Chapter 5
five
. . .
Awe
Sixteen years ago
desiree
fourteen years old
It wasn’t all bad.
Right around the time Taven was pulling away, quickly dissolving our “best friend” partnership, I gained a new friend.
Melissa Belle had been another recent arrival in school, blessedly replacing my new girl status about halfway through eighth grade. Rumors had been circulating about her. I ignored them all, always feeling a kind of sympathy for her.
The Poor Girl. That’s what everyone said about her because she was there on a scholarship. I kept my mouth shut about the fact that not too long ago, by all their standards, I might have been considered the poor girl too.
I hadn’t ever talked to her, really. Just a passing hi in the bathroom, maybe. She had emerald eyes and the kind of long dark curls I’d hopelessly battled my curling iron for. She also had excessive curves that you envied, maybe because she owned them. The guys loved her tits, popping out over the buttons of our white uniform blouses, and the girls just wanted to be able to fill out a dress like she could. They would never admit that out loud though, naturally. Thus, Melissa seemed to keep to herself, like me.
On the second to last day of school, with the classrooms all muggy and teen hormone levels teetering between grouchy and full-fledged volcanic, some boy called Melissa fat. Ironic considering the kid was a chubby ginger whose blemished cheeks could rival a Pollock painting.
I had just sat down at my desk, plenty of time before the bell even rang, and there were only two other kids in the room when Melissa walked in. “Hey, look. It’s the fat girl,” the one kid said to his friend, under his breath, but given how empty the room still was, it ended up being heard. Literally, though, that’s what the little jerk said to her, I’m not even kidding. He couldn’t even be creative about insulting her.
I watched the interaction from the safety of my seat in the back, hiding my prying eyes behind my upturned water bottle as I pretended to drink. Melissa had just walked by the kid’s desk when the horrifically stupid jab was sling-shot to her. If I were her, I would have run to the bathroom and cried. Dumb, I know, but that’s the truth.
But Melissa? She stopped in her tracks, put her books down on his desk. “What was that now?” she asked, face red and blotchy.
“Oh shit,” said the kid’s friend through a laugh.
“Uh,” the insulter stammered. “You know, we…we have salads here.”
“Right. Appreciate the tip,” she said before pulling her fist back.
She punched him square in the face while I watched in amazement, trying to decide if I should intervene or offer up a kick or something. Not like I’d have the guts to, but it was fun to imagine.
It was just the four of us in the classroom, no one else had filed in yet. Too embarrassed to admit he was hit by a girl, I don’t think the kid ever told a soul.
That was Melissa. She could get away with that kind of thing. Still can. Badass bitch was a phrase I’m still convinced to this day was created with her in mind.
After the punch, she scanned the room, meeting my eyes, the question in them clear. Would I tell?
I placed my water bottle down in front of me, lifted my chin and smiled a closed-mouth grin at her.
The kid got up from his seat, covering the side of his face with his hand as if that could erase our knowledge of what just happened. He grabbed his things and scurried to the door, muttering, “Crazy bitch,” under his breath.
Melissa sat down next to me, a waft of her perfume consuming me and adding to my awe.
“You’re my hero,” I sheepishly croaked out.
Melissa nodded once. “Good. Then that makes you my new best friend.” Which is exactly what happened.
That, and the whole new girl crush that bloomed for me right then. It made Taven slipping through my fingers a whole lot less miserable.
“Take me to your fancy country club, my sweetheart.” Melissa looped her arm into mine, causing the strap of my bag to slip off my shoulder. She replaced it with a light pat, then turned to face the building before us. Her eyes roamed over the stone facade as the rumble of my mom’s engine faded away behind us.
“It’s not that fancy,” I argued.
You have to understand something about the Montgomery Windsor Country Club—it’s for a certain kind of people. A kind that I didn’t really understand at that point in my life, the summer before high school, but my green little mind sure did understand that it was about more than just money there. I just didn’t know what.
I didn’t want Melissa to feel uncomfortable. Truth be told, not even I felt totally comfortable at the place, though prior to today, I’d only ever come with my parents or brother. Maybe having a friend with me would help.
Melissa gave my arm a squeeze. “Girl, it’s a members-only club with like, a bajillion dollar fee to even be able to look at the place. It’s fancy. You have to wait on a list and get sponsored to even join.”
I glanced over to her, the breeze catching the swirl of curls framing her face and making her look far more angelic than I knew she was, given her fist skills. “How do you know that?”
“Easy.”
“Meaning?”
