37. Foster
37
FOSTER
I wondered if it was possible to be the happiest and saddest you d ever been all at the same time. Because this was it. I d finally had the perfect sex I d always hoped for with the perfect girl I loved. I couldn t imagine anyone meaning as much to me as Raina did. And she was all warm and soft and pliant in my arms, just the way I wanted her to be. I never wanted the moment to end.
Yet I knew none of it was real. This didn t mean to her what it did to me. For me, it had been everything, while she d merely needed to escape.
When I felt wetness on my cheek, I sniffed and nuzzled my face against hers to wipe the tears away with her hair before she could notice. Then I shifted onto my side, drawing her with me. I was determined to get as much from this moment as I could before she asked me to leave.
Did that really just happen? she finally asked as she rested her head on my chest and ran her fingers up from my belly button to the base of my throat.
I chuckled and stroked a hand over her hair before plunging my nose into the auburn tresses to inhale her Raina scent. I m pretty sure it did, I told her. Or this is one hell of a hallucination.
Laughing, she rolled to see my face. But when she met my gaze, her smile fell sad.
I swallowed in dread and traced the knuckle of one finger down the length of her cheek. What s wrong?
She shook her head. Nothing. I was just remembering the night Kinsey died. We talked about you.
Acid filled my gut, sure nothing good would come from this , but I nodded, letting her know I was listening.
She tried to convince me that you had to be an awful lover. That you d be all vanilla and boring. But… Her chin trembled once before she lifted her gaze to me and smiled. Kins was so wrong.
I sniffed out a small, relieved laugh. I m glad you think so.
Oh, I know so, she assured with a satisfied groan as she ran her hand over my shoulder and down the side of my back before she squeezed a handful of ass. That was by far the best I ever had. It was…perfect.
Feeling choked up, I buried my nose back in her hair and said, I think you re the one who made it perfect.
She only laughed. Please. I know this was all Mr. Football.
I froze, glad I still had my face hidden so she couldn t see the shattered expression that I m sure I had. But that s all I was to her, wasn t I? The football guy. A name. An image. An idea. She d never see just Foster , would she? Not without remembering those lost weeks.
I d been deluding myself to think this could work, thinking it would be okay if she never remembered. Because the girl I d gotten to know and this one might be the same person, but they were also different.
It was too bad this one seemed just as intuitive as the one I d lost, though. She pulled back to look at my face as if she knew something was wrong.
Foster?
I tried to pull it together; I really did. I forced a reassuring smile her way and said, I m going to get rid of this condom real quick. You need anything?
I… She looked confused and hurt but shook her head and kindly said, No. No thanks. Only to quickly change her mind. Actually, I d take a damp washcloth.
I nodded. You got it. I ll be right back.
As soon as I stepped into the bathroom, I closed my eyes and whispered, Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was bombing this. I needed to pull my head out of my ass and stop thinking about everything I needed. She d done nothing wrong, and I had to convey that to her before she kicked me out, and I never got to see her again.
Blowing out a breath, I screwed my head on straight—or, at least, I hoped I did—and I hurried through my cleanup before grabbing a washcloth and running it under some warm water.
After wringing out the excess, I glanced toward the shower, and memories swamped me, only making me miss my Raina even more.
Dammit. I told myself to stop, and I forced my gaze away so I could return to the real Raina.
She was sitting up in bed with her knees bent to her chest.
Here you go, I offered with what I hoped looked like a tender smile as I extended the washcloth toward her.
Thanks. Her voice was on the timid side, but she took the cloth gratefully.
Giving her some privacy, I turned to pull on my underwear and shorts. My shirt was still in the front room, so I tugged my shoes on, only to find that Raina had finished and was watching me with her arms now wrapped around her bent knees. She looked small and scared and naked, and I suddenly realized I shouldn t have gotten dressed so quickly.
Sitting next to her on the bed, I tugged her into my arms and lowered my face next to hers before kissing her cheek. You okay?
Yeah, she told me softly, only to unwind her arms from around herself so she could crawl into my lap and hug me back. I don t know. Shuddering in my embrace, she confessed, No. I don t think I am. Not really.
I d be worried if you really were, I admitted, burying my nose in her red-brown locks and kissing her ear. What do you need?
I don t— She started, only to heave out a quick, body-seizing sob and ask, You wouldn t take it the wrong way and think you d done anything bad or decide I was totally insane if I told you I just wanted to stay here, warm and protected in your arms for a while, so I could cry , would you?
My heart broke for her. You let out whatever you need to, darlin , I murmured, stroking her hair.
Oh God. She shuddered, then grabbed onto the back of my shoulders. Thank you. Thank you.
And as the weeping, naked girl fell apart in my arms, I rocked her gently, absorbing every tear.
When she finally reached the point where she was lying against me limply and only occasionally sniffling, I stroked a hand over her hair. Any better yet?
