Chapter Thirteen
Abbey
It felt good having the ‘I love you’ off my chest. The weeks of holding it in had become a burden, and now I’d said it, I felt dramatically lighter.
There had been this second, this brief moment where I thought he was going to confess everything to me, but then that crease had formed between his dark brows, and he withdrew to the sad place.
But we were together for the next day at least. What if I used this time? Made him tell me the things he wouldn’t so far? Made the rules so that I could learn everything I could about him? If there were two days on offer, why wouldn’t I take two days?
‘I make the rules?’
‘Yes.’
‘Fine.’ I took a deep breath. ‘First, we will stay together. Second, there will be absolutely no sex. Third—’ I paused because after looking initially thrilled, he then looked crestfallen. ‘You will tell me everything about anything I ask.’
He was silent for a second, and then he gave a half smile. ‘Can I touch you?’ I raised an eyebrow at him, and he clarified, ‘Can we hold hands? Can I kiss you? Can I hug you?’
‘Yes.’
‘You drive a hard bargain, Ms Parker.’
‘Is that a yes, Mr Northby?’
‘Yes.’
He messaged his driver to let him know we were ready and gave him the name of a swanky hotel that was as far away from Delacqua as we could get in the Melbourne CBD.
***
He opened my door and took my hand as we walked into the lobby of the hotel.
I’m not entirely certain what about him screamed money other than the colour of his Amex, but the receptionist fawned over him and offered him the biggest suite available, which he took.
I shook my head disapprovingly. He ignored me.
It was so easy to slip back into couple mode with him because it felt like the most natural thing in the world and our holiday had been spent exactly like this.
But neither of us could quite bridge the void between us, no matter how close we held each other.
One of us had declared ourselves and the other had not.
The room was, ah Jesus, it was exquisite.
It was a soft mushroom colour, instantly soothing.
There were two bedrooms, he pointed out, letting me know I had the option not to share his, and then he went and dumped his things in the smaller of the two.
French chairs were dotted about the lounge, which had a gorgeous view of the river.
There was a dining room and an office. The bathroom looked like a freaking day spa.
The last – and only – time I had been in a room this fancy was the last time I stayed with him.
I changed, getting out of my dress, thankful for my disaster planning and that I at least had a change of clothes and toiletries with me.
Emerging, I had a moment of doubt he’d be there, but there he was on the sofa.
He had his feet crossed at the ankles and was drinking tea.
Part of me had expected him to run and hide from the crazy lady who did not understand that sex was sex, and that when a man said he would not fall in love with you, he literally would not.
He extended a hand to me, and I walked to him, sliding into his lap. He looked as exhausted as me, and the crease between his eyes told me he was worrying.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked. I nodded. ‘Are you certain you want to stay? I will get you home if you’ve changed your mind. I can have Steve drive you.’
‘Nick, I love you. Two more days is two more days. If this is it, I want them.’
His grip around my waist pulled me to him tighter. I was reminded again just how freeing it was to have told him how I felt. Finally, I did not have to pretend.
He kissed my cheek. ‘I ordered you champagne. I thought we might head out on the town, get drunk and then we’re going to find a guy playing a guitar in a pub and sing along with the rest of the crowd, to music we didn’t even know we knew the words to, until they turn the lights on and kick us all out. Yes?’
‘Okay.’ It sounded like the perfect evening.
He emerged from the shower, a champagne glass later, in just a pair of trunks.
I watched him through his open door as he slid on a pair of black jeans and threw on a navy T-shirt.
He added brown accents, a belt and boots.
It shouldn’t work, but it did. He sprayed on the Hermes scent I loved, and I sniffed appreciatively at its herbal lemony notes.
He reached down into his bag, emerging with a navy jumper.
His movements were graceful for a man, elegant somehow.
I poured a second glass of champagne for me and one for him and handed it to him as he walked across the room to me. He clinked my glass and though I could still see sadness in and around his eyes, I also saw affection, warmth and respect.
‘Jesus, Abbey, you are so lovely. You do know that?’
I was dressed all in black. Black jeans, black turtleneck, black woollen coat and a cute pair of lace-up boots. I wear a lot of black. I have pale skin and golden hair. It sets them off.
I attempted to lighten the mood. ‘Not Jacinta-the-nanny lovely though.’
He almost spat out the champagne, laughing, delighted and I watched as his shoulders dropped an inch.
