Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I was only at the coffee shop for four months before I started being ill. After three mornings in a row of nausea upon waking, I wondered if I could be pregnant. I decided not to say anything to Richard until I found out for myself.
I went into Leek, our nearest town, to buy a test. I didn’t want to buy one from the local chemist in Mapleton as the gossip drums would start to bang.
That was the trouble with living and working in a village.
People knew each other’s business. I wanted to be the first person to tell Richard if it was positive.
I didn’t even want anyone to hint at it to him.
So it was better to be certain first before rumours were spread willy-nilly.
In the car on the drive back, I dreamed of how it would be if I was pregnant.
Me, a mum! Honestly, I couldn’t keep the smile from my face.
It was excellent timing. I was young and healthy.
Richard and I had spent a few months together since we were married, getting to know each other, and I was sure this would make us closer somehow.
Richard was a fuddy-duddy, set in his ways. Perhaps a child would mellow him.
We’d spoken about children once he’d proposed to me. Of course, he’d said he wanted them but had wondered if he’d left it too late. When I complimented him on his young outlook, he seemed satisfied. He said we should start trying straight away as he dragged me off to bed.
Waiting for the minute to see the outcome of the test was excruciating.
For some reason, my thoughts turned to my sister.
I still struggled to understand why she wouldn’t engage with me after I’d left Derby.
It was a shame, I missed her, but since I’d lost my phone, I couldn’t remember her number to try any more.
I certainly wasn’t going to turn up unannounced at home.
She had my details and she knew where I was if she needed me.
Maybe she was grown up enough now to look after herself.
The test was positive. I raced downstairs to tell Richard.
‘I’m pregnant,’ I shouted and rushed into his arms. But his body was stiff and although his arms went around me, I could tell he wasn’t happy. I looked up at him, his shoulders dropping along with his face.
I was hurt by his reaction. ‘I thought you wanted to start a family as soon as possible.’
‘You’re right.’ He nodded as if trying to convince himself. ‘I did say that. It’s just a shock, that’s all.’
‘You’re not pleased?’
‘Of course I am.’ He gave me a hug. ‘It was unexpected. I’m delighted.’
It was from that moment, although I didn’t know it then, that things started to change.
Being pregnant was the best and the worst thing that happened to me.
I began to fall more under his control, becoming ever dependent on him.
Of course, he did it under the guise of caring for me.
Making me feel loved as he did things for me.
Later he would say I was useless at everything, playing on my emotions.
Richard wanted a son, so when Daisy came along he began to lose interest. To me, Daisy was perfect, beautiful, and I was so happy.
But Richard barely looked her way at first. He wouldn’t pick her up unless he was showing her off to someone, or pretending he was a doting father when a midwife or nurse called to see us.
But gradually Daisy won him over and, after a few weeks, she had him wrapped around her little finger. He was besotted with her.
And then he insisted we try for another baby straight away. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready. I wanted to give my body time to recover, and also to be with Daisy as I learned how to be a mother to her.
As punishment, he stopped sleeping with me. Looking back, I think it was an excuse really.
My life was fine for a while. Daisy took up a lot of my time during those early months.
I loved bonding with her too. She was my everything.
I wanted her to have the life that I never had as a child.
Growing up in a beautiful home with loving parents.
It was all I’d ever wanted and I was determined that she would be a happy, balanced little girl.
Of course, that was long before my migraines started and I began to feel sick all the time.