Chapter 38
It’s a good day when Kate gets to go for a swim. It’s a great day when she gets to swim more than once. In the morning, she joins The Farleigh on Avon River Swimming, Bathing and Recreational Water-Based Activities Club, except today they are down one of their usual members. Phoebe isn’t there. Kate assumes she must be busy with work, but she sends her a message anyway to check in. She’s yet to receive a reply.
While Phoebe might not be there, some new swimmers join them. Kate’s face lights up with excitement when she sees Lexi, Jess, Sophie and Olivia from the Tired Mums Club heading through the meadow carrying their swimming bags. She’s even happier to see they have managed to make it here without their babies. They’re a little nervous about getting in the water at first, but, in the end, Kate jumps in with them from the pontoon and as soon as they burst up from underwater, they are all laughing and smiling.
‘God, I needed this!’ cries Lexi.
The other women welcome the new members warmly. Jazz seems a little quieter than usual, but she explains it away as a headache and seems to brighten once they’re in the water.
As they swim, they spot Bert the kingfisher again, much to their delight. It hits Kate that this is something that would never have happened back in London. As much as she loved her lido, there’s something magical about being so close to nature here at the river. The bluebells are in full bloom now, their heads nodding in the slight breeze.
Afterwards, they share tea and cake from the Kingfisher. Kate finds it hard to look at Hamish without laughing after what Sandra told them last time and when it’s Jazz’s turn this time to be given his World’s Best Lover mug.
‘It’s beautiful down here,’ says Olivia. ‘I can’t believe I haven’t been here before.’
The river feels new to Kate too and yet it has already worked its way into her heart.
She heads back home to a morning of nappies and nursing and singing to Rosie. But in the afternoon she makes her way back to the river again, Jay taking over with Rosie. As she waits for her sister beneath the willow trees, she thinks what a shame it is that their mum couldn’t join them. It’s beautiful here and it would be good for the three of them to spend some baby-free time together. But Kate can’t begrudge her for having plans. She’s put her life on hold these past few months, making herself available to help. It’s natural that would come to an end and Kate feels able to face the prospect of having less help now. But she still misses her mum.
‘Kate!’ calls Erin, emerging through the gate and stepping her way down to the river through the long grass. She’s dressed in a blue-and-white gingham dress with a matching bow tied in her ponytail and, not for the first time, Kate thinks how glamorous her older sister always manages to look. Kate is at least wearing trousers with an actual zip today.
They greet each other warmly and Kate realises it’s the first time she’s seen her sister one-on-one like this since Rosie was born. It wasn’t exactly a common occurrence before then either, what with Erin’s own two children and busy working life to juggle. These moments are likely to be rarer now that Kate is a mother too. But that makes them even more special.
‘How was your trip to London yesterday? I saw Emma’s photos on Instagram. It looked as if she had a great time.’
Kate had seen them too – tasteful crops of dresses so that you couldn’t see the full design but just flashes of fabric, and one of all of them together in the bridal shop, taken by the sales assistant. As she ‘liked’ them and added a string of heart emojis in the comments, she thought how sad she would have been if she’d seen those photos but without her in them.
‘Well …’
Kate tells her sister about vomit-gate and has to pause to allow Erin space to snort with laughter.
‘I’m sorry. That must have been highly stressful. But that’s also hilarious.’
‘I thought I was going to die from embarrassment.’
‘But you didn’t.’
‘No, I didn’t. I’m pretty exhausted today, though. It was probably a bit mad, heading to London by myself with a newborn like that. But I so wanted to be there. And I think maybe I was trying to prove something to myself too. That I can still be fun now that I have a baby.’
Erin laughs again. ‘God, I know that feeling. Do you know, when Ted was a baby, I convinced my friends to take me clubbing? I hadn’t been clubbing in years before having him. But I got it into my head that it was what I desperately wanted to do.’
‘You didn’t tell me that,’ laughs Kate. ‘So how did it go?’
‘Not well. I ended up having to pump in the grotty toilets when I thought my boobs were going to explode, and then going home at about ten.’
‘Wow, a wild night then.’
Kate likes messy Erin. It makes her feel better about having no real clue what she’s doing in her own life.
