Chapter 18
Liam
Where are you guys?
Tessa Hastings
I let Ruthie pick. I'll give you one guess.
"Hey, good game, man." Mack slaps me on the shoulder as I step off the bus.
I wince, hanging onto the straps of my backpack. "The Oilers came strong, I'll give them that."
Mack shakes his head, and I step aside to let Ruiz step off. "If you ask me, we should've had 'em."
The game runs through my mind, and he's probably right, but I shrug anyway, my body too beat to do much more. "Eh, tomorrow's another day."
My response earns a surprised look from my can-never-hide-what-he's-feeling infield coach. "Well, would you look at that? Sunshine's back, is he?"
I bark out a laugh, rolling my eyes. “You’re losing it, Gramps.” I glance at my phone. “He never left.”
Now it's Mack's turn to look toward the sky. "Tell that to your face—I've seen your frown more in these past few weeks than I did in the last decade."
His words rush through me, only deepening the ache in my muscles, and I exhale. He's right.
I run my tongue over my top teeth and stare down at my sneakers. "I know," I say simply. "But I'm feeling better now. Working my way back."
These last few days, I’ve been trying—actually trying—to pull myself out of the fog.
Somewhere along the way, I got so scared of things ending that I forgot to enjoy them while they were still happening.
I know the fear will come in waves—big feelings always do—but I’m trying to be the guy I usually am when I’m not spiraling about how this time next year I’ll have a teenager and no baseball at all.
The happy-go-lucky, grateful guy who doesn't let the bad stick long.
And who doesn't let the fear of something ending—or someone leaving—ruin the good he still has.
"Well," Mack says, squeezing my shoulder. "I'm glad you're back."
"Yeah," I chuckle, my voice tired. "There's only room for one crotchety old man on this team."
He shoots me a glare, and I clap him on the back. "I'll see ya later."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he grumbles as I head toward the hotel.
I enter through the sliding doors, the fluorescent lighting like a shock to the system.
It's times like these—in that post-travel, post-game recovery—when reality hits.
The realization that I'm not the same twenty-something that I used to be.
Despite all I still bring to the table, there's a certain level of honesty that added years bring.
Muscles I once took for granted now ache after nine innings.
A body that used to recover with an ice bath and a handful of beers now begs for sleep.
It's all part of the process—of growing old. Of retirement. And it's all part of the temptation to fall back into that darkness that the change and fear of the future bring.
Cutting through the lobby, I head down the long side hallway.
With each door that I pass—the banquet hall, the meeting rooms, the gym—my weariness fades, leaving in its place a cocktail of anticipation and nerves.
I can't wait to see Ruthie. I'm thrilled to sit down and relax for the night before I have to get up again and do it all again tomorrow.
But I'm also seeing her.
Having Tessa in the stands hit differently than I expected. I knew I'd be happy to have Ruthie there again considering it's been a handful of games since she's been able to come watch. But something about seeing Tessa next to her… rattled me.
All of Ruthie's nannies have seen me play.
It's part of their job—to bring Ruthie to games and look out for her while she's there. And yet, seeing Tess today filled me with a kind of nervous energy I haven’t felt in years.
A good anxiety—the kind that wakes you up, keeps you on your toes…
makes you feel alive. An energy that made me want to show off. To impress.
I didn’t realize how much I missed that feeling.
But now I want to feel it again.
And that's the problem.
When I first saw her Gators player shirt, the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up.
My stomach lurched at the thought of her wearing someone else's name on her back.
I felt primal, possessive, green with an envy the same color as the cotton she was wearing.
It took everything in me not to crawl up in those stands and rip it off, which is generally frowned upon in most Major League stadiums.
When she turned around, and I saw it was blank—empty, clean of anyone's name, including my own—it hit me.
It doesn't matter that she's awakened something in me I thought was gone.
That she's made it so curiosity and intrigue have replaced repression for the first time in… I don't even know how long.
Tessa is my Ruthie’s nanny—one she loves and that I've struggled to find.
And worse than that… she's taken.
I was trying to change my attitude for Ruthie's sake anyway, not mine.
