TWELVE
Aliya
PRESENT
… It was dark. Dark around me and inside me.
The night was silent, almost suffocating.
Empty, lost and broken.
The strong smell of alcohol in my nose and the heavy weight on my chest. It was so hard to breathe. Every single breath hurt.
I was so scared.
My mother’s disappointed eyes burned on my skin, her voice scratched my ears.
And I wanted to die. Should die. The thought is so tempting and comforting.
Everything will be better when I’m dead. Everything will be fine.
No pain, no fear. Just peace.
What’s stopping me from ending all this?
Why should I still be alive if I no longer have a reason to be?
Life isn’t fair to me anyway …
“What are you doing?”
Adena’s voice snaps me out of my trance, causing me to reflexively close the small black notebook in my hand. She sits down in front of me and stares at the book.
“What have you been reading? Is that a diary?” She waggles her eyebrows to tease me.
But I’m still too shocked by the fact that I was so engrossed in my own notes that I didn’t even notice her presence.
“It’s not a diary,” I mutter, tucking it away in my bag.
It’s a letter. A letter to myself.
The letter of silence.
It can’t judge me for my actions and thoughts. It can’t look at me with a disappointed look when I tell it that I sometimes long to die.
All it does is remain silent.
And silence is my medicine.
“What is it then?”
“It’s nothing, just some notes for school.”
Adena doesn’t look convinced. “Hmm, if you say so.”
I usually spend my lunch breaks alone, but Adena’s friends aren’t here today, so she won’t leave me in peace.
But maybe it’s just a good thing that she’s snapped me out of my trance-like state.
My little black notebook, which holds all my secrets, used to have a much bigger place in my life. Lately, I hardly write in it, but every now and then I read the entries I’ve already written down.
“I bought two new bikinis yesterday. I have to show them to you!”
I’m glad she’s changing the topic, but now I have to think about him , which doesn’t make things any better.
The images of last Friday appear like a flash before my eyes as he pressed me hard against the edge of the table. How he cut open my T-shirt and exposed me. His hand and the knife under my skirt.
An inexplicable tingle creeps through my body again.
Damn it.
It’s been five days since the incident, but my body is still electrified every time I think back.
I shake my head.
He was just trying to intimidate and control me because that sick psychopath knows nothing else. Nevertheless, he’s my only connection to Lio.
So, I have to go to his fucking party.
“Will you take me to the party?” I ask again as I reach for my water bottle.
It hurts my pride that I have to ask so desperately.
Adena’s typing on her phone stops, she hesitates. “I’m already going with some girls from the class. Unfortunately, we don’t have any seats left in the car.”
Of course she doesn’t have a seat for me.
Why did I expect anything else?
Instead, she holds her screen in front of me. A light blue and a brown bikini are shown on it. While I drink, I look at them.
“Definitely the blue one.”
I almost choke on my water when Milan’s voice comes from right behind me. I turn my head to the side to see that he’s leaned down toward me and is also staring over my shoulder at Adena’s phone.
When his eyes meet mine, a small smile flits across his lips.
“Oh, then I’ll wear the blue one!” Adena’s face lights up.
Damian and Shin appear behind Milan. Or rather, Damian, dragging Shin along by his arm.
“But I don’t want to.”
“Shut up, Shinichiro.”
Milan sits down in the empty seat next to me, while Damian sits down next to Adena, forcing Shin to sit beside him, who is obviously not here by choice.
“You don’t mind if we join you, right, ladies? All the other tables are taken.” Damian winks at Adena, who blushes instantly.
“Of course not.”
I let my gaze wander around the break hall and see that the basketball players’ table isn’t even halfway occupied. They could sit with them, but of course they like to turn my life into an incarnate hell.
Some of them are already looking in our direction, so I look back to the front. I try to ignore Milan’s presence next to me. But it’s hard when he’s sitting so damn close to me. His knee is almost touching mine and I can feel his body heat radiating off me.
“What was your name again?” Damian puts his arm around Adena, who’s probably doing somersaults inside.
“Adena.”
I’m sure he’ll forget her name in a few minutes. He only ever calls me Servant because he probably doesn’t know my name.
Milan doesn’t know my name either. The last time he tried to call me by my name, he called me Alina.
