Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
Life Makeover Principle #9:
Embrace CHANGE, for it is the vehicle that transports you forward.
Marvin couldn’t wait to tell everyone about the pregnancy, and despite Gina’s insistence they wait till the twelve-week mark, he’d phoned family and friends not long after the two pink lines appeared. This created an avalanche of ‘congratulations’ cards, phone calls, and well-meaning words of advice, such as: ‘make sure you get a ‘Mother Love’ pram, it’s so easy to fold’, and: ‘why don’t you try one of those magnetic wrist bands, I hear they’re great for morning sickness and labour’. Gina’s mother had been close to tears at the news. ‘I’m so proud of you, my daughter,’ she’d said. Proud? All she’d done was have sex with her husband. It wasn’t like she’d sat some sort of lengthy pregnancy exam and passed with a high distinction .
Gina could barely comprehend that a living being was developing inside her, let alone having to think about which pram to get and what to do during labour. For now, she just wanted to get her head around the pregnancy itself, and how to salvage her relationship, which Marvin didn’t even know she’d contemplated leaving.
Gina’s pile of romance books had been replaced with pregnancy and motherhood books, courtesy of her mother and sisters-in-law. She was only a few pages into one of them, up to the section on: ‘accepting your changing body’. This reminded her of the puberty book she’d got when she was twelve-years-old, only this time, she wasn’t becoming a woman, she was becoming a mother. Motherhood: the pinnacle of womanhood, the book said. The purpose and miracle of the female body.
She imagined her body changing, blossoming into rounded curves. She hoped it wouldn’t be too difficult to regain her figure afterwards. A selfish thought, she decided, but with years of dedication to sculpting an awesome figure, she couldn’t help but hope it wasn’t all for nothing. She’d seen other women have children, only to keep gaining weight until they were unrecognisable from their previous selves. This wouldn’t happen to her. She’d make sure of it.
Today she was taking the day off work to see the doctor and get her follow up blood results to confirm that the pregnancy hormone was increasing as expected and that her iron levels were normal, organise paperwork and appointments for her antenatal care and an ultrasound, and visit Naomi at the gym to have a pregnancy exercise program tailored for her. Marvin had left for work an hour ago, and she’d uncharacteristically slept in. She’d have to make sure she went to bed earlier each night so she wouldn’t get overtired; she’d heard tiredness went hand-in-hand with pregnancy. There’d be so much to think about, to learn, over the coming months. Part of her was still unsure about being a mother, and part of her looked forward to the experience that many women said was the most miraculous experience of their lives. Maybe once the hormones kicked in a bit more, she’d feel more maternal?
Gina rose from the bed, rubbing her temple as a mild headache formed. Her stomach grumbled and she licked her dry lips. She’d have to keep water beside the bed and make sure she stayed hydrated too. Walking to the bathroom, a slight twinge in her stomach surprised her, as though the baby was making itself known. She paused, placing her hand on the invisible mound. It passed. Entering the bathroom, another twinge appeared, and she felt warmth below. She looked down and gasped. A few spots of blood, bright red against the white tiled floor. She fumbled in the drawer for a pad, but with her head foggy with dizziness and her muscles trembling, she worried she might pass out, so she grabbed a towel quickly then held onto the wall, following it into the bedroom. She collapsed onto the bed and picked up her phone.
Should she call her mother? Marvin?
She glanced at the towel and it had a larger amount of blood than she expected.
She called a different number instead. It was probably not necessary but she was scared and didn’t know what to expect.
‘I’m not sure if I need an ambulance?’ Gina’s shaky voice whispered into the phone. ‘I’m bleeding a fair bit, and I’m six weeks pregnant.’
Muffled voices.
Strange sounds.
Then a woman’s face came into focus from the blurry darkness. Gina’s mouth dry, she moistened it with her tongue, and was about to speak when the woman spoke first.
‘Gina, you’re okay. You’re in hospital. I’m Doris, one of the nurses.’
Hospital.
Nurses.
Blood.
Ambulance.
The memories surfaced in her mind, and she looked down, moving her hand to her stomach. There was a tube inserted into a vein on the back of her hand. Her gaze followed it up behind her where a drip bag hung from a stand.
‘Gina, you had a heavy bleed and your blood pressure dropped and you passed out for a little while, but you’re ok.’
‘And… the baby?’
‘We’re just waiting on the results we’ve rushed through, but….’
A nurse came over and whispered to Doris.
‘Ah,’ Doris said. ‘Gina, your beta hCG levels are low for a six-week pregnancy. We were able to compare it with the levels you had tested a week ago with your GP and, unfortunately, they’ve dropped.’