With a shrug she said, “I called and asked about how to join.” She paused our steps, which was good because I was rather shocked to hear that last statement. I stared at her as she plucked a flower from the massive container plant perched beside the glass doors of the entrance, inhaling the spiky, fuchsia petals of the bloom appreciatively before placing it behind my ear. “There. Gorgeous.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe you called the club.” Call me crazy, but the idea of picking up the phone to call anyone was something I hated. Let alone being a naive fourteen-year-old and calling a very grown-up club like this. I would have been a stammering idiot. I had no doubt that wasn’t the case for my new friend.
She shrugged. “Of course I did. I needed to know what I was up against.”
“Right,” I said as we continued toward the entrance.
We stepped in through the glass doors and the blast of air conditioning gave us reprieve from the July heat. The receptionist, Lacey, was smiling at us and darting her eyes to the flower in my hair. I panicked that she had seen the act of thievery and was going to scold us, even though Lacey was the only nice employee of the place.
Lacey beamed at me. “I love the look, Ms. Hatson.”
“Ms. Hatson,” Melissa gushed with dramatic flair. “See? Fancy.”
I rolled my eyes. “Just call me Desiree. And…thanks,” I bumbled. We stepped up closer to the marble-topped desk and I fished through my bag to find my card.
Lacey waved me off. “You’re fine, Desiree. Do I really need to repeat myself? I know who you are, you don’t have to show your card to me.”
“I know, I know,” I said, my cheeks flaming. “Everyone else always makes me show it. Sorry.”
She ignored my unwarranted apology and looked at Melissa. “Bringing a guest today, I see?” she asked as she scooted a clipboard my way and I scribbled in Melissa’s name.
“Not just any guest,” Melissa crooned, as if Lacey the receptionist was about to hear big news. “I’m Melissa, Desiree’s very best friend.”
Lacey grinned. “That makes you a friend to me as well then. Here by yourselves?”
I pulled my shoulders back in an attempt to have as much confidence as possible. You weren’t technically allowed to be unsupervised at the club until you were sixteen, but I knew other kids were dropped here all the time without their parents. It was the kind of crowd that liked shipping their kids off to boarding schools followed by summer camps, favoring part-time parenting a Norman Rockwell painting would know nothing about.
“Yup,” I nodded. “My parents dropped us off, though they’ll be back in a little bit,” I rushed to add. It was a lie, they had some other plans, and Dylan would be picking us up, but I felt the need to keep Lacey out of trouble in case she was somehow blamed for letting us in .
Melissa looked at me quizzically, and I rushed through the rest of our Lacey interaction with eagerness, relieved when we successfully made it past her desk and through the paneled halls.
I glanced down at the paisley carpet, thinking that in some bizarre way, the club smelled like paisley, as if that could be a thing. Everything had a paisley theme around here. If it wasn’t the pattern itself, it was the fancy way the bartender swirled bottles in the air before pouring your drink. It was the tear-drop pendants dripping from women’s chains around their neck. I started to think of the place not as Montgomery Windsor, but as the Paisley Club.
I shared my thought with Melissa, turning it into a little rhyme. “The Paisley patrons, all swirling and boozy. Some trying to remain polished, others definite floozies.”
She laughed, saying, “You’re an odd duck, Dez. And I love it. You have all these random thoughts that make you a fabulous human.”
I pulled my head back, surprised by the compliment. “Thank you?”
She frowned at me. “Don’t put a question into that statement, there’s nothing to question. Just say ‘thank you’ like you know you’re amazing, because you are. You’re the only girl from school that I actually like.”
I loved her already. I aspired to be like her.
We walked through the double doors and across a stone terrace, and Melissa smiled at a bathing-suit clad toddler wearing swimmies bigger than him. A harried-looking young woman raced after him and passed us, whisper-yelling, “Wait up, where are you going? Get back here! Remember what your mother said about listening better to me!” The kid only giggled and ran faster.
“Well, he looks like a hellion,” Melissa noted.
“Glad I’m not his nanny,” I agreed.
When we made our way out to the pool area, Melissa immediately went into oooing and ahhhing at every opulent detail. “I think I found my new favorite place in the whole world. ”
There was a massive pool, flanked by hot tubs on high platforms. Meticulous container plants dotted every corner, perfect spills of vines creeping over the edges, skirting the tropical palms and accompanying rainbow blooms. A massive u-shaped bar stood to one side, half raised and sheltered under an awning, the other half sunken into the pool with underwater bar stools running parallel. There were waterfall fountains, a lazy river meandering throughout, cabanas and couches framed with gauzy white panels. In the distance were the greens of the golf course. The wives spent time here with their nannies and children, the husbands making their way back in waves, removing their golf gloves before bending down to kiss the cheeks of their bikini-clad women.