“I agree with Shane. The blue one will suit you. But do you know what would look even better?”
“What?”
Damian whispers in her ear. We can’t hear what he says, but whatever it is, it makes Adena gasp and her cheeks turn even redder.
He leans back, a satisfied grin on his face as he looks at me. “We haven’t seen each other for a long time, Servant. Are you coming to the party too?”
The fact that he still calls me that provokes me. The last time we saw each other, he had a knife pressed to my throat.
“I don’t know yet.”
Adena gasps for air. “You know each other?”
“She didn’t tell you?” Damian clicks his tongue. There’s a belligerent gleam in his eye. “She’s very close to us. Isn’t that so, Servant?”
I squint my eyes but don’t answer.
She looks confused and tries to figure out what’s going on between us. And I’m sure by tomorrow the rumor will start that I’m sleeping with the Legions.
“You want to come to the party?” Milan’s voice snaps me back to reality. His expression is bold and calm, but his gaze burns like fire on my skin.
I nod slowly.
“Milan,” Shin interjects with a warning undertone.
“Why?” he asks me instead.
Why? I can’t tell him that I’m planning to search his house for information.
“I asked her if she’d like to come with me. We’re coming together!”
Confused, I look at Adena, who smiles innocently at me.
I thought she didn’t have any room in the car. What is she trying to do here?
She probably thinks I’m close to the Legions in some way and wants to profit from that. But she helped me, so whatever.
I look over at Milan, who is watching me intently. I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to figure out my true motives. “Is that so?”
“Yes,” I answer firmly. “I’m coming to the party with Adena.”
“Good.” A slight smirk spreads across his face. “I’m looking forward to seeing you in a bikini.”
Adena’s mouth opens a crack as the blush runs into my cheeks. But I try to hide my reaction.
Then he’ll be disappointed, because I’m definitely not wearing a bikini. I’m going to the party for Lio, and not to please Milan Shane.
Damian rests his arm on the back of Adena’s chair and looks at me with a mischievous smile.
I glance at Shin, who stares back darkly.
Although he’s the most harmless of the three, he’s the only one who seems to want to kill me alive at the moment.
I know exactly why he hasn’t been able to stand me for years, but to be honest, I can’t really blame him.
He huffs and looks at Milan. “I’m going to the others.”
I assume that means the basketball players.
Milan doesn’t say anything in reply, but Damian pulls Shin back just as he’s about to stand up.
“Let go of me right now.”
“What’s wrong?” Adena looks confused between Shin and Damian.
“ShinShin is afraid that Servant will h-” Damian can’t finish his sentence as Shin presses his hand over his mouth.
“Don’t you dare.”
Damian gives a muffled laugh under Shin’s hand.
I draw my eyebrows together in confusion. What did he just want to say? It obviously had something to do with me.
“What do you mean-” I fall silent as a cold hand rests on my bare thigh. My eyes widen and I stiffen as Milan’s hand slowly moves under my skirt.
Not again.
I look at him, but he stares straight ahead, his face expressionless. But his hand continues to move slowly and deliberately. Shin and Damian are discussing something I’m no longer aware of, while Adena watches them.
The flame inside me, which cannot be contained, flares up and heats my face. I can feel this uninvited reaction spreading across my cheeks. As if on cue, I squeeze my legs together and place my hands on his to stop him from going any higher.
With my head down, I stare at his large left hand as it takes full possession of my right thigh. Just as I try to remove it from my leg, I notice the small tattoo on his middle finger.
A lotus flower.
Just like the pendant on my bracelet.
“What do you think about that, Servant? Isn’t that right?” Damian snaps me out of my thoughts so that I stare up at him with glowing cheeks.
“Uh, what?”
Milan releases his hand from my grip and disappears completely under my skirt. I can feel his fingers stroking my sensitive skin and sending a tingling sensation through my body. With great effort, I try not to make a sound that could give me away. Meanwhile, I try to stop him from making any nonsense under my skirt.
“Shinichiro is a coward, isn’t he?”
I try to focus on Damian’s question, but my mind is elsewhere.
“How many times do I have to tell you? Do. Not. Call. Me. That!”
Milan pinches my thigh, eliciting a gasp from me. Tiny shivers run down my skin and spine.
