Chapter 29
CJ
CJ turns the corner and finds she cannot walk any further.
She stands still, body weight falling to one side so that she’s leaning against the wall of the hallway.
She takes a deep breath. Steadies herself, freezes when she hears the click of a door open, stupidly, for half a second, hopes it is Ash coming to find her.
It isn’t. There’s another click, and then nothing.
Shit, shit, shit. She’s ruining everything!
If Ash was so easily able to walk away …
well. That speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
It isn’t worth the risk. Isn’t worth the shame, the rejection.
She sinks down, crouching, head in her hands.
Eyes closed. Breathe, you idiot, breathe.
She thinks of Jorge, his angelic, cherub-like face.
She has everything she needs in this life.
Her child is enough. It’s an embarrassment of riches, to have his love, to be able to love him.
That she hasn’t felt this way about another person in years, in a decade, a decade and a half …
urgh! It doesn’t matter! She was in love once before, and look how that turned out!
Nobody can fill the void of what her mother left behind, it doesn’t take Freud himself to point that out.
She’s worked so hard for everything she has.
So, so hard. She cannot just give that away on a maybe from Ash, on the hint of a chance.
Breathe, you idiot, breathe. She gets up.
Looks back to the corner she came from. Takes a step.
Because what if? The most dangerous thought a person could have, that. What if.
Breathe, you idiot, breathe.