I remember the first time my parents had taken me to the club. Everyone had their own pools at home, I was sure, yet they all still hung out here. I thought that the whole club was more like a resort. I imagined that’s exactly what Melissa was thinking now too.
I threw my bag down on a lounge chair, gesturing to Melissa to do the same. “Well, I’m glad we did this, then, if it’s your new favorite place.” It was my time of the month, and I hadn’t mastered the art of tampons yet, so I hadn’t really been thrilled with the game plan presented by my parents. But the look of excitement in Melissa’s eyes had me happy we came.
That, and I knew I’d probably see Taven. Not that I ever really said much to him beyond a sheepish “Hi” in passing anymore, since he’d declared to me a few weeks ago that our friendship was making his girlfriend uncomfortable. Stupid Evelyn.
I had met her during the club’s Hazy Days of Summer bash, the unofficial opening of the pool for the season, even though it had technically been open since Memorial Day.
“So you’re the girl Taven always talks about,” Evelyn had said, curt smile that relayed, I hate that he talks about you .
“Yup, this is my Dezzie,” Taven had confirmed, then cleared his throat and lowered his voice. “She’s like a sister to me.”
Stab to the heart. “Sister” was about a million times worse than “friend zone.”
And then later that evening, back at home, I got the text.
T: Evelyn doesn’t like how much I talk to you.
D: Why? That’s dumb.
T: I know, not like she has anything to worry about.
D: Of course not.
T: But I promised not to text you so much. To make her more comfortable. You understand, right?
D: Sure. Yeah, I get it.
What else could I say?
Since that awful declaration, when I was at the club, I’d hole myself away in a corner with a book, hoping to be invisible while Taven’s parents and mine perched themselves by the poolside bar. Thankfully, my mom stopped pushing the me-and-Taven thing, I guess feeling confident that her “right people” friendship was securely in place.
But as beautifully as my comfort around Taven had grown, obsessions and all, it pretty quickly vanished after that declaration. In my mind, he had gone back to some mysterious place of intrigue, topped with a whole lot of “He doesn’t want you, he chose her” insecurities. Snap, just like that, I was back to feeling unsure and uncomfortable around him, like every flaw I had was blasting through speakers at full volume. The connection I thought we had was apparently all in my head, and I felt like a fool.
Melissa snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Yo! Earth to Dez!” I looked down at the small table next to us and watched as she unloaded her bag with gummy bears and a Vogue magazine, setting up shop like she’d done this a million times before.
“Sorry, lost in thought.”
“I can tell,” she laughed. “You want some gummy bears?”
I shook my head and ran my tongue over the smoothness of my teeth, now braces free. My stomach was in knots, wondering if Taven would be here today and if he’d be curious about the new friend I had with me.
I scanned the area, looking for his signature swoop of hair. There were several women engaged in conversation as they occupied the chaise lounges near the pool, but far enough away from the splash zone that circled the water’s edge. There was a line at the bar, both on land and in the pool, and I could hear the bartenders complimenting the guests as they prepared drinks. I was about to give up my search when I heard a familiar laugh.
Sure enough, there he was. With a group of guys, a few older ones too, maybe, all roughhousing in the shallow end. Playing some basketball game. And no Evelyn, to my relief.
I tried not to stare, I really did. I’m sure I was subtle behind the veil of the heart-shaped glasses Melissa had insisted I wear.
Melissa stripped off her dress beside me to reveal her curvaceous body in a black bikini. Our plan to come here had been last minute, so she had to borrow one of my mom’s swimsuits, since there was no way mine would fit her. Even my mom’s was a bit tight on her, but Melissa didn’t seem an ounce uncomfortable. “Come on,” she said, nodding her head toward the deep end and the two steaming hot tubs perched above. “Let’s be very fancy in there. You can dangle your legs in the water while I soak. Sound good?”
I liked how assertive Melissa was. It made being her friend very easy, I didn’t feel pressure to be funny or interesting. She could do that all on her own, and in fact, I found she inspired a more relaxed side of me whenever I was around her.
When Melissa had an idea in her head, she went with it. I had always felt like I had somehow missed a step in the maturity game, but being around her made me feel like maybe high school wasn’t going to be so scary after all. Maybe I was ready for the final stages of being a kid.
