43. Chapter 43
Chapter forty-three
Markus
M arkus smiled as he watched the even movements of Correlia’s chest rising and falling in her sleep like the flutterings of a bird. He loved seeing her in such a tranquil state. He moved a strand of light hair from her face and let his hand fall down the curve of her neck. When she made a small noise and moved slightly, still fast asleep, his heart swelled.
How had he gotten so lucky?
His gaze lingered on every feature of her face. On the freckles dotting her nose and the way she held her lips. The daintiness of her chin and the curves of her cheeks. And when she’d finally awaken, he’d be able to see the light in her eyes. And whatever else was in that gaze of hers when she looked up at him so unabashedly. With such honest adoration. Like he deserved to be loved so much.
But the swelling in his chest soon vanished, and Thanatos’s words resounded in his mind, swapping that joy he’d finally let himself grab onto with a sharp, stabbing pain.
You’re pathetic.
You ' re weak.
No wonder your parents didn ' t love you.
Do you truly think she cares for you?
No one could ever care for you. You know that.
The words cut through him, splicing his mind and bleeding into his chest.
No matter how happy he wanted to be, he just couldn’t.
Thanatos still had a hold on him, squeezing his heart from his place in the shadows. Not allowing him to be happy, even after he was gone.
Maybe Markus didn’t deserve such a luxury as being happy and carefree. No matter how much he wanted it.
He didn’t deserve it.
He wanted to deserve it.
He wanted to embrace it.
Correlia thinks I’m worthy of love , he begged his mind to accept, but Thanatos responded in its stead.
You ’ re pathetic. You worthless child.
He curled his hand into a tight fist on his lap, his nails digging into his skin. The pain of everything else was too overwhelming. The darkness was rushing in like a violent wave. It was as if he was trying to escape that room of nightmares with no way out.
But then his way out spoke.
“Markus? What’s wrong?”
He looked at her. His new wife, sleepy-eyed with a voice full of worry.
How can you make her happy? the voice in his mind chided. She’s going to regret tying herself to you.
“Markus?” She leaned forward, and those beautiful eyes stared up at him.
The muscles in his chest clenched, and tears flooded his eyes. “Why can’t it all just go away?” he whispered.
Her eyebrows pulled together. “Why can’t what go away?”
His breaths shuddered, and the pain in his chest intensified. Those muscles cranked tighter and tighter like a key turning in the back of a clock. His whole body trembled. “I can’t . . . I can’t.” How could he tell her that he couldn’t be happy? That he was so defective that his mind wouldn’t allow the emotion to linger longer than an hour or two, if that? How could he explain that as soon as he let himself feel joy, pain or guilt or whatever it was flooded through him, and he heard Thanatos’s voice in his head?
“I don’t know how to explain it,” he finally said, and her frown deepened. The guilt in his gut worsened. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What do you mean? You could never hurt me.”
His gaze fell to the risen skin on his palms—the half-moons of pink from the pressure of his nails. “There’s something wrong with me.” He didn’t look up. He couldn’t. “I want to be happy, but . . . I can’t.” The tears burned in his eyes, and he had to swallow hard to keep going. “There’s so much pain in me.” He stared at his hands until he caught his breath enough to speak again. To stop the quaking of his limbs. The cranking in his chest.
“Correlia, when I’m with you, I’m so happy.” He swallowed, trying to figure out how to put this strange horror into words. “But I have so much pain. It’s smaller now because of you, and less frequent when I’m with you. But it’s still there. I don’t know . . . I guess I thought it wouldn’t be there anymore.” It was strenuous getting the words out, but he owed her the truth. A part of him hoped she’d be able to help him decipher what it all meant. Her eyes searched his. He tried to read her expression, but when she still didn’t reply after more and more seconds ticked by, he panicked. “But it has nothing to do with you!” he said quickly. “I love you. So much.”
Please don’t leave me , he wanted to add.
But instead of getting upset or hurt, like he thought she would, she reached out and hugged him, squeezing him tight, holding him until he remembered again—that he was worthy of love. That someone did love him and that she was the one worth sacrificing everything for. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and buried his face in her neck. He was so glad he’d risked everything to see her that day and that every day since he had let her walk deeper and deeper into his heart until she’d filled it completely, sealing all the gaps and rounding all the crooked edges. She even lit up the darkness when the pain crept in.
And she did it effortlessly. In an embrace. In a kiss. In the glimmer of her eyes and the dimples in her cheeks.
“Maybe it won’t be easy at first,” she whispered, still clinging to him. “But every day, it will get a little easier. And some days, you won’t hurt at all.” She leaned back and looked at him. Those beautiful eyes stared up at him with all the sunshine they always possessed. “And some days you may really want to punch Nikias in the face.” A laugh burst from his mouth, and she giggled, trying to continue. “But! But . It will be okay.” She stroked her fingers down the side of his face. “I promise. I’ll always be here for you. Through all of it. The good and the bad.”
