Chapter 29 #2
I keep my eyes on Bellamy without even meaning to. Every play, or snap I just drift to him when I have nothing else to look at. He’s captivating on the field. The boys look to him for answers and authority. They don’t have a team captain here, but he’s the unspoken one, it’s obvious.
I knew all of this about him before right now.
I knew all this from just seeing him last season, but it’s elevated now.
I’m far more into it as I watch him. The boys practice their plays, Bellamy snapping the ball, keeping his stance as he throws the football down the field.
He’s incredibly skilled. He’s swift. His skin is glistening now, the sweat coating his tattooed arms. The fake play ends in a touchdown thanks to the throw from Bellamy. Parker is dancing in the endzone.
I watch as Bellamy celebrates with the new running back, a few of his teammates hyping him up as he does so.
I see his smile as he pulls the helmet off of his head.
He pulls Lawson into him, both the boys smiling as they walk from the endzone.
Coach Corbin blows his whistle and the boys break, and I stand, moving my notes to the side.
Danica motions for me to follow, and I do.
The three of us pas out the named water bottles to the boys.
Once they’ve got what they need I walk away from them, back to my binder with all my notes.
“What are you working on?” A voice asks and I turn to see Bellamy and I smile, showing the binder.
“Oh um… Player tendencies. What sides do they tend to use more, or their dominant hands, it’s like… Like a profile for each player. It just helps me.”
He looks at everything, his eyes scanning what I’ve written when the coach blows his whistle again.
“Run 'em again!” Coach Corbin yells, and I look at Bellamy.
He looks back at me, wanting to say something but not letting himself. There’s something unspoken in the look he gives me, something that tells me we’re going to talk soon, something tells me that he couldn’t wait because he’s waited long enough. We both have.
I sit on the sidelines of the field. All the players have vacated as well as the coach, the scouts, and the onlookers in the stands.
I talked through things I need to work on and practice with my two mentors.
I really like them and I have a really good feeling about this summer.
All of my nerves about the sessions and football, in general, are gone now that I know the two women I work for are kind and helpful.
The giant stadium lights are beating down on me now, the sun having escaped the sky, and hidden itself away.
Today is supposed to be the longest day of summer sessions because it’s the first day.
It’s the day all the new players meet the seasoned ones.
It’s the day everyone gets used to something completely new but somehow not at the same time.
Every ounce of field time felt like a rush.
It felt like a dream and only confirmed that I had picked the right sport.
That this was the place I wanted to be for the rest of my life, the sidelines just like this. Whether it’s pro or not, I don’t care.
I look out to the turf field. I smile to myself, proud, and happy.
I made the right choice coming back. I’m deciding right now, no matter what happens between Bell and me.
This is where I’m meant to be. I hear shuffling to my side, and I peer toward it seeing a wet haired Bellamy.
He walks up slowly, his duffle bag on his shoulder.
Parker and Lawson walk by his side. They’re all smiling, obviously coming down from the high they just felt.
“We’ll catch you later,” Lawson nudges Bellamy’s shoulder. “It was good seeing you Kam.”
Lawson’s smile is bright and I can’t help but think of Sienna when I look at him now. I avoid smiling, and showing that on my face.
“Bye Lawson, bye Parker. You guys did good today,” I smile at them.
Parker and Lawson walk toward the stadium stairs and Bellamy keeps moving forward toward me.
“I hoped you’d still be out here.”
I look at the field again, “I was just taking it all in…”
He’s used to this. He’s done it the past four years, I haven’t.
“It’s a lot to take in. I get it,” He must have felt it when he first got to school.
When he first got to play on a field this size, in this capacity.
“I’m really happy I came back,” My stomach is nervous, and uneasy for a different reason now. Feelings crash through my chest, and my stomach, and I feel nauseous as thoughts of what to say next hit me.
“I was relieved to hear the coach say your name today. I was... I was happy to see you on the sidelines every time I turned around today,” His words are careful and subtle which is unlike him.
“So…” I say and he raises his eyebrows.
“So…” He repeats. “I wasn’t going to push. I left the ball in your court, and I was keeping it there until you… Until you wanted to make a move. If you wanted to at all.”
I can understand why. He’s being careful for his own sake.
“I didn’t… I don’t know how... I don’t want to ruin anything or mess anything up. I don’t want to scare you or hurt you, and I wasn’t sure if you even wanted me to bring it up so I didn’t,” I’m rambling like an idiot.
He shakes his head in response.
“I’ve been waiting for something since the day I left you with everything Ryn,” He says and I nod to myself. “So you can start with whatever you want. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.”
I stand up, a distance between us. His eyes follow me wherever I move.
“Well, there’s one date left… One place left on the list.”
His face melts into a soft smile, “You want to go to the beach?”
I nod, “If you want to, I’d like to.”
I extend an invitation and feel sick again.
“Are you asking me on a date, Kamryn Hart?”
I roll my eyes at him, “If you don’t agree I might die of embarrassment, and nerves, so just give me an honest answer. You can say no.”
He walks forward to me, snatching my duffle bag from the ground. He hangs his arm over my shoulder and walks with me toward the stairs.
“The day I say no to you is the day pigs fly, Ryn. Let’s go,” He starts walking us to the stairs, my body tucked into his.
We walk together in silence, the same comfortable stillness creeping back in between us. I climb into his car and send Sienna a quick text updating her.
Bellamy has changed into a pair of jogging shorts, and a simple black hoodie.
His hair is drying in soft waves, and his eyes are pretty blue against the dark sky around him.
He drives, and I sit quietly, the music he plays familiar because it’s the same songs I’ve listened to since the day I came home.
