Chapter 27
Kate takes a long sip from her large glass of Italian white, savouring the smell and the warmth that fills her throat as she swallows. It’s her first taste of alcohol since having Rosie. She’s been trying to avoid it because of breastfeeding, but when Phoebe ordered a bottle from the handsome deli owner, she found herself not wanting to say no. She can ‘pump and dump’ later. She needs this, especially after the emotions of the day.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t mention Rosie when we chatted this morning,’ she says to Phoebe after taking another sip. Catching her eye across the table, she notices how Phoebe’s expression seems to have been relaxed by the wine too. It’s just the two of them in the deli, but the owner has discreetly disappeared to the kitchen, where Kate can hear sounds of him moving about, preparing the food they’ve ordered.
‘You don’t have to apologise. I guess we didn’t share that much about ourselves at all. Too busy spotting kingfishers and eating cake.’
‘And yet we saw each other semi-naked.’
Phoebe lets out a laugh. ‘That’s very true. I’ll be honest, I nearly didn’t recognise you in your clothes.’
They share a giggle.
‘I’ve always thought it’s a strange thing about swimming,’ Kate says. ‘You take all your clothes off in front of total strangers in the changing room – or by the river, in our case this morning – but then you put them back on again and go back to your dry-land life, maybe not seeing those people again until the next time you’re wriggling into a swimsuit alongside one another.’
‘Or until you bump into them in the street and that stranger forces you to come for coffee with them, which turns into wine,’ says Phoebe with a smile, raising her glass.
‘You absolutely didn’t force me. I was pleased to see a friendly face.’ Looking over at Phoebe, Kate senses that maybe she has had a bit of a day too. ‘Long day?’ she asks.
Phoebe slumps a little lower in her chair, taking another long sip of her wine.
‘Something like that.’
‘Tell me about it?’
On the other side of the table, Phoebe raises an eyebrow.
‘Are you sure you want to hear?’
‘Positive. It will be nice to focus on someone else’s baggage for a change.’
Phoebe raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she takes a deep breath and starts to talk. Kate sips her wine and listens as she describes the pressures of her job. Kate can hear the stress in Phoebe’s voice and wonders how she missed it earlier when they swam side by side in the river. How didn’t she see that this woman who is so different from her in so many ways carries so many of her own fears?
‘I get that feeling of letting people down,’ she tells Phoebe. ‘I feel it all the time with my daughter. It’s like, however hard I try, I’m still getting it wrong. And it matters so much. I can’t get it wrong.’
‘Yes!’ says Phoebe, slapping a hand on the table. ‘That’s exactly how it feels.’
‘And I bet you feel guilty too because you chose your career? So you feel like you should just be able to suck it up and cope with the hard parts?’
‘That’s exactly it. My patients need me to be strong.’
They nod at one another in understanding and Kate suddenly feels very glad that they ran into one another. When Phoebe gets onto the subject of her ex-boyfriend, Kate can feel her fists curling in anger on behalf of her new friend.
‘He took all your furniture?’
Phoebe nods.
‘So, what have you been sleeping on?’
‘A mattress on the floor. The benevolent bastard left me the mattress at least.’
The kitchen door swings open and the owner of the deli comes towards them holding a large wooden board piled with slices of cheese, rolls of cured meats, chunks of bread and little pots containing oils and olives.
‘Jesus, that looks fucking amazing, Luca,’ says Phoebe, smiling up at him.
As Kate looks on, she wonders if there is something going on between him and Phoebe.
‘Luca nearly killed us in the river the other day,’ says Phoebe. ‘He has apologised, although I’m not certain if he means it.’
‘And I’m not certain Phoebe has forgiven me.’
‘We’re neighbours,’ Phoebe explains, gesturing above her head. ‘I live just upstairs.’
‘Oh! That must be pretty great, having somewhere like this right on your doorstep. It’s a lovely place, even nicer inside than it looks from the street.’
Luca’s cheeks colour and he runs a hand through his dark hair. ‘Thank you. I’m not sure I’ve been the best neighbour so far …’
‘Awful,’ Phoebe replies and Luca raises an eyebrow.
As Kate watches the way Phoebe and Luca look at one another, she desperately wants to question Phoebe about the clear something that’s going on between them but decides to hold back. They don’t know each other well yet.
‘Anyway, I’ll leave you both to it. Enjoy.’
Once he’s gone, Kate takes another sip of her glass of wine, noticing as she does that Phoebe has already poured herself another large glass.
