Chapter Thirty-One
Erin meant to bring up what Jack had disclosed with Riley before the next book group.
She must be worried about her job, and on top of everything else going on in her life, it wasn’t ideal timing.
But despite Jack’s reassurances that his night with Riley wasn’t a big deal, she felt like Riley was avoiding her, always finding an excuse to leave the kitchen if they were in there together, and moving to wipe down tables at the other side of the room that looked suspiciously clean, whenever Erin got close.
When she left quickly at the end of her shift on Wednesday and only returned when book group was due to begin and the others were all seated, Erin was sure that either she had an issue with Jack or with her, and she wished she’d tried harder to have a conversation when it was just the two of them.
When they were all settled, Erin tried to formulate the words to share her plans for the café when Susan blurted, ‘I’ve finished my pages.
’ The words came out loud and rushed, like water released from a dam.
She brought a notebook with a black and white leopard on the cover out of her bag and placed it on her knee.
‘It’s probably very badly written, but it’s done, and I can’t tell you how helpful it was.
I feel like a new woman since starting this exercise. ’
‘Well done,’ said Mercy. ‘I know what you mean. I feel like I’ve been injected with a shot of adrenaline every morning, now I have things to look forward to.’
‘That’s so cool,’ said Riley. ‘I fucking love this for you guys.’ The energy had returned to her voice and Erin relaxed a little.
‘How do you feel about reading it out, Susan?’ said Adam. He sat in his usual chair, his leather jacket slung over the back, a cup of black coffee on the table beside him. ‘I’d love to hear what you’ve written.’
Susan ran her fingers over the notebook. ‘Nervous,’ she said. ‘But I’ve been trying to gear myself up to it all day.’
‘You’re a brave and brilliant woman,’ said Joe. ‘Come on, let’s hear it.’
Susan shifted in her chair. ‘I don’t even know if I’ve done it right.’
‘There’s no right or wrong when you’re doing something creative,’ said Riley.
‘And what Joe said is true. It’s very brave to bring your work here, and we all appreciate you starting us off, don’t we?
’ She viewed the group and they nodded their agreement.
Erin wasn’t proud to feel relieved Susan’s last pages would delay her having to share the disastrous nature of her current situation.
‘Okay, then. Here goes.’ Susan opened the notebook and started to read.
‘Motherhood changed me.’ She glanced up.
Erin focused on her, hoping to convey positive vibes.
Susan dropped her gaze back to the page.
‘I know it sounds strange, but I feel like all my senses had been transferred to my baby girl. What I mean is, I can see now that, soon after she was born, I started to see things through her eyes. When she stared up from her pram at the leaves on a tree fluttering in the breeze, I did too, and I saw those leaves afresh, their greenness, the carefree way they moved in the wind. Things I had grown accustomed to became new again, and I noticed the beauty of the world for the first time in years. It was like an extra gift, the cherry on top of the cake of becoming a mother. When I was teaching her to speak, it was as if I heard the way vowels and consonants merged together to create words for the first time, and then when she began to dance, I felt the beats of the music through her movements.’ She raised her eyes from the page, her lips pinched tight.
‘See, I’ve done it wrong. It’s meant to be about the future, but I’ve written about the past first.’
‘It’s context,’ said Erin. ‘That’s totally relevant.’
‘The future is always moulded by the past,’ said Joe.
‘Yep. Where you come from will always inform where you’re going,’ said Adam. ‘You’re not doing it wrong. This is lovely. Go on.’ He gestured to her notebook and Erin was moved by his kindness.
Susan took a breath before carrying on, reading a little more slowly.
‘I’ve always had a keen sense of smell. I think I’m more sensitive to smells than most people, but even the way I experienced scents changed after I had Bella.
What smelled good to me became irrelevant.
Bella didn’t like the taste or smell of overripe bananas.
She loved strawberry shampoo, but not coconut.
As time went on, I chose to cook food according to my daughter’s tastes, because life was easier that way, and isn’t that what mothers do? ’
Erin smiled encouragingly as Susan glanced around the group before turning to the next page.
‘I was happy to hand over my senses. I derived an enormous amount of joy from experiencing the world through Bella’s eyes, but I think I might have made a mistake in giving myself over to someone else so completely, even if it was my own child.
Because children don’t remain children forever.
The kisses that used to leave your face wet and sticky, are all too soon bestowed elsewhere.
The hands that used to reach up to hold yours are eventually filled with phones, or someone else’s fingers, and your hands are empty.
Your home is empty, and if you are not careful, your life will be empty too. ’ Her voice wavered.
She coughed and turned the page. ‘I didn’t realize how empty my life had become because, even twenty-eight years on, I was still trying to fill it with Bella.
Her wife, Sophia, has the patience of a saint, but looking back, I imagine I have been the mother-in-law from hell.
’ She paused as the group tried to stifle their laughter.
‘And that’s not okay. What’s even less okay is that somewhere along the way I had lost my own identity.
I’d given myself away, and it was only when I started to think about what I wanted for my future that I realized I didn’t put myself front and centre in any of my plans.
I thought about Bella and Sophia’s IVF, I thought about my role in their experience and about potentially becoming a grandmother to their child.
