Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
~ Maria Robinson
‘All done.’ Gina added the olives to the scungilli salad and passed the bowl to her mother who was preparing the dressing. Marlina Giovanni leaned over the kitchen bench, chopping the Italian parsley like a pro. She flicked it off the chopping board into the salad, then drizzled over the olive oil and lemon juice. This was one of the seven fish dishes they’d be serving tonight for their traditional Christmas Eve feast.
Despite growing up in Italy until she was a teenager, Marlina first took part in this tradition during her time in America, when friends of her husband invited them both over on Christmas Eve one year. They joined them every year after that, and when the Giovanni family moved to Australia while Gina and her brothers were toddlers, Marlina vowed to continue the tradition.
Marlina’s insistence that Gina put her ill feelings for Marvin aside for the sake of preserving their planned festivities, only made Gina more determined to stand her ground. She threatened a boycott if any member of the Longwood family were invited. She also said she’d walk out if any of them ‘happened’ to drop by, so Marlina surrendered to her daughter’s wishes.
Tonight, the Giovanni dining room would be filled with Gina’s aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, nephews, and her ageing grandmother, along with a couple of her parents’ close friends from church. When their stomachs were filled to the brim with different varieties of fish, delicate desserts, and pastries, they’d walk over to the nearby church for midnight mass.
While Christmas music decorated the air, Gina decorated the sweet biscuits with icing, squeezing it out of a piping bag. She made a mistake, and wiped a smidgen off with her finger and licked it.
‘Gina, hygiene please!’ her mother scolded.
‘But I made a mistake,’ Gina defended.
Marlina paused for a moment, tilting her head to one side. ‘Have you made any other mistakes?’
Gina assessed her culinary creations, then glanced at her mother, realising what she actually meant. ‘The only mistake I made was staying with him for so long.’
‘That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?’
‘No, I don’t. I should have left years ago.’
‘Have you at least called him?’
Gina crossed her arms.
‘Gina?’ Marlina rested a hand on the bench. ‘You haven’t had the decency to call him and explain your reasons for leaving?’
‘I already told him why, the night I left! The night he called me selfish, the night he looked at me like I was a failure as a woman, the night he accused me of causing my own miscarriage!’ Gina’s hands joined in the complaining, accidentally squirting icing on the floor.
‘He did what?’ Marlina’s eyes widened.
‘You heard me.’
‘Are you sure, perhaps you misunderstood?’
‘No, Mum, he asked me outright if I made it happen, and he didn’t exactly believe me when I said ‘of course not’.’
‘Maybe he was just upset at the loss, and wasn’t thinking straight.’
‘Mum! Don’t you get it? He’s always been like that with me! Not just after the miscarriage. Putting me down, manipulating me, then charming his way back into the good books.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything before?’
‘I don’t know. At first, I felt it was somehow my fault, that I wasn’t good ‘wife’ material. And I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, especially after the big wedding you provided for us. After a while, it just became part of our relationship, and it was easier to focus on keeping him happy than on dealing with the problem.’ Gina stepped back and leaned against the side of the fridge.
‘I would never have thought. He always seemed so ... normal.’
‘In public, yeah, but as soon as we were alone, his true colours came to light.’
Marlina moved her ample body to Gina’s side, and traced an arc of hair around her face. ‘Darling Gina, you should have come to me. I had no idea, I’m sorry I didn’t notice something was wrong.’
Gina shrugged.
‘I’m sorry for pestering you about him, I won’t mention him again, promise.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Well, I guess there’s still time for you to meet someone else and start a family. Your aunt Paula, she was still bearing children at forty-two!’
Gina bit her bottom lip. ‘Ah, Mum, there’s another thing.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’ve decided I don’t want to have any children.’
Marlina’s hand dropped from Gina’s face. ‘What?’
‘I don’t want to become a mother. It doesn’t feel right for me.’
‘Sweetheart, you’ve just gone through a terrible loss. It’s understandable you’re scared, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again.’
‘Mum, you’re starting to sound like Marvin. I’m sorry to be abrupt, but I need you to listen to exactly what I’m saying: I am not going to have children. Ever.’ She emphasised the last word by cutting the air with her rigid hand.
‘You’re serious.’ Greyness infused Marlina’s face.
‘Yes. I’m sorry, Mum, I know you wanted me to provide grandchildren, but it’s not going to happen. I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you’d like me to be.’ Gina noticed the disappointment in her mother’s eyes, and her own eyes welled with tears.
Marlina walked away for a moment, as if to gather her thoughts. She returned with arms outstretched. ‘My darling daughter, you always were an independent woman.’ She pulled Gina close briefly, then held her at arm’s length. ‘Perhaps I haven’t been the mother you’d like me to be, the mother I should be.’
‘Don’t say that, Mum.’
‘But it’s true. How could I not know when my own daughter is going through such a hard time? Never once did I ask you how your marriage was going, I’ve been so ignorant.’ Marlina shook her head, lowering her chin to her chest. ‘Forgive me.’
‘Mum, it’s okay.’ Gina touched her mother’s arm.
‘I admire your strength, Gina. Doing what’s right for yourself. You should go forward and follow your dreams, there’s no point living someone else’s version of a life well lived. And, if that means no grandchildren for me, then so be it. Besides, I already have some. I’ve been blessed with abundant family, and now I’m blessed with a unique and ambitious daughter, who’s going to live a happy and successful life on her own terms.’
The tension in Gina’s jaw released as she welcomed her mother’s warm embrace, tears staining her red satin shirt, and for the first time in a long while, Gina felt completely and unconditionally loved.
‘Now, you toss the calamari in the flour, and I’ll get started on the baccalà.’ Marlina broke away from the embrace, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand. ‘Let’s whip up a feast to remember!’