fruit chunks.
" His only reaction is his forehead creasing.
"They have the white label with the black writing and the little lemons on the front.
" He frowns, shrugging, and I shake my head.
"Never mind. That's not the point. I'm just sick of starting over.
I want to find a family that I love and that loves me back…
that I can stay with long term like I had before. "
Trevor reaches up and tucks a loose hair behind my ear. "I know, babe. I get that."
I groan and nuzzle my head into his collarbone.
"If it makes you feel any better…"
Popping back up, I look at him expectedly.
"Now you can go on that work trip with me in a few weekends."
My head lolls backward. "And entertain your boss's wife while you schmooze?"
He winks and grins smugly. "Pretty much."
I fake a smile. "Yay," I say dryly.
Trevor pulls me back into his chest as it rumbles from his laughter. "It'll be great."
My eyes sink shut, savoring the fact that he can't see the tears that slowly form behind them.
He doesn't get it. Or he does, but it just doesn't mean to him what it does to me.
Nothing has fulfilled me like working one on one with families has.
Not teaching in a classroom and definitely not serving at The Gilded Pub.
So, every time this happens—whether the child goes off to school or a grandparent retires…
or a family moves away—it's a much bigger loss than a paycheck.
My phone buzzes from the counter, and I blink away the tears before they fall. Pulling back from Trevor, I glance down at the lit-up screen. "I should probably get that. It's my siblings."
"Sure, babe," he says, immediately stepping away. "The Gators and the Flames both play tonight so…"
He moves back toward the couch, and I ignore his comment, reaching for my phone instead.
W.W.T.D.
Owen
Does that picture of me on Facebook in the salmon shirt say single and ready to settle down?
Margot
Uh, yeah, kind of.
Owen
Shit, never mind.
Jo
What's it for?
Owen
My dating profile. How about the one from The Pub?
Jo
The one with that girl draped over your shoulder? Because that one makes you look single for a reason.
Owen
Perfect. Tess?
Margot
O, you are an astounding human being.
Jo
Margot graduates college, and now she's a walking thesaurus.
Owen
Tess? Weigh in?
Jo
She's probably busy with the boyfriend.
Margot
Trent? Troy?
Jo
Doesn't matter. She keeps him a secret. All I know is she's living with him now.
Margot
Oh, that's right.
Owen
TESSA!
Grant
Why are we yelling?
Jo
Oh my God, Grant, scroll up.
Owen
I'm gonna call her…
When I reach the last message, I pinch the bridge of my nose, mustering the last bit of patience I have for the night.
No need to call. Owen, they're both terrible. Use the one from New Year's last year. It's Trevor, Margot, and you never see him because you all moved away or are too busy. That includes you, Jo, so I don't want to hear it.
And hi, Grant. As always… it's nice to know you're still alive.
Jo
You're forgiven.
Margot
I guess.
And for the hundredth time… I did not move in with him. Not exactly.
Jo
Yeah, but he thinks you did.
Grant
#ILoveCollege
Owen
Thanks, Tess. What would we do without you?
Ignoring Jo, I smile weakly. It isn't much, but it's something. My siblings are exhausting, but I can always count on them to make me laugh. It may be from chaos alone or some familial form of delusion, but it's constant and dependable.
Love you guys.
"Ah, come on!" Trevor yells from the couch, his eyes glued to the TV screen. He sits at the edge of the cushion and turns the volume up so I can barely hear the pounding in my head.
I sigh, deciding the best way to get through tonight is to avoid it altogether. "I'm gonna head to bed," I call over the announcer's voice blasting from the surround sound speaker.
"Sounds good, babe!" Trev calls back without tearing his gaze away from the game.
I grab my phone and head into his bedroom—our bedroom?—shutting the door behind me. Plopping down on the mattress, I check the chat one more time. When there's nothing new, I silence my phone, wishing more than anything that I could do the same to the sound roaring from the living room.
And to the noise inside my head.