Chapter 51
‘Kate. It’s good to see you.’ Brian looks exhausted as he opens the front door, but he manages a smile for Kate that makes her reach out and pull him into a tight hug. All the way here, she’s been thinking about what it would mean if her mum and stepfather really are separating. Brian has been in her life for nearly twenty years, a quiet man who has never taken up much space and always steps back to allow the three of them to be the Mathews Girls, even after all these years. But the idea of life without him still feels strange and wrong, like trying to picture a house without doors and windows.
He lets himself be hugged back and Kate takes an inhale of his bookish smell and lets her fingers feel the familiar scratch of one of the wool jumpers that he always wears, despite it being the start of summer. He might be quiet, but he has always been there, a reliable, solid presence in her life.
‘Your mum and sister are through here,’ he says, leading her through to the living room, where she sees her mum and sister seated side by side on the sofa. Her mum’s hair is pulled back in a clip and her face is free of make-up for once.
Erin looks just as confused and anxious as Kate feels and as she looks up, they share a questioning look with one another. Kate feels a rush of love and gratitude for her sister, knowing that whatever is about to happen, she won’t be facing it alone.
Kate joins them on the sofa, her mum in the middle, while Brian busies himself pouring everyone cups of tea.
‘Hello, darling,’ Miriam says softly. ‘It’s good to see you.’
‘You too, Mum. But is everything OK?’
‘Yes, Mum, what’s going on?’ asks Erin.
Kate glances at Brian, trying to get a sense of what’s happening from his face, but his expression is unreadable as he focuses on pouring from the teapot and carefully stirring in the milk. She looks quickly around the room too, trying to find any signs that her suspicions about their relationship might be right. But his books are still on the shelves alongside her mother’s and there is no suitcase in the hallway like she remembers from when her father left when she was very small.
As Brian hands round the mugs of tea, Kate notices that his hands are shaking.
‘Go on, love,’ he says, looking up at Miriam. His voice cracks slightly and in the splinter it hits Kate that maybe she has been very wrong about all of this. ‘You need to tell them.’
Their mother takes a faltering breath.
‘Brian’s right. I need to tell you something.’ Her voice trembles and she glances at Brian, who has sat down in the armchair facing them all.
He gives a little nod. She returns the nod and then turns back to Kate and Erin.
‘A couple of weeks ago, I found a lump.’
Without saying anything, both Kate and Erin reach out for their mother’s hands.
The words repeat themselves in Kate’s mind, over and over. A lump. A lump. It doesn’t feel quite real. She doesn’t want it to be real. But the sofa is firm beneath her, the sound of the clock on the wall making it impossible to imagine this is all some hallucination and she is not sitting here with her family, hearing something she hoped she would never have to hear.
Erin is the first to speak.
‘A couple of weeks ago? Mum, why didn’t you say anything?’
Kate squeezes her mum’s hand tightly, thinking she might possibly never let go.
‘I didn’t want to worry you. You both have so much going on, especially with Rosie being so little …’
The events of the past few weeks come back to Kate in a flash. The way her mum fell quiet on their WhatsApp chat and stopped coming by to visit so much … At the time, Kate thought it was because her mum was putting in boundaries because Kate had been demanding too much of her time. How could she have been so focused on her own problems that it didn’t even enter her mind that her mum might be dealing with something so huge?
‘Oh Mum. I hate the thought that you’ve been dealing with this on your own.’
Her mum glances across the coffee table then. ‘Well, I haven’t been on my own. Brian has been so supportive. He told me I should tell you both, but I didn’t want to burden you. I’m sorry if it’s made me seem distant. I just worried that if I saw you or we chatted too much, then it all might come spilling out and I didn’t want to put you both through that.’
Across the table, Kate meets her stepdad’s eye and sees the stress and worry that’s written all over his face. His eyes glisten behind his round glasses. He’s holding a cup of tea in his hand but not drinking from it.
‘You could never be a burden,’ Kate says. ‘You’re our mum.’
‘Yes,’ adds Erin, ‘just because we’ve got stuff going on in our own lives doesn’t mean we don’t have space for you.’
‘Thank you, darlings,’ their mum says in a trembling voice.
‘So, what comes next?’ asks ever-practical Erin. Kate can hear right through her steady, optimistic voice, though. She might be nine years older than Kate, but Kate can hear the frightened little girl hiding behind her sister’s calm tone.
‘Well, I went in for a biopsy last week.’
Kate tries not to wince, hating the thought of her mother going through that on her own. But, of course, as her mum said, she wouldn’t have been on her own. Kate flashes her stepdad a glance and tries to transmit all her love and gratitude to him for being unwaveringly there for her mum. Even if he’s usually the quietest person in the room, he’s the kind of person who will nonetheless be there by your side, no matter how frightening the situation.
‘The doctors have asked me to come back in next week so they can tell me the results.’
‘We’ll be there,’ Erin says instantly. ‘Won’t we, Kate?’
‘Of course. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell us, but I’m so glad you have now. You have always, always been there for us, Mum …’ Kate thinks about the fish pie her mum left in the fridge for her when she was in labour. All the times she’s taken Rosie so that Kate can squeeze in a nap. And everything that came before that. The silly articles her mum would read that Kate used to write for an imaginary paper when she was a child. How she supported her through those tough years in London when she struggled to find her place in the world. The love and kindness she gave her after Rosemary died … Tears fill her eyes as she thinks of all the ways her mum has shown up for her and all the ways she vows to show up for her mum from now on. ‘Let us be there for you too.’
Her mum lets out a deep breath, nodding silently. Kate and Erin wrap their arms around her and their mother’s shoulders relax as she finally lets herself lean on them.
Kate looks up, spotting her stepfather watching them from his armchair on the other side of the room, tears dripping down his face. She shuffles up along the sofa, patting the cushions beside her. Because they might always be the Mathews Girls, but he is part of their family too. And, right now, as they contemplate what might lie ahead of them, it at least brings her some comfort to know that they will be facing it together. Her mum isn’t alone and neither is she.
‘There’s room for you too. Come on, Dad.’