‘It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate,’ Kate says gently once they are alone again, Luca back in the kitchen and the rest of the tables in the deli empty. ‘I think it’s amazing what you do. But it’s a lot of responsibility. It must be heavy to carry sometimes.’
Kate’s phone buzzes in her pocket.
‘Do you mind?’ she asks, gesturing to her phone.
‘Go ahead,’ mumbles Phoebe, her mouth filled with cheese.
As Kate reads, she lets out a sigh, a frown creasing her forehead.
‘What is it?’
‘It’s my work friends …’ Kate explains about Emma’s wedding dress shopping trip and how she was left off the invite list. ‘I know it sounds silly when I say it all out loud. But I still feel hurt. Leonie just sent me another message with a reminder of the address of the dress shop and time of the appointment. It’s on Saturday.’
‘And you’re still not going?’
‘I don’t know …’
‘Do you want to be there?’
Kate pictures Emma stepping out of a changing room wearing a white dress and the inhale of breath she just knows she would take seeing her friend looking so beautiful but, most importantly, so happy.
‘Of course I do. She’s one of my best friends.’
‘So, I think you have your answer then.’
‘It sounds so simple when you say it.’
Kate watches as Phoebe takes another slug of wine and twists her red hair around her finger.
‘Maybe it is? They’re your mates. They obviously love you and I doubt they meant to hurt you.’
‘Maybe you’re right … I miss them.’
‘And maybe they miss you too?’
‘Hmm, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I guess I just keep picturing them going to work together and having drinks and things and I feel like I’m on the outside.’ And it’s not just now. When she returns to work after her maternity leave, she will only be in the London office one day a week, working remotely the rest of the time. It feels as if one chapter of their friendship is over forever.
‘But you’re having this whole new life too,’ Phoebe says, gesturing towards the pram. ‘I’ve never been certain if I want kids or not, but I still remember feeling left behind when my brother had his first. Then his second. I love being an aunty but sometimes when I look at my brother and his family, I feel like he’s part of this whole different world and belongs to a club I’m not invited to. Your friends might feel that way too.’
It shocks Kate to realise she hadn’t even thought of it like that before. How has she got so caught up in her own worries that she hasn’t put herself in her friends’ shoes? And now, by not responding to their messages, she might have pushed them away for good.
‘Thanks, Phoebe. I think I needed to hear that.’
‘And I needed to offload. I don’t often talk about work stuff. Thanks for listening.’
‘It’s a pleasure. I imagine you do your fair share of listening in your job. But you need to be able to talk too. And if you ever feel like doing it again, you know where I am. You have my number from the WhatsApp group.’
‘Thanks, Kate,’ Phoebe says, her eyes growing misty.
‘I really mean it too.’
‘I know.’ Phoebe takes a deep breath and reaches for a slice of prosciutto. ‘So, do you think you’re going to start swimming regularly with the group?’
‘Yes,’ Kate says with a smile. She’s already talked to Jay about it and he’s agreed to look after Rosie in the mornings so she can go. He was delighted, in fact. ‘I don’t think I’m really myself when I don’t swim. Jazz was onto something when she said outdoor swimming should be prescribed on the NHS.’
‘Hmm,’ says Phoebe, a light appearing in her eyes. ‘That’s actually really interesting …’
At that moment, Rosie begins to cry. Kate rocks the pram back and forth with her foot and checks the time on her phone.
‘I should probably get back and get her to bed, if you don’t mind?’
‘That’s fine. I’m ready for bed too.’
‘I know that feeling,’ Kate says with a laugh. ‘I’m always ready for bed at the moment. Anyway, I’m really glad we did this.’
‘Me too.’
They hug one another with more warmth than might be expected from two people who were strangers at the start of the day.
‘See you soon,’ Kate says as she puts down some money for her share of the food and waves goodbye, hoping that it will turn out to be true.
As she pushes Rosie back towards home, she takes long, steady breaths. Everything that she has been worrying about is still there, but she feels a new lightness since speaking the words out loud to Jay. She realises that the reason she took so long to open up to him was because she was terrified of him judging her as a terrible mother. But now she wonders if the only person who has really been judging her is herself. Her conversation with Phoebe has helped too, giving her a new perspective on the situation with her friends.
She adjusts her grip on the pram so that she is manoeuvring it with one hand. In the other, she grabs her phone and starts looking up train tickets to London.