“Do you only want me to call you ShinShin? That’s fine too.”
“ShinShin?” Adena asks, confused.
“His mother always calls him that,” Damian explains.
Their words barely register in my brain. Milan’s fingers slide to the inside of my thighs as he pushes them apart to clear a path to my center.
“ShinShin? That’s so sweet!”
“Isn’t it? Our ShinShin is the cutest!”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“No!” I blurt out, louder than I intended.
The conversation comes to a standstill as everyone’s eyes turn to me.
Adena looks confused at my outburst. “No? What do you mean?”
I feel a wave of embarrassment wash over me. Shaking my head, I try to suppress the question. “It’s nothing.”
She gives me a wry look before turning back to Damian and Shin, who are arguing about something again.
Either I’ve really lost my mind for good or I’m suppressing all the cloudy uncertainty gnawing at my soul. And although I know that the cold shiver that runs down my spine is the beginning of a fatal mistake, I turn off my common sense.
And I let it happen.
I allow his hand to move obscenely higher between my thighs.
He leans toward me, but I don’t dare look at him. His warm breath tickles the skin under my ear. My body burns with pure lust.
And I can’t stop it.
For a moment, I don’t care if the others are watching or if they can sense what his touch is stirring in me.
My breaths come quick and shallow, and it’s a wonder no one at the table has noticed yet.
Milan runs a finger over the fabric of my panties, rubbing slowly up and down. Drip.
He uses this moment to press two of his fingers against me and apply firm pressure through the thin fabric. I gasp softly and my eyes widen at this unexpected stimulation.
“Such a good girl. You’re already dripping wet for me .”
The words he whispers in my ear only fuel the fire, and all I want is let go and surrender to the intense desire he evokes.
I can feel my juices soaking my panties and making them stick to my sensitive folds.
The bell rings, signaling the end of the lunch break.
Damian rises from his seat. “What do we have now?”
“History,” answers Shin.
Damian groans in annoyance before turning to Milan. “Shane, you’re coming-”
He pauses as he looks at both of us.
A sudden flash pierces my thoughts, like a bright light in the darkness, and I suddenly realize what I’m doing here.
Milan Shane’s hand is between my legs.
Only a piece of fabric separates his fingers from my most sensitive spot.
Within seconds, I pull his hand away from me, straighten my skirt and stand up with trembling legs. Without saying anything or giving anyone a glance, I grab my bag and almost run out of the break room.
I’m angry, confused and more than a little aroused.
I can still feel the ghost of Milan’s touch, the way his fingers were so close to my intimate parts. And the worst thing is that I wanted more of it.
When I reach the toilet, I rush into the nearest cubicle and close the door behind me. I sink down onto the closed toilet seat, bury my face in my hands and try to calm my racing thoughts.
What the hell just happened?
No, I don’t want to think about it.
I can’t think about it.
What on earth has gotten into me? I would never do something like that. Never .
I must be damned.
Damned by Milan fucking Shane.
I’ve never thought much of life.
So the fact that I led a quiet and inconspicuous school life never bothered me. On the contrary, I was perfectly fine with the fact that everyone at SVH avoided me like a ghost.
However, one tiny little mistake not only turned my quiet life completely upside down, but also fundamentally changed my behavior.
Three years ago, I slapped Shin for touching my shoulder, but today I willingly let Milan’s hand up my skirt. In public.
The more I think about it, the more absurd and shameful it sounds.
And it all just happened because I scratched his goddamn car at the wrong time.
After the lunch break, I have excused myself from the rest of today’s lessons by saying I have a fever and am now on my way home.
On the bus, I head to the back seat, put on my headphones, and let my gaze fall on a certain blonde.
As always, her school uniform looks immaculate and carefully ironed, while at the same time allowing a glimpse of her long, slender legs. Her golden blonde hair falls perfectly over her shoulders. She sits there in an elegant posture, radiating pure perfection.
Raelyn Davis is beautiful despite her shady character.
I’m amazed by the fact that she sits in an old, shabby bus during school hours. With her flawless appearance, she stands out among the crowd on the bus.
Her serious gaze is fixed on her phone. She probably hasn’t even noticed that I’m on the same bus as her.
