Forty-two Weeping Willow – Melancholy
Forty-two
Weeping Willow – Melancholy
‘No, Poppy!’ Amber cries out across the table. ‘Don’t be silly, of course it wasn’t your fault!’
‘It was! If I hadn’t persuaded him to go to the concert, it wouldn’t have happened.’
‘Did he have a heart defect, like Felicity?’ Jake asks sombrely.
I nod. ‘Yes. That’s what the post-mortem found.’
‘Then you know it wasn’t your fault. It could have happened at any time.’
‘But if I hadn’t dragged him there, if we hadn’t been in the middle of a field, then the paramedics would have got to him quicker. They might have saved him.’
‘That’s an awful lot of mights and ifs,’ Jake says. ‘You don’t know that, Poppy, and beating yourself up over it isn’t going to bring him back. Believe me, I know: I tried long enough.’
‘So is that why you don’t like crowds and flowers?’ Amber asks. ‘It makes sense you wouldn’t, after what happened.’
‘You noticed?’ I ask. ‘I thought I’d hidden the flower thing quite well since I’ve been here.’
‘Of course I’ve noticed,’ Amber says supportively. ‘I was just waiting for you to tell me why.’
‘When I first returned to St Felix I hated flowers with a vengeance, and not just because of the rose petals at the gig, but because of all the flowers that were sent to our house afterwards in condolence, and then all the flowers that were at Will’s funeral. That used to be what I associated flowers with – death. It’s roses I have the most issues with, obviously; the rest I could just about hack, but roses…’ I shudder. ‘Just the sight or smell of a rose can make me feel nauseous; make me feel like I’m back in that field. All my therapists have tried to cure me of it, and all of them have failed.’
‘Is that why you ran away that day at my nursery?’ Jake asks. ‘Because you could smell the flowers?’
I nod. ‘I’m so sorry; I know you thought it was to do with you, but really it wasn’t. It was all those roses you said you had stored in there.’
Jake smiles a little. ‘That’s a relief. I was convinced it was me.’
‘For some reason I’ve been a lot better recently. It’s as if Daisy Chain and St Felix have helped to cure me. I can see now how happy they make people. In fact, how happy they’d started to make me feel – until last night.’
Amber nods. ‘Yes, it’s always amazed me that flowers can mean so many different things to so many people. One moment they’re in sympathy, the next celebration. What other living thing can represent so many different emotions?’
We all think about this for a moment.
‘So, tell us some more about Will,’ Jake says quietly, breaking into our thoughts. ‘You’ve mentioned therapy before. Did you go off the rails a bit after his death?’
‘Not a bit, a hell of a lot,’ I tell him. ‘I went from being an A-grade student who promised much, to…’ I smile. ‘I suppose you’d call me a juvenile delinquent. I was in trouble with the law, was sectioned for my own good, then when I’d got through that and they thought I was safe enough to be let out, there was a string of jobs, none of which I could hold down for long. I was the black sheep of the family. Whereas everyone else followed into the family business, I refused to follow tradition.’
‘That’s not always a bad thing,’ Jake says. ‘Sometimes I wish I’d done the same.’
I put my hand over Jake’s. I know he’s talking about his job with the animals.
Suddenly there’s a knock at the door, and we all look at each other in surprise.
‘It’ll probably be Woody, wondering how we all are this morning,’ Amber says as she jumps up to answer it.
‘Hi, Amber.’ I hear Ash’s voice at the open door, and I immediately pull my hand away from Jake’s. ‘Is Poppy in?’
Amber steps aside and Ash comes through the door looking fresh-faced, unlike the rest of us. He’s wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans, and his eyes immediately fall on me sitting at the table, and then they move very quickly to Jake.
‘Jake?’ He looks at him questioningly. ‘I didn’t think you’d be here at this time of the morning, and –’ he casts his eyes suspiciously over Jake’s attire – ‘still wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday.’
‘I think I’d better go, Poppy,’ Jake says, standing up. ‘I’ll go back to my house first, get freshened up, then I’ll contact the vet for you.’