Confusion and fatigue fogged up Gina’s mind as they moved her somewhere to have an ultrasound scan.
‘I’m sorry,’ the radiographer said. ‘But it looks like this pregnancy isn’t viable.’ Doris came in just as she said the words, and held Gina’s hand.
Not viable? Huh? Does she mean...
‘I’m very sorry for your loss. Once the radiologist has checked the scan, we’ll send a report to your doctor. Please make an appointment with her as soon as possible.’
Loss.
I’ve lost the baby.
Where did it go?
As if reading Gina’s thoughts, the nurse spoke. ‘Miscarriage is very common, especially after age thirty-five. It’s nothing you did wrong. Your body will continue to expel the tissue naturally and you can have another scan after you finish bleeding to double check all remnants have passed. In some cases, a procedure called a D and C is required, but as you were so early on, it may not be needed. We’ll send a report to your GP and she can follow up.’
Remnants? Procedure?
‘We’ll keep an eye on you for a bit longer and get you rehydrated till your BP stabilises, but you should be able to go home soon. Just rest up for a few days. I’ll give you some reading material and details of a special counselling service we recommend.’
Counselling?
A little while ago she’d been given pregnancy fact sheets and books, and now she had other ‘reading material’ to make use of.
At what point did she cease to be pregnant?
Questions flitted through Gina’s mind as they took her back to emergency. Just as she was trying to get her mind around being pregnant, she now had to get her mind around not being pregnant. Confusion wrinkled her face. She didn’t know what to think, or feel. Things had happened so fast.
Marvin appeared next to her, flustered. ‘Oh, honey, are you okay?’
She explained what happened, and grief lined his face. In silence, he wrapped his arms around her.
And then it started.
Overwhelming emotion from deep inside Gina overflowed and poured out, her body shuddering with sobs. My baby. My poor baby! So tiny, but still... a life. Gone. Tears drenched her face, falling in droplets onto Marvin’s shoulder, forming spots.
Clear spots.
Empty, yet filled with something that could have been.
Days later, after staring at them for hours, Gina picked up the pregnancy books with tentative hands. One by one, she carefully packed them away in the same box they came in. She’d leave them on the kitchen counter for her mother to collect next time she dropped in. Marlina Giovanni had been around every day since the miscarriage; bearing meals, cake, and talk of ‘you’ll get another chance’. As soon as Marvin called her the day it happened, instead of coming straight to the hospital, Marlina had gone to the apartment to clean up. She didn’t tell Gina this, didn’t have to. When Marvin took her home that evening, the bed was freshly made with clean sheets, and there were damp patches on the carpet. The bathroom smelled of bleach, and flowers sat on the bedside table. Gina knew it must have been her mother, and was grateful for the refreshed space. Marvin wouldn’t have known what to do.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Marvin, as Gina placed the box of books on the counter.
‘I’m giving them back to Mum.’
‘Why? You need to keep them, for the next time.’ Marvin rose from behind his newspaper.
‘Next time?’
‘Yeah, next time. Now we know you can get pregnant, so, as soon we get the doc’s okay, we’ll try again.’ He placed his bulky hands on her forearms.
Gina turned away. ‘I don’t...’
‘Don’t what?’
She turned to face him. ‘I don’t want to try.’
‘So, we’ll wait a bit longer. Give it a few months, and then – ’
‘I don’t want to try ... anymore.’
Marvin froze, as if to process what she’d said. ‘Honey.’ He picked up her hands. ‘You’ve just been through a traumatic event, it’s normal to not want to risk it happening again. I understand you must be scared, but we can talk to the doctor about whether there’s anything that can be done to prevent it.’
Gina released from his grasp and stepped backwards, shaking her head. ‘No, I don’t think...’
‘Who knows?’ He stepped forwards, grasping her hands again. ‘Maybe all that exercise you do could be a problem, it’s probably putting too much strain on your body. And your job, you could talk to Mark about going part-time, to take away the excess stress, so you can just focus on having a healthy baby, and– ’
‘Marvin!’ Gina stamped her foot, shocking her husband into silence. ‘I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want kids. I don’t...’ She glanced around the house, at the newspaper, the washing basket, the box of pregnancy books, and at him. ‘...I don’t want this! ’ Gina ran into the bedroom, pushing back tears.
‘What do you mean, this ?’ Marvin asked, rushing after her.
‘I tried to want kids, I really did, and I’m devastated by what happened, but ... I just don’t want to be a mother right now. Or ever, maybe. It doesn’t feel right.’ She sat on the bed. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t pretend anymore.’
‘How can you do this to me?’ He knelt on the floor in front of her, his hands on her thighs.