‘Cut yourself some slack, sis,’ Erin says. ‘It’s great that you made it yesterday. But your friends aren’t going to forget about you just because you aren’t able to go to every social event for a while. The good ones won’t, anyway.’
Kate thinks back to her conversation with her friends yesterday.
‘I think you’re right.’
‘I’m your big sister, I’m always right.’
‘Mmm. What about the time you got that fringe?’
‘Let’s not talk about the fringe! So, are we going to swim, or what?’
They enter the water side by side. Erin gets a bit nervous for a minute about the thought of fish and mud, but then Kate reminds her she has given birth, twice.
‘Oh yeah, you’re right,’ Erin replies before launching herself into the river.
As they swim, following the curve of the river bend beneath the canopy of trees, Erin catches Kate up on work and the boys and an upcoming holiday to Center Parcs.
‘I never thought I’d be someone who would dream about a package holiday in huts in the woods, but then I went and everything was so easy. Bliss.’
Kate tells Erin more about the swimming club and her new friends. ‘Oh, and I thought you should know that I swam this morning with women I met through the Tired Mums Club. Thanks for encouraging me to go.’
‘That’s great!’
They make their way back to the riverbank and get changed on the grass.
‘Thanks for coming,’ Kate says as she tries to wriggle back into her trousers. ‘I’ve missed hanging out like this and …’ She takes a deep breath. ‘Honestly, I’ve been finding things really hard since Rosie was born.’
Erin immediately stops reaching for her clothes and faces Kate, giving her all her attention.
‘Oh, sis. Things will get easier soon. You’ve just got to get through the awful newborn bit.’
‘What do you mean?’ asks Kate, frowning. A breeze whips up, giving her goosebumps, and she wraps her damp towel tightly around her shoulders. ‘You loved having newborns!’
When Kate thinks about her sister after both her sons were born, she pictures her looking totally blissed out, gazing down at them with such wonder. It’s something that’s come back to her many times when she has held Rosie and felt many things – fear, anxiety, guilt – but not that lovestruck awe that Erin wore on her face when her sons were small. But Erin looks at Kate as though she’s absolutely mad.
‘Um, Kate, no one loves having a newborn. They’re objectively awful. I mean, I adore my new niece and little babies are very cute, but they cry and feed all the time and can’t talk to you to tell you what’s wrong. My boys might be absolute animals, sometimes, but at least they can tell me with words when they’re hungry.’
‘But you seemed so chilled and happy when your boys were tiny!’ exclaims Kate.
‘Did I?’ asks Erin, frowning. ‘I think I was mostly medicated. And overwhelmed.’
They both pause for a moment, huddled beneath their towels on the side of the river. The sunshine of earlier has gone, clouds rolling across the sky and making the green of the trees look even greener, as if the world has been turned up to high contrast.
‘I’ve been finding it pretty overwhelming too,’ Kate finally admits to the older sister who she’s always looked up to. ‘And hard. Really hard.’
‘That’s because it is hard! Don’t get me wrong, I adore my boys. I would literally chew off my own arm for them if I had to. Literally without a second’s hesitation.’ She mimes gnawing on her forearm, making Kate descend into giggles. Then Erin stops, more serious now. ‘And now that they’re a bit older … They’re so funny. But, my God, becoming a mother has been the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I’ve run three marathons, started my own business and had a roommate at uni who used to knit in our communal living room using human hair that she’d found on the ground.’
‘Oh God, I’d forgotten about her! I wonder what she’s doing now?’
‘The point is, becoming a mum is hard. Like, ridiculously hard. But there’s all this pressure to be blissfully happy all the time. This idea that talking about the tough bits means you’re a bad mum or don’t love your kids is absolute bullshit.’
Erin’s face is flushed, her usual composure replaced with a wild sort of energy. Kate gets the impression that these words have been stewing inside her sister for some time. She isn’t sure quite what has released them. Maybe the calm setting of the riverbank has loosened something in her. Or maybe, until now, Kate hasn’t opened up enough for Erin to feel she can do the same?
‘Um, how have I had no idea up until right now that you felt this way? Why didn’t you say anything back when Ted was born?’
