Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
DELANEY
I spent the entire day fussing around the house and yet, not getting anything done. My mind was driving through so many emotions that I couldn’t make sense of anything. Trace had looked so angry when he left.
I was busying myself about the kitchen, pretending to clean the counters even though I’d done it twice now after loading the dishwasher with the dishes from dinner.
Blake had definitely seen the coffee mugs this morning and everything they’d represented. Up until now, I’d managed to avoid her, which she didn’t deserve. She knew something was wrong when we got back from town, and I’d told her everything about meeting Booker. Cade hadn’t spoken to me after we left the bakery, and I asked her to stay with him. At least then, he’d have someone to talk to if he wasn’t ready to talk to me. I knew I was trying to buy myself time. Especially considering that she’d dropped everything to look after Cade for me and then come to Willowbrook. I was being a terrible friend. The only excuse I had was that I was trying to figure it all out myself first.
“So, you going to start decorating, maybe paint the porch, plant a flower garden, whatever else you do on a farm that doesn’t have any animals left? Or are you maybe going to grab an enormous glass of wine, sit out on that amazing looking porch swing with me, and tell me all your sordid secrets?”
I turned to find her leaning in the kitchen doorway with a smirk on her face.
“I’m…just about to pour the wine,” I relented.
There was no putting this off, and honestly, I didn’t think I was going to figure it out alone. I didn’t even know why I was trying. If there was anything that would help me sort out the mess in my head right now, it was Blake.
“Red?”
She nodded, then headed to the back door without another word. How did I get so lucky to have someone like her in my life?
As I poured two glasses, my eyes darted back to the doorway and the stairs beyond it. Cade was asleep upstairs. After an awkwardly silent dinner, he went to bed early. Not even a Pokémon marathon could persuade him to stay up with us.
I had an overwhelming urge to check that he was still in his bed. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted him listening in on. Not just because it involved me sleeping with his father again.
He deserved a conversation about what had happened before he was born, who his dad was, and why he wasn’t in his life. I’d put it off for far too long, not wanting to be the one to tell him the ugly truth. His blurted question to Booker was proof that not telling him hadn’t saved Cade from thinking about it, and I needed to make sure he didn’t twist this in his head until he was in some way at fault. I wouldn’t have these people hurting my son all these years later, even if it meant having to take on the whole of the Farrington family. I wouldn’t cower in front of them again.
I made my way out to the porch to find Blake wrapped in a blanket and staring out into the night.
“It’s really beautiful here, Lanes,” she said dreamily. “Peaceful.”
“Yeah, it is.” I joined her on the swing, passing her one of the glasses as I tucked my feet up under me and got comfortable, buying myself as much time as I could.
“I saw Trace yesterday. His family is buying the farm and all the land.” I paused and sighed, trying to buy myself some time. “We went out to the pasture to start looking it over. It started raining and…well, I guess you can figure out what happened next.”
Why was this so embarrassing to admit?
I shuffled uneasily, hating that I’d made such a massive mistake.
“How very nineties romcom of you,” Blake said, turning to me with a grin. “Did he look all delicious in his wet shirt, and you were just powerless to resist?”
I opened my mouth to object, but then cringed. “Yes.”
My hands came to cover my face as I started to turn an attractive shade of red, but the overly large glass of wine in my hand got in the way.
Blake shoved me playfully. “Don’t be embarrassed. You can’t help being just like all of us other humans.”
I snorted then. She was always making fun of me for being too perfect, but personally, I think she was just blind to my faults. After all, between the two of us, I was the one pregnant and alone at sixteen, even if it had worked out in ways I never could have possibly dreamed of.
“So, what’s got you all twisted up and angsty?” she asked, taking a sip of wine.
I sighed. If I was going to regress into this melodramatic teenage version of myself, then I was fully embracing it.
I took a fortifying gulp of wine and then said the thing that was really bothering me. “I thought all these feelings for Trace were gone. I was so broken when I left this place and then later so angry, but I’d come to terms with all that. I even understand why he did what he did. It was scary as fuck, and you’ve never had the misfortune of meeting Trace’s parents, but they’re not exactly the nicest people. I can see him freaking out and his mother twisting it into what happened. But I’d thought all the other feelings involving him had gone as well.”
“All the ‘I want to jump your bones and screw like naughty monkeys’ feelings?”
I gaped at her for a second and then shrugged because she wasn’t wrong. “I’m not supposed to feel like that, though. If anything, I feel like I should be angry. What does it say about me that the first chance I got, I fell into bed with him?”
The more I thought about last night, the more the regrets were pouring in. Especially after seeing Trace speeding away from the house when he saw Cade. I’d got a clear enough look at his face to see his expression, and I didn’t think I’d ever seen him look that angry before.
