FOUR
Aliya
PRESENT
I leave Mr. Nelson’s office after turning in my science project about neuroplasticity. To realize my goals after graduation, I need to remain the best in my grade.
After being left last night in a rage, I had no choice but to contact my mother. I had to listen to a big lecture about how disrespectful and ungrateful it was of me to walk out of the awards ceremony without a word, even though Mr. Shane is the one providing me with a qualified education.
Of course, I kept to myself the fact that I was busy with his son and his friends while Mr. Shane was giving his speech.
My anger boils when I think back to their amused expressions. As if it wasn’t enough that he had threatened me, the three of them had the nerve to leave me standing somewhere in the middle of nowhere, even though I’d helped them.
And even though I could snap their necks, I know that my fury can’t lead to anything other than an empty threat. As soon as Milan stands in front of me nearly six feet tall, I’m intimidated and can’t get a word past my lips.
I barely slept all night.
I will destroy you.
Until now, I’ve been an invisible shell at school, unnoticed by anyone. The fact that I attracted the Legions’ attention with my actions is probably the biggest mistake of my life.
But despite Milan’s threat yesterday, they didn’t give me a second glance today. Perhaps they have already forgotten about the incident. Nevertheless, I must be careful not to attract attention.
I make my way to the craft room to continue with my sculpture. In the late afternoon, most of the students in the wood sculpting club prefer to spend their time in the break hall, so I have the workroom to myself.
I take my wooden sculpture from the shelf, which already shows the individual blossoms of a lotus flower. I have to carve the finishing touches, then I’m done with my sculpture.
Normally we have specific clothes that we wear when we work so that our school uniforms don’t get dirty. But as I don’t have much more to do anyway, I put on a smock and sit down at the table. With the carving knife in my hand, I concentrate on the curling of the petals.
My gaze falls on my cobbled fingers.
For many people, wood carving is simply a leisure activity.
A hobby.
For me, however, it has a different meaning.
When the knife in my hand accidentally slips and I cut my fingers bloody so the pain in my hands briefly drowns out the pain in my soul, I find refuge.
It sounds disturbing when I think about slicing my fingers intentionally just to stop the roaring in my head, but this is my way of finding a balance for the emptiness.
You can cover up scars with bandages, but the wounds in my soul aren’t so simple to heal.
The best thing about this activity is that everyone around me thinks I’ve hurt myself carving wood again, when in truth I’m doing it on purpose.
I must be broken.
“Get out of here. I’m not in the mood right now.”
Raelyn Davis and Michael Cook enter the workroom but pay no attention to me.
“Come on, Ray.” Michael pushes her onto the couch, which is in front of the window.
“Touch me again and I’ll rip your dirty hands off, Cook,” she speaks calmly. “Go find something useful to do instead of hanging off my ass.”
“Woah, I got it. Everything’s cool. No need to get so worked up.” Michael lets go of her and raises his hands innocently. “I’m leaving already.”
With these words, he disappears from the workroom, leaving Raelyn and me alone.
Long eyelashes, full lips and a small smudge on the edge of her ocean eyes make up the beauty in front of me.
The same navy blue skirt I’m wearing hangs flawlessly over her knees and contrasts with the white shirt. Over it, she wears the dark blue school blazer with the initial S artfully embroidered on it.
Her blonde hair falls down her back in curls as she sits down and puts a cigarette between her lips.
“You’re not allowed to smoke here,” I remind her.
Raelyn is not part of the club, so in the first place she has no right to be in here. But the fact that she now also has the audacity to smoke gets on my nerves. The smoke can get caught in the wooden sculptures and leave an odor behind.
The workroom is one of the few rooms at the SVH that doesn’t have a fire alarm, as people sometimes work with fire here. But when this happens, the wooden sculptures get displaced. That’s why many smokers who don’t feel like going outdoors tend to smoke here.
Raelyn raises an eyebrow with the cigarette between her lips before lighting it provocatively anyway. “Did you say something?”