Erin tilts her head for a second, looking thoughtful. Around them, the trees and reeds rustle and sway as the breeze grows stronger, the sky darkening even further.
‘I suppose, after everything I went through with the IVF, I’ve always found it hard to complain. I wanted my babies so badly and went to such great lengths to have them that even now I find it hard to talk about the bits that aren’t how I imagined. In case it makes me sound ungrateful.’
‘Oh, Erin. No one would ever think that.’
‘And no one would ever think badly of you for finding things hard too.’
Kate has spent so long feeling like she’s so different from her sister because of this vision she had in her head of Erin as a mother. Nothing she has said has changed the fact that she still thinks Erin is a brilliant mum, but the vision is altered now, smudges and scratches making the picture less perfect. But maybe those things are what make her so great, actually.
‘I think one of the hardest things is that I know this early bit is so fleeting,’ Kate admits. ‘I know there will come a day when Rosie is a grumpy teenager and I will probably ache to be able to hold her as a baby again. It makes me hate myself for not cherishing every moment, but I just can’t.’
‘Of course you can’t.’ Erin readjusts her towel, tucking it in at the front. ‘Look, the truth is, not every moment is worth cherishing and I think people often forget that in their nostalgia. When they cry for hours on end? Or throw up on you? Or worse … But I do like to think about cherishing one moment from each day.’
‘Hmm, I like that,’ Kate replies, considering the idea.
To be expected to savour every second of every day feels like being at a party that never ends, when you’re exhausted and want to just sit down but the music keeps playing and the lights keep flashing and you’re expected to keep dancing. But one moment? That feels doable.
‘Yeah, so, at the end of each day, I try to think about one moment that’s made me really smile that day,’ continues Erin. ‘One thing I want to remember and hold onto. Even if it’s been a shit day, I always find something. And it helps me keep perspective on those tough days, to hold onto the good bits, even if they’re only small.’
‘What was it yesterday?’
A huge smile spreads across Erin’s face.
‘In the morning while I was getting their breakfast ready, Ted and Arlo “made” me a cup of tea. They’d put a teabag in my favourite mug and filled it up with cold water. They were so proud of themselves and so excited to have done something nice for me that I drank it. I didn’t even care that it was disgusting. The day before, it was reading We’re Going on a Bear Hunt with them before bed. And the day before that … That was when Arlo said “shit” for the first time and Mark and I couldn’t stop laughing, even though we knew we should be telling him off. It was just too funny hearing it come out of his cute little mouth.’
Listening to Erin, it strikes Kate that none of the moments her sister describes are the moments she puts on Instagram or in their family WhatsApp group. Those are made up of posed photos where everyone is smiling and neatly dressed.
‘It never stops being exhausting, sis, or overwhelming or difficult. I’m not going to sugar-coat things. But I wish I could express to you all the good stuff that you have ahead of you. You’re in the trenches right now, but there is so much joy and laughter and absolutely fucking incredible stuff coming your way.’
‘I hope so.’
‘I know so.’
Kate pulls her T-shirt on over her still-damp skin and Erin does the same with her dress. Except now there’s no swishing ponytail and matching bow, instead her hair hangs in wet knots on her shoulders just like Kate’s does. They’re both bare-faced, make-up washed away by the river. Kate thinks her sister looks beautiful.
‘Hey,’ says Erin, ‘you know something I did really love when the boys were tiny? Baby swimming lessons. I started taking them both when they were around Rosie’s age. Have you thought about signing Rosie up?’
Kate suddenly pictures the tiny pink swimsuit that her lido friends bought for Rosie when she was born but is still hanging unused in her room.
‘I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of that.’ Her mind races with the thought of being in the water with her daughter. It’s something she thought about a lot when she was pregnant, but somehow, with everything that has happened since, it has slipped from her mind.
‘I think you’d love it,’ continues Erin. ‘I found that time together really special.’
‘That’s a brilliant idea, thank you.’
‘You’ll get there, sis,’ Erin says, and then she steps forward and takes Kate in her arms, squeezing her tightly. Their wet hair drips onto each other’s shoulders. ‘Do you know what my happy moment for today is?’ Erin whispers into her ear.
‘What?’ Kate replies, not ready to let her sister go just yet.
‘This one.’