Chapter Eleven #3
I smiled despite myself. I’m not certain what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.
‘What’s yours?’ he asked quietly.
‘“Against All Odds”.’
He nodded and that smile he had that never quite changed his face appeared. ‘See you tonight, Abbey.’
Oh, boy. I was so desperately in love with this man. I was headed in one direction. Heartbreak.
***
The family dinner was a bad idea. Full stop.
I had these clear thoughts as I dressed and prepared to meet him.
It was difficult for me to enforce any of the boundaries I tried to implement with him because of how much I wanted and loved him.
He was like a tasty loaf of bread on a carb-free diet. I definitely had a bad feeling.
Ella and I hopped into the chauffeured car, which drove us to the door of a cute little restaurant in the city. My child was pretty certain she was rich and famous tonight.
‘I feel like Margot Robbie, Mum.’
We entered the casual but elegant restaurant and Family Nick was there. And he … I could tell he would be the most dangerous Nick of all.
Family Nick took everyone’s order and chatted to the girls over the menu about what they wanted to eat, listening intently to their thoughts, and then grossed them out by telling them all the weird things he had eaten around the world. I tried not to buy in, but I could not stop smiling at him.
I watched him throughout dinner. He was so relaxed around his sister and Summer.
Family Nick and Holiday Nick were the same, but minus Sex God Nick, and I suspected that this was actually him, just Nick.
I wished Ollie could have been there too and from time to time the two Northby siblings would go quiet, and I knew they were thinking the same.
Family Nick was indulgent and devoted. He would bend down when Summer spoke, eager to hear anything she told him.
He was equally great with Ella. I couldn’t stop looking at him.
He was breathtaking. Pale-blue jeans and a white shirt.
Classic and masculine and beautiful. The waitress tried to flirt with him, but he didn’t notice. He was ours. The women at this table.
After dinner, he took the girls next door where there was an arcade place, leaving Evelyn and me to chat.
‘How long have you been in love with Nick, Abbey?’
I almost spat out my wine. But I couldn’t see the point of attempting to deny it.
‘It’s hard to define. Maybe straight away or maybe I just realised this week.’
‘Rebecca died when Summer was eight months old. You are the first woman I’ve ever had dinner with. He doesn’t do things like this.’
‘I don’t know what he does and what he doesn’t do, Ev.
I think if he wanted a relationship or to talk about feelings, he would.
But he runs every time I think he is going to say something about how he feels about me.
So …’ I shrugged. ‘It feels like I’m the only one emotionally involved and, frankly, that is not a great feeling.
And I know I can’t keep doing things like this.
He will break my heart. And it’s not like I’m some blind teenager walking into this. ’
I sighed. ‘I want a relationship of love and devotion; I don’t want to be the only one in it.
I’ve already pretended my way through a marriage.
I know what I want now. I’m not prepared to settle for less.
And Nick … Nick gives me no sign that he wants anything more than … what has already happened.’
‘Fuck, men are hard.’
‘Cheers to that,’ I said, clinking my glass to hers.
When they came back from the arcade flushed and grinning, Ella was gushing. ‘Mum. Nick, Summer and I played this Jurassic Park game and Nick brought down the biggest dinosaur. Summer and I were FREAKING OUT, like screaming. Nick is the best. He’s so funny.’
‘Hero complex,’ he provided, throwing a lopsided grin my way.
I was done. It was one thing for me to be in love with him. Under no circumstances could I allow him to break Ella’s heart, too. I stood and picked up my handbag. ‘Ella, it’s getting late. We should get you home.’
His face fell.
I could not get out of there quickly enough. ‘Say goodbye and thank you. I’ll meet you out the front, Ella. I’m just going to order an Uber.’ I walked hastily out the door, offering his sister a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. ‘Bye, Ev.’
When I reached the fresh air, I took in a deep gulp and threw my head back to look at the sky. A tear had come free, and I pushed it away, furious with myself.
‘Abbey.’
‘Nick, I need to go.’
‘Okay, I’ll get the car for you.’
‘Nick, I don’t need your car, or you.’
He took a step closer to me, and I stepped back from him. His eyes had darkened, and a crease had formed between them, concern on his face. He reached for my hand, but I took another step back.
‘Abbey.’ I heard frustration.
But I wouldn’t let him comfort me. I could see his sister trying to keep our girls inside, keeping them engaged with a fish tank just inside the door, to give us a minute.
‘You’re upset.’
‘I can’t keep doing this, Nick. I want … I want more than this. I don’t want whatever this is. It isn’t enough. And I can’t have Ella wanting it too.’
I waved to Ella, and she ran out throwing her arms around my boss/boyfriend/love of my life.
‘Night, Nick.’
‘Night, Ella.’
We hopped into the Uber and went home.
Nick
I looked out the car window on the way home and attempted to make appropriate responses and smile at my daughter.
‘I wish I had a sister. Ella is lovely. She’s so lucky to have a mum.
Abbey is gorgeous too. Ella says they have movie nights, and that she prefers her mum’s place to her dad’s place because she doesn’t like her dad’s new girlfriend and her mum has a degree of chill.
She said she wants Abbey to have a boyfriend, and she is excited because Abbey’s sister, Ella’s Aunt Kate, has a friend who is a doctor.
An actual doctor. Ella says that doctors are the best.’
Ev threw me a dark look across the car, which I ignored.
We finally got home and got Summer into bed.
‘I love you, Daddy,’ Summer said, and she kissed my nose. I sometimes try to find Rebecca in her face, but she looks so much like me, Bec didn’t get a look in.
‘Goodnight, Sum.’
‘I like it here. You seem happier.’
‘Do I?’
She nods at me solemnly.
‘Goodnight, Sum. Love you.’
When I got back to the lounge room, Ev had made us a cup of tea and was looking at me with a stern expression.
‘What was tonight, Nick?’ There was a distinct helping of attitude that instantly made me defensive.
‘I’m not clear on what you are referring to, Evelyn.’
‘What are you doing with that woman? It isn’t good enough. She likes you. A lot. And she is lovely. And you like her.’
‘I’m not discussing it with you, Ev. Quite frankly, it is none of your business.’
‘Actually, Nick, it is my business because I am a co-owner of the company and one-third of the board that Abbey works for. And I’m your sister.’
‘Abbey’s a grown-up. She knows exactly what the deal is.’
‘Oh, that’s why she left upset? After we all had a great time? And you playing happy families with the kids, but not prepared to commit yourself. I love you. That’s why I can tell you to your face, you are being a prick.’
‘I don’t need this, Ev.’ I reached for the tea she had made me, not meeting her eyes.
‘That’s fine. I don’t need it either, Nick.
I have enough men in my life with the emotional capacity of a small puddle.
It’s just hard to watch my brother – who, when he lets himself love someone, loves them better than anyone else I know – not allow himself to love.
I’ll stay at Ollie’s tonight. Goodnight, Nick. Fuck you.’
She left, taking her teacup, and I sat in the dark. I finished my tea and then dragged my exhausted arse to bed.
What the fuck was I doing? It was supposed to be a night where Abbey felt appreciated.
I started undressing, undoing my belt and taking off my jeans. The problem was that she already felt like a part of my family. And so did Ella. I’d stopped thinking and just relaxed and it felt completely natural. And I forgot.
I forgot the boundaries. I forgot about Rebecca. Her illness. The day she died and the blackness in the months after.
I can’t let that happen again. I was giving mixed signals. I need to protect Abbey better.
I made a deal with myself in the dark that Abbey and I were purely professional from this point on. I would not cross the line with her again.