Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
DELANEY
I t was finally here.
The funeral.
The day we were going to say goodbye.
I stared at my reflection and smoothed my hands down the simple black dress I wore. The woman in the mirror didn’t seem like me. She looked strong. Stoic. She looked ready.
I couldn’t be any less ready even if I’d tried.
I physically ached. I’d tried to pretend it wasn’t there. I’d tried to ignore it. But the weight of the sadness that pressed down on me made every part of my body ache. It hurt to breathe. It swelled higher and higher with every exhale, and I was so tired of fighting it.
A tear slipped down my cheek, and my hands clenched into fists at my sides as I fought for control.
I couldn’t slip now. I was so close. So close to the end, so close to getting through this thing. I had no idea what I was expecting on the other side, but I kept telling myself that I just needed to get past the funeral. That I could hold it inside for just that little bit longer, and then it would be okay.
But how was it going to be?
My dad was gone. Adelaide was gone. My mother had never even been here. I was alone. Alone in the world, with no one left to lean on. I had no other choice but to be strong because I had to be for Cade.
And then I saw him in the mirror.
Trace moved up behind me. He looked so strong in his dark suit, the crisp white shirt gleaming against the heavy material. He almost seemed like a dream until he reached out, and his hands touched my shoulders, drawing my back against his front.
“I’ve got you, Delaney,” he whispered.
And I broke.
Trace gently turned me into his chest and held me as I wept the tears that I’d held inside. He stood firm, letting me fall apart with a promise that he’d be there to help me back together again at the end.
I wasn’t alone.
I had Trace.
And maybe it was a dream. Everything had changed so fast and so impossibly in one short week. I was standing on the brink of the life I’d always wanted. The one that I hardly dared to dream of because it hurt too much to even consider.
I just needed to get through the funeral.
I pulled away from Trace even though I didn’t want to and took the tissue he held in his hand, not even wondering where it had come from.
“One moment at a time, Lanes. We’ll get you through this, and then you can breathe.”
How did he always know exactly how I felt?
“Is Cade…”
“He’s with Blake. He’s okay.”
I nodded as I dried my tears in the mirror, careful not to smudge the makeup I’d decided I had to put on for some reason.
“What time is it? Do we need?—”
“We don’t need to do anything until you’re ready. They’ll wait. Everything can wait.”
My mind started to spin then. Had I made all the right arrangements? Did we have enough food for the wake? Would the flowers arrive in time? What had I missed?
A knock on the bedroom door had me looking up to see Blake standing in the doorway.
“We’re ready when you are.”
I nodded, looking at Trace, who just smiled sadly. I was so glad to have him here with us. It all felt a little more possible with him at my side, like I could face it all, even if I wasn’t strong enough. Because I didn’t have to be when he was there.
“I’m ready.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“He was an amazing man.”
“The town won’t be the same without him.”
At a certain point, I’d just tried to smile and nod. Everyone had something to say and looking around the living room that had felt so empty before, it was nice to see so many people here. People who knew my father, who had loved him and respected him. Those who had known him best.
But I didn’t have room inside me for their sadness as well as my own. It was taking everything I had to hold it together. I couldn’t be responsible for trying to make them feel better about their loss when mine felt so overwhelming that it was taking everything I had in me just to nod and smile as person after person came to tell me their feelings.
I think I’d always known that there would be a lot of people at the funeral. But seeing it now with my own eyes was something else. Not everyone had come back to the house, but when we stood at the graveside, saying our goodbyes as we laid my father to rest beside my mother, I’d realized that the entire town stood around me, giving me their silent support.
The entire town.
Of course, I’d known she’d be there. There would be no way that Regina would lose face by not turning up at something like this. It wouldn’t have been proper in her eyes, even though she wasn’t welcome.
Trace had tensed at my side as soon as he’d seen her, and I clasped his hand tighter. Now wasn’t the time to make a scene. Or maybe it was. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with her. This day wasn’t about Regina Farrington. It was about my family. The people who mattered.
And now I was standing here in our living room, numbly nodding through all the pleasantries that people seemed to think would make me feel better. Or at least that’s what I thought they were doing. But right about now, I just didn’t see the point of this.
“Delaney,” Trace said gently, taking my hand and drawing me out of the fog of my mind. “Excuse us,” he added to whoever it was that was talking to me now.
Drawing me out of the room, he walked us through the kitchen and out onto the back porch. When he closed the door behind us, the noise from inside faded away, and for the first time since I’d stepped a foot inside that hospital room, I felt the weight lift just a tiny bit.
Trace guided me over to the porch swing, and then suddenly Blake was there, pressing a warm mug into my hands. I looked down at it in confusion.
“This isn’t tea.”
“You don’t like tea.” Blake sat down beside me, pulling a blanket around my shoulders. “Everyone knows hot chocolate soothes the soul.”
I looked up from the cup and really looked at the woman sitting beside me.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“And thankfully, you’ll never have to find out.” She kissed the side of my head and gave me a gentle hug. “You’re stuck with me now, kid. Now drink your hot chocolate and let me mother you.”
When I turned back to Trace, it was to find him slipping back into the kitchen.
“Where’s—”
“He’s got this. Let him deal with the crowds. Just sit, Delaney. Sit and look after yourself for once.”
It felt so wrong. So hard to let go.
“What about Cade?”
“He’s teaching Booker how to play Mario Kart, which was honestly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. We need to make a list of stuff to force him to do. The bear-man needs to learn how to be a human again.”
I snorted then. Blake always had a way of making me smile, even when it felt impossible. It was part of why everyone loved her.
“I think I want?—”
“Cade? Booker’s going to bring him down after they’ve played a couple of games.”