She bobbed her head immediately, even as she answered, I think so. It s just… Sighing sadly, she looked up at me, with tragic, wet, hazel eyes.
Kissing her cheek, I encouraged, Tell me.
When I walked to campus today, she started haltingly, and sat on the bench to rest, all I could do was watch people walking by and wonder how they did it. I mean, some of them had to have been raped or beaten or bullied, right? Some of them had to have dealt with cancer or disease, or some form of blunt-force trauma like I did. Some had to have lost loved ones or dealt with some kind of tragedy. And yet they all looked so…normal. As if nothing was wrong. As if the world was just this great place where nothing bad ever happened. But how the hell do they do that? How do they just carry on as if things are fine ?
I was silent a moment before softly answering, Time.
Raina looked up at me with seeking eyes and blinked. Time?
I nodded. It took me a long time after my brother died to really dip my toe back into normal again. I mean, it ll never be the same as it was—not the normal you knew—but…
When I shook my head, not sure how to explain it, Raina wrapped her hand around my arm. But what?
I glanced at her and sighed. Then I shook my head, saying the first thing that came to my mind. You can create a new normal for yourself after your whole world changes.
Her eyes reddened, but her seeking gaze sought deliverance. How? she demanded in an achingly fragile voice.
I drew out another long breath, then shrugged. Different ways, I guess. I m sure it can t be the same for everyone. For me—with Hayes—I was mostly shocked to learn how dark the world could get. Suddenly, children could die . Your best friend could leave forever—just like that—and your family—your whole foundation—could shatter in an instant. It was just…so fucking startling. I thought I d forever be trapped in that dark, shocking place. Except the funny thing about darkness is that you only need the tiniest sliver of light to chase it away and see again. And these little fireflies of good things—like the six new friends I made in grief counseling, or a joke someone told me, a smile another person gave me, a compliment, a football touchdown—they just started fluttering around me, driving away more and more darkness until, eventually, I could see where I was going again. It might ve been a new path, but I had a direction to go in. A new normal.
Grimacing at her with sympathy, I said, Nothing s ever going to be the same again, and I m so sorry about that. But —I lifted one shoulder— it can get better than this. You just keep focusing on the light.
A tear trembled in Raina s lashes before she wiped it away with her fingers. Then she sent me a soft smile and cupped my cheek in her hand. Thank you, she said. Thank you for being my first firefly of light.
Release broke open in my chest, and the tightness I d been feeling in there for weeks started to loosen. Pressing my brow to hers, I clutched her cheek in my hand and closed my eyes, just breathing her in.
I wish I could take all your darkness away, I whispered.
Her finger brushed my arm. You took a pretty nice chunk of it, believe me.
I smiled and opened my lashes so I could pull back and look at her. Thankfully, she did seem to be better. There weren t quite as many shadows lurking in her eyes anymore.
My chest filled with refreshed air as I reached for the last few tears that were hanging out on her cheek. Easing them away, I asked, What else can I do? Get you a drink? Brush your hair? Go down on you again?
She laughed, and it brightened the whole room. A drink actually does sound good. Then maybe…a shower.
I nodded solemnly. I ll wash your back.
She grinned and rolled her eyes but conceded, Deal.
Perfect. Picking her up off my lap, I sat her on the mattress next to me and popped to my feet. Then I leaned down to kiss her hair. I ll get your drink first. What ll you have?
Just… She shook her head, looking up at me with awe. Water s fine.
Winking at her, I announced, I can do that. Be right back.
I jogged from the room and hurried past her couch to dart into the kitchen, only to jar to a surprised halt and gape around me in dismay.
Oh! Raina called after me. Hold up. I think I already boxed away all my cups.
When she appeared behind me, wearing nothing but an oversized T-shirt, I turned to blink at her, and she could tell from my expression alone that something had just changed.
Smile falling, she asked, What s wrong?
I tried to draw in a breath but couldn t seem to get any air. After a moment of forcing myself to calm down, I motioned to the boxes scattered everywhere. You re packing.
Uh… Her brow furrowed in confusion before she glanced around as well and finally answered, Yeah.
So you re… I gulped steadily, determined not to have a panic attack. You re leaving Westport? For good? You re not coming back to Haverick in the fall?
I… She winced and then shook her head. I don t think so. I just—everything feels so different now. My sister died here, and it s… Her gaze sought mine pleadingly as if begging me to understand. I want to go home.
I nodded to let her know I understood. And I did. She couldn t come back without remembering the pain. But knowing she was leaving for good killed me.
As soon as I transfer my rehab over to Galveston, I won t really need this apartment anymore, she was saying as she lifted her arm limply only to flash me a small smile and cross her fingers. Here s hoping I can get out of my lease agreement, huh?
I tried to nod again, tried to be cool about this, but everything inside me felt as if it was crumbling. So I bowed my head and mumbled, I need to go.
But when I tried to step past her to escape, she caught my arm, crying, Foster!
