Chapter Twenty-Two
Erin stood, frozen to the spot, her heart pounding in her chest. Adam wasn’t trying to shirk his responsibilities.
He was scared. He was frightened of this huge change and of messing up when the stakes were so high.
He cared about getting it right with his son, and he was right, she’d been so blinkered by her own experiences that she’d blocked him when he reached out for help.
As if jolted awake by an electric shock, she sprang towards the door and wrenched it open.
‘Adam,’ she yelled. She ran to the end of Brigade Street and looked left and right along the parade, but he wasn’t there.
Directly ahead, a tall figure was marching across the heath.
All Saints was lit up to the right, its walls illuminated like a beacon in the gloom.
She rushed across the road and yelled again, ‘Adam, stop.’ The figure turned.
Through the drizzle and half-light, she could see his shoulders curled inwards.
What an idiot she’d been. ‘Wait.’ She ran across the uneven grass towards him. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be,’ he said. ‘Forget it.’
A raindrop landed on her eyelashes. She blinked it away. ‘I don’t want to forget it. I feel like I wilfully misunderstood what you were trying to tell me.’
His lips lifted a fraction. ‘It did feel like that, actually.’
She stared at her feet. Mud clung to the sides of her white trainers. ‘I have a particular dislike of commitment-phobes.’
‘I get that … and I might have been guilty of that in the past, but that’s not what this is.’
‘I understand that now.’ Water seeped through her shirt onto her skin, making her shiver. ‘Come back to the café. Let’s talk.’ Adam hesitated. ‘Please.’ She put her hand on the slippery leather of his sleeve. He nodded and, to her relief, followed when she turned to walk back to The Bookmark.
Erin kicked her wet shoes off at the door and Adam did the same. The wooden floor was cold through her damp socks as she went through to the kitchen. She unhooked the tea towel from the oven door and offered it to Adam. ‘You need that more than I do,’ he said.
He wasn’t wrong, her white shirt was soaked through and when she glanced down, she was mortified to see the lace of her bra was clearly visible.
She turned around and patted at the cotton, then pulled it away from her skin, cursing herself for changing out of her polo shirt before book group.
‘I’m going to put something dry on,’ she said, grabbing her tote from where it hung on the peg.
‘Don’t go anywhere.’ She rushed to the ladies and changed quickly back into the creased polo shirt.
Adam was sitting in an armchair scrolling through his phone when she came out. ‘Fancy a cuppa?’
‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’ He lifted his phone. ‘Want to see a picture of Oliver?’
This was more than she deserved. She took the seat next to him and looked at the photograph of a young man on the screen. He had broad shoulders, and soft grey eyes. ‘I’m not sure you needed that DNA test,’ she said. ‘He’s your double.’
‘He’s the spit of my dad when he was his age,’ Adam said, his voice wavering. ‘The Darling genes are strong, apparently.’
Erin thought again about how much Jack looked like Andrew. At least his personality came down her line. She knew him so intimately, and Adam had only just heard his twenty-six-year-old son’s name. It was beyond her comprehension. ‘How does that make you feel?’
Adam stared at the screen until it went dark. He swallowed and Erin could feel the emotion he was trying to manage. ‘Weird.’
‘Come on. You work with words; you can do better than that.’ She spoke softly, aware she had some making up to do.
He gave her a wry smile. ‘I feel the inexorable march of multitudinous, labyrinthine, and discordant emotions. That better?’
A laugh spurted from her. ‘Now I don’t know what you’re on about. Tell me what they are, these discordant emotions.’
‘There’s the fear, but I feel like we’ve covered that.’ He scratched under his chin and Erin realized she liked this familiar tick of his. It felt very him. ‘It’s not the most masculine thing in the world, is it?’
‘Pah,’ she said. ‘Societal gender norms are so last century.’ He cocked an eyebrow, and she grinned. ‘I got that from Jack.’
‘Nice.’ His smile dimmed and he sighed. ‘Regret’s definitely one.
Apart from the obvious, not seeing him grow up, I regret not providing my parents with a family, especially now I know there might have been a possibility of that, if I’d known about Oliver.