We were about five minutes into our soak, my calves tomato red from the heat, when I noticed Taven heading our way. I had to bite my cheek to distract myself from staring.
Melissa nudged my leg. “Hot guy alert.”
I kicked my legs around in the bubbling water, willing it to ease my nerves. “I actually know him,” I said with the tiniest semblance of pride. “His parents and my parents are good friends.”
She smirked in a half-smile. “Lucky.”
Taven crouched down beside me, saying, “Hi, ladies,” and my eyes flicked to the scars on his knees, the signature marks of a former boy and his adventures. “Like the new look, Dez,” he grinned, those beautiful dark eyes of his scanning my face, the heart sunglasses, the spiky flower still tucked behind my ear. “Dazzling, Dez. Maybe I’ll switch up your nickname.”
I smiled sheepishly. “Melissa’s styling me like her own personal Barbie doll.”
Taven turned to look her way, saying something about how his sister used to do the same thing to him. I tried not to be jealous as Melissa threw her head back and laughed about wanting to see pictures, and him telling her, not on his life. Their banter was so easy. It had taken me weeks, hell, months to talk to him like that. Boom, first meeting and Melissa’s there.
I stumbled my way through proper introductions, my heart thumping furiously the whole time. Despite my jealousy, I was glad I had Melissa there to take the pressure off, though I hadn’t mentioned to her anything about my crush. I had a feeling she would see right through me and figure it out. I kind of hoped she would, anyhow, then maybe back off any flirtation attempts. It occurred to me, however, that I didn’t know her well enough at that point to know whether or not she was the steal-your-guy type. The thought scared me. I couldn’t imagine the rage I’d feel if all this time, I’d quietly sat around waiting for the Evelyn phase to be over, to then lose Taven to the confident radiance of Melissa.
Taven turned to face me again. “So, Dazzle, I came to invite you two over. We’re getting ready to start a new round. You guys wanna play?”
Melissa leaned forward to eye up the kids in the pool, her boobs floating immaculately in front of her while I pretended not to notice the quick glance Taven most definitely darted at them. Not that I could blame him. She really did have exquisite boobs, and my mind briefly went to a flash of imagining touching them, followed by a heat of embarrassment and wondering if maybe that meant I was gay.
“With those guys?” she asked, eyeing up the teenage testosterone with clear appreciation. “Absolutely.” She climbed out of the tub, water gloriously dripping off her curves, and then she dove straight into the pool, leaving Taven and me. I wondered how her bikini top was going to stay on after a dive like that. When she bobbed back through the surface of water and did a quick tuck of her breasts, I was relieved on her behalf.
“New friend?” Taven asked me, his eyes never leaving the spectacle that was Melissa Belle as she swam right up to his group of friends.
“Yeah, met her right at the end of school. She’s nice.”
He leaned his shoulder into me, giving me a little shove. His skin was warm from the sun. I craved more contact. “Good for you, Dazzle. A Bingo square conquered.” He looked back over to Melissa and the guys, and I followed his gaze. One guy was saying something to her and she placed a dramatic hand on her chest before poking his shoulder and laughing.
Eyes still held on his crew, Taven whispered, “I’ve missed you, you know.”
“Pretty busy with Evelyn, I guess.” It had to be said. I couldn’t help myself, even though I knew I sounded petty and needy. I wanted him to feel guilty.
“I think you’d really like her if you got to know her. ”
I looked back up to him, allowing a moment to admire the way his hair swooped over his forehead, a fat water droplet waiting for its moment to drop from the end. I didn’t tell him that me not liking her wasn’t the problem.
“I uhh…I can’t swim,” I blurted out, eager to move away from the Evelyn subject. It was agony to hear anything about his girlfriend, and knowing how she felt about me, there was no way I was going to pretend to be her friend, locked in the most horrific third-wheel position of all time.
He looked back to me, eyebrows furrowed. I prayed he wouldn’t ask me why I couldn’t swim. I had kept my jean shorts on, and was hoping he’d figure it out on his own.
He looked down at my shorts, then scanned my legs, and if I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I heard his breath catch a bit. But then he placed his palms on his thighs and pressed himself up to a stand. “That’s alright, Dazzle,” he said, extending a hand to me to pull me up from my perch. “You can just dangle your feet in on that end and be our judge.”
I stood up next to him, very aware that he kept a hold of my hand, even with me now steady on my feet.
“Okay,” was all I said.