Chapter 27 #3
For the first time, the intensity that is so intrinsically part of me doesn’t seem like a bad thing. It feels like a gift. What a joy, to experience the world so richly, live so vibrantly, love so deeply.
And deep inside, my Cognitive Resonance sings with a perfect note of certainty. An inexorable knowing, confirming what my heart already understands. This is the absolute, unvarnished truth.
A sob catches in my throat, but it’s a happy sound.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I choke out, a single tear escaping and tracing a path down my cheek. He brushes it away with a touch so gentle it makes my heart ache.
“I thought I could resist you.” Kade drops his forehead to rest against mine. We breathe the same air, caught in our own private world. “Shows how fucking smart I am, I guess. And I didn’t want to scare you any more than you already were, with all the Lycan and mate stuff.”
A watery laugh escapes me. “I think I need to do some serious reading.”
He lets out a choked laugh of his own. “I’ll get you all the books, Librarian. Promise.”
He pulls back, his smile fading, and the raw vulnerability returns. “I don’t deserve you. Not after everything. But I want you, Alanna. You already have me—body, mind, and soul. If this is too much, if I already fucked it up . . . I’ll let you go. Just say the word.”
He’s giving me an out. After everything, after confessing his all-consuming love for me, he’s still making sure I know I have a choice.
He believes he doesn’t deserve me, sees only his failures.
But that’s not what I see. I see a formidable man, a lethal predator, who chooses, every single day, to be a protector.
I see the grit and the goodness it took to survive a century of grief without letting it turn him cruel.
And after spending every waking moment together for weeks, I can hardly imagine my life without his stubborn loyalty, his dry wit, and the fierce, unwavering heart he tries so hard to hide.
I love his ruthless competence, and the way he challenges me to ground my intellect in reality.
And I love that beneath all his discipline, he is wild and intense—a man with a fire that burns just as hot as my own.
And I know, with absolute conviction, that letting him go is not an option.
“You stubborn wolf,” I murmur, my voice thick with unshed tears. I close the distance he created, and my hands come up to frame his stubbled jaw. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He stares down at me, his expression a mixture of disbelief and desperation.
“I love you too,” I say. And then I rise on my toes, and I kiss him.
For a terrifying moment, he’s perfectly still under my lips, as if my touch might shatter him. Then, with a pained sound that’s half sob, half groan, he kisses me back.
It's not angry and bruising like before; this is a homecoming. His lips are soft and slow against mine, savoring. Full of all the desire he’s been holding back, all the longing.
If I’d had any doubts remaining, they would be chased away by the way he kisses me.
I tremble, melting into the achingly gentle press of his lips as his hands carefully hold my face.
We fall into each other, the outside world fading away until nothing remains but us, and this moment.
He slides his hands from my face to my hair, tangling in the loose strands and tilting my head back to deepen the kiss.
This is what I’ve been craving in my dreams, what my body has been starving for.
The solid wall of his chest against mine, the strength in his arms clutching me to him, the overwhelming sense that I am finally, finally, exactly where I’m supposed to be.
The taste of him makes me dizzy, rich and crisp all at once, and something so intrinsically Kade that it feels like I’ve been waiting for it my entire life.
He breaks away to search my face, as though he’s worried I’ve changed my mind.
“I forgive you,” I whisper into his mouth, ghosting his lips with a featherlight kiss. “I love you.”
“I’ll never leave you again. I’ll never hurt you again. You’ll never question how much I care about you again. You’ll see. I promise. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He repeats it like a chant, tightening his arms around me like he’s afraid I’ll disappear.
Tears prick as I weave my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. “I believe you.”
His eyes are deep wells of sorrow, darkened with a savage hunger that rivals the echo-beast’s. My heart stammers at the force of it.
“You don’t have to hold back anymore. I want this. I want you. It’s not going to get me hurt, or mean you won’t be able to protect me. It’s just us, together. I’m your—mate—and I need you.”
Almost as soon as the word mate is out of my mouth, there’s a shift in Kade.
His mouth is suddenly on mine again, with a ravenous fervor.
I kiss him back, pouring all my desire into it, making sure he knows how much I want him, how much I’ve been aching for him all this time.
He groans into my mouth, a low and decadent sound that sends goosebumps cascading across my flesh.