The emotion swelled in his chest again, and he tried not to wonder what she saw in him and just let himself be loved. He didn’t want to cry, but at this point, she probably wasn’t surprised when the tears streamed down his face. He couldn’t speak, so he nodded and wrapped his arms around her, holding onto her like she was a raft keeping him safe at sea. Little did she know that keepinghersafe kepthimtogether, too.
Maybe there was something to the whole soulmate idea. Because he wasn’t sure how much of him had ever existed without her. He needed her. And he’d admit that fact if she ever asked—that he needed to feel her love in the moments he wanted to die or disappear. In the moments he felt like falling apart. He could finally admit that needing help wasn’t a weakness. He needed her in the darkness just as much as in the light—in their beautifully carefree moments of laughter and passion. He needed her. Like a tonic to cure the most vicious pain.
And he wanted her. Always. In every way.
She was the sun to every broken star in his sky. The warm day to his bitter night. He hoped that, some days, she’d let him be her sun, too. Because loving her came with that desire. To take care of her like she took care of him.
He would never let anything happen to her. She was everything. He loved her beyond comprehension. So, for her, he would try.
Tears were still falling down his face, but he managed to speak. “I’ll work on it. I’ll fight these demons. I’ll find a way.” He held her face in his hands; it looked so small and delicate in his large palms.
“I know you will, and I’ll help you,” she said softly. “You don’t have to do it alone.”
The love and relief that washed through him was striking. He whimpered and broke into another quiet sob, letting his forehead rest against hers. In complete opposition to every time Thanatos had told him that it wasn’t masculine to cry or be cared for, he let himself cry and be cared for. She rubbed his back, and he sobbed. He sobbed until they were lying on the bed and he was all out of tears.
When he could finally speak, he pulled her into him and kissed her. “I’d do anything for you.” He brushed the rosy hair from her face and watched it fall onto the pillow like a strawberry waterfall. He kissed the tip of her nose, and he loved how she scrunched it and smiled when his lips left her skin. An invisible arrow dove right into his heart.
“I know,” she said. “I feel the same way.”
Her long lashes fluttered as she looked up at him, and his gaze fell to her lips. He touched them, and they parted slightly. All the love pulsing through his body amplified and melted into desire. It was hard to ignore that the only thing she was wearing was a blanket.
The heat in his blood rose, and his eyes fell down her body, his fingers following their lead. When she let out a small noise, he looked up and saw the yearning in her eyes, and he couldn’t hold back anymore.
He dove deeply into the fullness of her lips and fell on top of her, draping the blanket over them. Her legs wrapped around his waist. Her skin was warm against his. His blood turned to fire, and his hands found every part of her.
He wanted to swallow her whole as he sucked on her bottom lip and tasted her tongue against his teeth. His mind lost all function as she scratched up his back and grabbed onto the hair at the base of his skull. She held onto him so desperately it drove him crazy. He sucked on her collarbone, biting it gently as she let out another feminine sound. His teeth trailed against her skin. Excitement surged through him at the way she surrendered to his every whim. His every touch, kiss, and bite. He needed to make her his. To make her a part of him both in soul and body.
He let himself go, and she gave herself to him, begging him to take control of her. He loved that she fell apart when he touched her and that she wanted him to take over. He loved that he could touch her and move with her and give her every beautiful spark and delicious sensation—that the primal instincts within him found hers and gave her everything she desired. That he could show her what it felt like to be in existential bliss.
After everything had peaked and thundered, and the blinding passion had calmed into a pool of serenity, he looked down at her. Nothing was sexier than how she looked in this moment. The muscles on her face relaxed, the color hot on her cheeks. The smile on her lips completely unguarded.
He couldn’t help but kiss her one more time, and she accepted it breathlessly before he fell beside her and wrapped her back up in him.
Closing his eyes, he let out a long breath. Every anxious thought was gone, purged from their passion and the unbridled love between them. He hummed, absentmindedly stroking her hair, slightly damp with sweat, and his skin went warm at the touch of her fingers on his chest.
“I love you,” she whispered before kissing the spot her hand had just touched.
“I love you too. I’m not sure why you do, though.” He tried to give her a playful look, but something about it seemed to bother her.
“Do you really not know why I love you?”
Oh, no. Did I screw this up?
“It’s okay! I’m sorry,” he said quickly.
She sat up and looked at him. “Don’t apologize. I just want to know.”
“Oh.” He wasn’t sure what else to say.
A slight smile returned to her lips. “I love you for so many reasons.” She trailed a finger across his chest. “A lot of it is hard to explain. It’s almost intangible and indescribable. You just . . . You make me feel so . . .” She let out a long, content sigh, and looked into his eyes. “You make me feel like I’m not alone. You see the good in me. You’re a part of me I recognized the moment I fell for you.” She laughed. “I’m not sure which part happened first. I guess, at some point, I just knew you and I were made from the same soul, and everything else made sense.”