But I hadn’t thought about me. Now, I want that to change. ’
‘Whoop,’ Riley shouted, flicking her fingers above her head. ‘That’s what I’m talking about.’ Tybalt, who was in his usual position on Joe’s lap, raised his head at the noise. He kneaded the fabric of Joe’s trousers, retracting his claws when Joe gently lifted his paw away from his leg.
‘I’ve always been told I smell nice,’ Susan continued, through smiling lips.
‘I became proud of the fact I could choose a perfume that suited me and that people would invariably comment upon. I took enormous pleasure in selecting the right diffuser for the right room at home and loved that everyone who came into my house commented on the aromas. So, smell was the first sense I decided to reclaim when I thought about rebuilding myself as an individual. Because that is what my last pages are about – me becoming me again. I am actively reclaiming myself and my senses. I’ve made the first small steps by doing the perfume taster session with Erin, and I’ve booked the longer course which starts in September.
I’m toying with the idea of selling a bespoke range at Blackheath Market one day, but that’s a way off.
For now, I’m embracing the glorious potential of it all.
In conclusion, my last chapters will still very much include my family, but with their love and their backing, from now onwards, the main protagonist in my story will be me. ’
Erin was too choked up to speak. Susan had said as much when they were on their trip to Central London, but to hear it again in such a thoughtful and considered way made her heart swell with pride for her friend.
She leaned forwards and grabbed Susan’s knee, and the two women smiled at each other with tears in their eyes.
‘That was very well written, if you don’t mind me saying,’ said Adam. ‘It’s a great concept too, the way you’ve pinpointed your trajectory and illustrated it using the senses. Clever.’
‘Thank you.’ Susan looked as though she was struggling to contain her pride. ‘That means a lot from a professional writer.’
‘Very moving,’ said Mercy. ‘The perfect coming of middle-age story.’ She gave a wink.
‘I love that you’re embracing change like that,’ said Riley. Her gaze moved to Erin, and before Erin shifted her eyes away, she saw kindness there. ‘Change is fucking hard,’ Riley continued. ‘But it can be for the best, can’t it?’
‘True,’ said Mercy. ‘That’s certainly how I’m feeling about it.’
‘What about you, Erin?’ Riley’s voice was soft, and Erin knew she had her best interests at heart. But that didn’t stop her from wanting the ground to open up and gobble her into its burning core.
‘Oh, I’m still lurching from one idea to another,’ she said, hoping vagueness would get her out of disclosing the facts. She didn’t want to say anything anymore. She wanted to stay with Susan’s pages. Hers were hopeful. Erin’s very much were not. ‘Haven’t quite pinned down my future yet.’
‘Do you envisage it being here, at The Bookmark? Jack seemed to think the future of the business might be in question.’ She’d only gone and said it. Erin’s cheeks reddened as all sets of eyes turned to her.
‘Is that right? Are you having difficulties?’ said Joe, his voice full of concern. ‘Why didn’t you say?’
The urge to minimise it was strong, but instead, Erin let the breath leave her lungs in a long sigh.
‘Passing trade has been down since the gift shop closed,’ she said.
‘And when the lease ends in a couple of months and the rent goes up by an enormous amount, we’ll be in real trouble.
I’ll be in real trouble.’ This wasn’t anyone else’s fault but hers.
Her mother had managed to keep things going in a way that looked effortless, and no one else in that room was to blame. The failure was hers, and hers alone.
‘Are you thinking of closing The Bookmark?’ said Joe. He gazed around the room and Erin’s heart broke when she imagined all the beloved scenes replaying in his mind.
She let her eyes move from the prints on the wall, to the blue candlesticks, and the bright vase in the fireplace, her vision blurring with collecting tears.
‘I’m desperate not to,’ she said. ‘But unless I can find a way of bringing the profits up, then in four weeks’ time, I’ll have to give notice.
I won’t have any choice.’ She couldn’t stop tears from spilling onto her cheeks.
This building was such a huge part of her life.
Not only that, it was also her only income.
She had the bills on their flat to pay, and all the expenses of living in an affluent area of South London.
If she lost the business, she’d inevitably be left with debts, and she couldn’t imagine getting a job that would pay enough to keep her and Jack afloat.
Losing the business would mean her life would have to change beyond all recognition.
The last time that happened it left her a broken shell.
‘I was trying to pluck up the courage to tell you,’ she said to Riley.
‘I should have let you know as soon as I found out about the rent increase. I’m sorry. ’
‘So, you really think it might close?’ said Riley, a wobble in her voice.
‘Initially, I thought I had no choice, but now I’ve decided I won’t go down without a fight.’
‘Good,’ said Riley. ‘I like a good fight.’
‘We’ve got to do something,’ said Mercy. ‘We’ve got to save The Bookmark.’
‘We’ll do whatever it takes to help,’ said Susan. It was her turn to squeeze Erin’s knee.
‘I’ve already done everything I can think of to cut costs,’ said Erin. ‘I’ve got an appointment at the bank, but that’s all I’ve come up with so far.’
‘Time to brainstorm,’ said Riley. ‘Operation save The Bookmark is go.’