‘Thanks, Jake,’ I say, looking up at him. ‘For everything.’
‘Any time.’ Jake leans down and kisses the top of my head. ‘I’ll be in touch later.’ He summons Miley, and heads for the door.
‘Ash,’ he says, acknowledging a bewildered-looking Ash as he passes. ‘Go easy, she’s had a tough night.’
Then he leaves, and my heart drops to my toes. Jake has been such a wonderful support over the last few hours that I don’t know how I’m going to face up to everything without him. I still couldn’t bear to look in the direction of Basil’s basket, and I had no idea how I was going to go about telling Ash I had to break up with him…
Ash waits for me in the kitchen while I get changed, and I hear Amber telling him about Basil.
When I return, Ash comes over and puts his arms around me. ‘Pops, I’m so sorry about Basil,’ he says. ‘I’ll miss the old fella, really I will. I’m also sorry for being so off with you at Jake’s party. I’ve been talking to Willow and she’s made me see what an idiot I was. Can you forgive me?’
I’m glad when Ash suggests we take a walk together; it’s a beautiful morning and we decide to walk through the town and across to the beach. We’ve spent so many happy hours together here with Basil that I feel even worse about what I’m about to do.
The beach is packed this morning with holidaymakers enjoying picnics and building sandcastles. I don’t know what has happened to St Felix this summer, but every day the town seems to be getting busier and busier with visitors.
The sight of so many people enjoying the town lifts my spirits a little, but my joy is short-lived. A Labrador runs past us after a ball, and I’m reminded that Basil is no longer here with us.
‘It’s OK to be sad,’ Ash says as we pause for a moment to watch the waves.
‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘I’ll miss Basil so much though. He was more than just a dog, he was my friend too.’
Ash puts his arm around my shoulders, and immediately I’m reminded of Jake doing the same this morning.
‘I’m sorry again about what happened,’ Ash says softly. ‘I shouldn’t have gone off in a strop at Jake’s party. I should have trusted you. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me with Jake.’
His last sentence hangs in the sea air, like a seagull riding on a gust of wind.
‘It’s fine, really,’ I assure him. ‘I shouldn’t have left you for so long alone at the party. It wasn’t fair.’
‘Ah well, I had Charlie to chat to. Nice lad. He’s going to come out with us again. He really seemed to enjoy riding the waves. He’s a natural.’
‘That’s great. Thank you so much for doing that for me.’ I turn and look at Ash properly for the first time since we’ve been here on the beach. ‘Please don’t ever think I don’t appreciate it.’
Ash looks at me with a puzzled expression.
‘I would never think that, Poppy. I’m always glad to help you.’ He pauses for a moment as if he’s considering something, and his arm drops away from my shoulder. ‘So what was Jake doing banging on Willow’s door yesterday, demanding his jumble back? You haven’t told me yet. Seems a bit odd.’
We find a space to sit on the sand, and then I tell Ash all about Stan’s flower pictures, and what had happened at Caroline’s house.
‘Go, you!’ Ash says punching his fist triumphantly in the air. ‘Stan will be over the moon. I’ll have to pop over and see the old fella sometime, now we know where he is. Maybe we can go together?’
I close my eyes. I have to do this sometime.
‘Do you think it’s karma?’ I ask, then open my eyes. ‘Finding all the pictures to help Stan, then Basil dying? Something good happens, so then something bad has to happen to balance out the universe.’
‘You’re sounding more like Amber every day,’ Ash says, grinning at me. ‘No, don’t be silly; it’s just a coincidence. You did a good thing for Stan, Poppy. Don’t lose sight of that.’
‘Perhaps…’ But what about what had happened between me and Jake last night – that was good. But the bad thing was I now had to break up with Ash as a result. Maybe Amber spoke more sense than I gave her credit for. But I knew it was Jake I really wanted, and it wasn’t fair to string Ash along.
‘Ash,’ I say, at the same time as he asks, ‘What was Jake still doing at your house this morning, Poppy? Did he spend the night?’
I knew Ash didn’t really believe me about Jake. The things he’d said this morning had been Willow’s thoughts and words.
