Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
LONELY BITCH BY BEA MILLER
I open the door to my apartment and run my hands through my wet hair, my heart rate has skyrocketed since I left Bellamy.
I feel like my chest might explode, but I also don’t know if that’s a bad thing.
It feels like there’s no way this could be a good thing.
Maybe I should go to the hospital because truly I think I might be having a heart attack.
There’s a knock on my door, and I open it without looking to see who it is.
My best friend stands on the other side of the door, and I pull her inside and slam it closed, my pacing continuing.
“What is going on with you?” Sienna seems genuinely concerned for me.
I know I must look absolutely insane right now. But I can still smell him on me. The heavy smell of musk and vanilla. I smell the spice of his cologne all over me despite how subtle it is on him. I can’t stop the squeezing in my chest.
“I think I’m having a heart attack,” I feel warmth rushing all over my body despite the heavy wet clothes I wear.
I sigh and strip down from the dress into just a bra and underwear, and then I throw myself on the couch, reaching down to untie my shoes.
I wouldn’t normally completely undress myself in my living room with company in my presence but I physically cannot wear those clothes anymore. I can’t have any remnants of him.
“Could you maybe explain why you think that? And also why you’re butt naked now?” She follows me through my apartment.
“Because my chest hurts, and it’s hot, and I’m sweating like a pig, and I feel like I might throw up too, or maybe not. I don’t know,” I kick my shoes off, peeling the socks off my feet. “And I’m soaking wet!”
I throw my socks on the ground and they splat on the hard floor. I lift off of the couch now, my pacing continuing.
“Calm down!” She walks forward to me. “Deep breath in, deep breath out.”
We breathe together, and I stare at her, the feeling not subsiding from my chest.
“Not helping.”
“Maybe explain what the hell happened and we can figure out what to do, alright?” She waves her hands in front of me, between the two of us.
She takes a seat on the couch in front of me, and my pacing starts once again in front of my coffee table.
“Okay, so we... Bellamy and I. We went on another date, and then he fake proposed to me, but he had a real ring. Not like a wedding ring but like a ring that fits me, and is for me. Well, that’s the thing I don’t actually know if it’s for me, or if it’s not for me.
He didn’t ask for it back though so I’m pretty sure it’s for me.
It’s pretty though, look,” I lean completely over the short coffee table, and shove my hand in her face as she sits on my couch.
“Pretty,” She smiles, and I take my hand back, my feet moving before I can think of anything else.
I step over my wet clothes as I walk the same path back and forth, back and forth.
“After I got it, I was confused, right? Kind of overwhelmed and then I started to feel… I don’t know…
I just got all nervous, and weird, and then I really wanted to kiss him, because it was the only thing I could think about, and then he kissed me in the pouring rain, and that’s on the list, but honestly, it didn’t feel like he was kissing me because it was on the list. It felt like he was kissing me because I wanted him to, and he wanted to, and there was all this pressure in my chest, and I’m hot, right?
Like, temperature wise, I’m so hot, and then he stops kissing me, and I hate that he stops kissing me, and then I get nervous again…
and then I get quiet because I’m confused at why my chest feels so heavy and warm, and why it’s burning and stuff, and then we get out of the car, and he kisses me again, and all the pressure is gone, and then I ran inside, and now I’m here, and I’m naked and confused…
And the pressure is back too,” I take a deep breath, finally getting air in.
“So you like Bellamy?” She asks.
“Of course I do. He’s really cool and super sweet. That’s not what I’m talking about. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. Or, like I said before, like I’m having a heart attack. Like I need medical attention right now. This isn’t normal, it can’t be normal,” I start to fan myself.
“No... You like him like him. Like you want to date him and tell him you love him. You like Bellamy like a real girlfriend likes her real boyfriend,” She sits up, leaning into me.
Then she gets the face that she gets when she’s getting ideas.
“No. He’s not my real boyfriend so that’s not possible.”
“Maybe he should be…”
I laugh, and then I wonder if she has lost her mind like I have.
“No…” I chuckle, shaking my head. “I told you to come over so you could talk sense into me, not so you could say things that aren’t relevant or true.”
“Just because you don’t want something to be true doesn’t mean it’s not true,” She shrugs her shoulders and then leans into the couch
“Sienna!” I throw my hands down, and she throws hers up in response.
“Okay fine! For argument's sake, let’s say that’s not true. You’re just dick whipped then... And you really want him so you’re frustrated or something. That’s the only explanation I can think of.”
I know that’s not true so now my thoughts go back to the first reason she said. Do I like Bellamy really? I want him all the time, and I like spending time with him... He’s hot. Extremely hot... And he’s sweet, and he listens and...
And he’s doing it all for the list.
So it makes sense. He’s doing this to be the perfect boyfriend for the list, and only for that reason.
So that must be why I feel the way I do.
Because he’s pretending to be exactly what I’ve wanted.
But I’m tricking myself into liking him.
All this fake bullshit is clouding my judgment.
My heart is beating faster than it ever has.
“No, you’re right. I do like Bellamy... But the minute I go back home to my parents it’s going to be fine because none of this is real… Right? Those feelings will go away, they have to go away.”
She presses her lips together and slowly nods at me.
“Um… Sure...” She isn’t sure.
I know that, and I know she’s agreeing with me for my sake, not truth’s sake... But I take it, and I throw myself down, my chest at rest now. I sigh, and Sienna looks at me as I sit next to her on my couch.
“Maybe you should put some clothes on…”
“That would probably be smart,” I get up again and walk toward my bedroom. “Don’t leave.”
I go into my room. I reach for the drawers in front of my bed and pull out a t-shirt.
I remove the wet bra from my body and pull the t-shirt over me.
