SEVENTEEN
Aliya
THREE YEARS AGO
“Isn’t that the psycho bitch who hit Mr. Jameson?”
I hear whispering behind me, but I don’t let it bother me.
Psycho bitch.
One month. Just one more month and I won’t see any of these people – unless we go to the same high school.
“Have you heard about it? She cut her hair like a lunatic in the girls’ restroom. Isn’t that creepy?”
Creepy because I wanted to get rid of everything he touched.
Creepy because I cut off my hair, which he thought was so beautiful.
Oh yeah, I am creepy.
The nickname psycho bitch describes me pretty well.
“She looks so ugly.”
“Shh, she’ll hear you.”
“I wonder why she didn’t get kicked out of school in the first place. We won’t see Mr. Jameson again before we graduate because of her.”
“I met her mother in the principal’s office yesterday. Poor woman, she was all embarrassed. She probably had to beg him to let psycho bitch graduate.”
“Yeah, my parents are on the PTA and they told me about it. They want me to stay away from her. You never know what she’s going to do next.”
Parents warn their children and advise them to stay away from me. Because I resisted touches I didn’t want. Because I defended myself. Because I wanted it to end.
Oh yeah, I must be a real threat.
“My mother always says that’s what happens when you grow up without a father. I bet her dad must be turning in his grave by now.”
I pause in my movement.
All this time, her words haven’t touched me.
They can insult me, throw accusations at me, hurt me physically if it makes them feel better, but I can’t let them drag my father into this.
I spin to face them, causing both girls to stop abruptly.
“Don’t you dare drag my father into this.” My voice sounds menacingly harsh.
The taller one flinches, while the other grins at me. “Why? Are you going to hit us with a chair like you hit Mr. Jameson?”
I ball my hand into a fist, holding back. If I dare get violent toward another person, I really will get kicked out of school. Even my mother’s begging won’t help.
“Hey Cissy, let’s go.” Her friend tries to pull her along, but she frees herself from her grip.
“If you think we’re afraid of you, you’re wrong. I can do whatever I want. I won’t take orders from someone who doesn’t even have friends.”
My bottom lip trembles and my heartbeat thunders in my ears. “Just leave my father out of it.”
I wish I was made of stone. Then I could just turn off the pressure in my chest and the thoughts in my head. Although I can overlook a lot of things by now, the mention of my father gives me mixed emotions.
“Cissy!”
“What’s wrong? She’s seriously messing with me! She probably doesn’t realize that she’ll be alone forever. Do us all a favor and just go die!” she shouts after me as they turn the corner of the corridor.
Go die.
And they say middle school teenagers can’t be mean.
Telling a person who struggles every day with the idea of ending her life to die isn’t fair.
None of this is fair.
But when has life ever been good to me?
I leave the building with slumped shoulders. It’s raining, but I don’t have an umbrella.
She’ll be alone forever.
The saddest part of the whole thing is that I can’t even deny it. I will probably stay alone forever and end my life just as lonely as I live it.
Because maybe they’re right.
Maybe I’m actually not the victim in this story. Maybe it’s all my fault, and maybe that’s why life isn’t treating me well.
A lump forms in my throat as a drop makes its way down my cheek. Only now do I realize it’s not the rain that’s dampening my face.
It’s tears.
And it’s a spectacle, because I haven’t cried since the night I tried to end my life. So why am I doing it now of all times?
“There you are.” Lio’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts as I look up at him, confused.
Why is he here?
He’s completely soaked from the rain, his dark hair sticking to his forehead.
“You didn’t answer me. I thought something had happened to you. Is it strange that I waited for you outside your school? I can understand if-”
He stops talking, his eyes widening. “What happened, little one?”
And maybe it’s the fact that he’s here or that he’s looking at me so worried. Either way, I let it all out. All the feelings I’ve been suppressing for weeks.
Lio grabs my wrist and pulls me with him.
I don’t know where we’re going, but I trust him. I’m sorry that he’s always the one who has to deal with my problems and comfort me.
I’ve been holding back from contacting him the whole week because I didn’t want to be a burden, but now he’s here. Because of me.
We stand under a covered bus stop to shelter from the rain. He forces me to sit down while he crouches in front of me to be at the same eye level as me.
But I instinctively avoid his gaze.
“Hey, little one.” His voice is so much softer than usual, as if he’s afraid of hurting me. “Can you look at me?”
I look at him hesitantly.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying.” I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand.
“Liar.” He smiles and tilts his head. “New haircut? Suits you.”
I know my short hair looks anything but good. He’s probably lying to cheer me up.
“They told me I look ugly at school.”
“Then they must be blind. You look cute.” He pats my hair and messes it up.
“Now tell me what made you sad.” His gaze turns serious again now as he waits for me to answer him.
I chew on my lower lip and try to control my shaking hands. “I’ve been feeling … lonely.”
I can’t tell him that the thought of hurting me has crossed my mind. Not after everything he’s done for me.
“You have me. You’re not lonely.”
His words are so simple, but they mean so much to me.
“We’re friends, aren’t we? That means we’re there for each other. Whether in bad times or good. You’re not alone.”
My eyes fill with tears again, which I blink away.
They were wrong.
I am not alone. I have a Lio by my side who is capable of replacing thousands of other people.
My voice trembles. “Forever?”
He smiles and a dimple appears on his right cheek. “I promise. I’ll always be there for you, little one.”
Only he manages to warm my heart and pull me out of a complete darkness. Lio is and always will be my hero. Because he is the only one, I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world.
“And don’t forget, no matter how hard-”
I interrupt him. “No matter how hard life may be at times, one day it will get easier. One day, everything will be easier.”
“Exactly.” The fact that I remember his words by heart makes him smile proudly.
He said these words to me back then when he saved my life. After that, I never tried to put an end to everything again, but he saved me so many more times.
Saved me from myself, because I am my worst enemy.
He stands up and stretches after squatting for so long. “Now let’s talk about something else.”
Lio sits down next to me and crosses his arms in front of his chest as we watch the rain drench all of Detroit.
“Talk about what?" I ask.
“Let me think … Do you have pets?”
His question is completely unexpected and out of context, but I know he’s just trying to distract me.
“No.”
“I have a cat.”
“A cat? What’s its name?”
Lio gives me a quick sideways glance. “… Lady Jane.”
A chuckle escapes me. “That’s a strange name.”
“Hey, don’t laugh at me. She’s a real lady, I swear.”
“And why Jane?”
He brushes his wet hair out of his face. “This may come as a complete surprise to you, but I’m a Jane Austen fan.”
I have to suppress a smile. The fact that he named his cat after his favorite author is almost adorable. Honestly, I already thought he was a fan of classics.
“What’s your favorite book?”
“I like Sense and Sensibility. But my all-time favorite is The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky."
Although I could ask him questions about his family, university or friends, I have the feeling that knowing about his cat and his favorite book is far more precious.