Chapter Thirty-Four
Joe’s house was on her way back home, so Erin parked outside and pressed the bell, hoping to catch him in. His grin, when he opened the door, was like sunshine. ‘Well, if it isn’t my favourite person in the whole world.’
‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’ She gave him a hug and closed the door behind them.
‘I refute that accusation,’ Joe said. ‘And I’m glad you’re here, I need your help with something.’
‘What’s that?’ She followed him into the through-room, where three shirts were laid out on the cushions of the cream leather sofa, a jumble of ties next to them.
‘I’m picking out an outfit for my first date.’
Erin had to stop her eyes going to the photograph of Nuala on the mantlepiece. Joe had never hidden his plans from her, and she’d been supportive of his hopes of finding love again, but now that he was putting the idea into practice, she felt suddenly protective of Nuala’s memory.
‘I’m meeting a lady called Pat at Montpeliers,’ he said, seemingly oblivious to Erin’s floundering emotions. ‘Sorry we didn’t pick The Bookmark; it just seemed a bit …’ He stopped speaking, his fingers curling and moving in writhing fists. ‘Close to home.’
‘Don’t be daft. You don’t want an audience the first time you meet someone.
I get that.’ She clearly wasn’t the only one who felt strange about this date.
It must’ve taken a lot for Joe to make the arrangement, and the fact he didn’t want to meet at the place that had meant so much to him and Nuala showed how much thought he’d given it.
‘Come on, then, tell me about Pat.’ She picked up a yellow and black striped tie and held it against a white shirt, then tried a pale blue one with narrow navy stripes.
‘She’s a widow.’ Joe stood close, assessing the options alongside her. ‘She worked for a literary agency in administration, but she’s been retired for almost a decade.’
‘Oo, a literary agency. So, she likes to read?’ Erin picked up a tie with multi-coloured books floating on a yellow background. ‘This could work.’
‘Is it too much? I don’t want to come across as whacky, or, I don’t know, too keen to impress.’
‘You really are nervous, aren’t you?’ Erin turned to see Joe’s brow deeply creased. ‘I don’t think you need to worry. She’s bound to love you, if she’s sane, anyway.’
‘What if she’s not?’ he said, lifting his wiry eyebrows. ‘What if she’s as bonkers as a box of spoons? What do I do then? Or what if we have nothing to say to each other and we’re just sitting there, staring into our coffees?’
‘Then you go to the loo and message me, and I’ll call you five minutes later with some kind of emergency that I need immediate help with.’
‘Like what? It would have to be something urgent, like …’ His fingers danced as he thought.
She put a hand on his arm. ‘You really don’t need to overthink this.
It’s going to be fine.’ She looked deep into his eyes.
‘It will be more than fine. It will be lovely. You’re meeting a new friend, that’s all.
She doesn’t have to be the next big love of your life.
This is just date number one, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
’ She turned back to the shirts and ties and breathed in through her teeth.
‘Don’t hate me, but isn’t this a bit much for Montpeliers? ’
‘Is it?’ Joe put his hands on his hips. ‘What should I wear, then? I haven’t been on a date since the seventies.’
Erin pointed to the maroon sweater he was wearing over an open-necked checked shirt. ‘This works.’
He touched his collar. ‘Not too casual? I don’t want her to think I haven’t made an effort.’
‘You just need to be yourself,’ she soothed, recalling having given Adam exactly the same advice.
It was true, though. She might not have had a partner for an age, but she still believed being entirely yourself was the only way to enter into any meaningful relationship.
‘These clothes are what you’d usually wear, and that’s what someone meeting you for the first time will want, you being authentically you. ’
Joe nodded. ‘Thank you. Right, I’ll do that then. What would I do without you? Now that’s sorted, let’s put the kettle on.’ As they went through to the kitchen he said, ‘How’s things with you?’
‘Oh, you know.’
‘That good, eh?’ Joe filled the kettle as Erin leaned against the kitchen units.
‘I’ve been looking at a space down the road that’s being turned into a community venue kind of thing with a café and bar and workshops, and it’s made me see what can be achieved if you have the time and the money. The trouble is, I don’t have enough of either.’
‘Maybe I can—’
Erin froze. ‘No, please don’t think I’m asking for a handout.’ Joe opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a hand to stop him. ‘No. I would never have said anything if I thought you felt like you have to offer me money.’
‘But—’
‘Please,’ she said, more firmly. ‘It’s up to me to solve this.
’ She wasn’t even slightly convinced that she could pull the café back from the brink, and there was no way on earth that she would risk her friend’s money being lost. He and Nuala had worked hard all their lives.
Erin was already at risk of losing her mother’s legacy, nothing could compel her to take Joe’s hard-earned money down with her too.
Joe sighed and nodded. ‘As you wish. So, do you have a plan?’ He plucked two teabags from a glass jar and dropped them into mugs stained on the insides from decades of strong brews.
‘Not yet. I’m not going down without a fight, though. I can’t. It means too much.’ Her voice trembled, and when Joe turned his doleful eyes to her, she couldn’t stop tears from falling.
‘Oh, lamb,’ he said. ‘Come here.’ He wrapped her in a hug, and she wept into his shoulder.
‘It’s not just the potential loss of the business that’s upsetting me. I feel like, if I can’t make it work, I’ll be letting Mum down as well,’ she said, straightening a minute later. ‘That place meant everything to her.’
