Chapter 40
forty
. . .
Discernment
Present Day
taven
Sunday, 1:13pm
I stand back a few steps as I watch my mother and Desiree walk side by side. The pathway winding through the cemetery is quiet and peaceful, and I listen as my mom tells a most unexpected story.
“Your mom and I lived together briefly when she was seventeen and I was eighteen,” she tells Desiree. I hadn’t been aware of this, and it’s clear Desiree hadn’t been either. As far as we knew, our fathers had met at a conference or something, and forged the brief Hatson-Carlisle alliance that way.
“You mean after my grandparents died?” Desiree asks. She pauses her steps and turns to my mother, and I can see the confusion on her face. “You knew her then?”
My mom nods. “Very shortly, yes. We lived in a group home for teen girls.”
“Like an orphanage? I thought my mom had been in a foster home for that time.”
My mother puts her hand around Desiree’s shoulder, and guides them to continue walking. “She did for a bit, yes. But it was not a safe home, and so she was brought to the place I lived.” I notice my mother doesn’t mention where this place was. She’s always been dismissive at mentioning much about her past, and I wonder why. No doubt it’s because of elements of her past that she guards, not wanting to tarnish her reputation. It’s something I struggle to understand. While there are certainly aspects of my past I’m not proud of, I also recognize the importance of being honest with myself. Honest with others, too. It’s how we fight the isolation we can otherwise feel. No sense in pretending everything’s perfect when it can be helpful to both ourselves and people with similar struggles to hear the hard truths.
But that’s never been my mother’s way.
Desiree looks back to me as if to confirm I’m still here. I smile and give an encouraging nod. She looks back to my mom. “What do you mean it wasn’t safe, what happened at the foster home?”
I see the gentle squeeze of Desiree’s shoulder. “Just another man with a will to do harm to young girls.”
“Was it ever reported? No matter how long ago it was, we should still report it, he could still be hurting people.” There’s alarm in Desiree’s voice.
My mom lets out a little laugh. “Looks like you’ve learned a thing or two.” I wince at knowing she’s referring to what happened to my Dazzle when we were in college. I can’t help the involuntary squeeze of my fist I have at the thought. I should have killed that fucker.
My mom continues. “No need to worry about that, though. Your mom did tell, so it’s out there. And the man died of a heart attack soon after.”
Desiree’s quiet, just nodding and absorbing, I guess, as the three of us continue to walk along. She talks about how close she and Holly were, like sisters who were always meant to be. She shares stories of how they’d dream together of the future lives they’d live—far away from here. How when Desiree’s mom came into her small inheritance, she gave my mom ten thousand dollars, and my mom promised to pay her back one day. With interest, times ten.
A hundred thousand dollars.
The check my father had given Desiree all those years ago, after we learned what had happened with Jacqui. I remember being so disgusted with my parents, thinking they were paying off this shithead and his family as a way to stay away, and I hated what I thought to be their belief that money could solve such an unforgivable problem. I thought it was an insult to Jacqui.
But holy shit, that’s not what it was. I wonder if Desiree’s making that connection, too. The money had nothing to do with Jacqui, it was just my mom keeping up her promise, knowing she’d have to part ways with her old friend again.
“Times ten,” Desiree whispers. “My mom’s tattoo.” She looks at my mother. “My mom had a ‘times ten’ tattoo on her ribcage, hidden under her breast. I saw it when she was sick. That was because of you?”
My mom smiles. “She did?”
“Yes. Do you have one too? Matching tattoos?”
My mom shakes her head. “Good God, no. Do I strike you as the type of woman who would have a tattoo?” All I can think is hell no. “But I’m glad to hear Holly had that,” she says. “I like that.”
When we have made a full circle and arrive at our cars, my mom faces Desiree, who asks, “Why all the secrecy about your friendship? I mean, like you said, even in my mother’s dying days, you would think she would have told me about how you and her really knew one another. It doesn’t make any sense.”
My mom takes Desiree’s hands. “Suffice it to say that some things are best to remain out of the ears of people who don’t need to know. We had our reasons, though, I can assure you. ”
“What kind of reasons?” I ask. I’m not sure what Desiree’s thinking, but I have a feeling there’s a whole lot more to the story.
My mom looks back and forth between us both. “Just know that back then, things were often difficult. While your mother and I were lucky to have one another, it was within circumstance that were not the easiest. Memories we’d rather leave behind us, which is why we decided to build new lives for ourselves. But your mother was always in my heart. It wasn’t until years later when Bill and I were looking to shift gears in our own careers that I finally reached out to your mom. We arranged to have our husbands meet. I imagined we would likely share about our history at some point in time. But, well—you know the rest.”
Desiree drops her head down. “I do know, now. Taven only just told me about what happened with my dad. I don’t even know what to say.”
I see the expression shift on my mother’s face at the mention of Frank Hatson. I can only imagine what she’s thinking. “Well, I’m happy to hear that you didn’t follow in the plan to join in on his businesses, and that you chose a path for yourself. A pediatrician, I heard, right?”
“Yup,” Desiree confirms. “It was something my mom encouraged right as she was in her last days. She wanted me to do my own thing. Even said I should drop out of med school if I wanted,” she says with a laugh. “But I knew I loved medicine.”
“A science mind, like your mom.”
I’ve remained mostly quiet through their exchange, just allowing them to take this strange moment to themselves, but now I step forward and take Desiree’s hand. “A natural healer, I have no doubt.” I plant a kiss on her head, and turn to face my mother, daring her to show any ounce of disapproval.
She studies me for a moment, then scans her eyes over to Desiree. “Never in a million years did I think Holly’s daughter and my son would end up together. But you two never could seem to stay away, could you?”
“Full circle,” I say .
My mother nods, her eyes pensive. “Indeed. The lifecycle of a crush, I suppose.”
I smile. “Mom. It’s the final phase of a crush. Desiree is the love of my life.”
My mom steps forward and gives us both an awkward group hug. I pull her in tightly and slightly lift her off the ground, telling her she can do better than a lukewarm embrace.
She laughs, pulling back and straightening out her blouse, saying, “Maybe all the hell Holly and I went through was for this, then. Right here. Maybe we were meant to have you two. And you two were meant to have each other.”