Chapter 40 #2
“Lucy. That’s not much better.”
“I know, and I am sorry that I completely, totally got in my own head and severely overreacted. It was not my best moment.”
He leans forward and breaks off some rosemary. The herbaceous smell rises from where he rolls the slender green leaves in his hands. “I wasn’t at my best either,” he said. “You were hurting, and I added to it instead of listening. I apologize too.”
We sit in silence. “Good talk,” I say to try to break the tension.
Rafe’s lips quirk up in a little smile. “I’ve been thinking about how we never decided the path we wanted to pursue. You and I, friends or more.”
“Okay.” Here it comes again, the sting of rejection that seems to be the calling card of any talk with Rafe.
“I should have said what I wanted at the beginning,” he said. “To me, we were never only friends. I was in love with you long before you were doing your magical perfumes. From that first day we went to the beach, it’s been all you and me, but I didn’t understand.”
I take some lavender for myself. “Can you tell me what you’re saying, exactly? What do you want from me?”
“We’re making the same mistake we did before,” he says.
“How so?” I add some tarragon to the mix, the licorice scent mixing with the floral of the lavender. A group of women walk by, laughing at the shirt one of them has bought, which is covered with cowgirls wearing bikini tops.
“We weren’t honest with each other from the beginning, and that’s why neither of us fully trusted the other. We said we were friends, best friends.” He clenches his hands. “The thing is, I always wanted more.”
“Always?”
“Yes.” He releases the rosemary and runs his hands over his thighs. “I was worried you were going to find a boyfriend. Do you remember Logan?”
I think back. “Logan?”
“Logan.”
“Logan,” I repeat. “Yes, from our grade 11 math class. With the hair.” Logan had long bangs styled in his face that, in retrospect, made him look like a gale-force wind was blowing at him from behind.
“With the hair.” Rafe’s mouth twists. “One day after class, I saw the two of you talking. That’s when I knew for certain I was in love.”
“You were jealous?” I ask, a deep sense of pleasure unfurling that he had been thinking about me as his. The way I’d always considered him mine.
“I wasn’t jealous you were talking to him.” He shakes his head. “I think it was dread, that if you got a boyfriend, you’d be gone from my life. I didn’t know what I’d do without you. Then I didn’t have a choice. You were gone and it was worse than I feared. You left me and I felt empty.”
It’s time for the question that’s haunted me. “Did you want me to kiss you? That time in the garden?”
He nods. “It was literally one of the best moments of my life, before I fucked it up. Lucy, here’s the truth. I want to date you. I want the relationship we might have had if we hadn’t blown it when we were young.”
“What if there’s no way to get around our history?”
“I don’t believe that.” His confidence takes me aback.
“What do you mean, you don’t believe it?”
He waves his wrist so I can smell the perfume. “This could be the most moli perfume you ever create, and it wouldn’t matter. It would have no effect on me, because I already found my true love.”
I melt to hear him say it, but… “It’s not true love. That’s not what my moli brings.”
“Sorry. What?”
“It’s your deepest desire. Your heart’s desire.” I explain my discovery.
Rafe’s eyebrows are high. “So you’re telling me true love…doesn’t…exist?”
“It still exists,” I assure him. Then I frown. “Doesn’t it? I mean, if you want love as your heart’s desire, doesn’t that still make it true love?”
He laughs. “For the sake of argument, let’s say yes so it doesn’t blow my big romantic speech.” Rafe reaches across but doesn’t touch me. Instead, he waits.
I’m the one to take his hand. My heart beats so hard I can barely make out my own thoughts.
“I want to try again, with you, the way we were meant to be,” he says.
“I love you, Luling. I always have. No matter what happens after this conversation, I probably always will. The thing is, you leave when things get hard, and I can’t deal with that.
Not anymore. Not when I want you in my life forever. ”
I don’t answer him with words. Instead, I lean in. When my lips touch his, it feels right. More right than anything I’ve ever felt. I shut my eyes and let that feeling take me over.
When we finally break apart, Rafe gives me a smile so shy it makes me laugh, given his usual confidence. “I want you in my life as well,” I say. “You said you talked to someone, and therapy seems like a good plan for me as well.”
Rafe looks at me, and I have to admit, I’m impressed with my emotional maturity and openness. Ana is good for me. “Are you going to get a dog as well?” he teases.
“Since I’m in Toronto, it might be a cat. Cats and therapy seem to be de rigueur here.”
Rafe laughs and leans in to kiss me again.
“Worth waiting thirteen years?” I ask.
“Worth waiting fifty years,” he says. “Swear on Stevie. As long as you stop running.”
“I don’t have anything to run from now,” I say. “Not if you’re with me.”
He looks at me searchingly and I tell him again, and again, until his eyes soften and I can tell he believes me. Then Rafe leans in, wrapping me up in the scent that’s always been his, and I finally get my heart’s desire.
And I didn’t even have to pay fifth-daughter prices.