Chapter 28
twenty-eight
. . .
Risk
Ten years ago
desiree
twenty years old
The bar was loud and crowded, but I was a few fruity drinks in and feeling fabulously warm. A handful of us were there, celebrating Taven’s decision to drop out of school, and I was chatting my way through the philosophies of some cultural phenomenon or another with my roommate, Katja. She had bright blue hair and giant grayish eyes, and I remember giggling, thinking she looked like one of the Bratz dolls that the girls I nannied for would play with. She asked what was so funny and I shared my observation. She nodded her head and thanked me for the compliment.
“Despacito” was blaring in the background, and Katja pulled me by the hand up to the dance floor. “Come on, I love this song!”
Normally I didn’t dance because I didn’t love the feeling of being on display. That, and I never knew what to do with my arms, but that night, I had decided to let loose. I followed along after her, tugging my dress down my thighs and regretting the decision to wear heels. We swayed along, my eyes randomly finding their way to the bar to where Taven was talking to some brunette. He had just broken up with his girlfriend a few weeks before, and while my friend-zone status with him was tolerable when he was with someone, I couldn’t help but feel my crush level up whenever he was single. A quiet ache in my heart that continued thumping away. Me pleading with the universe to let this be our time.
His eyes caught mine and he winked. I smiled back, satisfied that he wasn’t too busy talking to that girl that he’d forgotten about me.
I spun myself around, throwing my arms up in the air and shimmying my hips with liquid courage. Katja backed her ass up to mine and I laughed as she slid up and down my body like I was her own personal stripper pole.
It reminded me of something Melissa would do, which made me sad. I hadn’t spoken to her in months at that point, my last text asking if I’d done something to make her mad going unanswered. My mind wandered to where she was now, if she was out dancing with some new replacement best friend, or if she was snuggled up with a guy, falling madly in love and having no more room in her life for me.
So when some random guy grabbed my waist and pulled me close to him to dance, I went along with it. He was cute, with longish hair and a snake tattoo up his forearm. I recognized him from somewhere I couldn’t place. We were off campus at one of the tried-and-true places where my fake ID would work, since I was the only one in our group not yet twenty-one. Maybe I’d seen him here before, who knows.
I swayed along with snake guy, secretly hoping Taven was watching and feeling some stirs of envy. I willed myself not to look his way, to pay him no attention whatsoever. I was mostly successful.
When snake guy crashed his lips onto mine, his tongue darting into my mouth and bringing along with it hints of a lager, I wrapped my arms around his neck and dove in. Please let Taven be watching. The guy grabbed my ass, then pulled back, breathing into my neck, “You’re so sexy. So fucking sexy.”
I was desired. It felt good.
What didn’t feel good was later. After several more songs and one too many drinks, I decided I needed some air. Snake guy offered to come with me, and we stumbled out to the dark sidewalk, hand in hand and sticky with sweat and spilled drinks after sloshing around on the dance floor. The air was chilly, and I pulled my arms around myself in a hug to fight off the cold.
“Here, come on,” snake guy said, pulling me around the corner to the small alleyway beside the bar. “Let’s get you out of the wind.”
“Okay,” I said, tagging mindlessly along behind him.
He wasted no time in kissing me. He pushed me against the brick wall of the building, tongue roaming and hips pressing against mine. His hands were everywhere, and I remember feeling like I was his own personal please-touch museum. Not that I minded the exploration, I just wished they were someone else’s hands.
When he lifted my dress up past my thighs and over my ass, I laughed as I pushed him back. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” I asked, tugging my dress back down. I was trying to keep my tone light, but it dawned on me that following this guy down a dark alleyway was not my brightest idea. Damn drinks. Messing with my head. I was drunk, more so than I realized, and I stumbled on my heels .
“Easy now,” he said through a grin, cradling my arm to steady me.
“Maybe we should get back inside.”
The look he was giving me was all predator, and I went to step past him. He placed an arm on the wall behind me, blocking me. “Come on, baby,” he said, pressing his lips to mine once again.
I let him kiss me, the sound of his grunts and groans now filling me with disgust and dread. What was I thinking, wandering out here with him like this? All to make Taven jealous, I realized with self-contempt. How pathetic I had been. And now I’m stuck trying to play along with this guy who is quickly becoming far more aggressive than I would have given him credit for. I felt embarrassed at the situation I had put myself in.
I tried not to freak out, figuring I’d let the guy get his kicks in before trying once more to get out of his grasp. Everything would be fine, there was nothing to worry about. He’s just drunk and a little pushy, that’s all.
When I finally couldn’t take anymore, I turned my head from him and tried to pull away a second time. I started to slip past him, only this time he was more forceful when he stopped me, his hand wrapping around and squeezing my arm to pull me back.
I let out a nervous chuckle. “My, eager tonight, aren’t we?”
I didn’t even know the guy’s name. Didn’t know a damn thing about what kind of person he was or if he was going to let me off easy. For all I knew, he could have been a serial killer.
He raised his forearm and pressed me firm against the wall, and I stood there in horror as I listened to the sounds of him trying to work to undo his jeans.
“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to hide the alarm in my voice.