‘No – I mean yes. Yes, he spent the night at the cottage, but it wasn’t anything like that. Honestly, Ash, I’m telling you the truth. He was just there comforting me about Basil.’
‘You like him though, don’t you?’ Ash asks, not looking at me, concentrating instead on a small boy building sandcastles with a shiny red plastic bucket.
‘Yes, of course I do, but —’
‘And he likes you enough to kiss you this morning.’
‘That was on my head,’ I protest. ‘It didn’t mean —’
‘Oh, I think it did,’ Ash says, in a heavier tone than I was used to hearing from him. He still isn’t looking at me. ‘I’m not stupid, Poppy; I see the way the two of you look at each other, and not just this morning but when I’ve seen you together before. It’s written all over your faces. Are you in love with him?’
‘I…’ I have to think about Ash’s question a tad too long. ‘Yes, I think I might be,’ I tell him honestly. ‘I’m so sorry, Ash, it was nothing you did. I really like you, honestly I do.’
‘But not love ,’ Ash says in a tight voice. He looks at me. ‘Right?’
I shake my head.
Ash pulls himself to his feet and brushes the sand off his legs. ‘Not that it makes any difference now, Poppy,’ he says, looking down at me, ‘but it might interest you to know that while you only liked me, I was very much in love with you.’ As he gazes down at me still sitting on the sand, I’m sure I can see tears in his eyes.
‘Oh, Ash,’ I say, scrambling to my feet, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know. If I had I —’
‘You’d what?’ Ash looks at me with anguish in his eyes. ‘You wouldn’t have fallen in love with Jake? I don’t think so.’
I don’t know what to say; I try to put my hand on his arm, but he turns away from me.
‘See ya around, Poppy,’ he says, and he begins to walk off across the sand, his voice quivering as he speaks. ‘It was fun while it lasted.’
‘Ash!’ I call out to him, but either he doesn’t hear me or he chooses not to.
I look around the busy sand, and for a moment I long for the deserted beaches that I’d known when I first came back to St Felix, or a sudden shower of rain, so everyone would disappear indoors and I’d be left on my own for a while.
But I know that isn’t going to happen. St Felix is jam-packed with people on this sunny morning, and I can’t begrudge the town that joy. I need to think of somewhere else to go; somewhere I can be alone with my thoughts for a while…
And then I remember.
Keeping my head down and without speaking to anyone on the way, I head away from the beach, back across the town, and up to the cliffs. Then just like Charlie had shown me the day we’d opened Daisy Chain, I carefully climb down the grassy side of the cliff, find the stone steps, and descend to the little viewing area.
I sit and watch the gulls circling over the sea like we had that day; their graceful artistry as they swoop and dive for their food mesmerises me, yet at the same time allows me to put my thoughts into some sort of order as I sit there.
I’d never been able to come here with Basil when we’d been on our walks; it would have been too dangerous trying to get him down the narrow steps, poor old thing.
I manage a smile as I think about Basil. I’d tried to give him a happy last few months here on earth. We’d taken lots of walks together, which I was pretty sure Basil appreciated more than anything else, even his cheese. And he’d been great company for me, as I hope I’d been for him. I’d told Basil things I’d never told anyone before, and he’d just sat and listened to me without passing any more judgement than a twitch of his ear, or a lick of his tongue.
I’ll miss him more than anyone could know.
I’ll also miss Ash.
I never wanted to hurt Ash, I liked him a lot. He was great fun, and we’d had some good times over the summer, but I just didn’t feel the same way about him as I felt about Jake.
The last time I’d sat here on this ledge it had been with Jake. We’d sat here in the moonlight together during his birthday party. That was the first time I’d heard him say he had feelings for me.
But having feelings for someone didn’t mean you necessarily wanted to be in a relationship with them. I’d told him this morning I didn’t want to take Felicity’s place, but was Jake really ready to take the next step?
I think about all these things as I sit peacefully on the ledge, allowing the rhythmical sounds of the sea to wash over me as they had so many times since I’d returned to St Felix, calming my mind and soothing my soul.