He plays the playlist he made for me, and my heart starts to beat faster as I see the sign for the public beach.
“We’re breaking the rules again… It’s not midnight,” I tell him.
“I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that when it comes to The List of Things, we don’t follow the rules,” He smiles and puts the car in park.
I smile to myself, happy there’s no uncomfortable tension between us.
He gets out, and like a routine he comes to my side, and opens my door for me, helping me from the Jeep, and then to the back of his car, retrieving what I’ve now decided to call the date blanket because it’s one that’s been everywhere with us.
We walk together, both of us taking our shoes off, and leaving them at the edge of the sand, feeling the cold gritty texture under our feet, and hearing the sound of the crashing waves in front of us.
There’s a breeze, and it’s far colder than it would be during the day.
It’s not midnight, but it is later. Closer to 10 pm.
Bellamy spreads the blanket, and I sit just as he does.
We’re quiet at first. The stars look pretty as they reflect the ocean.
The moon looks split right now, with only half of it showing its face right now.
I sigh, my courage built up as much as it could be in this moment.
“I’ve thought a lot about everything the past week.
..” I start while Bellamy stares at the ocean in front of us.
“I’ve thought about every date, every time we went out from start to finish.
I thought about every kiss. I thought about the sex.
I thought about every word and every simple morning.
The little things that you did that weren’t a part of the list. The things we did that weren’t there.
I listened to every song on that playlist front and back, and I felt so fucking stupid Bellamy,” I admit.
He looks at me carefully now as I say the words, and I see a small amount of confusion spread across his features. I know he wasn’t expecting that.
“Why?” He doesn’t look hopeful.
I hate that, especially because now I recognize that’s what he had every day two weeks ago. Hope on his features every single date we went on.
“I felt stupid because I should have seen from the moment that I went on that first date with you that this was more than what it was. I should have known the minute you kissed me, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I should have known when you went above and beyond what was intended.
I should have known, and I should have never left. I shouldn’t have run away.”
His knees are pulled up and his hands are clasped together, his arms hanging over his legs. He looks down.
“But I understand why you did. I get it. And I’d get it if you did now, if you turned this... Me down,” He speaks to me like he doesn’t want to say what he does.
Like it’s hard for him to get it out, but I appreciate him.
“I’m still mad at you for lying to me. And for going into the list with different intentions.
But I can move past that. I can trust you when you say you won’t do something like that again.
I’m also giving you a chance now to tell me anything else that you’ve lied about, or that you’ve kept from me,” I give Bellamy the floor, but he shakes his head.
“Nothing else. It doesn’t make it okay, but that was the only lie I told. When I said I didn’t and wouldn’t catch feelings,” He explains and I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat.
I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t know how to say these things. I’ve never had to before now. The movies make it seem so much easier.
“I love you,” I practically blurt the words out.
I don’t look at him. I look at the waves, hearing nothing else. His silence is deafening. I’m glad too, because I need to keep going before I let him talk.
“I know because every single time you did something that no one has ever done for me before, I felt something I’ve never felt before.
I felt so much build up in my chest. Kind of like that feeling you get when you’re anxious.
Where your chest is tight, and you feel like your heart might stop.
And you feel like if you try to speak it might not come out.
You cared for me without me even knowing, and it made me feel loved without me even knowing that's what it was. And I know it’s absolutely insane to feel the way I do, especially because I feel like I barely know parts of you, but never in my life have I wanted to know someone more than I want to know you.
And I know I love you because when I look at you, and I see the way you smile at me it makes me feel absolutely insane.
I love you, and I want… I want to try,” I think my heart is going to come right out of my chest.
It feels like it’s begging to be let out with how hard it’s beating.
“Fuck...” He shakes his head, and I watch as his smile breaks out on his face, like he couldn’t contain it.
He throws himself back, his back hitting the blanket. He brings his hands up to his face, covering it, and then he runs them through his hair, and I watch him carefully. I twist the ring he got me around my finger, fiddling with it nervously as I watch him, and he closes his eyes.
“You have no idea how badly I’ve wished for you to say that,” His voice just above a whisper.
Bellamy sits himself up, shaking his head, and I feel the small tinge of insecurity running through me, the small feeling that I could still be rejected.
“If you think we shouldn’t. I mean if you think we shouldn’t rush anything, or you want to wait. Or if you think maybe all of this isn’t-” Bellamy catches my lips with his, shutting me up instantly.
Every emotion in my head rushes to my chest and explodes like fireworks on New Year’s Eve.
His hands hold my face, his thumbs on my cheeks, and his fingers are spread to keep me exactly where he wants me.
He pushes into me, kissing me hard, every emotion he feels pouring into me.
He breaks from me, and I catch my breath, every insecurity having vacated my head.
My heart somehow feels louder, like it’s beating harder, and faster than before.
I don’t open my eyes reveling in the feeling he left on my lips.
“I think that you’d be absolutely insane if you thought that I wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to be yours Kamryn. And I think fake dating should become real dating because I love you just the same.”
I feel him back away, so I do the same, my eyes opening and finding his.
“I don’t know. Having a real boyfriend would do horrible things to my reputation...” I say and he raises his eyebrows.
A slow spreading smile etches itself on his face.
“Oh really?” He asks, and I nod.
“Really,” I hum, and inch closer to him.
“It was all real to you?” His voice is soft and serious.
“It was all real to me. It’s all real now. It’s been real since you kissed me and I want it to be real for a long, long time Bell…”
He kisses me again, and the sound of my heartbeat drowns out everything else. Nothing has felt more real than this right now.