Chapter 17
“Always look your best, even if running an errand. You may think you will not run into someone you know, but inevitably you will. You will find it awkward to be underdressed or in your curlers and house robe.”
Mrs. Prim’s Primer to Poise, Charm, and Beauty.
Section 1: Introduction
Chapter 5: Consistency is Key
Online chatting was never a huge strength of mine. One had to type fast so the other party didn’t waste time waiting for you to reply.
Even though I promised Marie to be there, I wasn’t sure how the chat would go. Each chat was different. The first time for me, hardly anyone showed up. But other times, I’d see Marie typing with a fury from her laptop with several windows open. I wasn’t sure I could handle that many, but I was hoping for a calm night like before.
Our Internet at the apartment was as slow as a turtle wading through molasses in January, as in, I could run faster than its speed. I was pretty sure the crazy guy upstairs was sucking up all the bandwidth since he probably played games all day.
Marie said it was okay if I went down to the Big W sandwich shop, which not only has the freshest chocolate chip cookies, but the best lemonade—all sugar, not the fake stuff. So I ordered myself a stack of cookies. No judgment. They were three for a dollar if I ordered a drink—and a lemonade. The Big W was known for their trendy wares and earth-friendly, recycle-everything policy.
One of Kat’s friends worked here, and I smiled and waved at him. He jangled his several earrings when he waved. With my food all ready, I plugged my laptop in a few minutes early so that Marie wouldn’t have a heart attack.
But the charger light didn’t come on.
I put it in the bottom outlet.
Nothing.
A dead outlet.
I couldn’t sit here all night with no battery. My laptop was on its last leg, so to speak, and it didn’t have a long battery life to begin with. I needed juice, and I needed it now.
I glanced around and spotted another outlet by a big burly guy with a tiny goatee, clad all in grays and black sitting by the fireplace. Would he mind sharing?
I collected my stuff and stood awkwardly near the table. Gah, just ask him, I told myself. I cleared my throat. He looked up.
“The other outlet isn’t working; can I maybe share this one?” Meaning could I sit at your table like a stalker? I didn’t say that of course. He simply shrugged a sure, and I sat down, perhaps a little too overeager. But I had to get online.
My phone dinged. Marie texted.
Are you logged in?
Not yet. Had some issues.
Do you need another laptop?
I told you that one was old.
You can go to campus and use one of those computers. Just sit in the back so no one will see you.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Gabby are you there?
Gabby answer me!!!
I was unwinding my cord and bending down to the outlet. If she’d stop texting me, I could get more done.
Everything is fine now.
Not computer issues. Power issues. Outlet was dead.
I finally got everything going, smiled at the goatee guy in front of me, and offered him a cookie. I glanced around. The dining area was nice. A fireplace blazed on both sides of a wall. Even though it was seventy outside. A few other hipsters occupied the place. Not my usual hangout, but they had wicked fast Internet and the aforementioned cookies.
As it was a ways from campus, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t run into anybody I knew while typing. Marie was very strict about letting people know I was doing the chat session for her campus lonely hearts stuff. And I’d promised.
I put in my earbuds as a deterrent from conversation and logged on.
Three minutes later, I got a text from Marie.
So?
These cookies are superb.
I don’t care about cookies. Are you logged in?
Of course! Don’t be a worrier. The Book says you’ll get wrinkles.
:/ Let me know when you are done.
At precisely seven o’clock my first lonely heart logged in under the name of Fresh101.
I sent the unwitting victim the pre-written agreement of liability waiver stating that these conversations were for Marie’s use, with lots of legalese. Then when he or she clicked yes, our chat started.
Fresh101: I have a problem.
LonelyHearts: Okay, ask away.
Fresh101: There’s this girl in my class, or she used to be in my class. I asked her out, but she stood me up. Do I risk asking her out again?
I don’t know how Marie does this. I was pathetic. How do I answer this?
LonelyHearts: If she stood you up, you’re clearly a loser.
That’s not what I wrote.
LonelyHearts: Perhaps there was a miscommunication. Did you ever talk to her about what happened?
Fresh101: No.
LonelyHearts: Send her a text and say, Missed you Friday night or something.
I hit delete.
LonelyHearts: Send her a text and see what she says. If she doesn’t write back, she’s not into you.
I knew that one. Girls don’t return texts of stalker guys.
Fresh101: I don’t have her number.
LonelyHearts: Well there’s your problem! Never ask out a girl without exchanging phone numbers in case something goes awry.