She leans back, a slight smile on her face as she slowly blows out the smoke. I press my lips into a straight line and turn back to my sculpture.
It’s useless.
Raelyn Davis and I don’t speak. Not anymore.
We went to the same middle school, just like Shin Masuda.
While I had nothing to do with Shin, Raelyn was very close to me in my first years of middle school, but one day we stopped talking.
After that, there was a certain incident where I hit the principal’s son with a chair. He was 25 years old and had tried to assault me. He knew that no one would believe me if I were to tell anyone about what he had done.
I was lonely, reserved and damn quiet. I already knew what it felt like to be the center of attention and try to convince the people around you of something, but all the effort is pointless.
That’s why I kept quiet, because silence has always been the best solution to all my problems.
He deserved to be beaten, I don’t regret that at all, but in the end, I almost got kicked out of school if Raelyn hadn’t stood up for me.
She claimed that he had also tried to assault her and of course she was believed. Raelyn has lots of friends, is a socially open person and comes from a wealthy family that cares about her.
At least that’s how it was back then.
So, the principal’s son was sentenced to three years in prison for attempted sexual abuse of minors. He should be out by now, but he can burn in hell for all I care.
We never talked about it. We used to be friends, but now we’re nothing but strangers attending the same school.
I’ve changed, but she’s changed too over the last few years.
Everyone used to want to be friends with her, but now she hardly has anyone around her. On the contrary, most girls loathe her or try to fool her. There are rumors going around that she sleeps with guys who are taken. She’s also on very good terms with the Legions, which makes her even more unbearable for me. When she’s not making out with some guy, she’s hanging out with the trio of the SVH.
And although we used to be friends, I can’t stand the current Raelyn.
Back then, I had completely lost the will to live until I met Lio.
The memories of the past make my stomach queasy, and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Every time I think about the dark period in my life, it plunges me back into the black hole from which Lio pulled me out with great effort.
My grip on the carving knife tightens as everything seems to catch up to me again.
But I’m no longer a child. I actually lost the innocent child inside me the night I tried to take my own life.
A sharp pain takes me out of my thoughts and my gaze falls on the bandage on my finger, which is slowly turning red.
I did it again.
A look of relaxation flits across my face and satisfaction slowly spreads through my body.
Raelyn doesn’t even seem to notice me as I reach for a tissue and wrap it around my finger. I don’t want to soil my sculpture.
With my clean hand, I put things away, grab my bag and make my way to the bathroom.
Although the pain on my finger stopped my dark thoughts for a short time, the sting wasn’t deep enough to extinguish them completely. The only person who would manage to free me isn’t here right now.
After washing my hands, I dial his number with trembling fingers, only to hear his warm voice again. One more time.
“Hey, it’s me. Lio. Leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you later.”
I lower my phone with a disappointed look and hang up after the beep.
I didn’t expect him to magically pick up, but every time I dial his number, I can’t contain that tiny hope inside me that still thinks, after all this time, that he’ll get back to me someday, just like he says in his voicemail.
It’s been three years since I met Lio and almost a year since I last saw him.
I don’t know where he is, what he’s doing, why I’ve only been able to speak to his voicemail for a year now, but I miss him.
He not only saved my life, but also showed me that I’m not alone. I’m sure he had enough of me at some point and that’s why he drew a line, but it still hurts to know that for the first time in my life I found refuge in a person who is now ignoring me. I thought we were friends.
I remove the wet bandages from my finger and reach for the packet in my bag to take out new ones. I roll up my right sleeve but freeze when I can’t make out the band with the pink tag.
It’s no longer there.
A feeling of dread runs through me as I roll up my sleeve further, hoping it’s just hiding under my clothes. But no, both wrists are bare.
This bracelet means everything to me.
Panicked, I reach for my bag and rummage through it to find the silver piece of jewelry, but all in vain. It’s gone.
My thoughts are racing.
Last night.
Midtown.
The Tyrrells.
Shin, Damian and Milan.
I grind my teeth as I realize I most likely lost it yesterday.
Fuck.