He chuckled. The sound was revolting. “Don’t play shy, you’re fucking hot as hell, Desiree.” He kept holding me firm as he worked to undo his belt buckle, fumbling and cursing. All I could think through my haze of drinks was how did he know my name .
“Appreciate that, but please get off me,” I said, pushing against him with zero success.
“No one can see, it’s fine.”
As if that was what I was worried about. Was he serious? “Let me be clear, I’m not interested in doing whatever it is you think you’re doing.”
He ignored me. Like I had said nothing at all.
I tried again. “Stop it, get off me,” I repeated. My voice sounded weak, so I tried again more loudly. “Get off me, now .”
He paused his movements, eased off me momentarily and I had the slightest glimmer of relief. I had been overreacting, see? He stopped.
What I didn’t expect was the slam against the wall that he gave me next.
The force was so startling, I thought I might be dreaming. That had to be it, I was dreaming. Caught in some nightmare. My head hit the brick, and a burst of pain seared through me. “Hold still,” he said, his voice like a distant echo in my head. Hold still, hold still , as if I hadn’t just told him to get off me. There was not an ounce of the previous warmth held in his tone, and even through his force, I still felt confused, like I was misreading the situation.
This is not happening. This can’t really be happening, was all I could think.
Please God, I’ll do anything. Please let this not be happening.
I should scream, I thought, but it’s as if my voice was caught in my chest. There was something scary about screaming in that moment. I tried anyways, shouting, “Help me,” but it wasn’t loud enough. I felt too shy to be loud, almost embarrassed. Like if I really truly screamed out with all my might for someone to help me, and someone came, they’d all laugh at the ridiculousness of me actually thinking the guy was trying to rape me, right here on the side of a building.
He laughed and covered my mouth, and I tried to breathe out through my nose, but it was hard. I squirmed to free his hand from my face so I could catch my breath, but that only made him push against me harder. “You playing hard to get?” he said, along with some other absurd words, but I tried to tune them out.
I could barely move with him pinning me to the wall like that, so I held myself still, scared to move and have him slam me again and knock me unconscious. He pulled my dress up once more and pushed his fingers past my underwear. I tried to squeeze my legs closed as hard as possible, and he kicked at my knee, using the opportunity to dig his fingers inside me while I squeezed my eyes shut. I thought I might pass out as his disgusting mouth pressed to my neck while he invaded my body.
I struggled with heavy breaths through my nostrils, my mind swirling through a thousand ways I could possibly get out of this. Do I act like I’m okay with this in hopes that I could get him to let his guard down? Then kick my knee into his crotch and run away? My limbs suddenly felt like lead, and I had the distinct feeling that that was a nice bit of hope, that I’d be strong enough to overtake this guy. I had a distinct feeling that his mission was much stronger. I should have shouted louder for help. Good God, why hadn’t I shouted louder when I had the chance? I didn’t know. I didn’t know he would take it this far. Why hadn’t I known?
I had tears spilling down and I tried to breathe in as much air as possible anytime his grasp on my face slightly slipped. He continued pushing his hand into me, and I prayed that would be all he’d do. Maybe that would be enough for him.
Maybe I somehow deserved this. After all, I was the one who initiated coming out here, right?
I tried to slink out of my body. Please, Taven. Come outside and look for me. Please.
Maybe if this guy tried to undo his jeans again, that could be my chance. I could just hold still until then, save up my strength for my moment.
Unless he slammed me to the ground, then I’d be done for.
When the sound of Taven’s voice came calling around the corner, I half denied myself the prayer of hope. That Taven was actually out here, calling my name. I popped open my eyes, but I couldn’t see anything, just the sharp angles and shapes of this guy pressing against me. I closed my eyes again, trying to eke out any sound I could from my voice.
And then I felt the most wonderful feeling of absence of pressure, and a gust of air on the front of my body. I stumbled to the side and desperately inhaled all the air I could, scared to open my eyes and still see the guy in front of me.
I heard Taven’s voice. Saying he was going to kill him. I heard the scuffle, the sound of thumps of fists hitting flesh.
Taven saying he was going to kill this disgusting piece of shit.
I scrambled to pull my dress back down and opened my eyes to see Taven on top of the guy on the ground in front of me, fists flying as the predator covered his face with his forearms in cowardly retreat. Taven was a blur of movement, punching, then raising the guy by his shirt before slamming him into the ground. He rose up to a stand and kicked the guy in the abdomen, the head, taunting him and shouting, “Aren’t you going to fight back, you fucking little shit,” and at that point I realized he wasn’t going to stop any time soon.
I reached for his shoulders. “Taven, come on. You’re going to kill him, we have to go.”
“I am going to kill him,” he said, expression like something I’d never seen before. Something wild and uncontrollable.
“Please, Taven. Stop, we have to go,” I pleaded. I scanned around, looking for anyone around to help as I realized there was going to be no good end to this.
I rushed around the corner and into the bar, scanning heads until I found Felix, one of the guys in our group. I pulled him by the arm and rushed him back outside, hearing his startled “What the fuck?” as I shoved him over to Taven.
I prayed to God that Felix could stop Taven before he killed the guy.