Fresh101: Oh, okay.
Fresh101: So should I ask her out again?
LonelyHearts: Well, how are you going to do that?
Fresh101: I dunno, I thought if maybe I ran into her…
Some people you just have to spell it out for them.
LonelyHearts: Before you ask her out, you need to take the temperature of the water, you know what I mean?
Fresh101: huh?
PING!
Ack! I had another one come in. I sent them the waiver form to stall.
LonelyHearts: You need to see if she’s into you—if she’s interested and only forgot or if she was purposely dogging you.
I was hoping that would be enough to get rid of him. Because here pinged up my next chat session in a new window.
GRLLL: Hey lonely hearts, I have a question.
Fresh101: How do I do that?
LonelyHearts to GRLLL: Fire away!
LonelyHearts to Fresh101: Well, you know, see if she looks happy to see you or if she covers her face and runs away. If she runs away, that’s a bad sign.
GRLLL: I’m interested in this guy, but he seems interested in another girl. How do I win him back?
My eyebrows shot through the roof. I had no idea how to win a guy. For the first time, I had a sort-of relationship of about a month now, but so far he hadn’t given me the boot. I certainly had no idea how to “steal away a guy from another girl.”
While I thought, Fresh101 also replied.
Fresh101: What if she looks sorta happy?
I wanted to yell at him to read the Body Language/Non-Verbal Communication section of the Book. But I had to reply to GRLLL.
I was stumped. Should I just write: Be yourself? I wish I had brought the Book for consultation. What should I tell her? Should I text Marie and ask her what she would say. I didn’t have time. Sweat pockets formed in my pits. I was frazzled going back and forth, and my fingers were icy. The air conditioner must be on arctic blast! Now I see why they had the fireplace. My body convulsed with little internal shakes. Even with the artificial fire.
Fresh101: Hello?
Ack! I couldn’t let someone go away unhappy from this experience; Marie would kill me!
LonelyHearts to Fresh101: My best guess would be to ascertain her interest in you. If she ditched you on purpose, she will feel guilty and will avoid you. If it was an accident, she’ll apologize. If she forgot, don’t remind her, just start again!
LonelyHearts to GRLLL: This one took a lot of thought. My recommendation would be to see if he’s interested in the other girl; if he is, then you’re kind of S.O.L.
Fresh101: So I just have to ask her again?
My patience was wearing thin with Fresh101. Especially when I saw another login. I sent the waiver. How would I handle three conversations? If only Fresh101 would finally get a clue and get off!
I took a brief moment to look up. I took a sip of my lemonade. The guy across from me asked what I was drinking, and I told him. Then I mentioned the cookies were good, too. He said he’d take me up on my offer. I smiled and handed him a cookie across the table. Just at that moment, I caught someone across the room, standing with a tray with a sandwich wrapped in brown paper, staring at me.
Lincoln.
He looked at me. To the guy with the goatee eating my cookie. Then back at me.
I gulped. This looked so bad. I wasn’t even sure I smiled at him.
Because right at that moment, BandGeek showed up on my screen, and my reflexive response was to look at my flashing screen. It was only a split-second diversion of my eyes, but it was enough. Lincoln had turned away.
Distress must’ve been all over my face. What did he assume, seeing me share a cookie with the guy across from me? What did he think I was doing here at Big W? Did he think I was here with that dude? I didn’t have time to search the dining lounge for him. Three people were waiting for my response. More people were logging in.
I’d have to explain later.
He probably had some questions.
After reading BandGeek’s question, I glanced up while typing a response to see if I could locate Lincoln. He sat in a booth partially hidden by a half-wall. Maybe there would be a lull, and I could run over and explain. Explain what? Not the truth. Something that wasn’t the truth but wasn’t a lie.
My fingers ran nonstop over the keys. Another person logged on. I had to close out Fresh101. Be direct.
LonelyHearts to Fresh101: Asking for her phone number is a water tester. If she won’t give it to you or asks why, she’s not into you. Got it?
There was an end blurb, too, that thanked them for coming in etc., etc. I copied and pasted that.
GRLLL was another matter. I had no advice for her that didn’t require her to go jump in a lake, but I had to say something.
LonelyHearts to GRLLL: Before you make any move be sure of his feelings for you. Whether or not this other girl—your competition—is going to win him, depends on him. Make an effort to show your feelings and see if he responds in kind. If not, you have to let him choose his own partner.
Copy and paste the thank you for using this service.
