Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
BAD REPUTATION BY SHAWN MENDES
Sienna and I didn’t talk about Bellamy and it felt good just being with her, and not needing advice on my not relationship.
She helped me pack, we did a face mask, and she did my makeup for tonight.
I left my house when I decided on a party instead of talking to Bellamy.
I used to be the type to go to parties alone before finals two weeks ago.
I used to like being in a group of people that don't care about me. I just want to have a drink, and not feel anything for Bellamy. Just for now. That’s all I care about.
I’ve had an incredibly hard time doing that since I walked through the doors of the frat house.
I noticed how dirty, and disgusting it was, and thought of Bellamy being the exact opposite.
I had to get myself a drink which hasn’t happened in the past week and a half because Bellamy gets them for me.
I then saw other football players lining the walls of the party and thought of him.
Especially when I saw Lawson who was with some of his teammates.
I have no idea if he saw me, but I saw him.
I know Sienna isn’t coming tonight, she told me she didn’t want to go out.
I wonder if that’s why he’s here, to let go of stress from his not relationship just like I am.
Now I’m resting against the wall, by myself for the night, debating if I should leave, and wallow in self pity, or continue to do it here instead of talking to Bellamy.
My heart is useless because it’s telling me to text him back.
He has texted me today. Only twice. One was an apology, and the other asked if I would come over, not for a date despite him having something planned for tonight, he said he just wanted to talk.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
I don’t want to talk because I’m scared I’ll say something I don’t want to say out loud.
I want to be closer to Bellamy, but I shouldn’t be.
I want to know everything but the knowledge would be useless a week from now because feelings are not an option once I’m on that bus home.
Feelings are not an option when we are on that field together.
Knowing him the way I want to is not an option.
Talking to Bellamy is not an option right now.
Especially because he’s only perfect because of the list, outside of it, I have no idea what I’ll be faced with.
I feel wrong being here. I feel bad. That’s another problem.
I know Bellamy isn’t really mine. We aren’t dating, and I said that to his face, but I feel like he should know I’m here right now.
I feel like I need to reply even though I don’t want to.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more than I have in the past week.
I don’t like that either. I love my mom, I love Sienna.
I like school, sports, and other things.
I have feelings, but it’s never in a romantic way.
I’ve strayed away from that in every sense that I can.
My eyes scan the crowd, this party is way more rowdy than Leah’s ever are.
Frat houses are another breed when it comes to parties.
There’s every walk of life inside these houses.
All types of athletes considering the school we’re at.
I know most of them too. I catch the eyes of one of the basketball players, he’s one of the more used players.
I watched him a good bit on the court over the past few years.
If I remember correctly his first name is Caleb.
I look at him, thinking he’s going to walk past but he moves forward, stumbling in my direction.
I catch his shoulder, holding him off of me as I move back.
“Hi stranger, why are you so close to me?” I instantly get defensive and speak sarcastically.
Caleb settles against the wall, his hand gripping my hip, his body close to mine. He pulls me forward, but I put my hand on his chest, already smelling the alcohol on his breath.
“We’re not strangers,” He speaks out. “We don’t have to be, I mean.”
His intoxication is radiating from his body. He’s too drunk for his own good, and what seems like mine too.
“We are though,” I try to slightly move back, but he holds me in place.
I don’t panic right away. Caleb has been known to be overly touchy, especially at parties.
“Word around is that you’re doing favors now. Fucking Archer just to make his ex jealous... I was thinking-”
“I’m not... Where did you hear that?” My eyes burn instantly at the words that fall from his lips. I feel like my ears are ringing.
Maybe I just heard him wrong… But if I didn’t that’s everything I feared. I feared what people would say, I feared how they would react, or if they would make things up. I was right to do so.
“Everyone knows now... Hey, don't be upset. We can help each other...” He crushes me to the wall.
I can’t move. Panic finally sets in. I can’t think, or move, or speak.
Caleb bends down, and I try to breathe through the anxiety that’s settling in my chest, The pure panic as I look into his glazed over eyes.
He leans forward, and I press his chest back, but he moves forward anyway and kisses me hard.