My phone starts vibrating behind me, and I look at it, and feel my heart drop.
The pressure returns and my stomach feels like it’s eating itself alive because of how uneasy it is.
“SIENNA!” I scream, and she runs into my room. “Bellamy is calling me, what should I do?” I ask her.
“Answer?”
I scoff at her response.
“You say it like it’s easy! How do I act?” I ask.
“Normally? If that’s even possible for you.”
I roll my eyes at her sarcasm, and she approaches me.
“Maybe I shouldn’t answer.”
She reaches forward, sliding the phone open before I can react.
I gasp and then shut up right away. The phone sits between both of us, answered now.
She presses the speaker button, and I sit silently, wishing she would cease to exist. I reach to my side, and grab the stuffed golden retriever, hugging the plush to my chest.
“Hello?” Bell’s deep voice rings out on the other end.
I don’t say anything, and Sienna swats at me, pushing me to speak.
“Hi!” I manage to squeak out, genuinely sounding like a chew toy at this point.
“Are you alright?” He’s got a hint of laughter in his voice.
“Yep, fine and dandy,” I sound like I’m faking it.
He’s going to read me like a book.
“Everything just seemed different after we left the bar. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay…” He has charm, and care in his voice, and I bite my lip.
“Everything is fine. I feel fine… Are you fine?” I wonder what’s going on in his head.
I know I’ll never know, but I want to.
“More than fine. I had a really good time. I always do. I guess I’m just scared to do too much... To scare you off, and I don’t want to overstep any boundaries with you... I’m just being careful,” He continues to show the respectful side of him.
He never ceases to show me that which only adds to the burning in my chest.
“You don’t have to be...” I tell him. “You don’t have to be careful with me. Everything is fine,” I promise although everything is absolutely not fine.
I am super not fine. I have every chance to let him do as he pleases. He pushes boundaries with me, and I let him, and I could stop it, but the thought makes me shake. I don’t want to stop him one bit.
Sienna narrows her eyes at my lies. She just shakes her head, and puts her hands over her face, slowly dragging them down.
“As long as you say so… You’d tell me if something was wrong?”
Sienna nods her head at me, and I squeeze my eyes shut.
He cannot know about any of this. The strings being left out of this was my one rule, and I’m the dumbass that is seemingly breaking that stupid fucking rule.
I’m a puppeteer right now, desperately trying to attach every single string possible because I’m an idiot.
“Yep,” I want to tell the truth but I know that it won't go over well.
“Good… Are you still wet?”
I choke on the air in my lungs as if it wasn’t meant to be there.
“Pardon?” I ask.
“Your clothes… The rain… are you still-”
“Oh, right, the rain... Not the kiss. I get it,” I nod, understanding he wasn’t bringing up the feeling I had when he kissed me.
Sienna facepalms, and I shrug my shoulders, this conversation is already a shit show...
“No. I’m dry now. Fully dry.”
“Good. I don’t want you to get sick.”
There’s a small pause, and I hate the silence.
“Well, I’ve got some setting up to do... I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night Ryn.”
I nod even though he can’t see me, “You too Bell.”
He hangs up, and I groan, throwing myself face first onto my bed until I slide off, and fall to the floor, my back on the ground, my eyes trained on the ceiling. Fuck my life.
“You’re down bad for him.”
I can’t even see her but I know she’s right. She’s also probably grinning from ear to ear.
“It’s because you mentioned the hands. I have full faith that if I never looked at them I’d be fine,” I know full and well Bellamy’s hands are only a fraction of what I like about him.
“It has nothing to do with his hands, and everything to do with his dick-”
“Sienna!” I yell at her. “Stop talking about me, what about you? What about Lawson? How is he? How are you? Are you two dating? Let’s watch a movie, let's not talk about Bellamy’s dick,” I tell her.
“Rom com?”
I shake my head for once. I know how out of character it is for me. I know it’s always a yes when it comes to romance, but right now it’s the last thing I want, and probably need.
“No. Let’s watch horror. Comedy. Drama. Anything that doesn’t involve hot men, and feelings because I have enough to go around,” I watch as she jumps onto my bed over me as I lay on the floor.
She peeks over the edge of the bed, “Alright, are you coming then?”
She holds her hand out to me and I take it. I climb into bed with my best friend, and she uses my remote to scroll through Netflix, but my mind keeps going back to the cute football player with hot hands, sloppy hair, and so much charm, and I know I’m completely fucked.
“And by the way… I have no updates on Lawson because we aren’t together. We’re acquaintances,” She sighs.
“Why do you sound disappointed?” I ask and she shrugs.
“Because I honestly have no idea if I should be disappointed by that fact or if I should be jumping for joy over it. Lawson is bad news, football players suck,” She explains.
“But what about the quarterback hands thing?” I ask, referring back to her exact words.
“Lawson isn’t a quarterback. He’s a… It doesn’t matter. Lawson and I are… friends. I guess,” She doesn’t look at me.
I’m desperate to know more about what’s happened between the two of them. To know if she actually wants to be his friend or if maybe she has a small crush. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s the latter.
“You know just because I’m having boy troubles doesn’t mean I can’t listen to yours. What’s going on between you and Lawson?” I finally ask the question and Sienna shakes her head.
“I would tell you if I had an answer but I don’t. So I don’t want to talk about it. I know you want to know but there’s… There’s nothing to know,” She shrugs, and I know it’s not true, but I’ve been through this with Sienna before.
When it’s nothing to her it’s nothing, but the minute it’s truly worth talking about she’ll spill it all. I know whatever is going on must be complicated. Oddly enough, I find comfort in knowing my best friend has boy problems just like I do, even if she won’t admit to that out loud.