Chapter 74
He had told himself that the throngs on the beach at Tylosand would render them invisible. But Halmstad was a small city, in the end, and no affair could go on unnoticed forever. The only question was who would find them out first, and what would happen next.
“What’s her name?” Filip asked.
“Felicia and I…we’ve been having a rough time.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, I don’t care. Anyway, we’re all made of the same stuff.”
Stuff, Sander would think later on, or could he actually have said dust?
“I’ve cheated in every single relationship I’ve had.” Tendrils of bluish smoke rose from Filip’s lips. “If you can call them relationships. But what’s her name?”
“Olivia.”
Like he was confessing a sin. That was how her name sounded.
Could it be, Sander had begun to wonder, that sometimes you get so used to living with guilt that when it finally begins to fade, you have to replace it with a fresh source?
Even in the gloomier emotions there can be a certain amount of security, and Sander had lived with his guilt about Killian’s death for so long that it was as familiar to him as hunger or exhaustion.
But without it, he didn’t know who he would be, what would happen. Maybe that was why he cheated.
“What were you doing in Tylosand, though?” he asked Filip.
“Swimming, obviously, like everyone else.” Filip laughed at himself. “No, I had an errand to run out there. You know how they do an ‘after beach’ there, do you ever go?”
“Sometimes.”
“Some poor bastard sits on a stool playing ‘Wonderwall’ while people get drunk in the sunshine. Sometimes they want to top it off with something a little stronger than alcohol, you know.”
“Good business, I take it?”
“Crazy good. That sheet you tore out of my notebook, remember that? Christ were they ever gunning for me after the landslide, those two cops. Fuck. Hey, I know it was you. It’s okay, I’m not angry. Not right now, anyway.”
Sander found Filip’s hopscotching between different parts of their past disorienting.
“I never thought you were the one who caused the landslide,” Sander said tentatively, as though he were trying to defend himself against the next accusation. “Everyone knows it was Sten.”
“Mm.” Filip didn’t say anything more for a long time. “Then why did you give them that piece of paper, you bastard, if you didn’t even think it was me?”
“I guess I just wanted to do the right thing. Or I don’t know. I just did it. But it would have seemed weird if I hadn’t too. Like I was trying to hide something, to protect myself. Or you.”
Filip raised an eyebrow, as if this were a scenario he hadn’t imagined. He seemed to be considering what it meant as he finished his cigarette. “Are you sure you don’t want any?”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“You know Rasmusg?rden? There’s a spot there for me, if I want it; it would probably be good for me.”
“Where is that?”
“Near Falkenberg, I think. You get to spend a lot of time outside, like on the grounds, I mean. Did you hear about the guy who disappeared, by the way?”
“Who?”
“That guy they’re looking for, Hampus Olsson, he went to our school. I saw it in the paper last week.”
“Oh. Yeah, I read something about that. Did you know each other?”
Filip shook his head.
“Not really, it was more like he was just there. But it’s kymig as hell, isn’t it? When people disappear. Maybe it’s actually better to know that they’re dead.”
Sander realized he was bracing himself. As if his body needed to make him say something before he figured out what it was.
“I’m sorry,” Sander said. “About what happened, with Mikael and all. I don’t think I ever offered my condolences before.”
Filip took one last drag of his cigarette and stubbed it out with his shoe. Exhaled smoke. Blinked, then touched his lip again. He stood up, still unsteady. “I think I’ll go back down again.”
“With those guys? Why?”
“Gotta do something. I’m thirsty. Take care of yourself, Sander.”
“You too, Filip.”
Sander was reeling when he got back to the student apartment.
As soon as he took off his shoes and greeted Felicia, he went to the bathroom and took a long shower.
The water washed away not only the physical traces of his encounter with Filip but also, he told himself, the remains of something more difficult to articulate.