“I think it says that you loved him a whole lot when you were together and that maybe those types of feelings never really go away.” Blake took another sip of her wine while I started to chug mine down like it could drown the confusion. “Nothing that happens between you and Trace is wrong, or dirty, or whatever negative spin you want to put on it. You were together for a long time, you both loved each other a lot, and you never really got the chance to say goodbye. You didn’t really even have a chance to break up if you think about it. You were sent on your way by his mother, and I bet deep down there’s a part of you that still wonders if he really knew what happened.”
I looked at my friend. The flighty artist who saw the world exactly as it was and could turn it into the most beautiful paintings I’d ever seen. Blake had a way of seeing the things around her without all the filters that the rest of us put in place. She saw the truth, and even if it wasn’t the pretty lies we all preferred to believe, she still somehow saw the beauty in them.
I pushed her pink hair off her shoulder and replaced it with my head as she wrapped her arm around me.
“If you had a choice, if no one else in the world was watching and you got to do whatever you wanted, what would you want to happen out of this situation?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I muttered, snuggling against my best friend and feeling a wave of sadness sweep over me. Tears came to my eyes, and I felt that lump in my throat that meant there was nothing I could do to stop them from falling, eventually.
“Yes, you do,” she said quietly, hugging me against her. “It’s just you, me, and the stars, Dels. I’m not going to tell anyone, and the stars are great at keeping secrets.”
I took a moment. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t have a picture of the way I wanted my life to turn out. There was a part of me too embarrassed to admit it. It was all just so impossible, and there was a pain in admitting you wanted someone who didn’t want you back. When they knew you weren’t good enough for them, no matter what you did.
Part of me wanted to keep denying that there was a glimmer of a dream inside me. But this was Blake, and maybe it was time for me to admit to that insidious little thought that had burrowed its way inside of me and finally let it go.
“I want him to realize that he made a mistake,” I whispered. “To look at Cade and how amazing he is and realize that letting us go was the biggest mistake of his life that he ever made. And…I want us to be a family.”
Blake gripped me tightly as I confessed to the childish dream that I knew was never going to happen. Especially not now that I’d seen Trace’s face when he first saw his son. It wasn’t the face of a man who regretted his actions.
“Maybe,” Blake started slowly, “It might be time to start thinking about making a family, Dels. Maybe it’s time to?—”
“Don’t say it!” I warned her, trying to sit up only for Blake to tighten her grip on me.
This was a conversation we’d had before, and one I didn’t want to go over again for what felt like the millionth time.
“I’m just saying that maybe it’s time to start dating.” She let me go then as she raised her hands in surrender, almost as if she was expecting me to take a swing for her.
The porch swing lurched forward, and she quickly sipped at her wine to stop it from spilling over. More proof that chugging it to start with had been the best approach.
“I don’t have time to date. And I don’t want to parade a load of men through the house when Cade is there. Besides, I’ve seen the nightmare dating has been for you. Why would you want to put me through that?” I gasped in faux horror, hoping to deflect the conversation away from where I really didn’t want it to be.
“Because I think you’re lonely, Delaney. And you don’t have to forfeit your life just because you have a kid. You deserve to find someone who’s going to be there for you. Someone who’s going to love you even more than I do. You became a mom, Delaney, not a nun. You need someone to keep your sheets warm at night!”
“Then I’ll buy an electric blanket,” I deadpanned, standing up from the porch swing and holding up my glass to her. “Do you want another?”
“Of course, I want another, and just because you’re running away doesn’t mean this conversation is over.”
I stormed into the kitchen seconds away from full tantrum mode, filled up my glass, and leaned against the sink as I started to drink it.
Did Blake have a point? Was the point of the childish dream that I wanted someone else in my life, or was it really about Trace? Maybe this was my brain trying to tell me that I was ready to move on.
But then last night came flooding back to me. Setting aside everything else, it had been kind of perfect. I’d thought it was the perfect way for us to say goodbye, but I think deep down, I’d wanted it to be more than that. And listening to his whispered words, I’d thought he felt the same way, too.
Now it just felt like I’d taken a confusing, messed up situation and made it so much worse. What we should have done was sit down and talk about the reality of our situation and what we both wanted going forward. I’d seen his face when he left yesterday, and I doubted he wanted anything to do with the daydream I barely wanted to admit to. But I still needed to confront him. I still needed to say my piece and see if he wanted any kind of role in Cade’s life. If he didn’t, then it was time for us to make sure he gave up any legal rights to Cade. I wasn’t going to live with the nightmare of the Farringtons swooping in and trying to take my kid away from me.
I sighed, taking another drink of my wine and looking up to see Blake coming into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry, Dels. I don’t mean to push you. I know this is a difficult situation for you, and there’s still all the funeral to arrange and what you want to do with the farm.”
“Trace is buying it,” I blurted out, realizing we hadn’t spoken about this yet. “Or rather, his family is.”
I could tell she was surprised by the look on her face, but Blake didn’t have a chance to say anything before Cade ran into the kitchen.
“No! You can’t sell it.”
He looked around in panic like he thought it was about to happen right away, and I quickly went to my son.
“Cade, you’re supposed to be asleep.”