’ He traced the grain on the tabletop with his fingernail.
‘I was in Sumatra covering the tsunami when my dad died. I hadn’t been home for over a year.
I kept putting it off, thinking there was plenty of time.
He wasn’t that old, so when a pulmonary embolism killed him out of the blue it was a real shock.
I beat myself up over it for years, and I’ve tried to do better, visiting Mum, but she’s in a care home now, and she’s got dementia, so I’m not sure how much she takes in when I’m there.
’ He brought the phone screen back to life and the young man grinned back at them.
‘She would have loved being a granny.’ He glanced at Erin with sad eyes.
‘I always felt bad for not giving her that chance, and now I feel worse because it could have happened.’
‘I understand that, but it wasn’t your fault it didn’t. And I’m sure she’s proud of the life you made for yourself.’ Erin hesitated then said, ‘I googled you.’
Adam glanced up, a smile lifting one side of his mouth. ‘Did you now?’
‘Just once.’ That wasn’t true. She’d kept going back until she’d read most of what came up in the search, but she wasn’t about to admit that now. ‘I bet your parents were bursting with pride.’
‘I hope so. I kept telling myself you can’t live your life for someone else. But now I feel like I’ve needlessly denied Mum all that potential joy.’
‘If you didn’t know …’
He huffed out a breath. ‘I could have contacted Lucy, Oliver’s mum. I could have checked in on her.’
‘Do you usually check in on people you’ve had relationships with?’
His nose creased. ‘I don’t have relationships, really.
Not long-term ones anyway. I’ve always been a bit of a free spirit.
Lucy would have known that. I didn’t exactly keep it a secret.
I was the bloke with the motorbike and a backpack, always off on a new adventure.
I was a bit of a cliché, back then, now I think about it.
’ He barked a short laugh. ‘I’m just an older version of that now, aren’t I?
’ He ran a finger over the moisture that lingered on the sleeve of his jacket.
Erin was glad when he didn’t look up, expecting her to confirm or deny, because she could see what he was saying, but that didn’t mean she didn’t find it attractive.
She did, even though it was the opposite of what she thought she wanted for herself.
Perhaps that was why. They say opposites attract.
‘I imagine that’s why she never tried to tell me she was pregnant.’ He shook his head. ‘She probably thought I wouldn’t step up.’
‘And would you have?’ She was invested in his answer.
‘I like to think so, but …’ He raised his shoulders. ‘We’ll never know.’
She’d wanted him to be more definite, but quickly realized his truthful answer was better. The world wasn’t full of absolutes, much as she wished it was. It was full of flawed people doing the best they could. ‘And what’s stopping you now?’
‘It’s such a huge thing. At the moment I’m just a name and a set of DNA.
We’ve talked on the phone a couple of times, and he seems like a great lad …
but it’s not him I’m worried about. What if I’m a disappointment?
What if I am nothing more than a cliché?
What if he invests in me and I let him down?
I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a dad.
I haven’t got a great track record for putting the time and effort into relationships. ’
‘But you can make a choice to do this right.’
‘How, though? I decided to put down roots here in Blackheath, but I still couldn’t bring myself to buy a place. I’m a coward. I rented because in the back of my mind I know I want the option to move.’
A wave of sadness passed through Erin. Maybe Oliver would be better off not expecting anything from this man. Maybe she would too. ‘Well, you know yourself better than anyone else.’
He stared deep into her eyes. ‘But I’ve surprised myself recently. I haven’t got itchy feet at all.’
‘At all?’
He moved his head side to side. ‘Not even slightly.’
‘Then maybe you can make relationships work, if you put your mind to it.’ She kept her gaze locked on his.
‘I’d like to. Change is hard, but I’m thinking it might well be worth it.’
‘Change is hard,’ said Erin, slowly. ‘And scary. But if you do decide to be part of Oliver’s life, you can make a conscious decision not to let him down.
And relationships work two ways. If both of you want the same thing, then you’ll find a way to make it work.
’ As a flame lit in her core, she knew she wasn’t only talking about Adam’s relationship with his son.
And by the intensity in his eyes, Adam knew it too.