Chapter 20 Dane
DANE
“You should have seen your faces.” I laugh, as I take a bite of my jam toast.
Hannah’s cheeks flush, yet again, and she throws a raspberry at my face.
“Celibacy Group of America? I mean, come on, that’s funny right. Considering what we had just done.” Hannah dips her face into her palms and Ethan shifts a bit. I’m still unsure about mentioning our sexual adventures so easily but his reaction is still leaps and bounds better than the first night.
Everything between the three of us has been so natural since the first day, it’s only after something happens sexually between Ethan and I that he tends to retract into himself.
I’ve been very mindful of this and tread lightly but after almost getting busted by an entire group of celibate Christians, we all seem to be taking things a little less seriously.
It’s been light-hearted, fun and absolutely fucking perfect.
Even now, his knee is grazing mine under the table and he’s not jerking away. Hannah always seems to be touching me or Ethan and I love that because it’s my primary love language.
Hers too, I think.
I haven’t figured out his yet.
Either way, I don’t want this to end and I hate that after breakfast they’re going to go see some sights together and I’m going to hang out with Kobi for a few hours before he flies back to Japan.
I mean, I want to hang out with Kobi but I don’t want to miss out on time with these two either.
Plus, it’s the last night and the room is now occupied, so there isn’t anything we can do in our room later.
I know I’m living a life of sin according to some and I don’t need the Celibacy Group of America reminding me of that. Especially when I want to do all sorts of unspeakable sinful things to my two new friends in the privacy of my own room.
Actually…I could capitalize on this.
“So, hey. Kobi is flying back a day early. He prepaid for the hotel and is offering me the room. He’s pretty bougie, so it’s probably really nice.” I run my hand through my hair nervously—a foreign feeling that I’m not used to. “Do you guys want to stay there…” I swallow thickly, “with me?”
Kobi doesn’t have an extra night, but I will damn sure get the best fucking suite in this city if they say yes.
My eyes bounce between the two of them, trying to read their expressions. The silence is excruciating and I find myself trying to think of all the perks to sell them on the idea.
I go to open my mouth but Ethan spits out a quick, “Yes, god yes. I can’t wait to have a room with our own bathroom and a tad bit of privacy.”
Oh, thank god.
I huff out a sigh of relief that mixed with a chuckle. “Yeah, the last few nights have been rare in a hostel, but a private room all to ourselves—” I wiggle my eyebrows at Hannah because that’s far too flirtatious for Ethan, “who knows what kind of trouble we’ll get into.”
“You’ve been uncharacteristically quiet about your trip,” Kobi says as he steps up a steep ledge. He pulls himself up on a flat rock with ease then turns, holding out his hand and helps me up.
We’re both shirtless, a sheen of sweat glistens over our skin as we trek through a dense forest park just outside of Paris.
Traditionally we make this hike whenever we’re in Paris together and trek until we reach the edge of the waterfall.
It’s been over an hour and we’re almost there, yet we’ve only had surface level conversations because I refuse to talk about how invested I am in whatever is happening between Ethan, Hannah and me.
“Just training myself to get ready to teach. I’m trying to be a better listener,” I say, telling Kobi a half truth.
“Ha! If I’ve ever heard of a line of bullshit in my life, it was that line right there. Spill it with the couple you're coiting with,” he quips, knowing me too well.
“Coiting? Is that even a word?
“Stop deflecting. You aren’t good at it.”
I pause, taking in the sights as we peer over the lush trees and listen to the sound of rushing river water.
It’s the most peaceful place I know, a favorite to visit out of all the places I go, and this time I feel unexplainably different.
I feel…happy. And not the fake, goofy happiness that I always show everyone.
It’s an ease and contentness I haven’t felt in a long time. A very long time.
“Do they know how you feel?” Kobi asks without me saying anything further, because he’s a fucking know-it-all. We’ve traveled and spent far too much time together over the years for him not to see a shift.
I chipmunk my cheeks and force out a breath as I place my hands on my hips.
Do they know how I feel?
No, I mean how could they? Why would they? It’s been three fucking days and I’m head over heels for the both of them. I hardly know anything about them.
What I do know is how I feel when I’m with them and that’s more than I’ve felt in a long time.
And for some reason, that’s all that matters to me right now.
I shake my head and he hums.
“What do you plan to do about that?”
“I’m going to tell them,” I say. “We all go home tomorrow, so I just need to tell them more about myself. I’ll tell them I’m headed back to Seattle to teach for a year, then maybe I can spend some time wherever they live and,” I shrug, “I don’t know, hang out there for a while.”
I hate how unsure I sound. Because why would they even go for that or even want to spend time with me after a year. I feel fucking sick and vulnerable and I hate it.
Kobi watches me as I shift back and forth in my stance, knowing I’m completely fucking unhinged by them and losing my mind trying to figure out how to keep whatever it is we have going. I mean, it’s possible, right? I can’t be the only one feeling this way.
“Hey,” he pats me on the shoulder, “I’m sure it’s going to work out, just tell them how you feel. Be open. They’ve been pretty open with you, right?”
Sexually, yeah. But I know nothing about them personally. I don’t even know what state they live in.
I nod. Agreeing and answering his question at the same time.
Kobi looks at me with concern and I don’t blame him. I’m far out on the line, with my heart on a platter, serving it up to them and I have no desire to pull it back.
“Who’s going first?” he asks, glancing down over the side of the waterfall. I peer down and I’m thankful for the change in topic. Jumping off this cliff is easier than expressing my foreign feelings for my hostel mates.
Glancing back up at our surroundings, I don’t see anyone around, which is perfect timing on our part.
Every time we’re here together, we end our trip by not only making this trek, but jumping into the lake at the bottom. It’s a rush of excitement knowing we shouldn’t be doing it but the fall itself is at least a couple hundred yards down.
When you finally hit the water after the freefall it’s addictingly cleansing.
Even so, taking the leap still makes my heart pound out of my chest and I love the adrenaline.
We both look down over the cliff. “Is my eyesight going bad or does it look further than usual this year?”
My lips form a tight line. “It does, actually. But I think it’s less our eyesight and more our old age.”
“You first this time?” he asks.
“Ehhhh, maybe you can go first,” I squeak out.
As we debate, voices echo between the trees and I can tell there’s a large group making their way up. It sounds like a park ranger on a megaphone giving a tour.
Hell, it’s probably the fucking CGA group haunting me here too.
“Oh, shit,” Kobi says as he looks over his shoulder then back at me.
Time to go.
Both of us jump at the same time, leaping over the edge.
A profound sense of freedom rushes through me, replacing the initial fear and it’s exhilarating.
Falling is the scariest, yet most intoxicating feeling I have ever experienced.
The last few days with the two of them have felt exactly the same, except instead of my body, it’s my heart.
Which is not nearly as strong in handling an impact.
Regardless, I know whatever happens it’s going to be worth the fall and I want to share everything I feel with them.
My eyes roam over my gorgeous surroundings and I feel grateful for another amazing summer, knowing I have one more extraordinary night to experience before heading home.
I expel all the breath from my lungs as I hit the lake and allow the water to wash over me in waves, feeling refreshed physically and emotionally. I’m ready to dive in head first with them, if they’ll have me.