She pushed them away. ‘Marvin, I really am sorry, but I can’t do something just because you want it. It has to be right for me too.’ She held her hand to her chest.
‘So, you never wanted this baby, huh? I bet you’re glad this happened then, it gives you an easy way out!’ Marvin stood, blood rushing to his face. He turned to walk out, then turned back, curiosity narrowing his gaze. ‘You didn’t make this happen, did you?’
‘What? Are you crazy?’ Gina stood to face him, her blood boiling. ‘You think I made myself miscarry, just because I don’t want kids?’
‘Well, did you?’ His unblinking eyes glared at her.
‘You are unbelievable!’ Gina flung her arms up and they fell with a slap onto her thighs. ‘You seriously think I would do this to myself, and our unborn child? What kind of person do you think I am?’
‘A selfish one by the looks of it.’ An expression of contempt stained Marvin’s face, and it was as though a stranger had taken the place of her husband. Either that, or a veil had lifted and she was seeing who he really was for the first time. ‘You only ever want what’s best for yourself, never thinking of anyone else! You and your ridiculous fantasies of running into the arms of Kane What’s-His-Name from that stupid book of yours, and quitting your perfectly good job to make a fool of yourself telling people how to exercise – what a waste!’ He flicked a hand toward her, as though she was an irritating bug getting in his way. ‘Then again, you probably wouldn’t have made a good mother anyway.’
He might as well have slapped her.
This wasn’t a marriage; this was emotional abuse. She could see it now, as clearly as if a neon sign had flashed in front of her, advertising the truth.
She knew he would be grieving the baby’s loss and that was understandable, but his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. The cruelness in his voice hit hard, and although the years of accumulated pain from his taunts was coming to the boil now, so too was a power she didn’t know she had. The Club had gradually chiselled sharper her perspective, held a magnifying glass to the truth, finally allowing her to realise that nothing could salvage this relationship. Instead of cowering backwards and curling into herself as though to shield her heart, she squared her shoulders and raised her chin. It was as though The Club’s presence was with her now, like a supportive hand on her back. The collective energy of Liz, the women, and The Ruby Room filled her with strength, as she looked Marvin straight in his scornful eyes.
‘That’s it!’ she yelled. ‘I’m done!’ She pulled a suitcase down from above the wardrobe. ‘You’ve never supported me, you’re always pressuring me into things I don’t want, you speak to me disrespectfully, and you never say ‘thanks’ for the things I do for you. I’m sick of it!’ Clothes were pulled from their hangers, and shoes shoved loosely into the suitcase. Packing for Gina would normally involve a written inventory and optimal arrangement of items to ensure maximisation of storage space, but not now. Now, she wanted to get out of here, away from him, as soon as possible.
‘You don’t really think you can just leave, do you? We have a mortgage together, we made a commitment, we–’
‘ We are no more. I’ll be back on Monday to get the rest of my things. And, my lawyer will be in touch with you.’ Her hands shook as she packed her suitcase but her resolve kept her going.
‘Since when do you have a lawyer?’ he scoffed.
‘Since ages ago, when I was going to do what I’m doing now.’ She lifted her suitcase and pushed past him. ‘Goodbye, Marvin.’
Gina sped off in her car, tears blurring her vision, and she realised she’d become one of those damaged women you’d see in the movies; leaving her husband in a flurry and driving anywhere but home. She hadn’t planned to leave him like that – tonight – but his words, that awful look in his eyes, and that disrespect effusing from him was too much to bear any longer.
She turned to drive towards the highway, towards her parent’s place, but then spun around in the other direction. She couldn’t go there. Even though the little girl inside wanted her mother, Gina knew she’d try to talk her out of leaving Marvin. No, she needed to do this on her own. She needed to know she could be on her own .
Pulling into a motel with a ‘vacancy’ sign out front, Gina reached into her handbag to turn off her mobile, not wanting any messages from Marvin to cloud her judgement. Something shiny in the bag caught her eye; the gift Liz had given her at the meeting that she’d forgotten to open. Curious, she unwrapped the small package, revealing a Christmas decoration. A white dove in flight hung from a piece of silver string. Gina lifted up the dove, its wings glowing with the sun’s reflection, and a memory surfaced. The dream she’d had after that terrible migraine a few months ago, the one where she was on a cliff, overlooking the ocean, and she was falling. The unidentified emotion had escaped her upon waking, but she now felt it just as strongly as if she was in the dream right now.
Relief.
She’d felt relieved as she’d fallen – or jumped – off that cliff in the dream. Light and free, like the dove.
As the pain of the week’s events lifted they were replaced by the same feeling, and Gina realised that in the dream, she wasn’t falling.
She was flying.