I push my mouth against him, trying to give him one kiss to move him off of me, resisting as much as I can.
His teeth tug my lip between his. I taste copper and struggle against him, my body hurting from the tight feeling of his crushing mine.
I groan as I try to shove him from me, but he barely budges.
My muscles ache from how hard I’m pushing him away.
“Let me go...” I speak through my teeth, struggling to move from his venom grip.
“Kamryn?” I hear a voice near us, and I feel relief when Caleb is removed from me, and stumbling back.
Lawson stands there, his eyes looking between me and Caleb.
“Was he forcing himself on you?” Lawson’s jaw is tense as he clenches it, his eyes set on me.
My lip is bleeding, I know it is. I can taste it. I hesitate to answer, thankful that Lawson was here at all.
“No… We were just arranging something just like her and your good friend Bellamy,” Caleb steps forward, and Lawson puts his hand on Caleb's chest.
Lawson hasn’t looked away from me, and at this point, my hands are shaking.
I’ve been in uncomfortable situations in my life on many occasions.
I’ve been scared before. But I have never been scared that someone would force themself on me.
Not once until tonight. Lawson slowly turns his attention to Caleb, his eyes turn dark as he looks at the instigator.
“Excuse me?” Lawson's voice isn’t timid and it doesn’t falter.
“Look, Lawson. She’s dressed like she-”
“That is not a fucking invitation you low life piece of shit,” Lawson motions to me and what I wear.
“I need my fix just like everyone else has gotten. All I’m saying is-”
“What the fuck do you mean you need it? Need? Get the fuck away from her Caleb,” Lawson steps in front of me completely now, blocking my view fully.
“You don’t have to cockblock. She was into it,” His words are slurring together, and they’re hard for me to listen to.
I wasn’t into anything with him. The last thing I need is Lawson to think I was...
“I think you should just walk away now Caleb.”
Caleb tries to step around Lawson, but Lawson follows his motion, and steps in front of him again.
“Did you not hear me the first fucking time?” Lawson raises his voice, and steps away from me, and on Caleb.
Lawson’s hands are on him now, pressing Caleb’s chest back slowly.
“Why do you even care man? Are you fucking her too?” That was the last thing Caleb should have said in this situation.
“I should break your fucking jaw just so they wire it shut for the shit-”
I step forward, and place my hand on Lawson's arm, slightly pulling him back.
“Lawson stop… Lawson,” I speak above his threats that he’s still shouting at Caleb. “Lawson! It’s not worth it.”
I pull him back and he shoves Caleb. Lawson backs away and I let go of him, moving away as well. I knew Bellamy’s friends cared. I didn’t know they cared like that. I have no idea why Lawson stepped in, maybe for Bellamy, but the strength in his defense of me seemed more personal.
“What the fuck ever. Swear to god she puts out for everyone until I step in,” Caleb speaks under his breath but I heard every single word.
So did Lawson. Lawson’s eyes are on me once again but his hands to himself. He’s close though, and I’m not scared of him. I know Lawson would never hurt me. I know he’d protect me now more than ever.
“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice less stern, but barely audible against the abrasive music.
I press myself against the wall again, sure my body has left an imprint where Caleb cornered me. I shake my head softly, thankful Lawson stepped in when he did.
I’m not sure who specifically is making things up, and saying these things, but I’m sure it’s more than one person.
I’m sure Bellamy’s reputation might be a bit messy when it comes to me now.
Who knows, maybe I’ve already trashed it fully.
I’m sure he wasn’t thinking about that when he decided to do The List. I’m sure when he does find out, he’s going to be pissed.
“I would offer to give you a ride somewhere but I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing you...”
I shake my head, “You don’t have to leave because of me, it’s fine I’ll just… I’ll figure something out, or ride the bus or something...” I shake my head again, finally peeling myself from the wall.
Lawson moves with me, not stopping me, but keeping up with me, “Hey Kam... Look at me. It’s no problem, at all…
I was about to leave anyway. I will take you wherever you want to go.
Bellamy would never forgive me if he knew I just let you walk out all by yourself, and find your own way home. Let me help you.”