Chapter Twenty-Four #2
‘I get that. What people think of us matters, doesn’t it?
I mean, parental approval is one thing, but it’s not just that.
When new patients come into my treatment room, I know they make an immediate assessment about whether they can trust me or not.
That’s partly why I dress like this.’ She gestured to her beautiful outfit.
‘I feel as though looking like I’m put together is important for my job. ’
Erin listened in fascination. She’d always presumed Hafsa just was put together. She thought life came easily to her because that’s the impression she gave off. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. I mean, I like fashion and love nice clothes, but I always make sure my outfits match, that they fit well, and my make-up’s perfect.
When people come to see me, they’re already in a vulnerable position.
They’re generally worried about something and they hope I can fix it, or at least refer them to someone who can.
I decided they’ll feel safer with someone who appears to be on top of their life than they would with someone with a crumpled shirt and food on their chin.
But it’s all a mask, isn’t it – a conscious decision?
I’m trying to be perceived in a certain way.
This exercise has made me think about that too.
What does it matter what I look like as long as I can do the job? ’
‘I’d never considered any of that.’ Erin felt like she was getting a peek behind the scenes of Hafsa’s life, and it surprised her.
‘It’s probably me overthinking it.’ Hafsa leaned in.
‘Amir thinks it’s post-rationalisation. He says I’ve made my theory up about people feeling safer to justify shopping for new clothes, and he might be right.
The brain is a clever thing, isn’t it? It will serve up thoughts to make us believe what works for us, even when there are convincing arguments to the contrary.
The stories we tell ourselves make us feel safe, don’t they?
That’s why we believe them. That’s why we cling on to them so tightly. ’
That was a new concept to Erin, but it made perfect sense.
She chewed it over as Hafsa continued to speak, wondering what thoughts her brain was serving her to make her beliefs stick.
Knowing the inside of her head, it wouldn’t be anything good.
She only seemed able to hold on to thoughts with peril attached.
‘I mean, rationally I know someone’s professional competence has absolutely nothing to do with their outfit.
And we’re all different, aren’t we? If Zahra was judged and dismissed on what she likes to wear, then no one would ever get to know how extraordinary her brain is.
She’ll only ever wear black or grey T-shirts and jeans when she’s not at school, but that’s irrelevant to the fact she’s one of the most brilliant mathematicians I’ve ever met. And she’s only thirteen.’
Pride radiated from Hafsa. ‘I dismantled my own argument there, didn’t I?
’ She laughed. ‘It’s turmoil inside here at the moment.
’ She hit her temple with the flat of her hand.
‘I think my point was that I’ve learned a lot from being Zahra’s mum.
She genuinely wouldn’t understand why I care what other people think of me.
It wouldn’t cross her mind to dress for anything but practicality and comfort.
And in future, I don’t think she’ll make choices based upon what Amir and I want for her because that wouldn’t be logical to her when she’s the one who has to live her life.
Maybe I should take a leaf out of her book and stop thinking about other people’s expectations of me. ’
‘That all makes so much sense. I think my brain might need a bit of Zahra-ing too.’ Erin’s worries about the café were on the tip of her tongue, but she clamped her mouth closed.
She reminded herself that Hafsa had concerns enough of her own.
It wouldn’t be fair or kind to burden her with Erin’s too, not before she’d come up with a more tangible plan. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’
Hafsa smiled. ‘That’s such an Erin question.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes, you’re always a good sounding board.
’ She touched the back of Erin’s hand. ‘Thank you for always being there. Not many people listen without judgement, and I know how hard it is not to try to fix things. I appreciate it. I think I just needed to get the thoughts straight in my head. Talking to you has helped, thank you.’
Erin didn’t deserve the praise. She’d judged Adam unfairly without knowing the full story and she’d even had an agenda when this conversation started.
She’d wanted Hafsa to be a rebel to make things easier for her and she felt terrible about that now.
‘Any time. Any time at all. Are you coming to Joe’s birthday party tomorrow? ’
‘Yes,’ said Hafsa. ‘Wouldn’t miss it.’
There was no way of getting out of doing those bloody pages, but she could at least delay it until she’d solved her more pressing issue.
‘All the others will be there, so why don’t we ask for an extension on our assignments?
If we can shift it back by a couple of weeks, maybe we’ll have a better idea of where we’re heading? ’
Hafsa’s brown eyes were hopeful. ‘I’ve never asked for an extension before.’ She bit her lip. ‘This is already a whole new experience for me.’ She shimmied her shoulders. ‘I feel like a badass. I might take up smoking and snogging inappropriate boys behind the bike shed.’
‘I think Amir might have something to say about that,’ said Erin, delighted to see the light back in Hafsa’s dark eyes.
‘Yeah. Maybe I’ll stick to ordering a coffee in the afternoon. That’s a big enough risk for me. I never usually have caffeine after twelve.’
‘I could make you a decaf?’ said Erin, standing.
Hafsa laughed. ‘Yeah, make it a decaf. Let’s not go too wild.’