“I feel the same way,” he said, stroking her hand. “I feel you so deep within me I sometimes don’t know which parts are me and which parts are you.”
She leaned forward and fell on top of him. He was so much bigger than her; her entire body could rest comfortably on his. She placed her chin on her hands and looked up at him.
She was so beautiful. This radiant, magnificent goddess.
How could she believe she was anything less than perfect?
“I don’t know how I could possibly find any fault in you,” he said, his arms wrapping around her. He kissed her again.
“Believe me. I have plenty of faults."
“I don’t believe that.”
She laughed. “That’s precisely why one of the reasons I love you is that you see the best in me.”
“Well, if there are any faults in you, you do a good job at hiding them.”
“You’re silly.”
“What?” he laughed.
She leaned up and rested her cheek against her fist. “You are so wonderful.”
He blinked, staring at her in shock. “What are you talking about?”
Her nose scrunched when she smiled, and he nearly died.“Something you probably don’t know about me, my love,” she said, “is that I simply do a very good job at hiding the darkness.”
He frowned. “What darkness?”
Her smile faded. “I’m not as happy as I seem sometimes. I have that darkness in me, too. The kind that makes it hard to think or sleep. The kind that brings back memories you wish you could forget. I’m just very good at hiding it when it comes barging in.”
He watched her carefully as she spoke. It killed him that she ever had to suffer, and he had no idea it was something she struggled with often, too. “I would take it all from you if I could,” he said.
“I know you would, but you have enough on your shoulders. I can handle this much.”
Her gaze fell away, and her smile turned forced. She was already doing it again. Putting on that mask. He tilted her face toward his. “Correlia, I’m your husband now. It’s my job to help you carry this. Just like you want to help me with mine.” He smiled. “I guess, you’re the silly one.”
She laughed. “Why am I the silly one?”
“Because you want to help me but don’t want me to help you. That’s silly.”
She rested her face on her hands, still lying contently on top of him. “I guess you’re right,” she said. “I guess that is a little silly.”
He ran his hand down her back and then squeezed her tight. “Don’t worry. I still think you’re perfect.”
She giggled and looked back up at him. “Well, then. I guess I should keep telling you why I think you’re perfect.”
He raised a skeptical brow. “How the hell am I perfect?”
“You’re strong,” she said, and the conviction in her voice was startling. “You’re brave. So ridiculously brave. You make me want to be more courageous—to stand up for things more. And whether you realize it or not, you’ve taught me so much about the world. About how humanity and the gods really work.”
“What do you mean?”
She moved off of him, sitting beside him to look at him more directly.
“Before I met you, I thought things were pretty simple. I thought the gods I knew were good and the ones down here were bad. And Zeus . . . People love him.” She sighed and leaned against the headboard. “People respect him. He’s charismatic and friendly, and he seems to be everybody’s friend, but he was one of the worst monsters all along.” She looked back into Markus’s eyes. “Everyone had always told me that you were the monster, but you’re the kindest, most sincere god I’ve ever met. I’ve never felt so un-alone in my life now that I have you.”
With her face so close to his, he could see how much she meant every word, and though her lips were turned up into a gentle smile, tears were forming in her beautiful, emerald-honey eyes.
“You’re not alone,” he whispered, pulling her closer. "Not at all.” He kissed her softly, then quietly added, “And I’ll make sure you never feel alone again."
“Thank you,” she said, and he kissed her. They kissed until they were all tangled up in each other between the sheets. And soon, he found himself peacefully resting against the top of her head, mindlessly playing with her hair again.
Her face turned up to look at him. “There is so much to love about you, Markus,” she said, and in those earnest eyes, he saw absolute sincerity, and he decided to believe it.
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll believe you."
Her face lit up. “Good. Because I’m right.”
He chuckled, physically unable to take his eyes off hers. “But only if I’m allowed to hold onto my belief—my knowledge —that you are the perfect one in this relationship.”
She narrowed her eyes, but she still smiled. “That I cannot agree to.”
“You can’t deny the truth, Correlia.”
She let out a playful growl and hit him with a pillow.
“Hey! What was that for?” he said with a laugh.
“For being silly again!” Her face was so unbelievably adorable he couldn’t stop himself from grabbing her and tackling her.
She fell in a fit of laughter.
He wrestled with her, laughing and feeling so very un-alone as he tried to pin her against the mattress, but she launched herself on top of him instead. His stomach cramped with laughter, and he wasn't sure if he’d ever laughed this much in his entire life, even if he added up every time he had ever done so.
He basked in it—in the sheer joy in the air and the melody of her voice as she giggled and squealed his name. He finally realized that being happy was possible. And that this was just the beginning.