I'm not even sure I'm ready to pursue someone at all let alone a woman in a relationship, even if the person that they're with doesn't seem to deserve them—or is selfish and arrogant and, quite frankly, annoying as hell.
Tess is with Trevor and whether or not I agree isn't my business.
At the end of the day, she's unavailable to me.
For more reasons than one.
With that in mind, I slow down before I reach the floor-to-ceiling windows that are just around the corner, bound to lead me right to her.
I peek around, looking into the pool room.
It's darker than you'd expect thanks to the three glass walls that look out into the night—faint flickers of fireflies from the hotel garden are the only lights streaming in from outside.
But the LEDs that run the perimeter of the pool cast a sky blue glow over the water.
I spot Ruthie first, the only one swimming, her hair flipped back George Washington-style.
I instantly smile, watching as she dips under, emerging with her hair sailing backward like a mermaid.
Laughing, I cross my arms over my chest and savor the moment where, in my mind, she's little again, splashing and sloshing around.
She dives and swims across the pool, and as I follow her path, I get lost in the memory.
Until my eyes land on Tessa.
She's sitting on the edge with her feet in the water, wearing a thin white cover up with her hair down for the first time ever.
It's damp still, tossed at the roots and slinging over one shoulder, falling gracefully in tousled waves.
And for the second time today, I'm not thrown by what she's wearing, but my reaction to it.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, I head in, and the heat wraps around me like a warm blanket, immediately coaxing the ache from my legs.
I soak it in, allowing it to relax both my body and mind.
So I find Tessa attractive, she's great with my kid, and for some reason she makes me feel things I wasn't sure I was even capable of, let alone interested in.
It doesn't matter. She has a boyfriend, and that's not a bad thing.
It's the perfect silver lining.
"There she is," I say, walking toward Ruthie as she comes up for air after her very shaky handstand.
"Dad!" she cries, wiping water from her eyes.
"Couldn't even wait for me, could ya?" I ask, sliding out of my shoes and slipping off my socks. I tuck them into my sneakers and fold up the bottom of my warm-up pants.
She giggles, and I look at Tess for the first time up close.
"Hi." My voice comes out softer than I intended, my throat tight as I sit beside her, sinking my feet into the luke-warm water.
She smiles, shyly tucking her hair behind her ear, and I give myself a split second of lingering on the way her locks frame her face before I pull my gaze away.
"Good game today," Ruthie says, bobbing. "How much were the Oilers paying that ump, huh?" She scoffs. "Your first three at-bats were solid, but I have notes on the last one."
I arch my brow, glancing over at Tessa who's smothering a laugh.
"Oh! And I made two new best friends. Can we invite them to my birthday party?"
I attempt to hide the fact that in the midst of everything, I have roughly nothing planned for said party and ruffle her hair. "We can talk about it tomorrow," I say, too physically and emotionally exhausted to talk about cupcakes and PG-13 movies right now.
I settle beside Tessa, grateful for the temperature in the room soothing my muscles and my nerves. "Best friends, huh?"
She laughs, tucking her hands under her thighs. "She could tell you everything from their first names to what their dads do for work, but I'm pretty sure we didn't get phone numbers, so you might be safe from the extra invites."
I blow out a heavy breath. "I actually have to get on that.
I sent the invitations out but only got maybe half of them back, and of course, I have nothing planned.
Last year we went to the movies—no talking, everyone sitting in one place—it was perfect.
This year she wants a real friend sleepover, whatever that means. And I have no idea what I'm doing."
Tess grins as Ruthie does what feels like her thousandth front flip under the water.
"Don't overthink it. Preteen girls aren't as complicated as we make them out to be.
Buy some junk food and a few face masks.
Get the sheets, not the clay—way less mess.
And play whatever it is the kids are listening to these days on that karaoke machine you guys have.
They'll love it. Throw on a movie with one of the Marvel guys in it, and wear ear plugs… the good kind."
I stare at her, mouth gaping.
"Two younger sisters, remember? Plus I was one so… "
"I need you," I blurt, the words tumbling out—and not at all how I meant them. Tess's eyes flick to mine—too fast. She huffs out a breath, swallowing hard as she finds Ruthie floating in the deep end.