She knew me so well. I couldn’t relax until I knew he was all right. I needed to see it with my own eyes.
I sipped at the sweet chocolate drink and finally leaned back into the porch swing, staring out at the empty flower beds and the bare garden that I’d never seen unattended before.
“It’s strange seeing this place like this. It was only ever me and my dad here, but it had still been a home. He always made sure of that. I never felt like I was missing out on anything. Even when he was out working on the farm, and I was the only one in the house, I never felt alone. But now, it just doesn’t feel right like this.”
My gaze moved over the empty fields and the old orchards.
“So, we put it back to how it used to be.” Blake shrugged. “You know, I think he did this so that you wouldn’t feel trapped here. I don’t think he was trying to push you away from this place. I think he wanted you to look at a blank slate and make the decision for yourself.”
“That doesn’t sound like my father,” I admitted. “He always used to say that I needed to dream bigger than this tiny town. That the world was bigger than Willowbrook and the possibilities were endless. Sometimes I used to think that he let me go too easily. That it should have been harder for him to let me go. But I think he’d always been preparing himself for it. He would have hated me coming back here.”
Maybe that was why we’d drifted apart over the last few years. He didn’t want to encourage me to come back. He wanted me in the city. Not in a terrible way. He just wanted the very best for me and didn’t think I could get it here.
“You know I met your dad, right?” Blake suddenly said, and I looked at her in surprise.
“Of course, I know you did.”
“He loved you, Delaney. He would have loved to have you here at home. He just didn’t want to ask you. Wanting the best for you and letting you live your own life doesn’t mean that he didn’t want you around. Papa James always gave you the space to make your own choices.”
Had he?
I didn’t have any bad memories of my father. Not even from when I was a teenager. He always trusted me, probably more than he should have.
I shouldn’t be doubting him now that he wasn’t here anymore.
Blake was right. He’d always been there when I needed him, and I couldn’t fault him for wanting the world for me because it was exactly what I wanted for Cade.
When I turned back to the house, Cade was there, standing at the back door, looking so lost.
“Hey, come here, kiddo.”
He ran to me, squeezing between me and Blake as he sniffled.
Booker stood in the doorway, watching over us before he nodded and retreated back into the house.
The three of us sat huddled together, gently rocking on the swing, lost in our own thoughts for what felt like hours. They weren’t uncomfortable hours. It was time slipping past us unbothered, as we remembered, as we grieved, and as we tried to find a way to heal from it all.
“Why do people leave?” Cade asked quietly, not even lifting his head from where it was pressed against my side. I could feel the damp patch of his tears on the fabric, but his voice sounded clearer now.
“We all have to leave eventually, honey. That’s why life is so beautiful. We spend all this time here experiencing the world, loving as fiercely as we can, and learning all the lessons that life can teach us. And then when our time is done, we take all that knowledge, and we move on to the next step.”
“But what’s the next step?”
I’d known this question would come eventually, and I wished I could give him the answer.
“I don’t know, and I don’t think we’re supposed to know. Think about it, if you knew there was a beautiful heaven waiting for you, you wouldn’t live your life to the fullest. Because what would be the point? There wouldn’t be any chance of an end and all the things you didn’t get to do, you’d just do in heaven, right? But not knowing. Not having a definite answer. That’s a gift. It makes you want to take the opportunities in front of you because you might not have the chance again.”
“I guess.” He was quiet for a moment and then added, “We can still be sad, right?”
“You can be as sad as you want to be, sweetheart. It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to not be sad, too. There is no right way to say goodbye to someone we love and no right way to feel about it. I’m sad. I’m very sad. And I’m thinking about all the things I wish I’d done differently. But I won’t be sad forever, and neither will you.”
Cade hugged me tighter, and I heard a sniffle come from Blake as well. When I looked up, she was looking at me with a watery smile as she gently stroked Cade’s head.
Of course, I was sad that my dad was gone. But there was also a part of me that was looking around at everything I had with so much wonder and gratitude that it pushed a bit of that sadness to the side. I would never have met Blake if I hadn’t moved to the city. She was such a massive part of my life now. The rock I didn’t think I’d survive without. I could never regret the part of my journey that had led me to her because I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I just wished there had been a way to take Trace there with me.
As if my thoughts had summoned him, Trace quietly slipped through the back door and closed it behind him.
“The last of the people are heading out now. Booker’s seeing them off and Dex is clearing away the food. You’ve probably got enough casseroles to see you through a month.”
“Thank you. That was all just a bit too much,” I admitted.
I should have been there to thank them for coming, but I knew how hard it would have been. Trace taking this off my hands meant more than I could say, and I didn’t even have to ask him to do it. He just stepped up and did what needed to be done. He saw how I was feeling, how we were all feeling, and cared for us.
“Can I get you guys anything?” he asked, kneeling down in front of the swing and putting his hand on Cade’s knee. “You want a snack or a drink, buddy?”
“Can I have spaghetti?”
“Spaghetti?” The laugh that came out of me with the question surprised me more than Cade’s answer itself. “Why spaghetti?”
“It’s impossible to be sad when you eat spaghetti,” he told us with a shrug.
Trace cocked his head to one side, and the grin that lit up his face reminded me so much of the teenage Trace I’d first fallen in love with. “Spaghetti it is then.”
And that’s what we did.
We all sat around the table, eating spaghetti and telling stories about the stupid things we’d done when we were young and pranks we’d played on my poor father. We laughed, and there were points when we cried too. But they were mostly happy tears because Cade was right. It was impossible to be sad when you were eating spaghetti. Or maybe it was just the people we were eating it with.