Then his lips leave mine, kissing a hot trail along my jaw, his rough stubble against my skin.
He tugs my hair lightly, urging me to tilt my head back and give him full access, then his mouth descends on my throat, hot and urgent, his tongue laving the sensitive skin at my neck.
I clutch at him, unable to stop my fingers from curling in his long brown hair.
Soon I’m gasping, my nipples hardening as he sucks and licks, the wet heat of his tongue tracing the column of my throat.
I arch my back, wanting more, needing to feel his touch, his tongue, his body, everywhere.
He is unrelenting, consuming me until I’m writhing against him. Just like the first time, something deep inside me begs for this, calls out for more, wants to feel not only his lips but the sting of his teeth, here. I want him to bite me.
“Kade, I need—” I don’t even know how to ask for this. “Is this when you bite me?”
His mouth stutters on my neck and I feel a slight prick of his teeth before his entire body convulses, and he pulls back. “Alanna.” His voice is a ragged purr. “You can’t say things like that to me.”
His pupils are blown out, totally black, and he’s breathing heavily, staring wolfishly at the spot on my neck where I feel like I need his teeth.
“Aren’t you going to?” I ask, breathless.
A tortured noise escapes him, and he says through gritted teeth, “Not today. You only just found out about all of this. You need—time. To be sure.” He looks at me like I’m his savior and his torment. “And fuck Alanna, you have to stop saying it or I’ll lose my mind.”
“I want it,” I say, recklessly. “I want you to bite me.”
“Fuck.”
The guttural exclamation sends a wicked thrill through me, and my core pulses with need. I imagine the weight of his body on mine, his cock pushing inside, filling me, fucking me while his teeth sink into my neck, biting me and claiming me for all time.
With a dark warning in his expression, Kade grips my hair tighter than before, holding me in place, and heady exhilaration floods me as I think he’s going to do it.
But there’s a conflict in his eyes. He’s fighting to deny himself—and the effort is costing him.
Lost in whatever insanity has come over me, I arch my neck a little more toward him.
He wrenches his focus away from my throat, holding my gaze and growling, “I’m not biting you today, you little temptress. But another time, if you still want me to—” The shadows in his eyes deepen, pulling me in until I’m engulfed in them. “I won’t hold back. I’ll ruin you. And you’ll love it.”
Then he lunges for my neck anyway, dragging his tongue across the skin. But rather than biting me, I feel him take a deep, shuddering inhale at the sensitive crook of my shoulder.
“God, you smell so fucking good. You always smell so good.”
Unable to stand the layers between us any longer, I scrabble at his shirt, tugging it up the hard plane of his abs, until he reaches down and tears it over his head in one swift movement. Then I press myself against him, feeling the sculpted landscape of his body. “More.”
His chest rumbles under my touch, the edges of his restraint unraveling. “I could smell every time you were aroused. It drove me fucking insane.”
My mouth rounds out in an O of surprise and my cheeks heat. All this time? All those days training, sitting at my research table, all my dreams—he knew? The thought is . . . exhilarating. To know that while we were discussing history or practicing defensive forms, he was seconds away from snapping.
But before I can dwell any further on this revelation, Kade is pushing me backward, dipping his head to take my mouth again. His tongue delves into my mouth, tangling with mine, all tentativeness from earlier forgotten. He doesn’t stop until the backs of my legs hit something solid—the bed.
He snakes his hands under the hem of my shirt, and the heat of his fingers sends wildfire through my veins. I help him pull it off, and kick off my pants for good measure, leaving me in only a thin bra made of blue lace and matching underwear.
Then he pulls back and reaches down to run his hands over my body, slowly, more deliberately than before.
As though he wants to memorize me, he watches himself trace his hand down my neck, along my collarbone.
His gaze lingers on the outline of my hard nipples beneath my bra, before his touch follows his gaze, his thumb tracing the upper curve of my breast.
“Perfect,” he murmurs reverently, then his palm covers me fully, his heat seeping through the thin lace. His hand tightens, squeezing, as his other hand smooths down my waist, then over the curve of my hip. There’s a proprietary nature to it that has me rubbing my thighs together.
“Mine.” His fingers dig into my hip, with nearly bruising force. “My mate.”