Relaxing. ‘You should have seen Ollie’s face when he got home and spotted her.
It was the first time I knew for certain he was on the mend.
Summer’s old nanny retired recently. Ev hired Jacinta for me,’ he clarified, so that I knew he had not hired the sexiest nanny since Fran Drescher.
My stomach made a loud grumble and my eyes pulled away from him for a minute.
He grabbed the waist of my jeans and pulled me to him, rubbing a hand across the fly of my jeans. ‘Are you hungry?’
‘I’m starving.’
‘Let’s go feed you.’
We grabbed sunglasses and his coat and walked out of that hotel hand in hand. A regular couple on the streets of Melbourne.
***
I led us towards the Yarra River, and we found a restaurant with a view of the busy riverside.
Heaters sat above the table keeping us warm, but when I shivered as the wind crept in through gaps, he leaped out of his chair, putting his coat across my knees.
It was hard when he was nice; my need for him overwhelmed me and I’d glimpse a future life of being cared for like this.
It was heartbreaking to have found him and not have him as mine.
‘Right,’ I said, looking intently at the menu and avoiding his gaze, which had become concerned. ‘What to eat?’
‘Abbey.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Can you look at me for a moment?’
I rolled my eyes and put down the menu.
‘You’re upset. When I first met you, you were the most honest person I’d ever met. It bothers me immensely that you’re withholding your thoughts and feelings from me.’
‘That is a huge double standard, Nick. You conceal so much, mostly from yourself, ironically. And me.’ I sighed. ‘Of course, I’m upset. I love you and I tried to establish some boundaries, and I allowed you to move past them. I don’t want people I love to walk over me in life.’
‘You undervalue yourself.’
‘You keep saying that and it is frustrating. How do you think you see me so clearly, but you do not see yourself? You undervalue me. You undervalue my love. You undervalue yourself. Do you know that?’
‘I know my exact value, Abbey.’
I shook my head. ‘Nick, you think you are an abyss and a figure on a bank statement. You are also a loving brother, a wonderful, loving father. You do nice things for people you care about. Why don’t you factor in that stuff?’
I knew I’d hit a nerve because he looked away from me. A wry smile flashed, and he pulled at the neck of his jumper.
‘What I am terrified of is being undervalued by the people I love,’ I said.
‘So this relationship is pushing some buttons for me. The two of us are here together when we both know we aren’t what we need from each other.
I know I stayed, it was my idea, but I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I guess a part of me is living in hope.’
‘For what?’
‘For you to admit how you feel about me. For you to put aside the things you lost and choose the things you have.’
The waiter approached, and I ordered a bowl of wings, sweet potato fries and a salad. He ordered the wine. When it arrived and the waiter poured two glasses, I tasted the wine and looked at him, impressed.
‘How did you learn about wines?’
‘My first girlfriend.’ He swirled the glass and sipped the wine.
‘I was eighteen. She was thirty-eight and a sommelier. Her name was Louise Carlow. She gave me an education in more than wine. We were in a relationship for a year or so, casually. As soon as I got custody of Oliver and Evelyn, that was that. I didn’t have time for a girlfriend. ’ He said this softly with a shrug.
‘Evelyn said that Ollie was acting out in the foster home.’
‘He got into strife with a credit-card-fraud scheme. He also stole a car.’
‘Was he charged?’
‘No. I managed to sort out what everyone needed.’
‘You paid them off?’
‘Yes.’
‘Wait, Louise Carlow? She works for you.’ I was slightly shrill, I’ll own it. I’d spoken to the woman on the phone. Also, it was kind of pervy, her preying on a young boy. A loaded young boy.
‘Yes, she is in her sixties now and our head wine buyer. We are still good friends.’
I was a little bothered by that, but I attempted not to let it show.
Jealousy seemed a weak sort of thing. I wondered if it weren’t for Jack Fife would we even be here …
I was grateful when our food arrived, and I tucked in heartily, but his words came back to me about being honest and I put down a wing to ask a question.
‘You like control. You were very bothered by Jack Fife. If he had not been an arse, what was your plan for this weekend?’
‘Abbey, I … adore you. Worship you. I do … I guess, I feel compromised … emotionally. By you.’ He put down his chicken and closed his eyes. ‘I don’t mean to control. But this feels constantly out of control and where things are out of my control … it stresses me out.’