‘Not everything,’ said Joe. ‘Not as much as you meant. She wouldn’t want you to kill yourself trying to make it work because of a sense of loyalty to her. She loved you too much for that.’
‘I wish I was more like her,’ said Erin. ‘She wouldn’t have got herself into this position, or if she did, she would’ve known how to fix it.’
‘Ha! Is that what you think, that the business never had problems until recently?’
‘It didn’t,’ she said, taking the milk from the fridge and handing it to Joe.
‘So, why did your parents sell next door?’
Erin frowned. ‘They wanted to downsize after I moved out.’
‘Sure, that was one reason, but the other was to release some equity to keep the business afloat during the recession. Did Mary never tell you that?’
‘No, she didn’t.’ Erin searched her brain, but she couldn’t recall any mention of The Bookmark in the discussions about her parents’ move.
Joe took his drink over to the small table by the patio doors at the end of the kitchen and Erin followed.
‘I suppose you had your hands full at the time, what with Jack, and your man bailing.’ He rolled his eyes.
He hated Andrew for what he’d done to Erin and never made a secret of it.
‘I suppose she didn’t want to add to your worries. ’
The enormity of her childhood home being sold to keep The Bookmark afloat was still sinking in. ‘I feel even worse now. They made a massive sacrifice to keep the business going.’
‘Yes, but it shows that it’s not just you who’s found it hard. I think they should have told you, but I suppose they had their reasons, so there’s no point getting into that. You’re not letting anyone down by not having a house to sell to keep it going.’
‘It wasn’t a cash injection that kept the place alive. It was her.’ She pictured her mother, beaming and dancing her way around the tables, stopping to chat to customers, and pet dogs. She made the place what it was. ‘She was so full of ideas, so full of energy. If I was more like her …’
‘If you were more like her, the place wouldn’t have survived this long.
’ He put his hand over Erin’s. ‘Now, you know how much I loved your mother, but she could be impulsive and a tiny bit reckless. Henrik used to tear his hair out sometimes. And don’t forget, they were both working.
The Bookmark didn’t have to sustain the whole family.
Your dad’s wages kept everything ticking when times weren’t good at the café. ’
This was all news to Erin. She’d always presumed the business had been a roaring success under her mother’s lively management.
‘And she loved that you were different to her. That’s why she was so pleased you took over the café. You’ve always been a safe pair of hands.’
‘Boring, you mean.’ Erin leaned on her elbows and rested her chin on her hands.
Joe closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘That’s not at all what I mean.’
‘I just wish I had her strength. She didn’t let things get to her the way I do.’
‘You are strong, Erin. Yes, your mother was a force of nature, but there are different ways to be strong. You have a quiet strength. You’re the first person people come to with a worry.
They know they’ll get unwavering support from you.
You couldn’t carry the weight of other people’s problems as well as your own if you didn’t have a core of steel. ’
‘It’s easier to share other people’s burdens than carry your own, though. I’ve been such a coward, hiding from the reality of what’s happening in my own life.’
‘Have you been hiding, or have you been trying to do the right thing for everyone?’
Erin thought about that. At first, she’d been concerned about making Jack feel like he had to rush into a job he didn’t want, and since then, she’d been trying to think of a solution before burdening anyone else.
She’d been an emotional mess the whole time, though.
Surely someone with a core of steel wouldn’t spend half their time trying not to blub.
Joe fixed her with an intense gaze. ‘Your mum said you reminded her of Ralph.’
‘Ralph?’
‘You know, from Lord of the Flies.’
Erin recalled the book and thought hard about the character. ‘The leader? I don’t think I’m much of a leader. She was the one who everyone followed. I’m dull in comparison.’
‘You’re not dull, Erin. You’re reliable, and you’re loyal. Ralph is strong, organised, and principled. He’s good, like you’re inherently good. He always tries to do the right thing, and that’s an admirable quality. A rare one too. Your mum saw that in you.’
Erin let out a gasp. Her bottom lip wobbled. ‘Mum said that?’
‘She did. She admired you so much. She often said she wished she was more like you.’
The words speared directly into Erin’s heart. ‘I always wanted to be more like her.’
‘Isn’t that often the case with people we love? They shine in our eyes, and they see the brightness in us. That’s what love does, it adds a sheen of light to this dark world.’
Erin gripped his hand. Maybe she wasn’t a coward. Maybe what Joe said was true. ‘Thank you.’
‘I want you to understand that if you do have to walk away from the business, you’re not letting anyone down.’
‘It’s her legacy, though. It only exists because of her, and if it closes, then it’s like I’m allowing her to be forgotten. I’m desperate not to let that happen.’
‘If you’re talking about your mother’s long-lasting impact on the world, then I’m pretty sure she’d see you as her legacy, not a café.
You’re the only legacy either of your parents truly cared about, and if Mary thought keeping the place going made you unhappy, or stressed, then she’d be the first to tell you to let it go.
She wasn’t afraid of change, was she? She was innovative and …
as I said, she was sometimes impulsive. She always had one eye on the future. ’
‘True,’ agreed Erin, because now she thought about it, it was. Her parents always put her happiness first, just as she would always do with Jack. ‘But the thing is, running the café does make me happy. I only realized how much I loved it when it was too late.’
‘Is it too late?’ said Joe. ‘I believe in my heart that things will turn out okay for you, my girl. You’re made of sturdy stuff.
You’ve proved that time and time again. And if it gets tough, I will be there to support you.
We all will. If you want to fight for what makes you happy, you won’t be on your own. ’