"For the uh, party," I add quickly. "If you're free next Saturday?"
"Oh," she pauses, thinking. "Brooke's having a housewarming, but… " Her voice trails off as her gaze falls to the water. She shakes her head and inhales deeply. "But I've seen her new place already. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I missed it."
"Oh, you don't have to—"
"I know." She paints a smile. "But it's for Ruthie."
That part of me I'm trying to keep locked away lights up again.
"You were great today," she says. "God, it was so cool. It's like I know a celebrity."
A genuine laugh rips out of me. "Something like that."
I never really see it that way. Since moving especially, we've been able to cut back on the unwanted paparazzi and overzealous fans. But short of protecting Ruthie from the limelight as much as humanly possible, the life I live isn't very celebrity at all.
"Hey, Tess…" I say like I'm testing the words.
She tilts her head in response.
"I'm sorry about… well—for being sort of… standoffish. Hesitant maybe. I'm, uh, not normally so hot and cold like I've been." I rake my hand down the back of my neck and blow out a breath. "Just a lot going on, I guess. But that's not your fault. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
She holds my gaze, and for a second I regret bringing it up at all.
"You stealing apologies now, Two-Three?"
I ignore the way my pulse quickens when she says the nickname she must have heard from the stands and laugh before my expression settles again. "I'm serious, Tessa. I want you to be comfortable—here, at home, with Ruthie." With me.
She gives me a shallow nod, her eyes twinkling with the glow of the lights. "Thanks, Liam."
If I thought hearing my nickname flow from her mouth increased my heart rate, my actual name falling from her lips threatens to stop it altogether. We both smile, our gazes dropping away from each other.
"Dad, can we go back to the room?" Ruthie calls from the other side of the pool. I turn just in time to catch her yawn, her eyes red from either exhaustion or chlorine.
I look at her, shocked. "Are you telling me you're done with your favorite part of the hotel already?"
Tess leans in, her sweet scent enveloping me. "Sugar crash," she whispers.
I peer over at her with every intention of questioning why with just one look, but I realize she hasn't pulled away. She's still close—only inches from me—her face illuminated in a blue glow that might as well be a warning sign.
My whole body stills.
"I, uh…"
"Sorry," she says, wincing and pulling back. "I know I can't do it every time, but it was our first game together and—"
"No," I say gently. "It's fine." I gesture toward the pool "It seems like she had a great day."
"She did." The corners of her mouth tug upward. "So did I."
I pinch my lips together and nod, grinning back as I inhale a much needed breath.
"Dad?" Ruthie rubs her eyes.
"Oh, right." I glance at Tess who's already watching me, then back at my daughter.
"I was hoping to stay for a little while actually. This thing's like a full-body heating pad." I crack my neck side-to-side. "And I need it," I admit.
"I can take her up." Tess pops up, her cover-up clinging to her suit underneath just enough to rock me again. I try not to overthink the fact that she literally sprang from her seat to get away from me and grin.
"Are you sure?" I peer down at the water, the ripples in front of me mirroring the fluctuation of my heart beat. "I won't be long. You can hang in my room until I get back."
"Yeah, of course. As long as that's okay with Ruthie?"
We both find her climbing out of the pool, and she nods sleepily. Tess grabs a towel from the lounge chair, wrapping her in it.
"I'll tuck you in when I get back, Roo, okay?" Tessa rubs her arms, warming her.
"Okay," she yawns. "Love you, Dad."
"Love you too." I stand up as she shuffles away and start unzipping my jacket.
"Text me if you need anything," Tessa says as they head for the door.
She's nonchalant, and still, my fingers freeze around the metal zipper as I catch her reflection in the glass. "I will."
Ruthie leans into the door, pushing it open, and Tess trails behind her.
"Tessa," I hear myself call with no idea why.
She looks back, her brows lifted.
"Thanks," I manage.
Her forehead creases. "For what?"
For still being here.
For taking care of my little girl.
For helping me find pieces of myself I thought were gone.
I shake my head and shrug one shoulder. "Just… for everything."