BandGeek needed advice on general conversation and seemed to be his/her main issue.
I glanced up to see if Lincoln was still there.
He’d just gotten up. He had to walk this way to get to the trash. I could spare at least a smile and a wave. I readied myself to make casual contact.
In the three-second space I gave him, the required three-second approach, I glanced up.
HE WALKED RIGHT BY WITHOUT GLANCING MY WAY!
Not even an eyebrow raise. Complete and utter ignore. He had to have seen me sitting there. He saw me when he got the tray. Behind me, I heard him dump his recycling and the flip of the little trash can. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk while he was holding trash. I waited for him to be done, hoping that he would return. I flipped my screen to something innocuous. The sound of his tray landing on the stack told me he was done. I waited a heartbeat or two before turning to see if he was there.
I turned. He was out the door.
That was so unlike Lincoln to leave without saying hi. We were friends, weren’t we? I stared at my screen for a few breaths before even realizing that there were several chats coming on. My mind couldn’t stop. Did I hurt his feelings? When he passed me, should I have made a vocal effort to stop him? I relived the moment in my head, only this time I stopped him. Would it have been different? What would he have said? I could have at least explained I didn’t just blow him off.
A weird feeling bubbled up inside. I must’ve eaten too much sugar. I pushed the napkin to the guy across from me, offering him the remaining cookie.
I had to shake it off, whatever it was. I must think about it later when I had time. Right now, more people were coming to Marie for help, and I needed to be there for her.
I drained my lemonade, shivering from the icy goodness. I dug into my typing. My eyes hurt, and I think I ruined my manicure. At any rate, my nails were chipped after hitting the keys for so long. I could see why Marie kept them short.
Both my ring fingernails were bent where I hit the L key and the S key. Small price to pay. Two solid hours of typing! My back hurt, my eyes needed to look at something far away. I glanced out the window and noticed that the sky had darkened and the streetlights had turned on. I rubbed my eyes and saw the goatee guy had left. When did he leave? I hadn’t even noticed.
I checked the clock. I had about fifteen minutes left before I could stop. My stomach rumbled wanting real food. My teeth were fuzzy and needed brushing badly.
Just fifteen more minutes. I breathed the tension out of my back and hunched over to type again as another chat window came up. I sent the agreement.
Mentally, I had nothing left. How could Marie do this every week? She found it exhilarating, fun. I needed a vacation to Corfu.
PRES logged in. I sent him/her the agreement.
LonelyHearts: How can I help you tonight, PRES?
PRES: I hope you can help me. I like this girl, but I’m not sure she likes me. I think she does. I feel like she does. There are moments where I feel like this could really happen. She is the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. She’s smart, talented, beautiful, but not only that, she’s genuinely considerate of other people. When I’m with her, I feel like singing the national anthem in Icelandic. She’s unlike any other girl I’ve met.
This guy was looking for all the right stuff. He sounds like a keeper. She’d be stupid not to want him.
LonelyHearts: What are you waiting for, make your move.
PRES: Well, here’s the problem. Sometimes she acts like she doesn’t like me. Or even know me. It’s very confusing.
LonelyHearts: Like she ignores you?
PRES: Yeah
That was rude. Who would do that?
PRES: And she has a boyfriend.
A boyfriend. Hm.
LonelyHearts: How serious? How long?
PRES: Not long. I’m not sure if it’s serious. The guy’s a bit of a punk.
LonelyHearts: She may be interested but sometimes people have a hard time letting go of something they have for something they could have. Or she may not be interested. You have to figure out which it is.
PRES: How?
LonelyHearts: Spend more time with her. See which response dominates. Does she avoid you or does she accept your friendship?
PRES: I see.
LonelyHearts: When you approach this person, you have to remember that you need to do what makes her happy. You can’t displace her relationship only to discover she is miserable. If you put her happiness first, even if it means sacrificing what you think you want, it will have a great payout.
Nothing. No reply. A minute ticked by. Then two.
LonelyHearts: You still there?
PRES: Yes, I’m just considering what you wrote.
LonelyHearts: Oh.
PRES: I just have this gut feeling we should be together. That I could make her happier than her boyfriend can. He’s not worthy of her
LonelyHearts: If you believe so much in it, then pursue it.
PRES: Okay.
LonelyHearts: Then come back and tell me about it.
Even if I wasn’t going to be here, I could follow up with Marie.
Ah! My fifteen last minutes were up. PRES never came back, so I put up the time-out screen and said goodbye.