The Davis family is just as well known as the Shanes, Reynolds or Dallas. The fact that the youngest Davis daughter takes the bus instead of being picked up by a chauffeur must not only seem strange to me.
I look out of the window while Lana Del Rey’s Cinnamon Girl fills my ears.
A few stops later, Raelyn gets off the bus.
She cautiously lets her eyes wander over the street.
The area is rough, with graffiti on every wall and garbage piled up in the gutters. She straightens her skirt and keeps her head down to avoid drawing attention. What is she looking for here?
She walks toward a black Range Rover parked on the corner of the street. I assume her chauffeur or a family member is waiting for her, but when the chauffeur opens the back door, someone else steps out.
The strange man is tall and towers over her by several heads. His broad, muscular body is clad in a tailored suit, the fabric clinging to his figure in a way that suggests masculinity. His dark hair is neatly combed back, the gray strands at his temples along with his freshly shaved beard lend him an air of authority.
I furrow my eyebrows in confusion as he places his hand on the lower part of her back and guides her into the Range Rover. She follows him without showing any resistance. Her emotionless face remains unchanged and the perfect aura that always surrounds her doesn’t fade for a moment.
I grew up in Belmont.
In the midst of rapists, thieves and pedophiles.
The fact that a girl like Raelyn takes the bus to Belmont during school hours, even though she doesn’t live here, and then meets a suspicious older man sets alarm bells ringing in my ears.
As the bus picks up speed again, I lose sight of the Range Rover.
Why do I even care?
Last time she was also in the arms of an unknown man late at night, even if it was part of the Legions’ plan.
Raelyn is a mystery that I will probably never unravel. She does what she wants without paying attention to others. In fact, she is very similar to the Legions.
Three stops later, I also get off the bus and walk the last stretch home. At the door, I dig out my house keys and enter our home.
“You’re home already?” My mother comes to the door and stares at the clock, confused. It’s unusual for me to be home early. I usually have school until late in the afternoon.
“My teacher is ill, that’s why the classes have been canceled,” I lie.
I can’t tell her that I’m skipping class because her business partner’s son decided to almost make me climax during the lunch break by touching me under my skirt.
The flush is noticeable on my cheeks again and I clear my throat to take my mind off things.
“I’ve cooked. Are you hungry?”
I nod and follow her into the kitchen.
My mother hands me a plate of fried chicken and Caesar salad.
I thank her and start eating. But instead of leaving me alone, she sits down opposite me and starts a conversation.
“How do you like your school? Have you managed to get used?”
“Yes. It’s fine.”
I’ve been attending the SVH for years, but it’s good that she now thinks to ask me if it’s going well.
“Glad to hear it. We should give Mr. Shane something as a thank you for sponsoring you. What do you think?”
“It’s probably a bit late, but why not?”
Every time before she confesses something that doesn’t sit well with me at all, she talks a lot of unnecessary stuff to prepare me.
“By the way, I managed to get the wine stain out of your blazer. You like it so much, right? It’s a good thing the waiter you ran into only had a full glass in his hand and not a whole tray.”
My blazer, which was defaced by bumping into Milan Shane and not because I ran into a waiter. But she doesn’t need to know that.
“Thanks.”
I shove another fork into my mouth while she kneads her hands nervously. She’s about to confess whatever she’s hiding this time and ruin the rest of my day.
Whose awards ceremony do I have to accompany her to this time? Reynolds? Davis?
“How does the salad taste?”
“Mother, stop with the weird questions. What’s going on? Is it about another gala?”
She sighs. “No, it’s something else.”
I should be happy about this, but instead a queasy feeling runs through my body.
“Daniel’s coming back to Detroit next week.”
I drop my fork and stare at her with wide eyes, hoping my hearing is playing tricks on me.
“He had some difficulties with his new employer. That’s why Robert and I decided it would be better if he returned home for a while and …”
The rest of her words don’t reach me. The kitchen seems to be shrinking around me, the walls moving closer by the second.
A wave of nausea washes over me. The contents of my stomach heave and threaten to escape from my body.
I jerk my chair back and stand up, the urge to vomit becomes unbearable. I rush into the bathroom and fall to my knees in front of the toilet. The contents of my stomach pour into the bowl. I clutch the rim, my body wracked with cramps as I can’t stop letting it all out.
Daniel comes back.