I hugged him against me, looking at Blake in worry. Just how much had he heard?
“I don’t want you to sell the farm,” Cade whispered against my stomach. “Why do you have to sell it?”
I didn’t know what to say. The one thing I hated doing in this world was disappointing my son. But the farm was a massive responsibility and keeping it would mean moving to Willowbrook.
“We don’t live here, honey. I guess we could look and see if someone wanted to rent the place out, but it’s a lot of land for someone to just use as a holiday home. It would cost a lot of money for us to have someone look after it for us. I think. I haven’t really looked into it.”
“I don’t want someone else to live here,” Cade sulked. “I want us to live here.”
I looked over at Blake and saw the heartbroken look on her face. For a second, she looked almost guilty, and I wondered what had happened in the few days that I’d been away.
“Why don’t you come out and sit with us, and we can talk about this.” I decided, leading Cade to the back porch, even if it was just to buy myself my time.
Unfortunately for me, the back porch was only steps away, and all the time in the world wouldn’t be enough to prepare me for this situation.
I settled Cade on the swing, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders. “Do you want a hot chocolate or something?”
He just looked up at me and shook his head.
This was it then.
This was the talk I’d been putting off for so long.
I sat down at Cade’s side, and he reached for my hand, making me smile. His watery smile just about broke my heart, and I took a deep breath to prepare myself for what was to come.
“I’m going to tell you about what happened when I lived here last, okay? I’ll answer any questions that you might have, and then we can talk about the farm if you want to.” Cade nodded and a sick feeling rose up inside me. This was going to hurt him. I knew it would. But there was nothing I could do to protect him from this. All I could do was be there for him when he finally knew the truth.
“You know I was young when I became your mom, right? Well, I was living here and there was a boy I was so in love with, and we were blessed with?—”
“Mom, I know how babies are made.”
“Okay, but let me just pretend that you don’t for a bit?”
He chuckled, shaking his head.
“Where was I? Right, we were blessed with you before we were really ready. And finding out we were going to have a baby when we were that young was kind of scary. We didn’t have any plans yet. We were still in school. I was lucky enough to have Grandpa in my life. He made sure that I had all the support I needed, and even though I was scared, he made sure that I always had someone at my side to help. But your dad didn’t really have that, buddy. His parents aren’t like Grandpa was, and when they found out I was pregnant with you, they didn’t give your dad the support he needed, and they pushed me away. So, I had to leave, and I went to go and live with Aunt Adelaide. I was lucky enough to meet Blake and then you were born. It was hard sometimes, but I think we made a really good life, you and me.”
Cade nodded. He didn’t look as sad as I thought he would, but I could tell he was thinking through the little information I’d given him.
“Why didn’t you stay here?” he finally asked.
“Because your dad’s family has a lot of money and a lot of influence, and they didn’t want me to.” I might be coming clean to him, but I wasn’t about to tell him all the terrible details.
He nodded as he stared out into the night. I waited patiently for any other questions he might have.
“You don’t want to live here because of them, then?”
“I didn’t want us to live here because this town is really small, monkey. And I didn’t want you to have to live a life where they had the chance to make you feel bad about yourself.”
“Because they didn’t want me?”
“I honestly don’t know what they were thinking, monkey. What I can tell you is that I wanted you so much. I would have fought through anything to have you with me. And now that I’ve got you, I’m never letting you go, kid.”
He smiled sadly. If there was one thing I knew, it was that Cade would never doubt how much I loved him. I made sure to prove it to him at every available opportunity.
“Booker really isn’t my dad, then?”
“No. He’s your uncle. And I know he would really like a chance to get to know you if that’s something you’d want to do.”
Cade thought about it, and then he nodded. “Am I going to see my dad at Grandpa’s funeral?”
“I don’t know, monkey. I need to talk to him. If he wants to, would you like the opportunity to talk to him too?”
Cade shrugged, and I decided not to push him. I couldn’t blame him for needing time to think about what he’d learned.
“I think I’m going to go to bed,” he finally said.
“Okay, honey. Do you want me to come and tuck you in?”
“No, it’s fine.” He walked back into the house without even looking back, and my heart cracked.
“I should tell them all to stay away from the funeral,” I decided. “Tell them to leave us to grieve in peace without having to face their drama.”
“You could,” Blake said as she leaned back against the porch railing. “Or you could keep them at a distance. It sounds like Booker would want to help you through it. Maybe he can act as a buffer for you.”
I sighed, sagging back onto the porch swing. I needed to talk to Booker. Probably explain everything that happened rather than losing my temper and storming out. If he wanted to be part of Cade’s life, then I’d let him. It seemed like he’d been completely kept in the dark about everything. He’d looked genuinely hurt. Had Trace been that ashamed of me that he hadn’t even told his brothers?
“I hate him,” I whispered to Blake. “I hate that, for even a second, he made my son doubt himself.”
Blake came back to sit on the swing and wrapped me in a hug. “No, you don’t. And I think that’s probably the problem.”