She shook her head, and I knew I was being an ass. I should explain. But it just…hurt.
I m sorry, I rushed out, then gripped my head and shook it. I m sorry, Raina. I just—I can t do this.
Do what? Hey ! She tightened her grip on my arm, not letting me go when I tried to leave again. Talk to me.
I started to shake my head, only to harden my jaw and look straight into her eyes. In there, I said, pointing toward the bedroom. When we did all that, you knew that was the only time we were ever going to be together, didn t you?
I… She blinked wide, startled eyes before shaking her head. I don t know. I guess. I didn t really think about it. But yeah, I m sure it was going to be the only time.
Nodding along with her, I said, I get it. I mean, you had to take the one chance to fuck the quarterback of the football team while it was there, right?
It made sense.
Who could blame her?
But Raina pulled back as if I d slapped her, and I winced, immediately wishing I could take those words back. I m sorry, I gushed, lifting my hands and hating myself. Like I said, I should go.
This time, she let me pass, but she trailed after me as I searched the front room for my shirt. When I found it, it was so tangled that I struggled and fumbled to put it on, cursing when it only got more wadded.
You know, you re unbelievable, Raina railed, scowling as I cursed and tried to straighten my shirt while jerking it on at the same time. You wanted it just as much as I did. And I never once heard you pause and ask what it meant for us.
You re right, I snapped. I didn t ask. I m being a jerk. And I hate it. And I really want to stop, but I just— stupid fucking shirt ! Wadding it into a ball, I threw it on the floor and then set my hands on my hips, bowing my head and breathing hard.
Raina was silent a moment before she hesitantly stepped forward and bent down to pick up the shirt. Then, she calmly untangled the cloth before slowly extending it to me.
I looked up at her and lost it. You re not her, I rasped, breathing hard as I took the shirt and hugged it to my chest as if embracing a ghost.
Her ghost.
Clearly unsure what to do, Raina only shook her head, looking lost as she whispered, What?
I wiped at my face, trying to calm myself. But the fucking pain kept coming. I thought it would be okay if you didn t remember. You look like her. You sound like her. Everything you say is just…her. But— My bottom lip trembled as I shook my head. She never would ve done to me what you just did.
Wha…? Hugging herself, Raina asked, But what did I do?
I shook my head, unable to explain it, and instead, I told her, When I asked everyone not to tell you about your spirit visiting me, it wasn t really because I thought you needed to remember it first. It was because I …needed you to remember. There s no way to tell you what happened and have you feel it the same way we did while we were living it.
Frowning in suspicion, Raina tipped her head at me and then said, What the hell happened between us?
So I just said it. I fell in love with you.
When her mouth dropped open, I lifted one shoulder. Or I fell in love with some spirit version of you that probably doesn t even exist.
But… She shook her head, still gaping at me. How? I—I was a freaking ghost. You couldn t touch me. I was only in a coma for two weeks .
Yeah, I agreed sadly. I know. And I have no idea how it happened. It just did. I lifted my hands helplessly and then let them fall down to my sides again. So… I m really sorry that I flipped out so terribly. I think this was why I didn t want you to know unless you remembered on your own. I subconsciously realized I d do something crazy like this, which… I sighed. Can t be very helpful to you while you re already going through so much. I just—I m sorry. I m so fucking sorry.
Shrugging on my shirt, I started for the door. But Raina touched my arm, and whispered, Foster…
I paused. None of this is your fault. I don t blame you. I know you can t control what you are or aren t able to remember. It just—it s… I finally glanced at her, and all the emotions I felt for her welled to the surface. I didn t care if she never remembered our time together. I didn t care if she never wanted to sleep with me again. I just needed to keep any scrap of her in my life that I could.
Which is why I found myself blurting, Sublease your apartment to me.
Raina blinked and pulled back. What ?
Yeah. Nodding because the idea made more and more sense the longer I thought it through, I added, I need to move out on my own, anyway. Two of my sisters are already squabbling for my bedroom. With a shrug, I added, I was just going to rent a spare room at Archer House since my buddy Hudson s moving out to live with his girlfriend, but… I glanced around Raina s compact apartment. I think this would suit me better. A little time just to myself. And that way, if you do choose to come back in the fall, this will still be here, waiting for you, and I can move into Archer House then .
Foster, I—this… She shook her head, utterly flustered by my sudden change in conversation.
You might remember and want to come back, I pleaded.
Pity filled her eyes. And if I don t?
I lifted one shoulder, then reached out and cupped her cheek gently in my palm. Then I get to keep sleeping under the same roof you did and breathe in the same air you breathed. Sending her a small, begging smile, I wheedled, You can give me that much at least, right?
Her lashes fluttered, letting me know my words affected her. Then she blew out a breath and shook her head. I have no idea what I did to make you fall the first time around, but wow, I wish I could do it again…and remember it this time.